Monday, December 31, 2012

2012, The Year The World Didn't End

A new year, significant to us human types, but the universe at large does not, I would suspect, give a damn that we're calling the next one 2013. For the comedians in the universe who work in topical material, it can be a sad time. A time to say goodbye to some best bits as they become material from last year. And with that in mind, here are some of my own personal favorite topical jokes, comics, and photo-quotes that I put out into the universe in 2012. Note that any graphic can be enlarged by clicking on it. Dig.

Obama-care would require all employer supplied insurance plans to cover contraception. Some hollered that this was impeding their religious freedoms. Here is how I saw it:

Scott Walker survived his recall in Wisconsin. I wasn't prepared for that.

Gay marriage continues to steadily win over the heterosexual members of the populace as they realize it really doesn't affect them, and hell maybe it even helps...

The robo-calls were in full swing this election year. I got one asking me to vote for Mitt Romney. I wasn't rude. I just said, "Listen robot, I'm not gonna vote for that guy, I don't like him, but I totally appreciate you wanting to support your own kind."

We on the left prepared to fight like hell to keep Obama in the Whitehouse, so that we could get back to complaining about him...
Johnny Taylor was the guest writer of the Baby Killer comic if you missed that.

The GOP found someone to run against him who made it pretty damn easy to mobilize behind the less than perfect choice...
The best part of this joke was the response from Star Wars nerds arguing over who really blew up Alderaan.

The "Conservatives" got a bit radical as they saw the country slipping away, with secession petitions getting more news coverage than they deserved around the country...

Weed and Gay Marriage made great strides seemingly everywhere BUT in my home state. What the hell? We're California dammit! Weed and Gay is what we're known for! Texas Governor Rick Perry said that Texans who like weed and gay (aka Austin) should move to California! California not Iowa! Freakin' Iowa! How does Iowa beat US at Gay?!

When the GOP chose it's Chairmen, I think they thought chair was the Latin word for white. They sure got the men part right though...

Disney bought Star Wars, and I wrote a joke that 4 people got. Those 4 people really liked it a-lot.

Oh, and the world ended also. That was cool. Turns out the afterlife is a-lot like life. Big ups to the universe on continuity, this shit was seamless. I published this on 12/20 as people in the US got excited that crocodile people were still around.

The year closed out with an awful tragedy. The NRA took a week before responding in any way to the horrible school shooting in Connecticut. I don't know what they did during that week, but I'm guessing miniature golf or something other than thoughtfully crafting their response.

Another tragedy involving a child, guns, and the desire for an education took place earlier this year in Pakistan. This one had a happier ending though as Malala is alive, and still hitting the books! 

The best joke of 2012 certainly wasn't mine. That award goes to Newsweek. Not for the cover below, depicting a bat-shit crazy Michelle Bachmann, but rather for their response when criticized for using such an unflattering, hell unsettling, photo. They just published the whole photo shoot and said "Which one would you have used?" Well done Newsweek!
I hope you have enjoyed this quick peak back at a year that was pretty damn crazy. Here's to a progressive and productive 2013! If you'd like to see my comics and graphics when their fresh, and to catch the non-political ones as well, find me on twitter /keithlowell and Facebook, just search Keith Lowell Jensen, I have a personal and a fan page.Oh, and also check out The Beer Party on Facebook, they run my stuff frequently amidst lots of other liberal info-graphics.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

My 2012

My 2012 centered around watching my little girl race through her twos, bounding, leaping, spinning, singing and talking, talking, talking, lord how that kid can talk.

Maxine just blows me away with how bright she is, almost freakishly so. It feels like a huge responsibility having such a gifted kid. Her third birthday party went off perfectly. We had the Crest Theater all to ourselves for a screening of The Wizard of Oz for friends and family. Kids were up in front of the screen dancing and singing along. The best way to watch her favorite movie.
We celebrate towel day.

 Bryna, my wife, is still putting up with me. We just barely survived living together in a VW Bus for two months when we started this relationship back in another millennium. I think it was good practice for living with a kid and three or four careers between us. I get the incredible privilege of being able to chase my dreams thanks to her support, both emotional and practical. I love her so.

