Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Abe and Me

My world view was greatly affected by Abraham Lincoln when I was in the third grade.

No, I didn't free my Star Wars figures from their servitude, nor did I try to assassinate then president Jimmy Carter during a play at Ford's theatre.

I was introduced to a box of cards called "Story Starters." These little cards would give you a topic to write about and the topic I drew had me imagining that Abraham Lincoln was somehow magically transported to modern times and that I had the job of showing him around.

I've been viewing the world with the question of "How would I explain this to Abe? How would this look to him?" ever since.

I constantly strip things down to their basics; I try to take the magic out of how an engine works. I also put inventions in order. To understand how this works, you first have to understand how that works. You'd think that it all starts with the wheel but actually toast comes first, then the wheel, then, a few inventions later, you get internet porn.

I think about Lincoln at least once a day, and have for the last quarter of a century. Sometimes I think that looking at the world through Lincoln's eyes would reveal a beautiful, wondrous world; Things that we might not appreciate; the ribbonlike sculpture of raised freeways interchanges, or the way all the signs and the lines in the road light up against the black backdrop of a night drive.
Other times I think that our modern world would look monstrous, a nightmare of scorched and paved earth and an insane pace that quickens exponentially right before our eyes, spinning out of control.
Ideally, I'd find Lincoln in a plain, simple room and we'd have at least a few days to talk before venturing outside.

Sneak Attack: I've been tagged before. I now Tag everyone who reads this. On your own blog, or right here in the comments section, let's hear your finish to the story starter:
Abraham Lincoln waits for you to introduce him to the present...


Religious Rules

Buddhists are vegan, or lots of 'em are anyway (Siddhartha Gautama was actually quite fond of pork). There's an interesting quideline in Buddhism. It seems that if you're a guest at somebody's home and they offer you a dish that has animal or animal products in it, you're better of eating it than being a rude guest.
Now THIS could come in handy.
You and your best pal both convert. He can INVITE you over to kill your boss. Wouldn't want to be a rude guest now. And you can invite your buddy over to have sex with his 21 year old secretary. It's a winning proposition.

In the big three you're instructed NOT to covet your NEIGHBOR's wife. That's where pornography is great. There's very little chance that the girl in the magazine or on the dvd or 15 second free clip on the internet (you cheap bastard) lives anywhere near you.
But it's almost like we don't like it if it isn't sin. What do they bill these girls as? The Girl Next Door?!

"Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight." Not actually in the Bible. Sorry.

Born Atheist?

My fellow atheists often point out that we were all born atheist.

I just can't bring myself to use this one.

Yes, I was born atheist, but I was also born bloody and shittin' on myself, a state I try to avoid as an adult, with some success I might add.

God made the dirt, so the dirt don't hurt. Not actually in the bible. Sorry.

Friday, December 21, 2007

This is FUNNY

Not sure where it came from. Somebody e-mailed it to me. Hilarious.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Why Lie...

We're finally done editing our movie and it only took two years. Actually it took a little over two years, but it's done and the premier is going to one helluva bash this coming March. More information at

Can't Keep a Sacred

I could almost be a Mormon.
I could almost be a Mormon in the same way I could almost be a magician.
Neither magicians nor Mormons strike me as particularly cool (noted exceptions; magicians Penn and Teller, Mormons The Aquabats.)

The reason I could be taken in by either of these two admittedly geeky camps is that I'm a sucker for secrets. It's dangerous for me to get a near a magic shop. It's all I can do to get out of there without spending all my money on tricks just so that I can take 'em apart and see how they work. Luckily the Mormons, unlike the Catholics, don't have little shops, well okay they have Deseret Industries, but they don't sell Mormonism there. But them Mormons, they do have their secrets.

The Mormons do not want you to know what they believe. It's secret. I have a dear friend who is a Mormon. Well, I had a dear friend before I started writing this blog (are the Mormons big on forgiveness?) This friend of mine always corrects me when I say secret. "It's not secret, it's sacred." he tells me. I think the two words mean different things and are not mutually exclusive. The Bible is sacred to some, but I'm allowed to read it. Same goes with the Koran, the Talmud, the Gitas, all sacred but none are secret. But them Mormon bloomers, they're secret.

Yep, Mitt Romney is wearing special, church sanctioned bloomers. It's true, and it's secret (sacred.) It's hard to see in this pic, but the undergarments have a special little shape over each nipple, sort of a backwards L and a V. There's another little line down around the belly button and one on the lower right thigh. I don't know what the symbols mean, nobody will tell me, it's secret (sacred.) I could almost sign up, and waste a few years of my life, just to solve this mystery. You see secrets (sacreds) really drive me up a wall.

