Friday, June 30, 2006

Rodney Mullen

The Greatest Skater In The World.

Feeling weird

I'm so full of nostalgia. I'm always like this when the weather shifts, but more so because I'm writing so much about my past with All My Kisses.
I miss many the people I'm writing about, most of whom I've kept in touch with, but a letter once in a while or the occasional phone call just isn't the same as having someone really involved in your life.
Mostly this story is the love story of Bryna and I. She comes into the story long before we become a couple and she was such a great friend for so long before we gave up and accepted that we couldn't keep from kissing each other. So writing about the events leading up to this has me wanting to quit writing so I can go kiss her and go camping with her and maybe trade stories with her about our past, as a couple and as inviduals.
It's weird walking around town in this state. I just feel hyper sensitive and it's a good thing mostly. I do realize there are some things in my current life I'm not satisfied with. Not enough travelling for one. That's probably the biggest one.
Well, that's all. If you're reading All My Kisses, I'd love to hear from you. I really appreciate feedback.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


It was a great trip. I spent the first night at a campground, but a very Souther California campground. A bunch of tents and trailers crowded together like a trailer park, the lake a good mile away and mostly ignore. Weird. My nephew Micheal and I walked down to the water and we were the only ones there, then as the sun sets a truck drives by with a little squak box on top and tells us it's now time to go back to our camp, the lake closes at sund down. And people pay for this!
My brother bought a new tents camper and it was great but even more surreal. Air conditioning, video games, HI-larrious. I had a good time. When it was good and dark I grabbed Riley and Michael and their buddy Jerod and we went on a younger siblings walk to the playground. Kids like being able to play when it's dark out.
The bathrooms were pretty gross. I had weird interactions there. First; I was waiting for a dude to finsish with the little stall. As he walks by me he says, "Ha, waiting in line for the bathroom!" What the hell else was I gonna do? Sit on his lap?
The next morning the guy in the stall next to me was dying. I could hear bad things happening as he struggled with, um, the loose bowells. I got back to camp and my brother says, "Is that guys till in there?" He'd apparently been there for most of the morning. I'm on a special, very restrictive diet for my own digestive health and hearing that dude suffer helped me to stick to it.

Day two, after packing up camp we headed to Edward's house. I was happy to see Bryna again. The camping was boys only. We camped, so what did the girls do? Party? Drink? Play cards? No, they cleaned and got the house ready for the party. What a rip off. I decided that us guys owe them a party now, with strippers and everything.
The party was my brother John's birthday 40th party and a reunion of sorts since he and his family have been in Australia for the past 2 years. My nieces have grown so much. They're young women now. Young women with a dad who can scare all the boys into behaving. (John't the former Ultimate Fighter). Brett showed up with his lizards and did a show at the party. Brett RULES.

Bryna headed back to Sac with my nieces and my brother on Sunday night. I spent another night away from my sweetie. I drove most of the way home with John, Raquel (my sister in law) and my mom on Monday. Soooo good to sleep in my own bed, with my sweetie.
Now, I'm back at work.
My Sea Monkeys are looking good. Getting big. I'll get video up soon.

I came home to a nice ten dollar donation from Jody, who liked my Jobs blog. Thanks Jody. Made my day.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Sponge Bob Death Metal

I'm takin' off for the weekend to see my brothers and nephews and nieces, all of 'em. My brother John is back from Australia for a visit so it'll be great to all be together.
My Sea Monkey's look great, but I worry about them in the office over the weekend without air conditioning, but I bet it doesn't get too hot in there. I hope.

Oh, and one more thing...
This rules

Nascar Drive-Thru

I put up a new post on a fun prank that I got to be involved in. Read it HERE.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

More on Sea Monkeys

UPDATE: I decided I had enough to say about Sea Monkeys to give them a blog of their own. Please visit

Good News: The Sea Monkey tank at work is rocking. I've got a good three dozen li'll suckers swimmin' around in there, maybe more. Temperature is definitely the missing piece regarding my home tanks.

Bad News
: The home tank is a ghost town. No Sea Monkeys survived the heat wave.

