Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Abe and Me

My world view was greatly affected by Abraham Lincoln when I was in the third grade.

No, I didn't free my Star Wars figures from their servitude, nor did I try to assassinate then president Jimmy Carter during a play at Ford's theatre.

I was introduced to a box of cards called "Story Starters." These little cards would give you a topic to write about and the topic I drew had me imagining that Abraham Lincoln was somehow magically transported to modern times and that I had the job of showing him around.

I've been viewing the world with the question of "How would I explain this to Abe? How would this look to him?" ever since.

I constantly strip things down to their basics; I try to take the magic out of how an engine works. I also put inventions in order. To understand how this works, you first have to understand how that works. You'd think that it all starts with the wheel but actually toast comes first, then the wheel, then, a few inventions later, you get internet porn.

I think about Lincoln at least once a day, and have for the last quarter of a century. Sometimes I think that looking at the world through Lincoln's eyes would reveal a beautiful, wondrous world; Things that we might not appreciate; the ribbonlike sculpture of raised freeways interchanges, or the way all the signs and the lines in the road light up against the black backdrop of a night drive.
Other times I think that our modern world would look monstrous, a nightmare of scorched and paved earth and an insane pace that quickens exponentially right before our eyes, spinning out of control.
Ideally, I'd find Lincoln in a plain, simple room and we'd have at least a few days to talk before venturing outside.

Sneak Attack: I've been tagged before. I now Tag everyone who reads this. On your own blog, or right here in the comments section, let's hear your finish to the story starter:
Abraham Lincoln waits for you to introduce him to the present...


Religious Rules

Buddhists are vegan, or lots of 'em are anyway (Siddhartha Gautama was actually quite fond of pork). There's an interesting quideline in Buddhism. It seems that if you're a guest at somebody's home and they offer you a dish that has animal or animal products in it, you're better of eating it than being a rude guest.
Now THIS could come in handy.
You and your best pal both convert. He can INVITE you over to kill your boss. Wouldn't want to be a rude guest now. And you can invite your buddy over to have sex with his 21 year old secretary. It's a winning proposition.

In the big three you're instructed NOT to covet your NEIGHBOR's wife. That's where pornography is great. There's very little chance that the girl in the magazine or on the dvd or 15 second free clip on the internet (you cheap bastard) lives anywhere near you.
But it's almost like we don't like it if it isn't sin. What do they bill these girls as? The Girl Next Door?!

"Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight." Not actually in the Bible. Sorry.

Born Atheist?

My fellow atheists often point out that we were all born atheist.

I just can't bring myself to use this one.

Yes, I was born atheist, but I was also born bloody and shittin' on myself, a state I try to avoid as an adult, with some success I might add.

God made the dirt, so the dirt don't hurt. Not actually in the bible. Sorry.

Friday, December 21, 2007

This is FUNNY

Not sure where it came from. Somebody e-mailed it to me. Hilarious.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Why Lie...

We're finally done editing our movie and it only took two years. Actually it took a little over two years, but it's done and the premier is going to one helluva bash this coming March. More information at

Can't Keep a Sacred

I could almost be a Mormon.
I could almost be a Mormon in the same way I could almost be a magician.
Neither magicians nor Mormons strike me as particularly cool (noted exceptions; magicians Penn and Teller, Mormons The Aquabats.)

The reason I could be taken in by either of these two admittedly geeky camps is that I'm a sucker for secrets. It's dangerous for me to get a near a magic shop. It's all I can do to get out of there without spending all my money on tricks just so that I can take 'em apart and see how they work. Luckily the Mormons, unlike the Catholics, don't have little shops, well okay they have Deseret Industries, but they don't sell Mormonism there. But them Mormons, they do have their secrets.

The Mormons do not want you to know what they believe. It's secret. I have a dear friend who is a Mormon. Well, I had a dear friend before I started writing this blog (are the Mormons big on forgiveness?) This friend of mine always corrects me when I say secret. "It's not secret, it's sacred." he tells me. I think the two words mean different things and are not mutually exclusive. The Bible is sacred to some, but I'm allowed to read it. Same goes with the Koran, the Talmud, the Gitas, all sacred but none are secret. But them Mormon bloomers, they're secret.

Yep, Mitt Romney is wearing special, church sanctioned bloomers. It's true, and it's secret (sacred.) It's hard to see in this pic, but the undergarments have a special little shape over each nipple, sort of a backwards L and a V. There's another little line down around the belly button and one on the lower right thigh. I don't know what the symbols mean, nobody will tell me, it's secret (sacred.) I could almost sign up, and waste a few years of my life, just to solve this mystery. You see secrets (sacreds) really drive me up a wall.

The garments, like Mormonism's take on black people and polygamy, have evolved over the years. If you trace natural progression of this evolution, the Mormons will be wearing g-strings and pasties before too long. At that point, I may have to give in to my curiosity, and sign myself up.

For now though, I like the Mormons (and even most of the magicians) that I know. If somebody was a magician and a Mormon, I'd probably have to give them a noogie. But, I'm not crazy about secrets. Not when a group is achieving increasing political power. So, I'm afraid I would not be able to vote for a magician for president (sorry Penn) or Vice President (sorry Teller.)

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Sick Day Scribblings

I'm home sick from work. Watching the Blues Brothers, reading Steve Martin's new book and having random thoughts:

It's hard to be a moral person these days.
I try not to "Spill my seed on barren ground" but the farmer keeps chasing me out of his crops.

"All Dogs Go To Heaven." not actually in the Bible.
(Except maybe in Disney's 1986, "Uncle Rhemus reads the old testament" now out of print.)

A Catholic said to me "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve."
That's funny, I thought it was, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam who led led a celibate lifestyle and wore a big pointy hat with flowing robes and embroidered slippers while hanging out with lots of similarly dressed younger men and boys who were at his beck and call.

Build that Temple in Israel already. I think we should all pledge money toward getting this thing done. If it's built, and nothing happens, we can all get on with our lives.
If the prophecy comes true, the world ends. It's really a win/win.

Buddhism seemed cool to me at first. So did marjuana.
In both cases my sufferering is lessoned and I feel happy but I don't get much done.
If Thomas Edison had been a Bhuddist (or a stoner) he'd have given the world some haikus about tree and we wouldn't be able to read them at night.

Many atheists are fond of blaming all war on religion. I think they are people who've never attended a sporting event. If religion were wiped out the Armed forces would draft Raiders fans and would explain to them that the Iraqis root for the Rams.

Give a hoot, don't pollute. NOT actually in the bible. Sorry.

Larry The Cable Guy Continues

Click here, to read the hilarious comments that continue to show up at my Larry The Cable Guy post.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I'm Not Angry

I'm not an angry atheist. I'm a happy atheist, for the most part.

If I believed in God, if I believed that I was the product of a divine creator, THEN I'd be angry. I'd be pissed.

Why? you ask.

I'm glad you asked. I'll tell you.

If I believed in a creator/God I would be angry about my inabillity to perform felattio on myself. Not that I can't do it. That's not why I'd be pissed, but rather because I can ALMOST do it. For it is that almost that has killed any opportunity I had to ever become a productive person.

A kind and loving God, one who didn't have one helluva cruel streak would not have made it so that I could get within an inch (half an inch if I stick my tongue out) of reaching the ultimate in self fullfillment.