The garments, like Mormonism's take on black people and polygamy, have evolved over the years. If you trace natural progression of this evolution, the Mormons will be wearing g-strings and pasties before too long. At that point, I may have to give in to my curiosity, and sign myself up.

For now though, I like the Mormons (and even most of the magicians) that I know. If somebody was a magician and a Mormon, I'd probably have to give them a noogie. But, I'm not crazy about secrets. Not when a group is achieving increasing political power. So, I'm afraid I would not be able to vote for a magician for president (sorry Penn) or Vice President (sorry Teller.)

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Sick Day Scribblings

I'm home sick from work. Watching the Blues Brothers, reading Steve Martin's new book and having random thoughts:

It's hard to be a moral person these days.
I try not to "Spill my seed on barren ground" but the farmer keeps chasing me out of his crops.

"All Dogs Go To Heaven." not actually in the Bible.
(Except maybe in Disney's 1986, "Uncle Rhemus reads the old testament" now out of print.)

A Catholic said to me "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve."
That's funny, I thought it was, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam who led led a celibate lifestyle and wore a big pointy hat with flowing robes and embroidered slippers while hanging out with lots of similarly dressed younger men and boys who were at his beck and call.

Build that Temple in Israel already. I think we should all pledge money toward getting this thing done. If it's built, and nothing happens, we can all get on with our lives.
If the prophecy comes true, the world ends. It's really a win/win.

Buddhism seemed cool to me at first. So did marjuana.
In both cases my sufferering is lessoned and I feel happy but I don't get much done.
If Thomas Edison had been a Bhuddist (or a stoner) he'd have given the world some haikus about tree and we wouldn't be able to read them at night.

Many atheists are fond of blaming all war on religion. I think they are people who've never attended a sporting event. If religion were wiped out the Armed forces would draft Raiders fans and would explain to them that the Iraqis root for the Rams.

Give a hoot, don't pollute. NOT actually in the bible. Sorry.

Larry The Cable Guy Continues

Click here, to read the hilarious comments that continue to show up at my Larry The Cable Guy post.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I'm Not Angry

I'm not an angry atheist. I'm a happy atheist, for the most part.

If I believed in God, if I believed that I was the product of a divine creator, THEN I'd be angry. I'd be pissed.

Why? you ask.

I'm glad you asked. I'll tell you.

If I believed in a creator/God I would be angry about my inabillity to perform felattio on myself. Not that I can't do it. That's not why I'd be pissed, but rather because I can ALMOST do it. For it is that almost that has killed any opportunity I had to ever become a productive person.

A kind and loving God, one who didn't have one helluva cruel streak would not have made it so that I could get within an inch (half an inch if I stick my tongue out) of reaching the ultimate in self fullfillment.

Any God who really cared about me would've just put the damn thing IN my mouth, or else completely out of the way. How about on the back of my head? That would've worked. "Hmmm, lets see, can I reach that? Nope. Oh well, back to finding a cure for cancer."

But NO, according to you believers out there, I was intentionally designed in this way, leading to hours of what can only be described as back-breaking labor. And worse, I was designed this way by one who sees all, who is everywhere. Yeah, laugh it up God.

I am sure that the number one network in heaven is the Watching Humans Try To Suck Their Own Dicks Television. I want my WHTTSTOD-TV.

Angel 1: Oh man, did you see the stand up comedian with the three names working on his last night?
Angel 2: No, I was playing with the Army men. That guy was at it AGAIN?!
Angel 1: Yeah, and get this, He Made Contact!
Angel 2: You're shittin' me.
Angel 1: No man, for real. He was flexing and stretchin' for the better part of an hour. I was about to change over to the Shy Bladders Trying to Pee in a Crowded Bathroom Network, when his tongue comes out, he groans, stretches, and then I'll be damned if he didn't get a moment of contact, FOLLOWED BY AN HOUR OF ROLLING AROUND IN EXCRUTIATING PAIN! He still can't stand up straight. HA HA HA.
Angel 2: HA HA HA HA,
Angel 1: HA HA HA HA HA
Angel 2: HA HA HA HA Oooohhhh, Oh man, that's great. I'm glad I TIVOed it.
Angel 1: You'll love the slow mo instant replay man, classic.

The only religion I could belong to and not be angry would be Hinduism, 'cause they got Yoga.