Good News: If I let all the water evaporate and then fill the tank up again, supposedly second generation eggs'll hatch. This experiment failed the last time I tried it, but I'm gonna give it a go, after moving the tank to my work.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

KLJ Praised in The Washington Post

Click Here to read a Washington Post review of Morbid Curiosity written by Peter Carlson.

He singles out my article saying:

"The funniest of these medical horror stories is "I Hate My Guts," Keith Lowell Jensen's hilarious account of his colon disease. Like any good colon disease tale, it gets a little . . . um, gamey. But if you stick with it, you're rewarded with the story of Jensen's colonoscopy photos.

"The photos were shown around," he writes. "They were even published online, resulting in a fan site dedicated to my colon and an original piece of art being made from the photos and submitted to be displayed at the California State Fair. The State Fair rejected my colon."

Needless to say, Morbid Curiosity didn't reject Jensen's colon, and his colonoscopy photos illustrate this demented masterpiece."

I love his line "Like any good colon disease story..." That's funny stuff. The story he's refering too, "I Hate My Guts" can be read here, and yes, the colon pics are included. Glee!

Buy Morbid Curiosity at your local book store or oder it HERE.

Found Magazine Live

I saw Davy Rothbart and his brother Peter Rothbart from Found Magazine on the Sacramento stop of their crazy tour.

They were GREAT. Funny and poignent and down to earth and so cool. Go to their myspace page (see link at the end of this post) to check out the schedule for their tour to see if they'll be stopping in your town. And if they are, go see them. You'll have a great time. Tell them Keith from Sacto sent you.

If they aren't comin' around be sure to pick up Found Magazine, it's great. And It's bound to make a finder out of me.

I have a strange fear that I will find my own lost journals in these pages one day. This is a new phobia. foundmagaphobia. I suffer from it big time.

Here's that myspace address

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Nascar DriveThru's Rob Cockerham, if that is his real name, has this sweet little idea he says. He describes to me a shenanigan he's dubbed the Nascar Drive Thru. Well, bein' the fool I am, I take the bait.

Cocker-Scam waits, for MONTHS, he's so patient, until finally I call him and say let's do this. Let's make it happen. By this time I'm feeling like it's my own dang idea. What I mean to say is, my guard was down, WAY down.

Rob even let's me think it was my idea to bring my pal Li'l Shank in on the prank. Oh, he knows Li'l Shank too? We'll I'll be. What a coincidence! ! ! As I said, the CockyHam fella had me eatin' trust raisin's dipped in naive yoghurt right out of his money grubbin' hand.

We all take our place and Rob re-explains the rules. We're going to get in line at The Carl's Jr./Green Burrito. Let me point out now that Rob had previous told us it was a Carl's Junior. I'm not sure why he hid the Green Burrito (Burrito Verde en Espanol) but I'm sure it was part of his plan. I'm not as clever as he. We would then do ten laps around the restaraunt.

We'll I'm so full of good will and 99 cent bottled water (from the 99 cent store in the same parking lot) that it doesn't phase me when Crock-of-Ham suggests his friend (and mine? Yeah right) Li'l Shank pull into the drive in first. I pulled in behind the legendary #3 Car, sure that my 1990 Toyota Corolla would have no problem grabbin' up that checkered flag. After attempting to order some birthday cake (like I said I was confident) I set about winning this race.

That's when I realized, there's no room for passing in a drive through lane, and not quite enough room in the parking lot. We were all behind Blue Lightning (I don't know how Li'l Shank's car got that name, it aint blue, nor does it have any connection to lightning or weather of any kind.) and there aint no way to get around him.

So, we did our ten laps, stopping once when an overly enthusiastic fan drove onto the track (and ordered some food) and of course Li'l Shank took it all. I couldn't figure out what the angle was at first. I thought maybe Cockney-Spam (I don't know either) just wanted Shank's boy, Li'l Li'l Shank, to see his loser dad win for once. At any rate, I stubbed my toe getting out of my car to congratulate the "winner". Luckily there were paramedics on site.