Career wise this year was the best yet. I am traveling which is my favorite thing, even though I miss my family. I visited Ohio, Missouri, Kansas, Nevada, Oregon, British Columbia, Tennessee, Texas, and I was all over California like a cheap suit. Had the amazing experience of someone in the airport asking me where I was going and answering honestly, "I don't know."

Performed at Skepticon, Reasonfest, Imagine No Religion II, Free Thought Day, The San Francisco Sketch Fest, Bridgetown Comedy Festival, The SHITS and Giggles Festival in Humboldt.

Hanging with Stanhope in San Jose
 I got to perform with Doug Stanhope at The Improv in San Jose for a packed house, had one of the best sets of my life and sold out of merchandise in the lobby afterward. That felt real good. Doug told me as I came off stage that he laughed more at my set than he had at any comic in a long time. That was the best part of all.

Cuddling with Robin Williams
I also got to work with Robin Williams a couple of more times which is still a huge thrill. This awesomeness courtesy of The Throckmorton theatre in Mill Valley. Robin is warm, friendly, and every bit as wonderful as my younger self wished Mork would be. When I walked into a restaurant and Robin stood and called me over to tell me that he really liked one of my jokes he'd seen on  youtube, holy shit! Coolest thing ever.

 I have had a friendly/mentoring correspondence with Dan Schlissel of Stand Up! Records for most of the past decade which finally culminated in our working together. Dan agreeing to release my third album on Stand Up! Records filled me with glee but the biggest thrill came when I sent a video of me performing the story that gives the album its title, Elf Orgy, to Wendy and Richard Pini, creators of Elf Quest, my favorite comic book. They loved the bit and have now designed the cover for the album. Yeah, this has been some amazing year.

Watch for this to drop in early 2013

But wait, there is more! The Coexist Comedy Tour documentary, at long last is finished and... well some stuff is happening. Stuff that will be huge news in my 2013 recap but that I'm not at liberty to discuss in detail quite yet. It'll suffice to say, you'll have plenty of opportunities to see the film in the coming year and it's fantastic.

SMOSH! Assassin's Creed video.
I also got to appear on How The States Got Their Shapes on the History Channel, and with far less reverence for history, I got to appear as a red coat in a SMOSH video which let me shoot an old lady and get shot by George Washington. This made me a hero of more than one of my nephews.

The News and Review treated me well as did their readers who voted me "Best Person to Make You Laugh". I was the N&R cover model for their Christmas issue. Luna's Comedy Night, my local weekly show in Sacramento continues to give me a great place to workshop and hang out with the great batch of comics and friends. I love this room and the people in it.

My sure thing joke this year, the one just killing every time and seeing me off stage with huge applause when I use it as my closer is a bit about a Catholic Priest coming to my door. I didn't write it. I almost never accept jokes from other people, but my little brother James wrote this one and it just kills too hard not to do it.

I tweeted "Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head and she doesn't die, how can you be so sure that God is on YOUR side." in response to the infuriating shooting of my young hero Malala in Pakistan, the girl who refuses to stop seeking an education. The tweet trended in India and was popular in Pakistan as well. I found myself with the rare opportunity to correspond with Pakistanis who are pro-Taliban and who are understandably distrustful of the US. Intimidating and amazing place to be.

I've got a cool new youtube project in the works being produced by Danielle Mandella, who you see pointing the camera at me and Doug Stanhope in the pic above. And watch for more collaborations with comic book artists because I do so love comics! Also looking forward to collaborating in the coming year with Johnny Taylor who I'll be touring with, and with Greta and Robin of Well Hung Heart who I'm working on a secret project with.

There were many other thrills, and too many great experiences with too many wonderful people to fit in one blog post. I love being a comedian. Here is hoping that in 2013 I do more comedy and less work that isn't comedy. Best wishes to you all. BIG thanks to the growing number of people showing love and enthusiasm for my work. Coming out to to shows, buying CDs and DVDs, sharing my posts on FB and my youtube videos, especially the super fans (Laura Kimball in the lead) who go above and beyond to help me make this thing happen. Quite honestly could NOT do it without you.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Lab Coat

I was an assistant manager at a PetCo.
The manager pretty much let me run the store while she locked herself in the office and ran her other business. She sold dog sperm. She had prize winning dogs and people around the globe would order sperm to impregnate their own dogs, hoping for more champions. There was a special place where she took the pooches for an "extraction".

This was great because she was an awful person (as are most people involved in dog shows) and being left alone was ok by me.

It was also terrifying because it assaulted me with the knowledge that someone, somewhere was jerking off dogs for a living.

I imagine this person wore a lab coat. I imagine they were seen by other people, out and about in their lab coat and admired, lab coats implying smarts rather than good wrists and a gentle touch.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Facebook Privacy

Responding to the ridiculous status updates everyone is doing on Facebook to "Protect their privacy and intellectual property".

Thursday, November 22, 2012


I had a lovely day with family. I'm full of food and now getting into a warm bed. Tomorrow I will enjoy my day off. Right now I'm thankful not to work in retail or to otherwise be forced to have anything to do with this Black Friday nonsense that is embarrassing to me as an American and as a member of the working class. I wish everyone would stay home, enjoying their families and their dignity, and allowing the retail workers to do the same.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Christmas Loving Atheist Cover Model

I am on the cover of The Sacramento News and Review this week. Thats pretty cool.

I have an article inside, but like most writers, I prefer my original to the edited version. So, here is said original. Enjoy:  

Merry Christmas.

You were just wished a Merry Christmas by an atheist.

This atheist LOVES Christmas. See a conflict? I do not. We atheists don't reject ALL of the bible. There are parts of the bible that I for one like quite a bit, like the part about going into the woods and choosing a tree to drag into your home and decorate in astrological symbols. Where in the bible is that again? Was that the gospel according to St. Nick?

My favorite Christmas tradition is when the rich folks go wild with the lights and decorations and then let us poor folks come look at their houses. My daughter saw a nativity on one of these viewings but baby Jesus hadn't been placed yet.

“Daddy, who are those two ladies and why is that nest empty?”

“Honey, thats Mary and Josephine and the nest is empty because its hard to find a white baby in the Middle East.”

I like celebrating with all of my friends and neighbors and since Sacramento is so wonderfully diverse that means celebrating all of the holidays, including a few we made up. Try Something New Day anyone? Diwalli is a great excuse to eat Indian food and watch some Bollywood. Ramadan is fun to celebrate. I skip the fasting all day part but I'm totally down for the nighttime food and visiting with family and friends. Hanukkah is when we sing along with Adam Sandler. Conspiracy theorists celebrate their new holiday, September 11th. I participate by watching a great documentary, like The Matrix.

Its now a holiday tradition to accuse us atheists and other non-Christians of trying to steal Christmas, you know, because we've forced the stores to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, at gun point if memory serves. Too bad we weren't as effective in trying to get their red, white and blue "We love a good war" decor down during the rest of the year. I caught wind of the story on the evening news. Amazing whats considered newsworthy. There's a war on for Chrissakes, oops, sorry, already mentioned the war, guess I'm being redundant.

Say Merry Christmas if you'd like. Nobody's stopping you. If a store says Happy Holidays, thereby wishing Christians a Merry Christmas, Jews a Happy Hanukkah, Muslims a solemn Ramadan, beautiful idealists a Happy Kwanza, and Hindus a festive Diwali in the most efficient way, how on earth could you find a problem with this? I'm much more concerned with Halloween being called Harvest Festival! WTF? No. Keep Satan in Halloween! Stop the war on Samhain!

I amuse myself by seeing how satisfied many Christians are with my wishing them Yuletide greetings. If you don't get this, you may want to research Yule. Yule be surprised. (I celebrate Bad Pun Day everyday.)

Rest assured, I will not insist that stores put up "Happy cold, noisy, crappy music, consumer-hell season!" to earn my business. I'll just assume that this is one of the sentiments they intended to cover when they say, Happy Holidays.

Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


Also amazing that the people who seem most keen on spreading "American democracy" around the globe, seem to have the least faith in it here at home.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Buy my new album the 1st week it comes out!

