So, I show up at MVP, the sports bar where I'm performing as part of their Thursday Night comedy show and the Republican National Convention is on. McCain is speachifying. In one corner of the bar sits three Mexicans and a black guy. I notice the Mexicans are groaning every time the TV screen show anyone who isn't white while the black guy is cheering. I have to know, so I ask 'em whats going on and apparently they have a bet going over whether or not there will be at least ten non-white people shown.
This is the best way to watch the RNC. Now these camera men have been instructed to find the minorities and zoom in. You can feel how big of an effort it is. I'm thinking there's a major bonus for every minority they manage to get on screen.
When I noticed the "Look, we got minorities!" shots alternating with close ups of the most inbred, redneck looking good old boys imaginable I figured we must have at least one Democrat who infiltrated the camera crew. They put one cowboy hat wearing, mouth like a train wreck, Hee-Haw fanatic on screen who was SO white I suggested my gamblin' friends take a point off. This guy and the black Republican they zoomed in on before him should've just cancelled each other out.
When they cut to a red head who looked a bit wild for the RNC I proposed half a point on the assumption that she slept with a black guy once, in college.
I don't have real good impulse control and when McCain talked about Russia invading their neighbor just so they could control more of the oil market I yelled from the back of the room "GEE. SOUNDS FAMILIAR!" Luckily it was a pretty liberal crowd and I got my first applause break before I'd even hit the stage. Thanks gang.
The Mexicans lost the bet. They showed exactly ten non-honkies (though I'm convinced that one guy changed hats so that he would look like two black republicans.)
Friday, September 5, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Triple Threat Thursday
Its late, I'm tired, going to bed.
I'll blog about tonights comedy show tomorrow and I'll get video up soon as well.
Thanks to Mike Betancourt for booking me and to Josh Vigil and David Bothom for sharing the stage with me. Great show.
if you went to the show though, you better leave a damn comment
I'll blog about tonights comedy show tomorrow and I'll get video up soon as well.
Thanks to Mike Betancourt for booking me and to Josh Vigil and David Bothom for sharing the stage with me. Great show.
if you went to the show though, you better leave a damn comment
But it IS the same old Republican Party
Before any of you moderate Republicans or independents out there are tempted to believe the hype that McCain represents a NEW Republican party, let me remind you that George Bush 8 years ago was billed as a NEW Republican. Please remember where the bullshit term Compassionate Conservative came from.
The Republican party is STILL the party of Big Oil, Palin more than anyone. Lets look at where her money comes from. If this were a jury she'd be dismissed for conflict of interest. There was a term in early American politics; disinterestedness. It meant, non-invested, non-beholden, free from interests that might sway ones judgment. Why have we lost this word and the values that were associated with it?
As I listened to the RNC last night it struck me that they're really proud to be the party of platitudes. Obama was actually ridiculed for having so many foreign policy advisers. He was also criticized for seeing issues as complex and for considering more than one viewpoint when looking at a conflict.
I'm not registered Democrat and they are no angels. I see some flaws in Obama for sure, I'm an atheist after all, and quite tired of having to vote someone with invisible friends. But I see him as the most exciting candidate to run in quite some time. He talks to us as if we're actually intelligent and can handle complex issues without having 'em dumbed down. Whether he is right in this assumption we'll find out soon.
The Republican party is STILL the party of Big Oil, Palin more than anyone. Lets look at where her money comes from. If this were a jury she'd be dismissed for conflict of interest. There was a term in early American politics; disinterestedness. It meant, non-invested, non-beholden, free from interests that might sway ones judgment. Why have we lost this word and the values that were associated with it?
As I listened to the RNC last night it struck me that they're really proud to be the party of platitudes. Obama was actually ridiculed for having so many foreign policy advisers. He was also criticized for seeing issues as complex and for considering more than one viewpoint when looking at a conflict.
I'm not registered Democrat and they are no angels. I see some flaws in Obama for sure, I'm an atheist after all, and quite tired of having to vote someone with invisible friends. But I see him as the most exciting candidate to run in quite some time. He talks to us as if we're actually intelligent and can handle complex issues without having 'em dumbed down. Whether he is right in this assumption we'll find out soon.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Don't Do Drugs THE BOOK
We all love cautionary tales of junkie excess; Wonderland Ave, The Kid Stays In The Picture, Blow. The message is presented as "Don't do what I did." but really comes across more like, "Don't do what I did, UNLESS YOU WANT TO HAVE A HELLUVA LOT OF FUN!"
So, I'm working on writing one of my own. Here is how I imagine the marketing:
MARVEL!!! as our hero tries drugs and immediately embarks on a global, rock and roll adventure of epic proportions!!!
DROOL!!! as lusty drug craving super models take our hero to places most of us would be truly willing to die for!!!
SEETH!!! with envy as drug addiction and reckless, suicidal abandon give our hero a life worth reading about on your coffee breaks from your dull, meaningless job.
READ!!! the exciting final chapter where our hero almost sucks dick for crack but stops at the last minute realizing that actually sucking dick for crack might cost him his book deal or at the very least lose him an important demographic!!!
