Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Homosexuals and runny eggs

Funny exchange from the comments section on one of my youtube videos:

Although being an Atheist, I am homophobic. I just feel disgusted every time I see two men kissing.

@L33tmoaf There is nothing wrong with having a phobia. You are free to feel disgusted, as I am when I see runny eggs. It's when I start trying to stop others from enjoying runny eggs or telling lovers of runny eggs they can't get married that it becomes a problem.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Working On My Racism

So I've been working on my racism.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy being anti-racist, as I've been all my life but I realize that it's easy to not be a racist in our times of relative calm and stability (calm and stable where I live at least.) When/if the shit hits the fan people will factionalize right quick and those of us who were raised without being taught proper racist etiquette are gonna be screwed. We won't know what we're doing. I don't want to be caught off guard so I'm working on my racism now.

My racist heroes are my older relatives. They're so racist, they're even racist against other white people. "Oooh I hate those Irish Mick Bastards!" "Um... what are we Uncle Eddy?" "We're Scott-Irish." "Oh, okay. Screw them non-Scott Irish Bastards!" As a kid I told Uncle Eddy that it seemed to me Scott-Irish just meant Irish who decided they didn't like Ireland so they switched sides and became Scottish to which Uncle Eddy replied "Oh, ya want ta be Irish do ya? Ya better find yourself another fookin' uncle." That's awesome. He has a green belt in racism.

I don't want to jump the gun and start being racist before it's time but how do I practice? I've started with Lord of The Rings Racism. Oooh I hate them bastard Orcs. The Elfs are okay I suppose but I don't trust 'em. Hobbits, oh I've no use for the men, but Hobbit chicks are hot. So petite, and they look twenty for like twenty years! But a lot of Hobbit chicks date Orcs. Oh that makes me sick to see a hot Hobbit chick with one of them big, sleek, sexy, dangerous looking Orc bastards!!!!" Anyone else getting uncomfortable?

I hope nobody Trolls this post. (See that? Subtle yes?)

Friday, June 24, 2011

And eat it too...

Cake, one of my favorite bands, is from Sacramento, just like me and they've come to have a special significance in my life.

I worked with front man John McCrea and original bass player Shon Meckfessel at Greta's Cafe. My girlfriend actually left me and went on a roadtrip with Shon across the states and Europe. At least I get left big. World travel with a rockstar! Shit, I'd leave me too. She left me, Shon left cake. He was replaced by Gabe Nelson, another friend of mine who worked across the street from Greta's. And everyone in Sacramento knows and loves Vince their horn player.

I'm superstitious. I know, I know, a skeptic isn't supposed to be. It's not voluntary and on an intellectual level I resist it, but I can't help it. I'm only human, not that superstition is limited to humans. I'm only pigeon would work just as well if I could manage to grow some wings.

When I was miserably working away as an assistant manager at Petco, Cake would come on the overhead speakers. That was humbling. The guy I used to talk music with while washing dishes was now being played over the speakers while I wore a nametag by day and scrambled to get a few minutes of stage time here and there by night. He'd gone up and I'd taken a step down. It made it hard for me to enjoy listening to them for awhile. I felt frustrated with where I was compared to my old friends and then I felt bad for feeling anything but happiness for their success. I saw firsthand how hard they'd worked for it.

The first time I got to play the Improv in Hollywood, guess what our walk on music was? Yep, the sound man was a huge Cake fan, and their music never sounded as sweet as it did on that sound system in that packed room for a show that I produced and performed in. Ever since then, they've followed me. I'll be walking to a gig and a parked car will be blaring Cake with the windows rolled down. It seems every time I make a forward stride Cake is there to say "Good going Keith." Wow, Thanks Cake. You too. Hope to see you around. Oh, and hey, if you ever want to take a comic on the road... I know one. Um... I should probably add, I'm better at telling jokes than I was at doing dishes.

My Bucket List

Does it make me more of a pervert or just more honest that most of the items on my bucket list involve my penis?

  1. Make sure not to hurt penis while sky diving.
  2. Make sure not to hurt penis while racing motorcycles. 
  3. Make sure not to hurt penis while doing lots of weird kinky stuff with penis, some of which may hurt penis.
  4. Have sex with bucket, using my penis.
  5. Visit the Louvre. (I said most.)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

How the pee couch got it's name

ME: Dude, your girlfriend just pissed herself.
Other Comic: What?! No she didn't. She just spilled her beer.
ME: Through her urethra.

