Monday, July 21, 2014

Fighting With The Parking Tyrant at The State Fair

Parking lot guy at Cal Expo: Sorry, cash only.

Me: Oh, um, I don't think I have cash.

Guy: You can go out the first exit and find an ATM. Come back, have fun.

Me: Oh, just a minute, I have quarters.

Guy: You can't pay in quarters.

Me: What!? Sure I can. This is legal tender.

Guy: No. I'm not gonna take your quarters.

Me: Yes you are. I'm going to pay ten dollars in quarters, and then I'm going to go park.

Guy: Sir, there are people behind you in line. I'm not going to make them wait while you count out ten dollars in quarters. Go to an ATM, come back, have fun.

Me: You're spending more time arguing with me than it would have taken to count the quarters.

Guy: I'm not taking the quarters.

Me: Yes you are. (And I take my keys out and set them on the passenger seat.) You go ahead and contact your manager, the cops, tow company, whatever you have to do to move my car. I'll wait here. Or you can just take my fucking quarters.

Guy: ... Give me the quarters.

It took about a minute to count ten piles of four quarters each. He handed me my parking pass and said again, less cheerfully, "Have fun."

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Is your roommate gay?

The following is an actual phone conversation that took place in the early 90s:

My landlord Mike: Keith, is your roommate gay?
Me: Yeah, Mike.
Mike: Why do you wanna live with a gay guy?
Me: I like the swishy way he always pays his rent on time.
Mike: Well the guys next door (Mike rented the house next to ours to a fraternity) said that he was on your back porch looking at their dicks.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, I'll look into that.
Mike: Please do. That's not okay.
Me: Right. One quick question though; What were their dicks doing out on the back porch? Could you find that out for me?
Mike: ... Make sure to get the rent check in on time.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Maxine The Vampire Slayer

They were running every test known to man on my four year old daughter Max, because they do that with the wee ones, just to stay ahead of anything that might be going screwy. They needed a good amount of blood and when you're tiny you don't give too much blood at once. So, we arranged three visits in three days, with a sticker and a lollipop and the end of each.

Max did pretty well on visit one, sitting on mommy's lap. Visit two was a bit more of a fight. Visit three she was over it and resisted hard.

When the phlebotomist stuck the needle in her right arm and wasn't able to get any blood they announced they'd have to switch arms. Well Max wasn't having it. "YOU SAID THREE! YOU SAID THREE TIMES NOT FOUR!" and of course she was right. But her parents, traitors that we are, said "Come on Max, we're already here, lets get it done and you won't have to come back."

My wife had Max on her lap, was holding both of her hands, and had a leg wrapped around the front blocking Max's feet. The kid was secured like Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, she is also as crafty. One phlebotomist having already failed moved aside and another leaned in to try and draw the blood. She leaned over and my sweet daughter saw her opportunity; she headbutted the lab-coat clad lady in the face. Lab-coat had seen it coming and pulled back avoiding any real damage. I said, "Max, NO!" Ignoring me completely Max looked her enemy in the eye and said very clearly, "I will punch you in the face!" and when the vampire went back to trying to place the needle, Max said, "If you put that needle in my arm I will punch it out!"

At the time I was shocked and worried, but the more I thought about the less concerned I was. It was an extreme situation. They HAD in fact made a deal and reneged on it, and it's nice to know my kid can take care of herself. That headbutt was kind of beautiful really.

To put it more succinctly, yes, my daughter did headbutt a phlebotomist, but the fiend was trying to stab her!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

A Visit From Jehovah's Witnesses

My wife politely let the two Jehovah's Witness ladies at our door know that we're atheists and then she invited them in because it was 103 out.

When they asked whose picture was on the wall my 4 year old daughter Max very matter-of-factly told them, "That's Louis Armstrong. He's not as good as my trumpet playing hero Dizzy Gillespie." Then she taught them all about dragons and dragon related accessories.