REJOICE!!! as our hero continues sleeping with super model types who flock to his book signings where he, six months sober after a small post advance check relapse, warns us all of the terrible consequences of drug use.
Keep your eyes peeled for Don't Do Drugs THE MOVIE! as soon as the author recovers from his latest relapse enough to sign the release.
I think it'll be a best seller. Now I just need to find some drugs and super models. A little help please?
So, I'm working on writing one of my own. Here is how I imagine the marketing:
MARVEL!!! as our hero tries drugs and immediately embarks on a global, rock and roll adventure of epic proportions!!!
DROOL!!! as lusty drug craving super models take our hero to places most of us would be truly willing to die for!!!
SEETH!!! with envy as drug addiction and reckless, suicidal abandon give our hero a life worth reading about on your coffee breaks from your dull, meaningless job.
READ!!! the exciting final chapter where our hero almost sucks dick for crack but stops at the last minute realizing that actually sucking dick for crack might cost him his book deal or at the very least lose him an important demographic!!!
REJOICE!!! as our hero continues sleeping with super model types who flock to his book signings where he, six months sober after a small post advance check relapse, warns us all of the terrible consequences of drug use.
Keep your eyes peeled for Don't Do Drugs THE MOVIE! as soon as the author recovers from his latest relapse enough to sign the release.
I think it'll be a best seller. Now I just need to find some drugs and super models. A little help please?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Wow, Exciting
I'm now booked at some of the most important comedy clubs in the country with a show that I believe has the potential to go really far. I'm super excited. If you know people in LA, Seattle, Mill valley, The Bay Area or even right here in Sacramento, please send them to our shows. Information at www.coexistComedy.com.
Of course I'm still doing my non-atheist themed stand up and I'm booked for a thirty minute set this coming Thursday at MVP Sports Grill here in town. If you're in Sacramento come on down. I'm going to be hanging out for a while afterwards too.
Of course I'm still doing my non-atheist themed stand up and I'm booked for a thirty minute set this coming Thursday at MVP Sports Grill here in town. If you're in Sacramento come on down. I'm going to be hanging out for a while afterwards too.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Politics and Poodle Love
Both Obama and McCain have promised a respectable campaign; No smear tactics, ad hominem attacks, etc. Here's how its panning out:
Old: My Opponent is a poodle fucker!
New: My Opponent fucks poodles. I believe he is a good person and he cares about America, but I don't think America needs a poodle fucker. I don't believe that poodle fucking is the direction we want to take our country in.
As you can see its a huge improvement, though I'll miss the old mud slinging politics of yesteryear.
Remember to register and vote for your favorite poodle fucking or non poodle fucking candidate.
Old: My Opponent is a poodle fucker!
New: My Opponent fucks poodles. I believe he is a good person and he cares about America, but I don't think America needs a poodle fucker. I don't believe that poodle fucking is the direction we want to take our country in.
As you can see its a huge improvement, though I'll miss the old mud slinging politics of yesteryear.
Remember to register and vote for your favorite poodle fucking or non poodle fucking candidate.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Alt Alt Alt Alt
Hello my blogreading friends,
I'd like to announce here that I am now, officially an alternative, alternative comic.
My act will seem just like anyone else's, but in my case it's totally intentional.
And a bit ironic.
Its like post-post modern traditionalist neo-vaudeville.
Enjoy.
Also I'm experimenting with back masking. tell me if the message says anything when you read it backwards okay?
Thanks.
Keith
PS: Steve Martin stole my act.
I'd like to announce here that I am now, officially an alternative, alternative comic.
My act will seem just like anyone else's, but in my case it's totally intentional.
And a bit ironic.
Its like post-post modern traditionalist neo-vaudeville.
Enjoy.
Also I'm experimenting with back masking. tell me if the message says anything when you read it backwards okay?
Thanks.
Keith
PS: Steve Martin stole my act.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Bad Language and Tramp Stamps ahead...
So, I usually don't get hostile to my audience no matter what. I've even walked off stage and hugged a heckler before, explaining that I understood his need for attention.
But something about the three little bottle blond tramp stamped 20 year olds who came to the comedy show to sit right up front and then hold their own conversation through everybody's act and show each other the texts they were receiving on their phones just made my blood boil
So, there I am, explaining the wheel of Samsara."So, if you're a bad guy you could come back in the next life as something worse, like a stand up comic in a fucking pizza parlor. (then specifically to the bimbos) seriously, what the fuck was I in my past life to deserve you? Shit, I must have been Hitler! (in voice of god) 'Little hard on the Jews there Adolph. Have fun doing comedy in Sunnyvale.'"
Later I told a joke about animal testing that references lonely lab techs and one of the vapid three laughed. "Oh you like the monkey fucking jokes? Okay, I'm glad I know now. Next time I'm in Sunnyvale it's all monkey fucking all the time, got it."
Wheeeeeee Fun!
What I didn't say was: NO Twenty year old has an excuse to have a tatooed lower back. Unless they were inked up in their pre-teens they got that tattoo AFTER the term Tramp Stamp came into effect. They were familiar with the term. Did they ask for it by name? "Uh, yeah, Snake, can I get 'free blowjobs tattooed on my chin? No wait, never mind, just tramp stamp me instead."