Any God who really cared about me would've just put the damn thing IN my mouth, or else completely out of the way. How about on the back of my head? That would've worked. "Hmmm, lets see, can I reach that? Nope. Oh well, back to finding a cure for cancer."

But NO, according to you believers out there, I was intentionally designed in this way, leading to hours of what can only be described as back-breaking labor. And worse, I was designed this way by one who sees all, who is everywhere. Yeah, laugh it up God.

I am sure that the number one network in heaven is the Watching Humans Try To Suck Their Own Dicks Television. I want my WHTTSTOD-TV.

Angel 1: Oh man, did you see the stand up comedian with the three names working on his last night?
Angel 2: No, I was playing with the Army men. That guy was at it AGAIN?!
Angel 1: Yeah, and get this, He Made Contact!
Angel 2: You're shittin' me.
Angel 1: No man, for real. He was flexing and stretchin' for the better part of an hour. I was about to change over to the Shy Bladders Trying to Pee in a Crowded Bathroom Network, when his tongue comes out, he groans, stretches, and then I'll be damned if he didn't get a moment of contact, FOLLOWED BY AN HOUR OF ROLLING AROUND IN EXCRUTIATING PAIN! He still can't stand up straight. HA HA HA.
Angel 2: HA HA HA HA,
Angel 1: HA HA HA HA HA
Angel 2: HA HA HA HA Oooohhhh, Oh man, that's great. I'm glad I TIVOed it.
Angel 1: You'll love the slow mo instant replay man, classic.

The only religion I could belong to and not be angry would be Hinduism, 'cause they got Yoga.

I hope my Dad won't be reading this. It was him who I had to ask for locks on my door when I was fourteen. And while I'm sure he had a pretty good idea why, I don't need him knowing the gory details.

Hindu Pussies

This guy will NOT kick your ass
I'm on tour these days with Tapan Trivedi, a Hindu.

Hinduism is the one religion I knew very little about. I like their music videos, but I needed to know more. I rented the film Gandhi. Wow! This guy was amazing. He led his country to independence through PASSIVE resistance, total non-violence even in the face of oppression.

I was impressed with the way these guys would remain passive even as they were assaulted. I was like, "Wow, so THAT'S Hinduism. That is beautiful." I went straight to Tapan and punched him in the head.

Lest anyone try and repeat my experiment; Please note, not all Hindus are pacifist. Do not fuck with Tapan. That bastard; He kicked my ass. And then he came to my house and set one of my model trains on fire. Plus he laughed at my curry. It seems I don't use enough cummin.

Bisexual Atheist Glam Rock Hipsters Unite

People ask me if I'm stoked that atheism seems to be the cool, hip, trendy thing right now.

Well, yeah. It's cool if it gets me some gigs, but it worries me too.

I can't help but think about the Bowie era when bi-sexuality was cool, hip and trendy. Yeah, the wild seventies. By the early eighties Bowie was explaining how he wasn't bisexual, but just got lost in a character he was playing. This allowed him to appear in coffee commercials. Elton John was marrying a lady. Mick Jagger was making a really crappy solo album (totally unrelated, but I can't pass an opportunity to rail against that abomination.) And even my personal favorite David Johanson of the New York Dolls was gettin' in on the act with his hilarious tune, Girls: "I really like them GIRLS. You know I love them GIRLS." Okay David, we get it, we get it. You better change your name to Buster man, 'cause you'll never live down the legacy of the New York Dolls.

I worry that come 2011 I'll be there on stage with Oral Roberts Junior, repenting, weeping, begging forgiveness for all the stuff I didn't do, and then I'll shoot a few coffee commercials.

There's a silver lining to this cloud too though. I'm becoming an increasingly high profile atheist and THAT, my friends, is money in the bank. The more photos, videos, TV interviews and newspaper articles exist that identify me as an atheist the more the mainstream, high profile Christian entertainment complex will pay for my tear stained face in front of their cameras. They would get many a red state housewife weeping with my story of debauchery and redemption. Yep, if I ever get too broke, I can just sell my soul to God. Amen.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ah Crap, I’m a Stand Up Comedian again

Yeah. So, I tripped over an idea I'd left laying about and I landed back on stage doing stand up again. Within a few months I was onstage at Punch Line, both in Sacramento and SF as part of an amazing show that formed out of that pesky idea which had been flutting about for a couple of years now.

So, I have to get back to being disciplined and writing, EVERY DAY!
I figure I'll do a-lot of it right here, so that other comics can steal it before I ever get it to the stage.

Mind you, much of it will be crap. That's how it works folks. You write TONS, enough so that even if only 1% is worthwhile, you'll still have a nice little chunk of worthwhile.

So, get ready. Some crap is coming your way. Thanks.Sincerely.

Friday, December 7, 2007

The Golden Compass (and the golden dress)

So, just how does an atheist celebrate Christmas? Well, I know what I'll be up to. I'm taking all of the Christian kids I know to see The Golden Compass.

C'mon now folks, could God really be opposed to a movie that features Nicole Kidman in that gold dress? I came darn close to believing in a divine being the first time I saw the commercial.

And what is it with kid's entertainment that gets Jesus' fan club all fired up? Harry Potter, Tinky Winky (or whatever that Tella-Tubbie's name was,) Dungeons and Dragons was a big target when I was a kid, and now The Golden Compass. It's sneaky you say? Right. Its all full of symbolism and what not, unlike good honest films like The Chronicles of Narnia for instance. For the record, I really enjoyed the Chronicles of Narnia. I did not protest it at all.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not really bent about this. I find it quite amusing, and I'm sure the extra publicity isn't hurting the film at all.

See ya there, December 25th. Merry Christmas.

PS: "The words daemon, dæmon, are Latinized spellings of the Greek δαίμων (daimon),[1] used purposely today to distinguish the daemons of Ancient Greek religion, good or malevolent "supernatural beings between mortals and gods, such as inferior divinities and ghosts of dead heroes" (see Plato's Symposium), from the Judeo-Christian usage demon, a malignant spirit that can seduce, afflict, or possess humans."
Just so you know.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Come See me At The Punch Line

I'm at The Punch Line in Sacramento on Thursday with the Coexist? Comedy tour. This is a big deal. It's not an easy club to get into.

And we're at The Punch Line SF on December 10th.

Please, if you're at all able to do so, come out and enjoy a great show. Get all your details and such at

Or CLICK HERE to read the Sacramento Bee's article on the show, featuring an interview with your's truly.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Spike TV

As you may know I've been working on a documentary about panhandling.
Spike TV's Manswers had me down for a taping last December to talk about my panhandling experiences. Well my episode aired last night.
It repeats tonight (Thursday Nov. 8) at midnight.
I may be hard to recognize as I have a big gross beard. Check it out. Oh, and you can find more about the documentary at

Friday, October 26, 2007

B.J.'ll get ya Ten

Read this news story.

The courts let some kid go after two years in jail for an act of oral sex with a fifteen year old. He was 17.

I think it's terrible that this poor kid went to jail for two years for this BS.

With that in mind, is it okay for me to find it hilarious that his lawyer's name was BJ?

Or that U.S. Rep. John Lewis said "It's been a long time coming"

And without any puns or double entendres, this is funny:
"a seismic shift in the legislature's view of the gravity of oral sex between two willing teenage participants"

The news is so much more fun when you're immature.

