New Story on my fiction blog

The Master and the Pilgrim

"Oh exalted one, we present before you now a pilgrim who has been through the trial of endless desert, who has scaled the 1,000 steps of enlightenment, he has endured every test of faith, soul and body and has earned an audience with your holiness."

The master listened as the young man who stood before him was introduced. Despite all he'd been through, all he'd endured, he still showed a hint of nervousness. Or was it because of all that he'd invested in this moment that magnified it's importance, causing his lip to quiver ever so slightly and his forehead to perspire. He was discipline, had to give him that. His stance was perfectly steady, his gaze did not shift.

"Thank you brother." The master said. It was as many words as anyone had heard him speak. He led by listening as he sat upon his mat in deep contemplation for hours at a stretch.

Now, alone in the room with a pilgrim who had been watched by all over the last two years, since it was noticed that he was making it through the ordeals more rapidly than any other in the history of the faith. That it seemed he would make it all the way was exciting beyond measure, but that he would do it without ever once having to repeat a trial inspired a sort of fanaticism amongst the throng of believers, usually not prone to such response.

"So, you've made it through every ordeal?"

"Yes master."

"Uh… wow. Congratulations, that's… that's amazing."

The disciplined and intense young man stood perfectly still. He was not asked a question and so, he did not offer a response.

"Um, okay… listen, the thing is, it's great that you got here that you made it, we all applaud you. I look forward to finding you a great place within the ministry and I think its safe to say, you'll be well compensated for your… your… ministry."

The two men sat in intense silence. The young man began to wonder if this was another test, another ordeal. He stood, still and stared straight ahead. He would pass it.

"Uh, that's it. Thanks. Look, I'm not playing or speaking in riddles or anything, we're cool here. Let's see if we can't find you a prayer mat eh? I'll call Brother Kelly back in," and as the master took a deep breath and prepared to holler for his most faithful dedicated follower to return the young man spoke.

"I need to know. What does it all mean? I went through all of those ordeals, night of one hundred odors, the week of truly awful films, and I still don't get it. I'm sorry, but I just, I just don't feel any closer to understanding what it all means. Why I'm here, why I exist, why here exists."

"Look kid, I'm gonna level with you. It's really quite easy. It doesn't mean jack. It's all biological imperative."

Click Here to Read the whole story.

Be a Man, a Macho Man

In 2003 Macho Man Randy Savage, wrestler and Slim Jim spokes model decided to add Rapper to his resume.

The results are, from a musical perspective so awful, just really, incredibly, mind blowingly awful, but like all the best examples of awful there's a brilliance at work here. The character he has created is intact throughout the album, so much so that I have to wonder how much of it is just this guy being himself.

The second that Macho Man comes on and in his trade mark grumble informs the listener that "Now I'm spittin' Lyrics" you'll be rolling. (Read the rest here.)

The Ant and The Grasshopper

I recieved a conservative e-mail. Here's the e-mail and my reply.

The Ant and The Grasshopper
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself


MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.

My Modern Version:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the grasshopper calls his Republican friends in congress
and secures a few no bid contracts in Iraq. He gets plenty of money and can live well anywhere he wants, but he decides he wants the ant's house as it's in a primo location.

He works with his rich developer friends and they apply to the city to claim immenent domain so they can put a highrise in where ant's house now sits (with a nice penthouse on top for grasshopper.)

The ant fights them. A small, free, weekly paper runs a story on his fight. The grasshopper's pals at Fox News run an inflamatory story on the ant claiming he doesn't take care of the home that he claims to love and is just looking for a bigger pay off from the tax payers money.

You see, the ant knows that we're all overtaxed as the wars wage on and the economy continues to stall and he cares about the environment, so he got rid of his wastefull lawn and put in a rock and cactus garden instead. His homeowners association cried foul and this is where Fox found their angle.

The attacks go further as the grasshopper, who never served his country at war attacks the ant's war records pointing out that ant only served two tours. "Why not three?" grasshopper asks, implying that ant was a coward.

Ant's boss feels that ant being in his employ with all the bad press is actually hurting his bottom line but he wants to stand by ant. The boss is offered a contract working on the sky rise that will go where ant's home now sits and he caves.

Ant now has no health insurance, is in jeapordy of losing his public assistance and has been arrested several times for vagrancy. He's recently turned to drink and his prospects for the future are not good. The view from grasshoppers place is spectacular.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.

My next story will feature ant losing his job for writing long liberal e-mails from work.

Why Lie, Almost Done

Our feature length documentary "Why Lie, I Need A Drink; Exploring the myth of the affluent panhandler" is SOOOO close to done.

Below are some clips. We're looking for soundtrack music now, If you're in a band or know a band or musician who has or want to write a song about panhandling we may use it. Contact me via myspace for details. At the very least, I can promise that every song about panhandling contributed will be featured on the website:
WhyLieINeedADrink.com
The MySpace page for the film is myspace.com/beggingonline
Thanks.

Why Mommy is A Democrat

New Post at TrulyAwfulStuff.com;

Click images to enlarge
O'Reilly's kids book was pretty hilarious. Of course, it's just as awful and riotously funny when the other side decides to brainwash their young uns. And with this fine example they seem to be going for the very young uns.

To read the rest of my exploration of the literary masterpiece that is "Why Mommy is a Democrat" Click Here.

Holy Crap, Another Blog!