I hope my Dad won't be reading this. It was him who I had to ask for locks on my door when I was fourteen. And while I'm sure he had a pretty good idea why, I don't need him knowing the gory details.

Hindu Pussies

This guy will NOT kick your ass
I'm on tour these days with Tapan Trivedi, a Hindu.

Hinduism is the one religion I knew very little about. I like their music videos, but I needed to know more. I rented the film Gandhi. Wow! This guy was amazing. He led his country to independence through PASSIVE resistance, total non-violence even in the face of oppression.

I was impressed with the way these guys would remain passive even as they were assaulted. I was like, "Wow, so THAT'S Hinduism. That is beautiful." I went straight to Tapan and punched him in the head.

Lest anyone try and repeat my experiment; Please note, not all Hindus are pacifist. Do not fuck with Tapan. That bastard; He kicked my ass. And then he came to my house and set one of my model trains on fire. Plus he laughed at my curry. It seems I don't use enough cummin.

Bisexual Atheist Glam Rock Hipsters Unite

People ask me if I'm stoked that atheism seems to be the cool, hip, trendy thing right now.

Well, yeah. It's cool if it gets me some gigs, but it worries me too.

I can't help but think about the Bowie era when bi-sexuality was cool, hip and trendy. Yeah, the wild seventies. By the early eighties Bowie was explaining how he wasn't bisexual, but just got lost in a character he was playing. This allowed him to appear in coffee commercials. Elton John was marrying a lady. Mick Jagger was making a really crappy solo album (totally unrelated, but I can't pass an opportunity to rail against that abomination.) And even my personal favorite David Johanson of the New York Dolls was gettin' in on the act with his hilarious tune, Girls: "I really like them GIRLS. You know I love them GIRLS." Okay David, we get it, we get it. You better change your name to Buster man, 'cause you'll never live down the legacy of the New York Dolls.

I worry that come 2011 I'll be there on stage with Oral Roberts Junior, repenting, weeping, begging forgiveness for all the stuff I didn't do, and then I'll shoot a few coffee commercials.

There's a silver lining to this cloud too though. I'm becoming an increasingly high profile atheist and THAT, my friends, is money in the bank. The more photos, videos, TV interviews and newspaper articles exist that identify me as an atheist the more the mainstream, high profile Christian entertainment complex will pay for my tear stained face in front of their cameras. They would get many a red state housewife weeping with my story of debauchery and redemption. Yep, if I ever get too broke, I can just sell my soul to God. Amen.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ah Crap, I’m a Stand Up Comedian again

Yeah. So, I tripped over an idea I'd left laying about and I landed back on stage doing stand up again. Within a few months I was onstage at Punch Line, both in Sacramento and SF as part of an amazing show that formed out of that pesky idea which had been flutting about for a couple of years now.

So, I have to get back to being disciplined and writing, EVERY DAY!
I figure I'll do a-lot of it right here, so that other comics can steal it before I ever get it to the stage.

Mind you, much of it will be crap. That's how it works folks. You write TONS, enough so that even if only 1% is worthwhile, you'll still have a nice little chunk of worthwhile.

So, get ready. Some crap is coming your way. Thanks.Sincerely.

Friday, December 7, 2007

The Golden Compass (and the golden dress)

So, just how does an atheist celebrate Christmas? Well, I know what I'll be up to. I'm taking all of the Christian kids I know to see The Golden Compass.

C'mon now folks, could God really be opposed to a movie that features Nicole Kidman in that gold dress? I came darn close to believing in a divine being the first time I saw the commercial.

And what is it with kid's entertainment that gets Jesus' fan club all fired up? Harry Potter, Tinky Winky (or whatever that Tella-Tubbie's name was,) Dungeons and Dragons was a big target when I was a kid, and now The Golden Compass. It's sneaky you say? Right. Its all full of symbolism and what not, unlike good honest films like The Chronicles of Narnia for instance. For the record, I really enjoyed the Chronicles of Narnia. I did not protest it at all.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not really bent about this. I find it quite amusing, and I'm sure the extra publicity isn't hurting the film at all.

See ya there, December 25th. Merry Christmas.

PS: "The words daemon, dæmon, are Latinized spellings of the Greek δαίμων (daimon),[1] used purposely today to distinguish the daemons of Ancient Greek religion, good or malevolent "supernatural beings between mortals and gods, such as inferior divinities and ghosts of dead heroes" (see Plato's Symposium), from the Judeo-Christian usage demon, a malignant spirit that can seduce, afflict, or possess humans."
Just so you know.