Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Dora and Max

Last night I'm Watching Dora with my daughter Max.
Dora asks the kids to yell things or point at things to help her, which Max does at first but then stops.

Max, don't you wanna help Dora?

"She'll work it out."

HA HA! And of course, Dora did just fine. Max taught her independence.

Monday, March 18, 2013

You can fuck later!

Hey guys, if you have ANY room to doubt whether or not there is consent, don't do it. You can have sex another time. Because not having sex right this instant isn't going to kill you, or make you a rapist.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Pope a dope!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Sex With Condoms Doesn't Count

Hey Christian teens, the truth about why they don't want you wearing condoms is... the sex doesn't count! That's right. Have all the sex you want, so long as you wear a condom each time you're still a virgin and can "give yourself" to your beloved on your wedding night! You're welcome. 
(My misinformation is better than their misinformation.)

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Rolling Episode II: The Flow


I really love this episode because it shows the kind of fun a teetotaler comic can get up to on the road and it shows you how much fun the atheist crowd can be. No, we don't just sit around discussing our lack of belief in gods all day. We also have Nerf wars! The "war" footage is from last year's trek to perform at Skepticon!

Gimme Five!

When I was in 4th grade I saw a rotten kid throwing rocks at the seagulls that congregated around our school during lunch break. He hit one and went for a celebratory "Gimme five" from his buddy. A bird shit right on his hand.

Life peaked early. I'm 41 years old and I've seen many things but I doubt anything will ever replace this as the coolest moment of my life. The astronauts who walked on the moon suffered depression when they had to go back to the mundanities of everyday life. I feel like I can relate.

I once looked out my window at exactly the right time to see a drag queen who thought she was alone lift her skirt to pop her balls back into her panties as she crossed the street at 3am. That was pretty great, but no seagull giving a kid a shit five.

Friday, March 8, 2013

The One Full Beard Tour

Keith Lowell Jensen and Johnny Taylor met doing comedy. They soon found out they shared the same birthday, were born at the same hospital in Corona, CA, and they had hair on opposite parts of their faces!!!
Though both are highly skeptical of all things supernatural it quickly became clear that the universe wanted them to perform comedy together. They are confident that by the time this tour ends the world will have experienced a cosmic shift. Burritos and Falafel will be plentiful even outside of urban centers. Fans of opposing sports teams will agree to settle their differences with fight simulating dance-offs. The President of The United States of America will stop killing kids with drones. And grocery stores will again stock real orange juice, made by squeezing oranges.
You're welcome.

Dates so far:

March 19th, Blue Lagoon Santa Cruz CA
March 21st, El Dorado Saloon, El Dorado Hills CA
April 2, Vintage Lounge, Turlock, CA
April 4, Humbrews, Arcata CA
April 5, Blue Room, Chico CA, 8 and 10pm
May 1, Luna's Cafe, Sacramento CA
May 17th, 18th, Fetterly Playhous, Vallejo, CA
May 24th, Curious Comedy Theatre Portland, OR
May 25th, Seattle, WA
May 26th, Seattle, WA
July 3, Win River Casino, Redding CA
(more to come)

Monday, March 4, 2013

Movie Pitch Monday: Killing

Charlie finds out his best buddy Dean and his girlfriend have been having an affair. She has been going to see said friend at a local comedy clubs open mic night, then having sex with him in his van in the parking lot. Charlie is despondent. He considers suicide. Decides to do it in the van, so they find him. Puts a blade to his wrists, figuring that'll do a job on the upholstery. He can't go through with it. He's about to leave the van when Dean comes back.

Dean assumes he was waiting to attack him. Dean explains that she wanted to dump Charlie for him. Dean said "No way. He was just in it for the pussy. He doesn't need some "Crazy bitch" hanging on. Especially one who couldn't suck a dick worth a damn anyway. Charlie loses his temper, Dean loses lots of blood and then his ability to be alive. Dean pulls him into the van. In a daze he heads into the club, hiding his blood soaked hands. He washes up in the bathroom and comes out to see his girlfriend in the front row looking angry. The emcee calls for Charlie. Girlfriend looks about, annoyed. Emcee repeats Charlie's name. Emcee is about to go on when Dean speaks up, "Can I go up in his place." Emcee introduces Charlie.

"Sorry, I.. I haven't um, done this.... "

Heckler, "You suck!"

Charlie, "You know I could fucking kill you. I just killed Dean, thats why I'm here. I don't know that double homicide would put me in any worse a place than just regular old homicide. And really, killing a fat, stupid, drunk heckler is pretty excusable. Everyone knows you deserve it so, that might actually strengthen my argument that Dean deserved it to." the crowd cheers.