Yes, I have ANOTHER Blog.
But this one is sponsored.
SeaMonkeyGeek.blogspot.com is my new blog and it's sponsored by www.Sea-Monkey.com, meaning they are sending me all kinds of Sea Monkey goodies and feeding my Sea Monkey habit.
It's like Ron Jeremy getting sponsored by Pfizer or something.
Stoked. Looking forward to tons of free stuff.

Not Actually In The Bible

A recent report indicates that Americans are some of the most religious people on the planet but score horribly on biblical knowledge. I'd like to help.
Over the years many things have been rumored to be in the Bible that actually are not. Let's explore a few of these here..

The Golden Rule; Do unto other as you would have done unto you.
This one IS in there, but it's worded differently. This more commonly known wording is, as far as I can tell, from a 1963 book on B&D, S&M ettiquette titled "Safewords and Hanky Codes made simple."

Here's a really surprising one. Contrary to popular belief, neither "Vote Republican" nor "Bush, Cheny in 2004" are found in the bible, except where they've been added which is frequently the case.

God made the dirt, so the dirt can't hurt. Amazingly enough, this gem which led to much eating of dirt in my child hood is not scripture. It seems that in fact many of Gods creations, not excluding humans, are quite capable of inflicting hurt as is God himself. (A wink to Jones, fellow dirt eater.)

Mythical Creatures. The unicorn IS actually in the Bible, Leprachans, Tela-Tubbies, funny republicans, intelligent and/or productive internet debate, natural disaster proof trailer parks, a cure for warts or dinosaurs however are not.

Spare the Twinkie, spoil the child; not in there. Not that my mom ever fell for that one anyway.

Kill everyone that believes differently than you. Not in there. Sorry. No, please, calm down, there's no need to get violent. Okay, okay it's in. I'm writing it in right now, please, have a seat.

I guess I'd better leave off there, for now.

Wotta Weekend

Becca as The Optimistic Banana
I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.

Having The Cody Rivers Show here was amazing. Their performance this weekend, like their performance the first time I saw them, was inspiring and mind-blowing. The thing is it's also frustrating. I feel like we have the potential to do the kind of work that they're doing if we made the time for it. But my time is divided between making a film, writing, going to school, and playing the producer/promoter role that allows me to bring folks like The Cody Rivers Show and Brent Weinbach to town to begin with. I admire their discipline. And I am wanting to be as disciplined.

Obviously with the film so close to finished I need to put my energy there for now which is great. I really believe in the film. When its in the can I think I want to do either some solo work that falls somewhere between stand up and sketch or a smaller sketch project. A project that will involve only a few people who are willing to rehearse four to five times a week and really up the level of professionalism.

Another emotion going through my head is a bit of sadness at seeing the guys head back to Washington. The two performers, Mike and Andrew along with Andrew's brother Casey who did tech for them are all so smart, so sweet and I feel like we all just really clicked. They stayed at Becca's (one of our troupe members) place while they were in town and I just couldn't spend enough time there, joking, talking about comedy and being really silly. I really hope to get to Washington soon, and since my cousins in Seattle are expecting a kid soon I have a great reason to go.

In the midst of this muddy swamp of emotions is also pride. I'm really proud of my troupe's performance. It was all new material, and if we were taking it on the road it would be refined, polished and some skits would be cut etc, but I felt we made a good strong showing and the musical number came off GREAT, even though I was rendered COMPLETELY BLIND by the TV I had on my head while trying to dance with Sid.
And I'm proud that I bring acts like Brent Weinbach, The Cody Rivers Show and more to Sacramento. It makes me feel like I'm an important part of this community when I'm bringing cool stuff like this to town.

For any of you who missed it, HOLY CRAP! You missed one of the best shows I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of. Big thank yous to all of you did make it. Mwah!

My Atheist Stand-Up Videos

These are getting some great feedback on youtube. Hope nobody minds if I repost 'em here. I'll try to get some new comedy videos up soon. Thanks.


You can tell I'm nervous here as I curse more than I should, a sure give away. I was nervous because I hadn't done stand up in a while having been distracted by performing sketch (www.notcomedy.com) and I was getting my sea legs back. But it's still a good clip. Enjoy.


So here's more from the same weekend of shows at The Geery. I was performing with Tapan Trivedi and Brent Weinbach.

I Can't Recall

I stand accused of perusing Google news stories about Alberto Gonzales and blogging about said stories while I was being paid by my employer to do other tasks that didn't involve the internet in any way whatsoever.

Was I in fact behaving in this fashion?
I don't recall.

Was I reminded of the last great Republican administration's greatest scandal, starring Ollie North, The Gipper and a bunch of South American terrorists?
I don't recall.

Sorry. Really. My memory just doesn't seem to be performing right today. Did I maybe get really high before being presented with this inquiry?
I can't recall.

Well, it is a fact that Alberto Gonzales said that the attorneys were fired justly after poor performance and then turned around and admitted he really had no specific complaints to note and had performed no evaluation of these attorneys. Do I have any opinion on this?
I Can't Recall!

Um, I'm asking for a current opinion, not a recollection. Do I have an opinion?
I can't recall.

Was this a trial or was Alberto Gonzales looking for a sponsorship from some memory supplement? Now with Gingko Biloba!!!

I CAN'T RECALL! ! ! And this, this American understands with empathy and compassion. If there's one think we American's are lacking it's a decent memory.