It was on my way home, my toe throbbing, my pride on life support with no brain activity and lots of Senators, clergy men and hospital staff keepin' it's loved ones from yankin' the plug, that I realized what had transpired. I haven't found the proof yet but I'm willing to bet that Cockerham (seriously, it's a jacked up name without any help from me) was willing to bet and bet big on his Li'l Shank. I doubt the Shank-meister himself even got a fair cut of the greedy webmasters take on this.

Oh well. I put up a stong race, and I found out that C Jr/Green Burrito aint got no birthday cake.

If you're dumb enough to bother, you can read Rob Cocker Spaniel's version Here or Li'l Skank's (no that wasn't a typo) version Here.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Monos Del Mar

I started out so excitedly hatching my Sea Monkeys. I've hatched dozens of batches before but it would have to be this batch, hatched with all you, my millions of readers (HA!) watching, that would bite the big one (it's not really big except when compared to the miniscule Sea Monkeys.)

I had about six hatch right away, and then up to twelve, then back down to six :( and now, I have two. TWO! Two lonely li'l monkeys of the sea swimming around in their little pink tank.

I suspect the heat we've been having in my non climate controlled home is to blame. Oh curse you swamp cooler! My work is considerably more even temperatured, and never gets above 85 degrees in the office before someone turns on the A/C. So, I set up the second tank, pictured, on my desk. I add the eggs tomorrow. I shall stay dedicated to my pets at home, maybe I'll even move them to the office if things go well here.

Oscar, my friend from Columbia, taught me how to say Sea Monkey in Espanol; Monos Del Mar. Gracias Oscar.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Holy Crap I'm Obsessed

All My Kisses has Twenty Three freakin' chapters already. My eyes ache I've done so much writing in the past 48 hours.

I did squeeze in time to do a stunt with Rob from Cockeyed and some guys who reminded me of the kids from Smooot Valley High but they were totally different guys for sure.

More details on that when I get some photos.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Site Map

I thought it was about time I gave this big mess of content some organizing. So here's a quick guide to the good stuff.
The home page and the most boring page. It's my dear diary blog about hatching sea monkeys and getting hurt skate boarding. I use this page to keep you up to date whenever I post something new on the other pages. Here's a greatest hits page.

All My Kisses
My current BIG project. I'm writing about all the romantic entanglements of my life. It's sorta graphic in places but in a pretty innocent way. Start with the first chapter here.

All My Jobs
This is the most popular page. I tell the story of every job I've ever had, which also becomes the story of me growing up, or trying to. I'm now putting up other people's job stories here. How about yours? Start here, at the list of every job in order.

I decided to explore the urban legend of the panhandler who makes crazy good money at it and goes home to a nice house every night. I went out panhandling myself, employee all kinds of crazy costumes. There's lots to read here, but the blog is mostly stagnant while we edit the documentary.

Mostly True

These are stories that are true at least according to my memories which I've learned not to trust. I might also stretch the truth a little if I wish it had happened differently.


Fiction's the toughest for me. It's actual creation. Much easier than just writing about all the dumb things of done.


I've been in a-lot of fights in my life. Every once in a great while I write about one.

Yeah, so I write poems. Call me Emo or whatever the current insult for "sensitive" guys is.

Just a dream journal written while half awake.

My "friends" on the internets.

I'm in a comedy troupe, I have a MySpace Page and I'm a huge fan of Francois Fly.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

All MY Kisses

Well, I did it. All My Kisses is well underway. I'm detailing all of my romantic entanglements from the earliest I can remember on. You can view the first post by clicking here.
Or just visit to see the latest post.

Leave comments, participate, and be warned, it's pretty cute in places and pretty funny but my romantic life has been ugly from time to time too. It's here, warts and all, except the gay stuff. Until you come up with photographic evidence, I'll never cop to that.

Oh, and speaking of photographs, I need graphics. Interested in illustrating a post? Let me know. I'd love to feature different artists on each page and would of course link back to you.

Monday, June 12, 2006

New Poems

I put up a couple of new poems. Click Here


Click Here for details. (Not as exciting as it looks)

Where've I Been?