Charlie starts telling jokes about his recent suicide note "You can my records but, I'm taking all my pills. Toodles." and other dark subject matter. Has a decent set.

Charlie goes on the road. Kills a heckler, an asshole club owner, an abusive road comic who treats female fans like shit. All the while getting better and better at stand up, doing mostly dark material.

A cop is connecting the dots and starting to close in on Charlie.

End, cop is crossing golden gate bridge, finds Charlies car, finds a suicide note. Looks into the bay. Calls it in.

A comic built a lot like charlie is performing at a small roadside bar with strainers on his head, pretending to be a fly. A woman is heckling him hard. Zoom in on Fly's face...

Monday, February 25, 2013

Movie Pitch Monday: The Mustache

Frank Combs is a driver safety trainer in a small town. He is a bit obsessive about driver safety, hence passionate about and good at his job. The kids like him, but he doesn't always get their respect.

The small town's one claim to fame is a serial killer who terrorized the town and neighboring towns in the seventies. Frank is often said to resemble this killer. The killer however wore a big, beautiful, seventies porn 'stache on his upper lip.

Halloween is coming. Frank is very excited about his costume. He is growing a beard for it. No one is able to guess who Frank is going to be at the school's big Halloween dance. The night of the dance, Frank shaves the beard, leaving just the 'stache, puts on some 70s style duds, grabs an axe and walks into the dance as "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Alice Cooper blasts over the sound system. At first kids move away from him, genuinely frightened. Then he gets a slow clap, round of applause. His cool fades and the shy, awkward guy comes back. He's getting much positive feedback.

Later in the night, someone spikes the punch at the dance. The non-drinking Mr. Combs is accidentally intoxicated. He decides to walk home.

On the way home, after puking in front of a yogurt shop full of kids, still carrying his axe, he comes across some "cool kids" who are getting ready to drive off, obviously drunk. He tries to stop them, being lighthearted at first but things heat up pretty quickly. The kids are tossing the keys around, playing keep away, and as he climbs into their huge SUV to get the keys, they jump in around him, grabbing the real keys from the visor, and taking off. He tells them to stop but they don't listen. He puts on his seat belt. Nobody else does. They're going faster and faster to scare their teacher. He takes his axe, reaches the steering wheel with it and intentionally pulls, steering the car off the road where it hits a tree. Everyone in the car dies but Mr. Combs, who comes out mostly unscathed.

Combs walks home, takes a shower. Is visibly shaken. He shaves his mustache off before falling asleep in front of the tv. When he wakes up the news is reporting the accident and its being dismissed as just that, a drunk driving accident where all involved perished. He is relieved, makes his way to the bathroom, grabs aspirin and downs it, shuts the medicine cabinet door and is surprised to see the mustache still on his face.
He mutters that he thought he'd shaved it. He shaves it. He goes out about his Saturday.

At the shopping mall Combs is greeted by, "Great 'stache!" and "Oh god, I thought you were gonna shave that thing." He joins the grieving for the kids that died, much of which is silly and maudlin. He goes home and shaves his 'stache off again. Towels lip dry, as he lowers towel, 'stache is back.

Combs continues trying to lose the 'stache but it won't go away. He gives up. He goes about his life. Things seem normal except that now he is increasingly enraged when he sees unsafe driving and he sees it EVERYWHERE, until, finally... he snaps. Combs starts killing kids for not driving safely, always making it look like they died from unsafe driving practices. Comedic high point when he is getting very upset at a kid playing with Hot Wheels in the park, and steering the Hot Wheels recklessly. The kids mother saves his life when she scoops him up and gives Combs a dirty look. The kid sticks his tongue at Combs who does a finger across the throat threat back at him.

Climactic scene when Combs gives up on the entire Senior class, hi-jacks the class trip bus, and goes on a rampage on the freeway. He runs people off the road who try to pass on the right, slams on the breaks when tailgated and teaches class all the while telling the kids how to drive safely. The one misfit kid who always treated the teacher good gets his trust, gets him to pull over, and then grabs him, and throws him out of the bus into traffic where he is killed.

At the end of the movie misfit kid and a female friend are putting flowers on Combs' tombstone. She touches his upper lip and says "Are you growing a mustache?" Misfit answers, "No!" somewhat incredulously. They get in her car and he notices her rearview mirror is broke. "You shouldn't be driving with that like that." She laughs it off. He looks in the passenger side mirror and sees a mustache on his face. He is confused. The car drives off into the sunset.