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Crybaby Sign

click to enlargeI wish I had more of these babies. They were everywhere, all over town. They're especially nice as they deteriorate. Seeng just the remnants of this crying infant face after it's been baked in the sun and then rained on is quite haunting.

Big Brother?

click image to enlargeI really can't do this guy justice. This wheat paste is huge and it's way up on the wall, but pretty far down from the top, so it must have been tough to place. This dapper fellow looks over the soon to be "revitalized" stretch of R street between 17th and 18th, right behind the 19th street Safeway. It's a favorite.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Blankets by Craig Thompson

I just finished Craig Thompson's graphic novel. What a gorgeous book, and perfect for the cool weather we've been having.
I highly recommend it.
It's a story of first love, alienation and the general beauty and difficulty of growing up.
The book won TONS of awards but thats not important, what is important of course is that I like it, so go get a copy and read it now and tell me how much you loved it, and visit the author's website;

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Thanks Craig

Craig to stay on, click here.

Is he one of ours? Gone undercover to help further dismantle the GOP? Awesome.

Keep up the good work secret agent Craig, we love you, (not meet you in the men's room love you, and definitely not vote for you love you but take what you can get you lonely, lonely man.)

All that said, I don't agree with arresting people for the possibillity of having some gay sex. I mean, couldn't you signal someone and then suggest a hotel room? Was something in the signs a blatanst statemnet of his intention to do the deed right then and there? I don't like this homophobic jerk, and I want him to be shown for the creep he is, but I can't be happy about homophobic sting operations even when they hit one of the bad guys.

Okay, now back to laughing at Craig, HA HA HA

Monday, September 24, 2007

Gay Marriage from a videographers perspective

For years I worked as a videographer and I shot A-Lot of weddings. I saw bride-zillas, drunken uncles, inconsiderate grooms who really could give a shit about the wedding that they were willing to participate in because it's what their partner and society at large expected of them. I saw waste and snootiness and occasionally I saw something beautiful that I'd want to be a part of. Unfortunately the later was a rarity.

I haven't filmed many weddings in the last couple of years, but when my friend Tina told me that she was finally gettin' hitched, well I wouldn't have missed it for the world. No, really, never mind that I totally owe Tina for all the design work she's done for me.

So, I showed up at Capitol Park on Saturday morning, hoping that the rain would wait until after I'd gotten my camera packed safely away, and I witnessed some of the most beautiful nuptials ever. Tina and her partner Kate had their sisters officiate.

Yes, Kate is a woman's name. This wedding wasn't in fact a wedding but rather a commitment ceremony, as our Governor has vetoed the legislation that would have let it be a wedding.

The community of people brought together for this event were so happy and full of love, it was easy to let go of the politics that might've hung over the proceedings. I was pulled back for just a moment though during the kiss when someone from the Russian wedding that had just finished rehearsing in the park spotted the two women kissing, "OH MY GOD!" they yelped. It was perfect and I hoped my microphone picked it up.

After the ceremony was lunch where long term couples, most of them gay, took turns giving their advice for Tina and Kate. All these happy, successful couples sharing and well wishing, it was most inspiring.

Things started up again that night with a party at Kate and Tina's home where I was moved by the toasting, moved to tears. Friend after friend shared their stories of triumph over adversity. There was the woman who thanked Tina for her help and sense of humor in dealing with breast cancer (Tina sweetly made her a book of black and white nude photos taken a week before the women was to undergo surgery. Tina mischievously titled the book Thanks For The Mammaries.) There was the couple from Texas who found Tina by googling "Sacramento Lesbian." They deemed her Queen Lesbian and moved to Sacramento after the Queen gave them such a wonderful introduction to our lovely town and it's wonderful inhabitants. There were many, many more.

When Tina, who is not actually a Queen but more of a King, a Drag King, sported a goatee and lip-synced a love song to Kate, an exuberant young women couldn't help rushing the stage, dragging friends with her, and an impromptu ring of dancers circled the couple. It was beautiful.

I filled three hours of tape, cried several times, laughed harder than I have in ages. "So this is gay marriage?" I thought to myself. "This is that thing that so many people are so violently afraid of?" Well no wonder. Who wants to have to live up to this high standard? Who has the energy?

Monday, September 17, 2007

Atheist vs Muslim vs Hindu vs Christian vs Jew

Video from The Coexist? Comedy tour's premier weekend.We were surprised to find that the atheists outnumbered the Christians and more surprised when the Hindus in attendance outnumbered the atheists. Great fun was had by all and an extremely low percentage of us were killed during or as a result of the show.

read more | digg story

Monday, September 10, 2007

Ashland Scares Us

Ashland Oregon, home of the world famous Ashland Shakespeare Festival. A seemingly nice place to stop between Sacramento and Portland.
Creepy hotel room on the way up. We both saw an extra light glowing when we sleeping. A light we couldn't find a source for when awake. Like a camera behind the mirror type deal. The little blue light was from the smoke detector, but the little red light... ?

The we found Chai Hut and the sweet, innocent, happy kid just back from burning man. He's Ashland's one redeeming quality at this point.

Ashland part II, the journey home. We stopped there again, just for groceries.
The kid took FOREVER to make my sandwich. He had bad teeth. Crank teeth. I looked at produce while waiting. Some guy smelled so strongly that it stank up the entire produce section. Seriously. I stood by some savory nice smelling stuff to cover the stink. Walking through the store later I'd know what row he was in. The row that stank when you walked by. I don't know what was going on with this guy but he smelled stronger than I smell when I smell as much as I'm capable of smelling. Not rot or urine, it was clearly just BO and he looked like a normal dude. In fact his long hair looked freshly shampooed and tangle free.

Then a thin long haired guy made a way too obvious pass at me as I headed to use the restroom. Someone was spending their retirement in the men's room so I used the women's. Meanwhile the guy that rang Bryna up showed her the "inmate" sticker he'd placed on the back of his name badge. "Inmate Bob at your service" he said or something like that. And when he rang up the magazine she was buying he held it up and moved it forward and back, "Congratulations on you impulse buy." Very weird.

Bryna was the one to notice that the sandwich the kid with the bad teeth had made me was TEN BUCKS! What the hell?! I went back to crank boy, who was hard of hearing it seemed, or just didn't like hearing much, so I asked handle bar mustache guy if the sandwich was really supposed by ten bucks. "Yeah, the small is six bucks." he answered.

I wanted to be back on the road so I restrained the urge to demand my money back. Then I noticed the sandwich didn't even have on it the avocado that was to be it's main ingredient. I took it back. The one sane person in the place was at the customer service desk. She gave me my ten bucks.
We got the hell out of Ashland.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Hi from Ashland

We're at the Cedarwoods Inn in Ashland Oregon.
Getting ready to head up to Portland where we'll have dinner with our good friends Bob and Irina before continuing on to Seattle.
The drive has gone well so far. We packed lots of good food, so other than one highly offensive cup of gas station coffee we have avoiding yucky road food and the yuck road gut that comes with it.
At least the coffee was free. When the guy didn't want to charge me for it, that was the second sign that it might not be drinkable. Sign one; the creamer was actually in big dispensers just like the coffee as if to say, "You'll need quite a bit of this if you're gonna try to drink that."

Wednesday, September 5, 2007


Bye Everybody.
Bryna and I are off to SketchFest Seattle for the rest of the week. YAY.

