Monday, July 30, 2007

You're Hotter Than Your Boyfriend

Yep. "You're hotter than your boyfriend." That's what a car-load of girls yelled to Bryna as she walked down the street holding my hand. I felt they complimented us both.
I wish I'd have been quicker on my feet. They were already gone before I thought to yell, "Yeah, and I don't even make a-lot of money."

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Gold Club Centerfolds = BIG RIP OFF! ! !

I went there for my buddy's bachelor party. We got talked into a "Silver, bachelor party package for $200. This would include three dances for said buddy, in private, and a "shower show." Fast talk, and one dude who sort of crashed our party giving it the hard sale, and us idiots bought it, BUT we still had to pay $15 each to get in. And the ATM machine, provided for our convenience had a service fee. A SIX DOLLAR SERVICE FEE! What the hell? So buddy gets his private dance. He's pretty pleased with that, but we've also been feeding him booze all night. He had fun, cool, all is happy. The shower show, which we paid pretty big money for is two girls in a shower, haranguing us for cash. Everything they did they required more money for. And they'd really hard sell it.
The shower show was also given while the feature was on stage, so you get one or the other. We chose wrong. The shower show was stupid. We paid to be panhandled by naked chicks.

So that's where we got hosed. Now lets talk about where we got outright stolen from.

It turns out one of the guys in our group paid with a hundred dollar bill. He watches the cashier put his hundred dollar bill under the $20 in the register. She then gives him change for a twenty. He says "Hey, I gave you a hundred." She says, "No, you gave me a twenty. Guys try to do this to me all the time." Like many guys in that environment he was feeling like he couldn't speak up and say he'd been had. I hope he changes his mind and calls them tomorrow.

Some of the dancers were extremely attractive and put on a good sexy show. The only thing the cheap, cheesy dive has going for it.

The dude that sold us the "Silver Package" is outside when we come out, waiting for the next sucker. He sees us. Does he ask how we like everything? Does he check in to see if we were pleased with our purchase, proud to have given us such a good time? No. He avoids eye contact. he knows he scammed us. And he knows we know.

To hell with that place. I'm no stranger to strip clubs. This was the sleaziest, tackiest crap I've seen. If you're having a bachelor party and you want a strip club, go elsewhere. Why doesn't someone open up a cool burlesque room in Sacramento? Hell, why don't I?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Simpsons Movie is Good, Real Good

Yeah, it's really good. I know, not much of a review, but I'm overwhelmed with feelings of relief. The Simpsons didn't renew my faith in television as I've always loved the tube, from Sesame Street to The Gong Show to Get Smart, but The Simpsons justified that love. Now the fools would have to listen when I argued that TV was indeed high art. It's been painful these last few years, watching the show's slow decline, but I keep watching and it's still worth it. The shows sunken from it's old glory but it's still better than most of what's out there and it still has it's golden moments. I am watching my dear friend grow old, and as sad as that may be, I wouldn't trade a minute of it (except those minutes where it feels like they cut up old episodes and re-assembled them to make a new one.)

I'd resigned myself to the inevitable, but then the movie was announced. My god, it could be a cure for old age! A cure for Death! I was ecstatic. But then I was scared. "What if it doesn't work?" I thought. "It could be the bullet that speeds The Simpsons to it's demise." And so I've waited, anxiously, excitedly, then anxiously again. When at last the premiers were announced I called my friend who manages a theater (thanks for trying Sid at The Crest), I called my friend who has press credentials (thanks Robert at and after threatening their lives and promising them sexual favors (or promising them a complete lack thereof) I found myself on the list. I would see The Simpsons the night before it's opening. It would, for better or worse, be over at last.

And it was good. It was really good. I don't want to ruin a single one of the gags that are hurled at the audience at breakneck speeds, so that's all you get; it's good, even when compared to the show, and you should go see it, and who knows, it may just breath new life into the series which has indeed bounced back before.

Come See My Film Tomorrow (Friday)

Friday July 27
7:00 PM, $5

Why Lie? I Need A Drink
Advance rough cut screening of the new documentary from Sacramento's Keith Lowell Jensen!

Fools Foundation - 1025 19th St, Sacramento
off of K between 19th & 20th by Old Spag Factory

Monday, July 23, 2007

Two Radio Appearances

HEY, have you come here from INSIGHT? Lookin' for the Panhandling action? CLICK HERE to visit

Two radio appearances to discuss my documentary "Why Lie? I Need A Drink"

1st off, my KXJZ interview got moved up a day. Instead of the 24th, I'll be on TODAY, the 23rd.
I'll be on Insight with Jeffrey Callison sometime between 2pm and 3pm. I always have a great time on Insight. Jeffrey's a blast.
You can listen on 90.9 fm in Sacramento or online HERE.
If you're reading this and July 24th, 2008 is ancient history you should be able to listen HERE.

On Friday I'll appear on The Christine Craft Show on KSAC, 1240 AM at 2pm. I'm really looking forward to this. Years ago, Craft recieved national attention when she sued a TV news station that fired her for being "too old, to ugly, not defferential to men." I have a-lot of admiration for this former competitive surfer, newscaster and scrapper. I look forward to her show.

Pink Horn Player


Friday, July 13, 2007

Funny Comedy Shows Ha Ha

I got no time for blogging, sheesh, I got Too MANY SHOWS! ! !