Tired of Telling Doctors What I Do For a Living

Dr: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a nightclub performer.
Dr: Oh yeah. You sing?
Me: No.
Dr: You're a comedian?
Me: No. I go to leather bars and nail my dick to a table for tips.
Dr: ... Your penis doesn't have any scars.
Me: You know magic isn't real right?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Steve O shows postponed

I was saddened to hear of Ryan Dunn's death this morning.
Not at all surprised to hear that the shows with Steve O at Sacramento Punch Line will be rescheduled. I was pretty sure it would be too much for him to go onstage and clown around this week. It sucks to lose a friend. I'll look forward to working with Steve O down the road.
I'll post the new dates as soon as they are locked down.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I REALLY like Louis CK

Me: NO, you didn't catch me masturbating to Maxim Mag's 100 Hottest Women. I was reading the Louis CK interview.

Wife: Then why is there lotion?

Me: ... I was masturbating to the Louis CK interview!

(For the record, this conversation never actually happened, but it could've.)
(Also for the record Nikki Minaj and Christina Hendricks were both WAY too low on Maxim's list.)
(Oh, and I honestly don't know why Maxim comes to my house. I didn't subscribe and I find it insulting to the intelligence but I can't resist glossy pictures of pretty ladies or interviews with awesome comedians.)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Management at last?

Her: So, you live in LA?
Me: No, I just say that on facebook while I shop for managers so they think I live in LA.... oh wait... you're a manager aren't you?
Her: Yes
Me: Yeah. I live in LA.

The above is a real conversation I had with a talent manager who saw me perform in Portland at The Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Yeah, I'm a moron, but apparently a funny one, in the opinion of this manager at any rate. We have a handshake deal but I'll avoid sharing any specifics until we've put a deal on paper. She's smart and friendly and is co-owner of a very cool small management company that has quite an impressive client list, one I will be very flattered to be included on. More news soon. YAY!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Kirk Cameron, Super Genius

Studies have shown that the higher your IQ the better you're likely to be at estimating your own IQ. So, if you have say, an IQ of 115, you might say "Well, I'm fairly smart but I'm no Stephen Hawking" whereas, if you're a former Growing Pains actor you're more likely to say "Hawking ain't so bright."

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Francois Fly

It's funny to me to see the comedian I've become and how different it is from the kind of comedian I thought I'd be. My heroes were Andy Kaufman, The Unknown Comic, Steve Martin and Emo Philips. I'm now a semi-political, story telling comic. What was I back in the early days? A human fly comic...

Believe it or not it was this very tape that got me my first professional booking, a week at Laughs Unlimited. The headliner, who I'm very sorry to say I've forgotten the name of, was a black guy and when he walked into the green room and saw me with my old grey tux jacket and black make up on my face he said "OH HELL NO!" and turned and walked out of the room, pissed. I guess he was on his way to have me fired. I
The first Darin Wood Logo which 
went on some t-shirts
caught up with him, threw the strainers on my head and said, "Francois Fly at your service!"
He paused. Took a breath, realized they hadn't hired someone in black face as his opener and said "Alright. Whatever." He still wasn't happy about having a costume act opening for him. At one point he said "How about that opener eh? Be cool, The Kings used to suck too." Ouch!

I struggled through most every night of my first week as a paid comic. Mainstream crowds just weren't into this kind of silliness. I always had at least two or three people at each show who would just go ape shit for Francois though. They'd seek me out and pump my hand and tell me how funny it was and how stupid the rest of the audience was.

I rolled with it. I remember at one show this woman was giving me a vicious stink eye through my whole set. I dropped to my knees in front of her, apologized, handed her a rolled up newspaper and offered to let her swat me. Not even a hint of a smile but the rest of the crowd loved it.

The enthusiasm of folks who got it was very encouraging. I remember my friend Patrick advising me not to over-do it as he was sure this was my ticket in. This character got me an audition and then acceptance to The Velvet Hammer burlesque show, unfortunately it was right as the show was imploding. I got to do a taping with one of my childhood heroes, Dr. Demento for an experiment in on-line "television" called UHF after the Weird Al cult classic. And I got to be on national TV as part of Last Comic Standing.