And don't rob my house. My friend Lou is staying in it while we're gone. Sorry.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Took Down my Last Blog Post

Someone I was once friends with has been in the news. I took down the blog post about this person. We were friends, and it feels wrong to share information that I have from that friendship in a public forum at this time.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Racism Pays Big

Imus gets millions from CBS Radio in settlement. His argument was that he was hired to say horrible stupid things and firing for doing so is breach of contract.

Well, he has a strong argument and by settling out of court CBS is saying "Yeah, we kind of did hire him knowing he was a racist gas bag."

So maybe the venom thrown at Imus should be thrown at CBS instead. After all there's no shortage of racist asses out there but we don't spend much energy on most of them. What made this racist ass different is that CBS put him on the air, let him be a sports commentator and continued to let him hold this position after many equal if not more offensive utterings.

Of course they let him continue; His past uttering grabbed that lucrative "racist ass market" while going unnoticed by the also lucrative "we don't like racist asses market." It was the best of both worlds and CBS made plenty of money off of their angry white dude listeners.

"But isn't it free speech?" you ask. Of course it is. I'd fight to the death for Imus' right to say stupid things. And I'd refuse to give a cent to any company who hired him or profitted off of him. On the other hand, I can give some credence to the argument that his comments qualify as slander. He did call some young female athletes "hos" after all. You probably should have a right to play sports withough being accused of being sexualy permiscuous by some dumb ass with no talent on nationaly broadcast radio. No, my calling him a dumb ass with no talent is not slander. I have strong evidence to support my claim that Imus is a dumb ass with no talent.

So the no talent dumb ass who never deserved to make a dime to begin with is now richer than I can ever hope to be. Slandering talented young female athletes with racist slurs is quite profitable. Oh well, I'd rather be poor.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Muzak, I finally get it...

I was at the natural foods market today. They were playing Rufus Wainwright. It was a real dramatic tune. Rufus is belting it out, just pouring his heart and soul into the song in every way. And people are comparing pastas, selecting the reddest apple. It just seemed wrong. I found myself wishing they'd play something innocuous, and that's when it hit me, I Understand Muzak now! Though I think I'd still prefer silence.

Straight from the horse's mouth...

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Show Tomorrow Night

Tomorrow night The Coexist? Comedy makes its debut here in Sacramento as we kick off four shows.
The 8pm shows are already sold out for both nights, but we still have tickets for 10pm both Friday and Saturday. See for details and such yeah.

Tomorrow morning the other comics and I will be on Good Morning Sacramento. I'm excited to see the tour getting off to such a great start. I can't wait to see how far we can take this one. Woohoo.

If you want to hear our radio interview from earlier this week you can listen here.

Egads, I'm chock full of nervous energy. I didn't think I'd be nervous going into this one, after all it's material that is well tested, but the shows getting so much attention and the turns the pressure up. Of course, when people are excited about the show and the theater is crowded it's easier to score. I know we'll do great.

I have SOOO much material. I'm excited about touring around and experimenting with different sets. It's a subject near and dear to my heart so it's been easy to do much writing. See ya there.
And I'll get up a high-lites you tube video with all the comics ASAP.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The Real Price of Spam

If a sexy lady with large breasts and a penchant for short skirts and geeky guys who think they're funny actually does want me to show her around my town I'll discard the message with the rest and that is a truly awful thing.

Monday, July 30, 2007

You're Hotter Than Your Boyfriend

Yep. "You're hotter than your boyfriend." That's what a car-load of girls yelled to Bryna as she walked down the street holding my hand. I felt they complimented us both.
I wish I'd have been quicker on my feet. They were already gone before I thought to yell, "Yeah, and I don't even make a-lot of money."

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Gold Club Centerfolds = BIG RIP OFF! ! !

I went there for my buddy's bachelor party. We got talked into a "Silver, bachelor party package for $200. This would include three dances for said buddy, in private, and a "shower show." Fast talk, and one dude who sort of crashed our party giving it the hard sale, and us idiots bought it, BUT we still had to pay $15 each to get in. And the ATM machine, provided for our convenience had a service fee. A SIX DOLLAR SERVICE FEE! What the hell? So buddy gets his private dance. He's pretty pleased with that, but we've also been feeding him booze all night. He had fun, cool, all is happy. The shower show, which we paid pretty big money for is two girls in a shower, haranguing us for cash. Everything they did they required more money for. And they'd really hard sell it.
The shower show was also given while the feature was on stage, so you get one or the other. We chose wrong. The shower show was stupid. We paid to be panhandled by naked chicks.

So that's where we got hosed. Now lets talk about where we got outright stolen from.

It turns out one of the guys in our group paid with a hundred dollar bill. He watches the cashier put his hundred dollar bill under the $20 in the register. She then gives him change for a twenty. He says "Hey, I gave you a hundred." She says, "No, you gave me a twenty. Guys try to do this to me all the time." Like many guys in that environment he was feeling like he couldn't speak up and say he'd been had. I hope he changes his mind and calls them tomorrow.

Some of the dancers were extremely attractive and put on a good sexy show. The only thing the cheap, cheesy dive has going for it.

The dude that sold us the "Silver Package" is outside when we come out, waiting for the next sucker. He sees us. Does he ask how we like everything? Does he check in to see if we were pleased with our purchase, proud to have given us such a good time? No. He avoids eye contact. he knows he scammed us. And he knows we know.

To hell with that place. I'm no stranger to strip clubs. This was the sleaziest, tackiest crap I've seen. If you're having a bachelor party and you want a strip club, go elsewhere. Why doesn't someone open up a cool burlesque room in Sacramento? Hell, why don't I?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Simpsons Movie is Good, Real Good

Yeah, it's really good. I know, not much of a review, but I'm overwhelmed with feelings of relief. The Simpsons didn't renew my faith in television as I've always loved the tube, from Sesame Street to The Gong Show to Get Smart, but The Simpsons justified that love. Now the fools would have to listen when I argued that TV was indeed high art. It's been painful these last few years, watching the show's slow decline, but I keep watching and it's still worth it. The shows sunken from it's old glory but it's still better than most of what's out there and it still has it's golden moments. I am watching my dear friend grow old, and as sad as that may be, I wouldn't trade a minute of it (except those minutes where it feels like they cut up old episodes and re-assembled them to make a new one.)

I'd resigned myself to the inevitable, but then the movie was announced. My god, it could be a cure for old age! A cure for Death! I was ecstatic. But then I was scared. "What if it doesn't work?" I thought. "It could be the bullet that speeds The Simpsons to it's demise." And so I've waited, anxiously, excitedly, then anxiously again. When at last the premiers were announced I called my friend who manages a theater (thanks for trying Sid at The Crest), I called my friend who has press credentials (thanks Robert at and after threatening their lives and promising them sexual favors (or promising them a complete lack thereof) I found myself on the list. I would see The Simpsons the night before it's opening. It would, for better or worse, be over at last.

And it was good. It was really good. I don't want to ruin a single one of the gags that are hurled at the audience at breakneck speeds, so that's all you get; it's good, even when compared to the show, and you should go see it, and who knows, it may just breath new life into the series which has indeed bounced back before.

Come See My Film Tomorrow (Friday)

Friday July 27
7:00 PM, $5

Why Lie? I Need A Drink
Advance rough cut screening of the new documentary from Sacramento's Keith Lowell Jensen!