I must be feeling guilty for not keeping in touch with my friends. When Chris asked me where I've been she got this:

"Finishing writing my book, finishing editing the panhandling documentary, shitting blood, working 40 hours a week, getting ready to host the sammies, putting together a one man show based on the book I'm finishing, squeezing in some time to spend with my sweetie, talking about planning a wedding, thinking about planning a wedding, keeping up my five gazillion blogs, hatching sea monkeys, reading about and experimenting with diets that might help me to not shit blood, skateboarding, limping (after skateboarding), watching The Simpsons, dressing like a mime and cruising around in a limo (for $55 an hour!!!), planning a stunt called Nascar Drive-Thru with my friend Rob for his website;

I'm sure I left some thing out. And hey, in the name of multi-tasking, I think this may be my next blog entry.

What are you up to?"

So, what are you up to.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Yet another blog

Coming Soon: No... Wait.
Maybe Coming Soon is too ambitions. Ahem...

Coming Some Day:

All My Kisses

In the style of All My Jobs I will detail every heartbreak, every kiss, every bumbling goofy thing I've done in the name of love.

Upsided Down Tigers, Dead Preachers, Ex-Girlfriend

I've been keeping track of my dreams, with some gaps when they escape my memory before I get to the computer. Check it out at

Saturday, June 10, 2006

My Space

Hey, you can be my myspace friend. Click Here. Oh it'll be great. We'll share our most secret secrets, and we'll have sleepovers and play truth or dare and we'll have special nicknames for each other. This is going to be totally awesome.

In other news, today I'm a mime. See for details.

My sea monkeys seem to be doing well. I'm airating their tank a couple times a day. I've got at least a dozen of the little boogers probably more.

That's it for now.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

Sea Monkey Good News!

The tank now has more little monkey's del mar. I guess the thicker eggs are hatching now. I just saw about five or six little guys swimming around. Cool.

Sea Monkeys Part II

UPDATE: I decided I had enough to say about Sea Monkeys to give them a blog of their own. Please visit

Click for Sea Monkeys part 1

After rinsing out the tank and filling it with bottled water, I emptied the contents of Packet 1-Water Prufier into the water. I used the the "Aqua leash" to stir. The aqual leash is like a small turkey baster.

I let my pretty pink Sea Monkey tank sit for the required 24 hours, and then some. I waited a week. I was really hoping to get the cool USB microsope back so I could get some images of the itty bitty baby sea monkeys, but it aint happening.

I ran out of patience yesterday and dumped in Packet 2- INSTANT LIFE! ! !
I've done this a million times, and I've kept all manner of aquaria, but it still amazes me everytime. I dump in this packet and within seconds little critters have hatched and are swimming around looking for food. It blows me away. They really tiny. You have to stare for awhile to see them. Once you see one you can find the others. I have a small batch this time. I only see three where as past batches have started with dozens. I'm not off to a good start for trying to make this batch last a whole year.

I sit and watch my three sea monkeys as the swim in gracefull little loops and arcs around their world. It's meditative for me. I moved them into a sun beam for a few minutes. They go crazy in the sunlight, swimming in wild little loops. They seek out light. If you use a flashlight in a dark room you can get them all to crowd into one corner of the tank, and then they'll follow the light across the tank. Man, being a geek is sure fun.

I start feeding them on day five (we're on day two now.) I found this Helpful Hints page at I'm following his directions pretty closely.

I found my Sea Monkeys On The Moon set up. I bought it months ago and it disappeared. My girlfriend had decided that since it was a toy it belonged in my Barbie display case. !?!? And then she forgot. It works out alright though. I'll save the on the moon kit until I have the microscope. It's a better shaped tank as the larger surface area on a shallower, wider tank allows for more gas exchange.

I'll keep working on that microscope, while keeping you informed on how the pink tank progresses.

Here's the pink tank on my night stand. You can click to enlarge the picture and check out my reading list. Those books are there to make me look smart. The comic books (what really smart people read) are in the drawer.

I'm the ghost of Bryna's distorted face. Booooo!Click to enlarge this, and you won't see any sea monkeys. They're too small. But you will see my girlfriends face distorted by the tank. And for fun, see how many SNL cast members you can find in this picture.