FUCK YOU SUNNYVALE.
UPDATE: Sorry Sunnyvale. I love you. I wasn't actually in Sunnyvale. I don't usually drive to gigs so I never can remember where I am. When I'm offered a gig and there is someone to carpool with (bum a ride off of) I just concentrate on where and when I'm getting picked up and then I magically arrive at some venue with a stage. Yeah, it is pretty pathetic to not even know what town you're cursing. Ah well. Sunnyvale, I owe you one.
But something about the three little bottle blond tramp stamped 20 year olds who came to the comedy show to sit right up front and then hold their own conversation through everybody's act and show each other the texts they were receiving on their phones just made my blood boil
So, there I am, explaining the wheel of Samsara."So, if you're a bad guy you could come back in the next life as something worse, like a stand up comic in a fucking pizza parlor. (then specifically to the bimbos) seriously, what the fuck was I in my past life to deserve you? Shit, I must have been Hitler! (in voice of god) 'Little hard on the Jews there Adolph. Have fun doing comedy in Sunnyvale.'"
Later I told a joke about animal testing that references lonely lab techs and one of the vapid three laughed. "Oh you like the monkey fucking jokes? Okay, I'm glad I know now. Next time I'm in Sunnyvale it's all monkey fucking all the time, got it."
Wheeeeeee Fun!
What I didn't say was: NO Twenty year old has an excuse to have a tatooed lower back. Unless they were inked up in their pre-teens they got that tattoo AFTER the term Tramp Stamp came into effect. They were familiar with the term. Did they ask for it by name? "Uh, yeah, Snake, can I get 'free blowjobs tattooed on my chin? No wait, never mind, just tramp stamp me instead."
FUCK YOU SUNNYVALE.
UPDATE: Sorry Sunnyvale. I love you. I wasn't actually in Sunnyvale. I don't usually drive to gigs so I never can remember where I am. When I'm offered a gig and there is someone to carpool with (bum a ride off of) I just concentrate on where and when I'm getting picked up and then I magically arrive at some venue with a stage. Yeah, it is pretty pathetic to not even know what town you're cursing. Ah well. Sunnyvale, I owe you one.
Friday, August 8, 2008
John Ross
John Ross has been cracking me up for years. He walks on stage looking very much the dork with his strange musical instrument in hand, a pair of black framed glasses on his face. He continues to be the offbeat dork as he casually wanders through the tragedies and low points of his life. With a matter of fact attitude Ross explores his parent's drug addiction, his mother's death, his own sometimes fragile Faith; The amazing thing about Ross' act is that it never exploits the horror of its often dark subject matter. He takes the life he was given with an almost absurd cheer and mines it for comedic gems hidden amidst the wreckage. The end result is unique, hilarious and oddly
touching.John Ross is taping his first live comedy DVD and you can be a part of it.
October 4th, 2008
7:30 PM ¤ The 24th Street Theater
2791 24th Street
Sacramento, CA 95818
Cost: $15
www.brownpapertickets.com
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Sexy, Funny me
I am so sexy.
I am so funny.
No, for real. I know, I know, I had trouble believing it at first, but its true!
Have a peek at my myspace comments section. It's right there, written by a real live girl and a smart and pretty one at that (No, it isn't another of my fake profiles smartass!)
And hey, lucky you, you get to be friends with sexy, funny me. And as my less sexy, less funny friend you totally get my castoffs. It may not sound so great at first, but I'm married (and faithfully so) so my cast offs are to be plentiful. Yeah baby, that's the stuff.
Had an awesome night last night. Stepped outside of my safety zone and went to a mainstream, weeknight room where I wasn't performing within a theme and I did great. I had a good time and so did the audience. It is nice to know that I can still be funny without relying on my atheist material which only made up a tiny fraction of my shtick last night.
Speaking of, HOLY CRAP, look at the shows I have booked on my page. Coexist? is getting some amazing bookings. And there is even a secret booking that I'm not at liberty to discuss yet that is going to be AWESOME.
Okay then, bye bye.
I am so funny.
No, for real. I know, I know, I had trouble believing it at first, but its true!
Have a peek at my myspace comments section. It's right there, written by a real live girl and a smart and pretty one at that (No, it isn't another of my fake profiles smartass!)
And hey, lucky you, you get to be friends with sexy, funny me. And as my less sexy, less funny friend you totally get my castoffs. It may not sound so great at first, but I'm married (and faithfully so) so my cast offs are to be plentiful. Yeah baby, that's the stuff.
Had an awesome night last night. Stepped outside of my safety zone and went to a mainstream, weeknight room where I wasn't performing within a theme and I did great. I had a good time and so did the audience. It is nice to know that I can still be funny without relying on my atheist material which only made up a tiny fraction of my shtick last night.
Speaking of, HOLY CRAP, look at the shows I have booked on my page. Coexist? is getting some amazing bookings. And there is even a secret booking that I'm not at liberty to discuss yet that is going to be AWESOME.
Okay then, bye bye.
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