Fools Foundation - 1025 19th St, Sacramento
off of K between 19th & 20th by Old Spag Factory

Monday, July 23, 2007

Two Radio Appearances

HEY, have you come here from INSIGHT? Lookin' for the Panhandling action? CLICK HERE to visit

Two radio appearances to discuss my documentary "Why Lie? I Need A Drink"

1st off, my KXJZ interview got moved up a day. Instead of the 24th, I'll be on TODAY, the 23rd.
I'll be on Insight with Jeffrey Callison sometime between 2pm and 3pm. I always have a great time on Insight. Jeffrey's a blast.
You can listen on 90.9 fm in Sacramento or online HERE.
If you're reading this and July 24th, 2008 is ancient history you should be able to listen HERE.

On Friday I'll appear on The Christine Craft Show on KSAC, 1240 AM at 2pm. I'm really looking forward to this. Years ago, Craft recieved national attention when she sued a TV news station that fired her for being "too old, to ugly, not defferential to men." I have a-lot of admiration for this former competitive surfer, newscaster and scrapper. I look forward to her show.

Pink Horn Player


Friday, July 13, 2007

Funny Comedy Shows Ha Ha

I got no time for blogging, sheesh, I got Too MANY SHOWS! ! !

Please come show me love, as I'm workin' way too hard. Here's a list:

July 18th
Sacramento Area Music Awards; Sammies
At The Crest. I host with my friend Ben Miller. I'll be wearing a bad tux.

July 20th and 21st. 7 and 9pm both nights.
Ten West
@ The Geery (22nd and L)
I'm the opening act. It's the premier of my One Man Sketch Comedy Show In A Box. And Ten West is amazing, but don't take my word for it. Check out the slobbering praise from the critics at
Buy tix @

July 27th. 7pm, Fool's Foundation
Why Lie I Need A Drink
It's a rough cut screening in a cool small venue. Help us make our documentary rule even more by attending and giving feedback. We've been working on this monstrosity for two years. For more information see

August 10 and 11th, 8 and 10pm both nights
Coexist? Comedy Tour
world premier
This is awesome. A Christian, a Muslim, a Hindu, and atheist and a Jew all doing stand up comedy together. And they're all really funny, even me.
Tix available soon from

I'm also putting together
Sacramento All Sketch
It's about time our town had a sketch comedy festival of it's own. But this aint happening until February. More information at

Thanks. Hope to see you, and if you can't make it just send money.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Whats it take to get impeached?

You can start a war on false pretenses, when you're caught you can change the rational behind the war nevermind that it's already begun.

You can ignore the majority of congress and the country, even when your own party starts realizing how badly you've botched things up.

You can spend crucial years claiming that global warming is not an issue and then you can completely change your tune and say that it's a top priority without ever explaining why you denied it's importance for so long.

You can refuse to co-operate with investigations, even ignoring subpenoes issued by the courts.

Your administration can be associated with every catastrophe from Enron to the mishandling of Katrina.

Your veep's former employer can get insane no-bid contracts in Iraq.

Your Secretary of State can be a former employee of big oil

You can be majorly invested in big oil.

You can out an undercover operative and then commute the sentence of the one member of your administration who is actually held accountable.

You can be the most mush mouthed, bumbling idiot ever to disgrace the office.

You can hide out the Vietnam draft in the most cowardly fashion and then make your opponent look like the coward when he's a decorated veteran.

You can, and this one really gets me, refuse to testify before the 9-11 commission without your veep sitting next to you? What the hell was that?

These are great times for being president. You can get away with anything. Just how much can you get away with? Well, it seems we'll find out, as George is determined to push it as far as it will go. I predict impeachment. Not based strictly on his deeds but also on his brazen disregard for congress and the American people.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Sunday Morning

I woke up at a girlfriend's house, only she wasn't a girlfriend anymore, though I was desperately hoping that she would be again. And it wasn't actually her house. She was renting a room from a friend's mom, the same friend she'd gone to Europe with and fallen in love and lust with and done it in such a romantic, frantic, exciting situation that I didn't feel I could possibly compete.

There I was, waking up in her bed, which used to be his bed, in his childhood room full of his records. I wasn't there because things had gone well with her the night before. I was there because I smoked some weed with my employer and it put me on my ass, gave me the spins, made me want desperately to be unconscious. She let me crash at her place out of sympathy and probably with some annoyance.

I felt better in the morning. She woke me up as she headed out to work, told me to stay as long as I wanted and to lock the door behind me when I left. She hugged me, and planted a small kiss on my lips.

The sun was coming in the windows in storybook fashion and it felt like a new day in every way imaginable. I flipped through his records and came across an album with Andy Warhol's signature and an image of a banana on the otherwise blank, white cover.

I put the record on the turntable and the first sparse notes, played on a xylophone grabbed my attention as Sunday Morning came on. I sat and listened to the perfect song for that surprisingly perfect morning. I made a note to check out more of this album later, but for now I wanted this song to be the soundtrack for my day. I walked to the bus stop, enjoying the sun on my face and feeling very much alive.

More pointless true stories here.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Super discount oil, all you can eat...

The oil companies are in jeopardy. Technology is moving at a fast clip toward non-fossil fuel driven cars, and the public has more reasons than ever to be attracted toward these new ideas as war, global warming and stupid Hollywood sequels are all blamed on our dependence on oil. In fact, we almost always refer now to foreign oil, and foreign aint never a good thing, right?

So why now, of all times would the money people in the crude game be gouging us at the pumps? Now is the time to make gas the affordable alternative. They know only too well that we, the public, will find a way to love whatever is cheapest and most convenient. But instead they push us into the arms of another by making gas an increasingly impractical option.

My theory, and you knew I'd have one; they know something we don't. They're going for broke while the getting is good because they know there are no long term prospects.

So what do they know? Which of the emerging technologies are they barely able to keep us from realizing is far superior and sure to replace their stinky product? Is it hydrogen? Solar? A new electric engine? Some combination of all of the above? We don't need a leaked memo, though it would be nice. We just need to do a little research to see where these big money folks are investing the dollars they take from us at the pump. I'm sure it could be researched easily enough, but I don't do research. What do you think I am? Some kind of journalist? No, I guess that's not a mistake that'd be made.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Sid Sings; MyTV

Performed by Sid Garcia Heberger as part of I Can't Believe It's Not Comedy
Opening for The Cody Rivers Show @ The Geery in Sacramento, CA
Lyrics: Keith Lowell Jensen
Music: Simon Ennis, Keith Lowell Jensen
Choreography: TV

Monday, June 25, 2007

Panhandling Documentary Rough Cut Screening
We've been working on this damn thing for over two years now and we are, at last, close to finished. In fact we've arranged a rough cut screening in July and we'll premier the film in grand fashion within a couple of months of that screening.

It's to be a small screening, first come first serve and we'll be packing the place. Yeah.

Click Here and scroll down until you see my pic for more information.

Damian Sol (Las Pesadillas, Radio Orangevale) is working on our soundtrack and Crazy Ballhead is contributing an original song. We're also looking for a spot to put a song by Pets, even if we need to put it in the credits, it's a rockin' tune.

This is your last chance to submit music for possible inclusion so get on it. You can contact me via this myspace profile

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, can you spare a couple bucks? I need a new pair of Vans...

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Erotic Sexual Positions from Around The World (NSFW)

My sweetheart and I started our relationship with a road trip around the US.