Amazing Album Art by Elf Quest creator Wendy Pini
So, here is the deal, my album will come out in early December. Exact date soon. I want it on Amazon and iTune's top comedy album charts the week it comes out.

Here is what I'm gonna do... Free Video! I have a 30 minute bootleg style video of me just fucking KILLING that was recorded a month or more after the album recording so it has lots of new bits not on the CD. If you buy the CD in the 1st week, I'm gonna give you a code to get that video online, streaming or download, for free.

 But wait, there's more! For every day that I'm in the top 5 on iTunes AND for every day I'm in the top 5 on Amazon in the comedy category, I will shave my mustache off for a whole month. This isn't limited to the first week either. If I chart for 8 days, no 'stache for 8 months. And just so we're clear, if I chart on iTunes for 3 days and Amazon for 4, that's 7 months of no 'stache.
Join the FB event page by clicking here!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

A Story About A Meme

"I hate the word homophobia. It is not a phobia. You're not afraid. You're an asshole" 

Many people think that Morgan Freeman said that. He didn't.

 Many people think that George Takei said that. He didn't either.

 Quite an impressive number of people think I said that. I didn't. Not quite. I said something a lot like it though on my album Cat's Made of Rabbits which was recorded in 2010 and released in 2011.

What I said, on a track called Adam and Eagle was: "...when someone wants to take other people's human rights or beat them up or otherwise act like dicks, stop saying their homophobic and letting them off the hook. I have no doubt they are afraid but that makes them sound like poor little scared bunnies. Poor guy, he's homophobic. No. He's an asshole."

In August 2012 the now infamous condensed version of it appeared on Facebook, posted by a popular page called The Beer Party. The description was very upfront about not knowing where the original quote came from:
From The Beer Party page on Facebook
Several people who were familiar with my comedy noticed the similarity and linked to my own FB page in the comments. A man name Todd Farally from The Beer Party contacted me and after we discussed my original comment and the graphic, which his wife Ardra Farrally created, he said "Very nice, and funny! It isn't exactly the same, but we can certainly say you inspired it." Well that was nice. He seems like a really good guy and I hope I get to hang out with him when I make it to Philly next. The graphic he'd posted was going viral. So... I decided it was time to get my own out there. I called my friend, comedian Eric Cash, and asked if he'd put together a graphic for me with quote. He did a beautiful job.
Graphic by Eric Cash
And, it went viral, as viral as anything I've been involved with anyway. It was shared many thousands of times. When Turner Sparks, a comedian friend who lives in China, wrote to tell me that he first saw Cash's graphic when other friends of his in China, friends who had never heard of me, were posting it, well, I was a little blown away. Then came Takei.

George Takei seems like a cool, funny, and driven kind of guy. I have come to really dislike the way he shares on Facebook. He doesn't just hit "Share" when sees a graphic, which would allow the original poster to be credited and linked back to. Instead he often reposts things saying "From a fan" or "Shared on my wall" or worse yet, he links completely un-credited and many people believe that he is actually generating most of the huge amount of content on his page himself. It is unfortunate. When you're a lesser known comic, writer, whatever, having a nod from someone like Takei could be a real boon. He has a huge presence on Facebook. Instead, I read tons of comments from people praising Takei for his cleverness. Takei posted the graphic from The Beer Party, giving neither them nor me credit. IN the comments section, along with the usual "Oh George, you're so clever" were also many, many, comments from my friends and fans, a really touching and impressive number in fact, stating that the quote had come from me, which it had, sort of.

 Next up, Fake Morgan Freeman.
This account on Twitter, with Mr. Freeman's first name spelled wrong, made Takei's post look like nothing. It exploded across the internet, both on twitter and a screen capture of the twitter post on Facebook, to the point that there is a Snopes page confirming that Freeman did not in fact make that statement. I am not mentioned on snopes.

 I was already writing very polite letter's to Takei asking if he might give me a nod, but now with the Freeman thing kicking into high gear. I was starting to feel like just giving up. Not that I wasn't having fun, I was and while I would have loved to have gotten as much credit for my jokes as others seemed to be getting for my joke, I was getting more than I had previously and I did appreciate that.

 My friends and fans did not give up. Wherever they saw the quote attributed to Freeman or to Takei they posted a link to me. They also started to have a lot of fun making new graphics:
Graphic by Adam Brown
by Jeremy Jay Chaney 
So much inside joke in this one. Needless to say, I didn't say any of that.
Graphic by friend and world renowned prankster John Marcotte
Um... I said some of that. By Tom Hutchison aka Tom Knockoff
Sure, yeah, I said that. That ones all me. Graphic by Robert Berry of
Christopher Earl did this one. 

Heh heh. Probably my best known joke prior to this debacle.
Thanks to Derek Byrne, I think.
And eventually, I got a surprise. George Takei didn't reply to my emails or Facebook messages, but when he decided to put the quote, altered slightly, on a t-shirt, he credited me.

Many fans asked that I make a T-shirt out of the earlier Homophobia post. 

I added a bit of my own take on it--I hope you approve, and don't take life too seriously. 

 Get it at 

 Original concept: Comedian Keith Lowell Jensen, Sacramento CA 
Proceeds benefit my show "Allegiance." Thanks! 

 He decides to put it on a shirt, and to give me credit, but of course can't be bothered to drop me a line. I find out about it only when people start posting this on my Facebook wall. Had he said, "Hey Keith, I agree the line is way similar to yours and I'd like to credit you. What do you think of my putting it on a shirt and not giving you a dime because I'd like to use the money for a show I'm working on?" I'd have said, "FUCK YEAH GEORGE! That's awesome. Thanks for the props! Got a part for me in the show? No. Oh, okay, but again, thanks."  That's not what happened. I wrote him a thank you note anyway and told him that I'm a big fan of his activism, which I am.

On August 16th fake Morgan Freeman gave me credit on twitter, both re-tweeting my post asking him to do so, and tweeting on his own to say that I'd said it, and that I was funny. I doubled my followers over the next week. Fake Morgan Freeman seems to have since removed this retweet and tweet. While researching for this blog entry I saw he'd posted a Jack Black quote. Didn't give Jack credit.

Creative people trying to find a way to make a living off of their ideas have always had the risk of having their material taken from them by bigger, better known creative people. The internet increases the chances of it happening to a lesser known comic like myself but it also increases the chances of a grass roots campaign helping someone like me get at least some of the credit for their quote if it goes viral. And it may help you get credit from whoever stole, borrowed, carelessly shared it as well which can be pretty cool. So all in all, this was a great experience. I had a lot of fun, and my comedy is reaching lots of new folks. The Morgan Freeman attribution continues to spread, though the pace seems to be slowing.

During the Republican National Convention, American Idol winner Clay Aiken tweeted a comment taken almost directly from me, with a bit of Mormon bashing added for good measure. Oh well. He can have it.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Google, Googlee, Goo!

I got a robocall, which I hate. "DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE FRONT PAGE OF GOOGLE?" I pressed 1, and when a human answered I went, "Googleegoogleegoo" in a funny voice. He says, "YES!" I say, "GOOGLE?" He says, "You want to be on the front page of Google?" I say, "Ahhhh, Gooooooogle!!!" Then it gets fun. Dude starts playing along. "YAHOO!" "GOOGLE!" "YAHOO!" "GOOOOGLE GOOOOGLE!" "YAHOOO YAHOOO YAHOOO YAHOOOO!" We have this huge fake fight yelling google and yahoo at each other. He laughs and says "Alright boss, you have a good weekend." I say, "Yeah, you too." I wish I had it in my power to give that guy a raise.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Mourning Sean Martin

Sean Martin wanted to do it all, and he did quite a bit of it in a very short time.

 We met when he invited me to perform comedy at a benefit show where his band was playing. At the gig, which he also produced, he started asking me about stand up comedy. Next thing I knew he'd become a regular at Luna's, a weekly comedy night here in Sacramento, getting quite good quite quickly.

 Then he started sending me drawings and scripts and essays, partially as invitations to collaborate and partially to let me know what distractions were keeping him from stand up. All the while cancer and chemo were batting him around. He liked talking about his disease and treatment onstage, which is good, because he had to. As soon as he took the mic people were distracted by how thin and gaunt he was. He put them at ease with his illness, but didn't spare them the dark places in his jokes and stories.

I just found out Sean is gone. I feel bad for the times when his energy was too much, even for spastic me. Yeah, in the middle of dealing with this horrid disease and it's brutal treatment, he still had more energy and drive than anyone I can think of. I'll miss him. It was mighty kind of him to leave so much behind for us to remember him by.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Libya, Islam, and Christopher Stevens

Click here for more photos
I will politely and respectfully continue to say that I think Islam and all religion is completely and totally wrong and is harmful to us all. Making that point as strongly and as eloquently as possible is blasphemous enough. I will not be provoked into acting like an upset child, name calling and throwing tantrums. I will continue to be friends with many beautiful, peaceful religious people even as I believe they are wrong, even as I hope that they will let go of beliefs that I see as irrational. I mourn with Libya as they have lost a great ally, a man whose name most of us didn't know before he died but who many, maybe even most, Libyans knew, appreciated and admired. I continue to wish the best for the revolution and I hope that they are able to beat the odds and gain stability.

Friday, September 7, 2012

White Power Clowns On The Beach

True story. Once, while working as an emcee for Spike and Mike's Festival of Animation, I came across a down and out, and quite hung over, clown making balloon animals on the beach. I asked him if he could do dirty balloon animals. He said "Hell yeah!" and made me a teddy bear with large penis. So I brought him to the show that night where he happily made dick bears for an appreciative crowd.

At the end of the night, with a tear in his eye, he told me he'd made enough in tips to get his swastika tattoo covered with a tattoo of a hobo clown.

Thursday, August 9, 2012


Fellow comedian and good friend Eric Cash made this for me.
Its blowin' up! Yay.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Penn Jillette Replies

I posted about a joke of mine appearing in Penn Jilette's book. See that post here: Penn Jillette and My Knock Knock Joke
As you can see in the graphic above Penn replied and was cool as could be about the whole thing. He sent a second tweet saying he was really sorry. I'm good. One of the folks I respect and look up to proved worthy of that respect. Yay.

Penn Jilette and My Knock Knock Joke

UPDATE: Penn Jillette replied to this post. Go here for update: Penn Jillette Replies

Yesterday my friend Simone texted me this graphic, a photo taken of her Kindle.
She wrote "Have you seen this in Penn Jilette's "God No!"? Did you write that joke?"

Well, yeah. I did write that joke. And since I perform regularly at atheist events, conventions, etc. it concerns me that people within that community might think I stole it.

Here is a clip of me telling that joke in 2007.

It became a regular part of my set as I performed with The Coexist? Comedy Tour:

So did Penn Jilette steal the joke from me? I'd like to think no. I know it happens that people come up with the same joke. It happens all the time in fact. The wording is so similar though, from the "Oh, I'm sorry" right up to "When you're trying to relax." Could someone have claimed they wrote it and sold or gave it to Penn? I suppose its also possible that the joke has just circulated around and has become one of those standards which you assume you'll never know who wrote. That is certainly the case with most of the knock knock jokes I've heard over the years, like the brilliant Interrupting Cow for instance.

I've been a Penn and Teller fan for longer than I've been an atheist, and though I've disagreed with Penn on many things (him being a libertarian for one) he has always seemed to conduct himself with integrity and honesty and so, I will hold out hope that there is a reasonable explanation. I'm not trying to stir the pot, but like I said, I find it necessary to say that I did not steal the joke. I am also flattered. I know I wrote the joke, and now I know that Penn Jilette thinks its a good knock knock joke. So, I wrote a good knock knock joke, which is hard to do as it often feels like every knock knock joke has already been written. For now I will retire the joke. I have plenty of others.

Lastly, these are really old clips. I've gotten much better. Visit my youtube page here:

UPDATE: Penn Jillette replied to this post. Go here for update: Penn Jillette Replies