RED HOT NAKED SEX PORN GIRLS NO FOR REALClick to enlarge this X-TREME close up, it's totally X-TREME! And if you look really close you'll see RED HOT NAKED SEX PORN GIRLS. You won't really, but a-lot of folks google search for that kinda stuff.

HEY KIDS (and naked sex porn girls) Buy your own sea monkeys, and do the experiment with me!

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

New Jobs Post, Help, I'm a Mime

Well heck, for $55 an hour wouldn't you be?

I'm being hired by the same folks who paid me to be Will Ferrell. I've also been The 40 Year Old Virgin for them, which I should write about at some point.

The good thing is the next time someone asks me how much my diginity is worth I'll have an answer. It's worth $55 an hour.


Skating, X-Men III, The End Of The World

Well, here it is, 6-6-06. Nice knowing you all. The fire and brimstone should be an insteresting show. Will we all grab lawn chairs and sit outside our houses watching like on fourth of July, the dogs hiding under the bed? Dogs are smart that way.

Always try to believe it's the end of the world. The biblical prophesy speaks of "coming like a thief in the night." implying an unexpected happening, so if we just expect everything, always watching for the axe to fall, it never will, right? So you see, if not for those crazy "The End Is Near" guys the whole big ball would've been up in flames years ago.

As for the real world, went skating Saturday with my buddy Paul. There's a great park in Natomas though the lack of shade and the presence of many kiddlings who wanted to run across the half pipe while we were skating it were definite draw backs. After we skated we went to see X-Men III. I didn't like the first two so I didn't expect much of this one, but it was quite enjoyable, despite being at Downtown Plaza. I had to tell the kid seated next to me to go take his cell phone call outside! What the hell? Then there was the crying baby whose parents figured they should stay put in the theatre so we could all enjoy their bundle of noise. I love kids, I really do, but I can't stand parents who let their kids drive everyone else crazy.

The last couple of days have been rough. My stomach's acting up in the mornings. My job is pretty understanding of me coming in late. What can they say when you tell 'em, "Sorry I'm late, couldn't stop shitting."? There's just no arguing with that. I missed the reading in SF on Saturday because of my stomach but I felt fine on Sunday so I was really hoping this flare up had passed. Oh well. Speaking of work, I better get to it. Hasta tardes.

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Venus Envy

I Am A Geek!
If there was room for doubt before, it is scientific fact now. Its geeky enough to have a billion and one blogs, but now I've done it, I've gone and gotten myself addicted to a web comic.
Being addicted to a comic is one thing, and I've certainly been there; Love and Rockets, Scud!-The Disposable Assasin, Elf Quest, Sandman, Crumb, American Splendor, Ed The Happy Clown, Jeffrey Brown's graphic novels, crap, I didn't realize the list would keep going when I started it. But now, a web comic, that's the pinacle of geekdom. And the culprit is Venus Envy. VE (apparently us geeks like anagrams, I'm done fighting it) is the story of a transgender teen dealing with the soap opera of high school life, with the added trials and tribulations of being a girl with a penis.

My own quest for identity is quite different from that of VE's protagonist Zoe but there are difficultities with finding and being yourself that are universal and I found myself really relating. It's interesting to see the art evolve as the story line progresses. The artist, Erin Lindsey is transgender herself, and she has a great outlook that gives a backstory and some sympathy to most of her characters, even the few villains she's allowed herself.

Erin is not putting up new strips at the moment thanks to scanner problems and a hectic school schedule, but judging from her past down times she should be uploading again any day now. It would be a good time to hit the archives, catch up on the story, and send the artist a buck or two.

Thursday, June 1, 2006

Ryan Stiles

My Ryan Stiles interview is in this week's News and Review.

You can read it by clicking here. Unfortunately I won't be able to go see him as I'm reading at the premier party for the new Morbid Curiosity Magazine that night in SF. The current issue has my Colon story.

Too bad. Stiles is one funny, funny man. I'm sure the shows gonna be a blast.