Along the way we found this book for seventy five cents that promised a trip around the world.

I've been wanting buttons or shirts for our Truly Awful Stuff website and I think we may now have the perfect graphics.

Click here read more | digg story

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Street Art; Robots

Artist; Unknown

Michael Moore; Sicko

Thanks David Silva for the photos
Michael Moore was in Sacramento yesterday with his new films Sicko, hosted by California's Registered Nurses. I was lucky enough to attend the film screening and I'm happy to report;Michael Moore hits another one out of the park.

I went into Sicko with high expectations, not only because even conservative outfits like Fox News were giving it the thumbs up, but also because I am a big fan of Moore and as I am a person with a chronic illness the subject matter of Sicko is near and dear to my heart, (or to my colon rather.)

In Sicko Moore traces America's health care problems from the Nixon administration, including audio from "The Tapes" though Hillary's attempt at universal health care (including her eventual sell out) to our present mess.

Sicko contrasts this situation with the health care systems in Canada, England, France and even Cuba. My only complaint with this film is that we don't visit the Muslim slums of France, or the poorer areas of England, though and Englishman who watched the film with me insists that had he visited these place it would've strengthened his argument.

We do of course witness plenty of personal horror stories from both patients (or would be patients) and medical providers on our side of the pond. These stories focus not only on the difficulty of getting treated, even for the insured, but also on the poor quality of treatment we often receive. I had tears in my eyes through much of this and was actually worried I might let out a sob at points. There's no fear of propaganda exaggeration in these scenes as we've all seen enough of this kind of mistreatment in our own communities to know that it's real.

But it isn't all weeping and getting pissed, there are plenty of laugh out loud moments. Moore's montage of Hillary as the savior of the people is a crack up even as it leads to her sell out which was somewhat less amusing. When Moore hears that the webmaster behind which he calls "the biggest Anti-Michael Moore site out there" is having financial problems due to medical bills he sends him a hardy check, and it's hilarious.

In Sicko there are also many stand up and cheer scenes, scenes where normal folks fight back and win, scenes where you see lives get saved, and scenes where you start to think maybe we really can shut down this F'd up system in this country and start taking better care of our selves and each other.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I Love Skate Boarding

I mean, short of getting bit by a pygmy where else am I gonna get cool bruises like this?

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Sarah Silverman Sucks (or doesn't)

Sarah Silverman goes for the edgy points here, but she loses me completely. There is Paris Hilton, in the audience, and what does Silverman attack her for? Being clueless and spoiled? Thinking she's above the law? Contributing to the materialism and general dumbing down of our culture? No, she makes fun of her for getting caught giving blow jobs.

What the hell?! Isn't giving blow jobs the one thing that Paris has done that we should all support. You don't give blow jobs Sarah? We should make fun of you then, while celebrating the blow job givers of the world. When is national Blow Jobbers Day, cuz I'm buying some flowers for sure, including a big bouquet for Paris.

And all the rich, powerful men in the audience have a chuckle while our girl who commits the sin of enjoying some sex sits and tries to smile through her public humiliation. They love you Sarah, you're their darling. You can all laugh at the slut together. That's not cutting edge. That's the same old tired shit. Why not top it off with a fat girl joke?


To Comment click here.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Wonderful Weekend

Bryna and I got up early on Saturday and put in a garden with the help of our neighbors. We live in a four-plex and it's cool when all the neighbors work together on something like this.

After gardening came bike shopping. We went to three different bike shops and then Bryna found the Electra "Amsterdam." It's a gorgeous bike and it's comfortable for her to ride, which is to say it doesn't beat up her back.

I got up at 7 on Sunday and went to the skate park with my buddy Paul. After that the farmers market with Bryna. And finally, back to the bike store. It was hard to convince Bryna to spend a bit of money on herself but she was at last persuaded. We bought the bike and after we went to Tres Hermanas with our friend Chris for salad and Sangria (I had a smoothie that I brought in and poured into a Sangria glass so I didn't look like an ass drinking something I didn't buy at the restaurant. But you see, I am an ass!)

That night we went to the drive-in and saw 28 Weeks Later. This movie is SCARY AS HELL! I highly recommend it. And the drive-in is rad. I know, I'm always hating on cars, but if they're good for one thing, it's the drive in. Especially for scary movies. It's in such bad repair which makes everything scarier.

Monday was a holiday so we got up early and hit the bike trail, passing through Old Sacramento where the Jazz Festival was happening on our way.

We had a great ride. Stopping halfway fro a picnic lunch. We saw two cranes, a turtle and some wood ducks. Lots of folks were out for the holiday.

On our way home we stopped at Earl Grey Manor in Old Sac for tea. I had a great tea. Cardamom, licorice, mint, black pepper and yet surprising subtle.

Then back over the ugly but really cool R Street bridge that crosses the freeway and isn't open to cars.

Monday, May 28, 2007

A Christian, A Muslim, A Hindu an Atheist and a Jew

A Christian, A Muslim, A Hindu an Atheist and a Jew walk into a bar...
You can come up with your own punchline, but I'll be living this joke as I fill the role of Atheist on the Coexist Comedy tour. Five comics with five different sets of beliefs on God, The Universe and Everything doing a show together.

To start we'll each be doing stand up dealing with religion and of course many other things. As we work together though I'm excited at the prospect of doing some skits together as well as other collaborative type stuff.

I'm also excited about getting as much of the off stage stuff on tape as possible. Dealing with not only our own differences but the different reactions of the public and the effect on us. I'm sure there'll be nights where one or more of us will not be able to get a joke over because of an audience that doesn't get the point and is just there to root for their "team." How we deal with that is going to be fascinating. Obviously I hope for an audience who gets it and is there to get along with each other, but we all know, bringing together people with different beliefs about God and putting the subject out there can be volatile.

Anyway, Since I'm Big Chief Blogs-a-bunch as well as the guy who first said, "Hey, you guys all believe different crazy shit, and we all get along. Man, we should do a show together" I've been giving the task of documenting the whole experiment at
Check it out, leave comments, and praise Allah, Jesus, Vishnu, God, Bob Hope or what have you.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jerry Falwell, Ding Dong Hurrah

Today is a tough day to be an atheist. If I believed in God I could rejoice in knowing that he'd be giving Jerry Falwell a good sock in the gut right now, maybe a pile driver or two. Instead I shall just be glad that a man who had nothing positive to add to the planet is no longer on it. Bye, bye Jerry, you will not be missed.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

New Story on my fiction blog

The Master and the Pilgrim

"Oh exalted one, we present before you now a pilgrim who has been through the trial of endless desert, who has scaled the 1,000 steps of enlightenment, he has endured every test of faith, soul and body and has earned an audience with your holiness."

The master listened as the young man who stood before him was introduced. Despite all he'd been through, all he'd endured, he still showed a hint of nervousness. Or was it because of all that he'd invested in this moment that magnified it's importance, causing his lip to quiver ever so slightly and his forehead to perspire. He was discipline, had to give him that. His stance was perfectly steady, his gaze did not shift.

"Thank you brother." The master said. It was as many words as anyone had heard him speak. He led by listening as he sat upon his mat in deep contemplation for hours at a stretch.