Please come show me love, as I'm workin' way too hard. Here's a list:

July 18th
Sacramento Area Music Awards; Sammies
At The Crest. I host with my friend Ben Miller. I'll be wearing a bad tux.

July 20th and 21st. 7 and 9pm both nights.
Ten West
@ The Geery (22nd and L)
I'm the opening act. It's the premier of my One Man Sketch Comedy Show In A Box. And Ten West is amazing, but don't take my word for it. Check out the slobbering praise from the critics at
Buy tix @

July 27th. 7pm, Fool's Foundation
Why Lie I Need A Drink
It's a rough cut screening in a cool small venue. Help us make our documentary rule even more by attending and giving feedback. We've been working on this monstrosity for two years. For more information see

August 10 and 11th, 8 and 10pm both nights
Coexist? Comedy Tour
world premier
This is awesome. A Christian, a Muslim, a Hindu, and atheist and a Jew all doing stand up comedy together. And they're all really funny, even me.
Tix available soon from

I'm also putting together
Sacramento All Sketch
It's about time our town had a sketch comedy festival of it's own. But this aint happening until February. More information at

Thanks. Hope to see you, and if you can't make it just send money.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Whats it take to get impeached?

You can start a war on false pretenses, when you're caught you can change the rational behind the war nevermind that it's already begun.

You can ignore the majority of congress and the country, even when your own party starts realizing how badly you've botched things up.

You can spend crucial years claiming that global warming is not an issue and then you can completely change your tune and say that it's a top priority without ever explaining why you denied it's importance for so long.

You can refuse to co-operate with investigations, even ignoring subpenoes issued by the courts.

Your administration can be associated with every catastrophe from Enron to the mishandling of Katrina.

Your veep's former employer can get insane no-bid contracts in Iraq.

Your Secretary of State can be a former employee of big oil

You can be majorly invested in big oil.

You can out an undercover operative and then commute the sentence of the one member of your administration who is actually held accountable.

You can be the most mush mouthed, bumbling idiot ever to disgrace the office.

You can hide out the Vietnam draft in the most cowardly fashion and then make your opponent look like the coward when he's a decorated veteran.

You can, and this one really gets me, refuse to testify before the 9-11 commission without your veep sitting next to you? What the hell was that?

These are great times for being president. You can get away with anything. Just how much can you get away with? Well, it seems we'll find out, as George is determined to push it as far as it will go. I predict impeachment. Not based strictly on his deeds but also on his brazen disregard for congress and the American people.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Sunday Morning

I woke up at a girlfriend's house, only she wasn't a girlfriend anymore, though I was desperately hoping that she would be again. And it wasn't actually her house. She was renting a room from a friend's mom, the same friend she'd gone to Europe with and fallen in love and lust with and done it in such a romantic, frantic, exciting situation that I didn't feel I could possibly compete.

There I was, waking up in her bed, which used to be his bed, in his childhood room full of his records. I wasn't there because things had gone well with her the night before. I was there because I smoked some weed with my employer and it put me on my ass, gave me the spins, made me want desperately to be unconscious. She let me crash at her place out of sympathy and probably with some annoyance.

I felt better in the morning. She woke me up as she headed out to work, told me to stay as long as I wanted and to lock the door behind me when I left. She hugged me, and planted a small kiss on my lips.

The sun was coming in the windows in storybook fashion and it felt like a new day in every way imaginable. I flipped through his records and came across an album with Andy Warhol's signature and an image of a banana on the otherwise blank, white cover.

I put the record on the turntable and the first sparse notes, played on a xylophone grabbed my attention as Sunday Morning came on. I sat and listened to the perfect song for that surprisingly perfect morning. I made a note to check out more of this album later, but for now I wanted this song to be the soundtrack for my day. I walked to the bus stop, enjoying the sun on my face and feeling very much alive.

More pointless true stories here.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Super discount oil, all you can eat...

The oil companies are in jeopardy. Technology is moving at a fast clip toward non-fossil fuel driven cars, and the public has more reasons than ever to be attracted toward these new ideas as war, global warming and stupid Hollywood sequels are all blamed on our dependence on oil. In fact, we almost always refer now to foreign oil, and foreign aint never a good thing, right?

So why now, of all times would the money people in the crude game be gouging us at the pumps? Now is the time to make gas the affordable alternative. They know only too well that we, the public, will find a way to love whatever is cheapest and most convenient. But instead they push us into the arms of another by making gas an increasingly impractical option.

My theory, and you knew I'd have one; they know something we don't. They're going for broke while the getting is good because they know there are no long term prospects.

So what do they know? Which of the emerging technologies are they barely able to keep us from realizing is far superior and sure to replace their stinky product? Is it hydrogen? Solar? A new electric engine? Some combination of all of the above? We don't need a leaked memo, though it would be nice. We just need to do a little research to see where these big money folks are investing the dollars they take from us at the pump. I'm sure it could be researched easily enough, but I don't do research. What do you think I am? Some kind of journalist? No, I guess that's not a mistake that'd be made.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Sid Sings; MyTV

Performed by Sid Garcia Heberger as part of I Can't Believe It's Not Comedy
Opening for The Cody Rivers Show @ The Geery in Sacramento, CA
Lyrics: Keith Lowell Jensen
Music: Simon Ennis, Keith Lowell Jensen
Choreography: TV