"Puke Splatter" at Trash Film Orgy.
Photo by Bob Herron
I got a call from an agent who said he needed "unique acts" for the show. Yeah, all the freaks that turn out for those auditions on "reality" based shows like Last Comic Standing or American Idol, that doesn't just happen on accident. I got to skip the long line on the sidewalk, I got to skip the pre-audition, though I did get to witness some of these table auditions and it was amazing. Six hopefuls crowded around a table each with one minute to make an impression. I saw some gawd-awful comedy.
Logo by Darin Wood
I ran into some friends backstage, professional comics who also got the invite to skip the tables. I had my audition. French Stewart said he really wanted to advance me. I said "Then Do It!" but he didn't. It was great fun. I was happy to fill my role. On the way out I ran into the agent and he was really happy with me. I told him I would happily go back in and audition as just me. I thought that would be a blast to have the same person auditioning as two different people. He agreed and started trying to make it happen. Three people told him there wasn't time before he finally gave in and said "Sorry, there isn't time." I told him that was fine and I drove back from San Francisco laughing to myself about my crazy life as a human fly. Sure enough a clip of Francois did indeed make it onto the air. That crazy fly got a TV credit before I did.

David Zed
As Francois, I got to be friends with some other costumed comedians via the internet including Zed The Robot Comedian From The Future, a very funny comic based in Rome. Well, my wife and I went to Rome for our honeymoon. I called Zed up and he and his wife and their two charming daughters had us over for dinner. Zed was on his way to pick us up from the train station when it dawned on me. I wasn't dressed like a fly and he wasn't likely to be dressed as a robot. I had to call him and tell him what I was wearing so we could find each other. Luckily I was the only man in Italy in red pants with green and yellow shoes.

Shmoozin' and boozin' with Dino and Frank.
Photoshop by Nick Roberts.
Francois continued to evade many. A very rude comic "headlining" a crappy open mic, talked a bunch of shit on me onstage in the middle of a set where he himself was clearly bombing. He then took a phone call during his set, not as a joke but for real. He told the audience "It's my agent. I gotta take this." The woman who ran the open mic then told me that what I did didn't count as stand up. "It's sketch" she said "and you shouldn't do it at stand up venues." She was fine with the dude answering his phone and not actually having any jokes but what I did wasn't stand up. Rad.

My favorite Francois Fly story was when I was invited
I gave this doll to the Velvet Hammer instead of a
head shot. Damn, I wish I still had it.
 to perform in a dumpster in San Francisco as part of Popcorn Anti-Theatre, a show that involved a bus full of audience members going site to site. They stopped under the Golden Gate Bridge and were surprised to be gathered around a dumpster. I popped up out of the dumpster. I had a nice spot light on me, a microphone and a PA, it was a very professional set up for being in a dumpster. It wasn't a prop dumpster either. It was a dumpster with real garbage in it, I mean aside from me. The crowd had a blast and then I hopped out and joined them. A very attractive girl named Lu-Lu took my arm and she was quite flirty and quite drunk. When we got back on the bus I slipped to the back, squeezed into the tiny bathroom and turned back into Keith Lowell Jensen, human being. I made my way back up the aisle and as I passed my inebriated and infatuated friend who was watching for Francois, I said "Hello Lu-Lu." She looked at me, sized me up as a loser who shouldn't be
Another fine logo by Darin Wood for a
Trash Film Orgy flyer
talking to her, and went back to watching for that adorable fly without even returning my hello. It was official. I was less sexy than a dumpster perusing x-maggot.

Francois was the original host of The Trash Film Orgy, a yearly midnight movie festival I started with some friends. The festival continues without me and without Francois but he turns up there every so often, usually to be killed dead by Sid, the Evil Crest Manager. I've always planned to do more with Francois and I will. He's a very fun character to play. So full of swagger and ego. I watch clips like the one above and it's actually hard to believe it's me. I don't think I could be that bold without the strainers and make up.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Three Little Pigs

The other two little pigs said "Bricks! You're crazy. There is no scientific consensus to support the crackpot, leftist conspiracy theory that the so called 'big bad' wolf actually eats pigs. You're being duped by the govt. and the brick industry's lobbyists while hurting the straw and stick industries."

And after their houses are blown down and they accept their brothers generous offer to house them while they rebuild, "Houses fall down naturally all the time. There's no reason to believe some 'big bad' wolf did it."