Now, alone in the room with a pilgrim who had been watched by all over the last two years, since it was noticed that he was making it through the ordeals more rapidly than any other in the history of the faith. That it seemed he would make it all the way was exciting beyond measure, but that he would do it without ever once having to repeat a trial inspired a sort of fanaticism amongst the throng of believers, usually not prone to such response.

"So, you've made it through every ordeal?"

"Yes master."

"Uh… wow. Congratulations, that's… that's amazing."

The disciplined and intense young man stood perfectly still. He was not asked a question and so, he did not offer a response.

"Um, okay… listen, the thing is, it's great that you got here that you made it, we all applaud you. I look forward to finding you a great place within the ministry and I think its safe to say, you'll be well compensated for your… your… ministry."

The two men sat in intense silence. The young man began to wonder if this was another test, another ordeal. He stood, still and stared straight ahead. He would pass it.

"Uh, that's it. Thanks. Look, I'm not playing or speaking in riddles or anything, we're cool here. Let's see if we can't find you a prayer mat eh? I'll call Brother Kelly back in," and as the master took a deep breath and prepared to holler for his most faithful dedicated follower to return the young man spoke.

"I need to know. What does it all mean? I went through all of those ordeals, night of one hundred odors, the week of truly awful films, and I still don't get it. I'm sorry, but I just, I just don't feel any closer to understanding what it all means. Why I'm here, why I exist, why here exists."

"Look kid, I'm gonna level with you. It's really quite easy. It doesn't mean jack. It's all biological imperative."

Click Here to Read the whole story.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Be a Man, a Macho Man

In 2003 Macho Man Randy Savage, wrestler and Slim Jim spokes model decided to add Rapper to his resume.

The results are, from a musical perspective so awful, just really, incredibly, mind blowingly awful, but like all the best examples of awful there's a brilliance at work here. The character he has created is intact throughout the album, so much so that I have to wonder how much of it is just this guy being himself.

The second that Macho Man comes on and in his trade mark grumble informs the listener that "Now I'm spittin' Lyrics" you'll be rolling. (Read the rest here.)

Thursday, May 3, 2007

The Ant and The Grasshopper

I recieved a conservative e-mail. Here's the e-mail and my reply.

The Ant and The Grasshopper
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.

My Modern Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the grasshopper calls his Republican friends in congress
and secures a few no bid contracts in Iraq. He gets plenty of money and can live well anywhere he wants, but he decides he wants the ant's house as it's in a primo location.

He works with his rich developer friends and they apply to the city to claim immenent domain so they can put a highrise in where ant's house now sits (with a nice penthouse on top for grasshopper.)

The ant fights them. A small, free, weekly paper runs a story on his fight. The grasshopper's pals at Fox News run an inflamatory story on the ant claiming he doesn't take care of the home that he claims to love and is just looking for a bigger pay off from the tax payers money.

You see, the ant knows that we're all overtaxed as the wars wage on and the economy continues to stall and he cares about the environment, so he got rid of his wastefull lawn and put in a rock and cactus garden instead. His homeowners association cried foul and this is where Fox found their angle.

The attacks go further as the grasshopper, who never served his country at war attacks the ant's war records pointing out that ant only served two tours. "Why not three?" grasshopper asks, implying that ant was a coward.

Ant's boss feels that ant being in his employ with all the bad press is actually hurting his bottom line but he wants to stand by ant. The boss is offered a contract working on the sky rise that will go where ant's home now sits and he caves.

Ant now has no health insurance, is in jeapordy of losing his public assistance and has been arrested several times for vagrancy. He's recently turned to drink and his prospects for the future are not good. The view from grasshoppers place is spectacular.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.

My next story will feature ant losing his job for writing long liberal e-mails from work.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Why Lie, Almost Done

Our feature length documentary "Why Lie, I Need A Drink; Exploring the myth of the affluent panhandler" is SOOOO close to done.

Below are some clips. We're looking for soundtrack music now, If you're in a band or know a band or musician who has or want to write a song about panhandling we may use it. Contact me via myspace for details. At the very least, I can promise that every song about panhandling contributed will be featured on the website:
The MySpace page for the film is

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Why Mommy is A Democrat

New Post at;

Click images to enlarge

O'Reilly's kids book was pretty hilarious. Of course, it's just as awful and riotously funny when the other side decides to brainwash their young uns. And with this fine example they seem to be going for the very young uns.

To read the rest of my exploration of the literary masterpiece that is "Why Mommy is a Democrat" Click Here.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Holy Crap, Another Blog!

Yes, I have ANOTHER Blog.
But this one is sponsored. is my new blog and it's sponsored by, meaning they are sending me all kinds of Sea Monkey goodies and feeding my Sea Monkey habit.
It's like Ron Jeremy getting sponsored by Pfizer or something.
Stoked. Looking forward to tons of free stuff.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Not Actually In The Bible

A recent report indicates that Americans are some of the most religious people on the planet but score horribly on biblical knowledge. I'd like to help.
Over the years many things have been rumored to be in the Bible that actually are not. Let's explore a few of these here..

The Golden Rule; Do unto other as you would have done unto you.
This one IS in there, but it's worded differently. This more commonly known wording is, as far as I can tell, from a 1963 book on B&D, S&M ettiquette titled "Safewords and Hanky Codes made simple."

Here's a really surprising one. Contrary to popular belief, neither "Vote Republican" nor "Bush, Cheny in 2004" are found in the bible, except where they've been added which is frequently the case.

God made the dirt, so the dirt can't hurt. Amazingly enough, this gem which led to much eating of dirt in my child hood is not scripture. It seems that in fact many of Gods creations, not excluding humans, are quite capable of inflicting hurt as is God himself. (A wink to Jones, fellow dirt eater.)

Mythical Creatures. The unicorn IS actually in the Bible, Leprachans, Tela-Tubbies, funny republicans, intelligent and/or productive internet debate, natural disaster proof trailer parks, a cure for warts or dinosaurs however are not.

Spare the Twinkie, spoil the child; not in there. Not that my mom ever fell for that one anyway.

Kill everyone that believes differently than you. Not in there. Sorry. No, please, calm down, there's no need to get violent. Okay, okay it's in. I'm writing it in right now, please, have a seat.

I guess I'd better leave off there, for now.

Wotta Weekend

Becca as The Optimistic Banana
I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.

Having The Cody Rivers Show here was amazing. Their performance this weekend, like their performance the first time I saw them, was inspiring and mind-blowing. The thing is it's also frustrating. I feel like we have the potential to do the kind of work that they're doing if we made the time for it. But my time is divided between making a film, writing, going to school, and playing the producer/promoter role that allows me to bring folks like The Cody Rivers Show and Brent Weinbach to town to begin with. I admire their discipline. And I am wanting to be as disciplined.

Obviously with the film so close to finished I need to put my energy there for now which is great. I really believe in the film. When its in the can I think I want to do either some solo work that falls somewhere between stand up and sketch or a smaller sketch project. A project that will involve only a few people who are willing to rehearse four to five times a week and really up the level of professionalism.

Another emotion going through my head is a bit of sadness at seeing the guys head back to Washington. The two performers, Mike and Andrew along with Andrew's brother Casey who did tech for them are all so smart, so sweet and I feel like we all just really clicked. They stayed at Becca's (one of our troupe members) place while they were in town and I just couldn't spend enough time there, joking, talking about comedy and being really silly. I really hope to get to Washington soon, and since my cousins in Seattle are expecting a kid soon I have a great reason to go.

In the midst of this muddy swamp of emotions is also pride. I'm really proud of my troupe's performance. It was all new material, and if we were taking it on the road it would be refined, polished and some skits would be cut etc, but I felt we made a good strong showing and the musical number came off GREAT, even though I was rendered COMPLETELY BLIND by the TV I had on my head while trying to dance with Sid.
And I'm proud that I bring acts like Brent Weinbach, The Cody Rivers Show and more to Sacramento. It makes me feel like I'm an important part of this community when I'm bringing cool stuff like this to town.

For any of you who missed it, HOLY CRAP! You missed one of the best shows I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of. Big thank yous to all of you did make it. Mwah!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

My Atheist Stand-Up Videos

These are getting some great feedback on youtube. Hope nobody minds if I repost 'em here. I'll try to get some new comedy videos up soon. Thanks.

You can tell I'm nervous here as I curse more than I should, a sure give away. I was nervous because I hadn't done stand up in a while having been distracted by performing sketch ( and I was getting my sea legs back. But it's still a good clip. Enjoy.

So here's more from the same weekend of shows at The Geery. I was performing with Tapan Trivedi and Brent Weinbach.

I Can't Recall

I stand accused of perusing Google news stories about Alberto Gonzales and blogging about said stories while I was being paid by my employer to do other tasks that didn't involve the internet in any way whatsoever.

Was I in fact behaving in this fashion?
I don't recall.

Was I reminded of the last great Republican administration's greatest scandal, starring Ollie North, The Gipper and a bunch of South American terrorists?
I don't recall.

Sorry. Really. My memory just doesn't seem to be performing right today. Did I maybe get really high before being presented with this inquiry?
I can't recall.

Well, it is a fact that Alberto Gonzales said that the attorneys were fired justly after poor performance and then turned around and admitted he really had no specific complaints to note and had performed no evaluation of these attorneys. Do I have any opinion on this?
I Can't Recall!

Um, I'm asking for a current opinion, not a recollection. Do I have an opinion?
I can't recall.

Was this a trial or was Alberto Gonzales looking for a sponsorship from some memory supplement? Now with Gingko Biloba!!!

I CAN'T RECALL! ! ! And this, this American understands with empathy and compassion. If there's one think we American's are lacking it's a decent memory.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Floppy Dog to Mini Mullet

I don't care what anyone says, this do, which I dubbed the floppy dog is the best hair cut ever on man or beast.

But alas, I'm sorry to say I was a wussy and only wore it for four days before going to The Amazin' Mason and getting this do:

It's more of a mullet than the photo would have you think.

Mason is rad and he just got his own Salon on Franklin. He cuts girl hair, boy hair, black hair, white hair, does eyelashes and plays good music while he cuts. He's never killed a man without good reason.

Visit his myspace and check out his blog for details.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Steve Martin, Plagiarist?

Ladies and Gentleman, Steve Martin stole my act.
It's true.

When I precocious young kid, barely out of the toddler stage, I went to Disneyland and there I witnessed a tragic young man engrossed in a pathetic attempt at making the funny.

I coached the sad young fella on how to be humorous and that my friends is when he did it, Steve Martin stole my entire act, the white suit, the baloons, the arrow through the head, even the banjo playing. Now, a few decades later he's getting rich making really bad movies and I'm still struggling to make a new start.
Now I want you Steve Martin fans to know that although I'm mad at Steve for stealing my material when I was but a mere boy incapable of defending myself, I do love his comedy dearly. Of course I do, since it's really mine. So you see, in that sense I too am a Steve Martin Fan, though I hate his stinking guts.

Now Steve's never going to admit to our little meeting. The only witnesses were my friend Cindy (the Jehova's Witness) and the girl working at the corn dog stand. Steve was sleeping with the corn dog girl, (and eating at her stand for free I should mention), and promised to sleep with Cindy when she came of age if she'd keep her mouth shut about his lifting of my gags. I have then no proof. I have only the knowledge that Steve will burn in hell for his crime. Of course as an atheist I don't believe in hell, but I'll convert if that's what it takes to show that funny man a little justice. Know any good religions with particularly nasty versions of hell and laxed attitudes towards custard?

I've been quiet about this for too long. I'm ready to fight! I will show this Steve Martin for the evil corn dog eating, comedy steeling, corn dog vendor and jehova's witness just turned 18 threesome having scoundrel (sorry for the bad language) that he is.

Maybe Mormonism, I hear they have a pretty good health plan. Or maybe I'll convert to the Hare Krishna faith. Can I arrange to have Steve reincarnated as Gilbert Godfried?
So, my parents were wheeling me around in one of those hard plastic Disneyland strollers with the Mickey head molded in the front. They may be cute but let me tell you they're nowheresville on the comfort map. I had on my little white suit, my arrow through the head. I'd bored of making hilarious balloon sculptures for my playmates (the Freud with a corndog is still one of my finest) and so I pulled out my banjo picked a few tunes and when a crowd gathered I told a joke or two.

This pathetic guy was there trying to sell guide books using some tired old jokes and shaking a tamberine. He witnessed all the hub-bub around my stroller and, coming in to get a closer look he realized I was everything he'd been looking to become. I combined the finest of vaudeville with modern sensibilities and a so unhip as to be hip anti-hipness that made the post-hip crowd love me. Above all I was innocent. That's what they loved the most; my feigned innocence combined with the seemingly accidental wit of a Wiseman.

Well that bastard's career has been nonstop ever since. He cornered me and Cindy while we waited for her Jehova's Witness parents who were engaged in a vain for sugar free beverages in the magic kingdom. Steve bougt us a couple of corndogs and I showed him my shtick.

From happy feet to balloon art. He took notes and kept saying, "Yes, Yes, Yes!" and then kissing the corn dog lady; Big sloppy kisses like the world would witness years later in Prince's Purple Rain (By the way Prince stole that script from cousin Paul, though Paul's version was about an airline stewardess who ran for congress and it featured more folk music. Believe it or not, it's up to you. I don't care.)
Steve is one of my biggest influences meaning I too want to steal all my material from a toddler.

Now I tried to fight back, but Steve sent his boys to rough me up. They beat me for hours with rubber chickens to a soundtrack of Steve on the banjo. I will not cave in though, I will continue to tell my story, and they'll not silence me, not without breaking out the custard anyway. For the record his gang was made up of Carrot Top, Arsenio Hall, David Arquette and Mr. T. I think he must be in cahoots with those devils in the collect phone call game. Oh what a seedy bunch.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Roxy Music and The White Stripes

Two bands that didn't really grab me the first time around but now, DAMN! I can't get enough.
I've always loved More Than This and Avalon, two songs from the later incarnation of Roxy Music. I dig Brian Eno so you'd think his work with the original Roxy Music would thrill me but until this week it really didn't, and I even like Eno's ambient stuff!

Don't know what the block was, but now, holy shit, this is great stuff. I've been playing "The Early Years" compilation over an over.

Here's a clip. Damn, I had no idea Ferry was so freakin' cool. He and Eno, with the feathers and crazy make up were such a great contrast:

I'm also totally loving White Blood Cells by The White Stripes. At first I dismissed them as a fairly solid rock and roll band with a minimalist gimick. Boy was I wrong. Jack White is the most amazing writer and player. What an extraordinary album. Here's some video clips including a live version of Hotel Yorba: