Homosexuals and runny eggs

Funny exchange from the comments section on one of my youtube videos:

Although being an Atheist, I am homophobic. I just feel disgusted every time I see two men kissing.
L33tmoaf

@L33tmoaf There is nothing wrong with having a phobia. You are free to feel disgusted, as I am when I see runny eggs. It's when I start trying to stop others from enjoying runny eggs or telling lovers of runny eggs they can't get married that it becomes a problem.
klfly

Working On My Racism

So I've been working on my racism.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy being anti-racist, as I've been all my life but I realize that it's easy to not be a racist in our times of relative calm and stability (calm and stable where I live at least.) When/if the shit hits the fan people will factionalize right quick and those of us who were raised without being taught proper racist etiquette are gonna be screwed. We won't know what we're doing. I don't want to be caught off guard so I'm working on my racism now.

My racist heroes are my older relatives. They're so racist, they're even racist against other white people. "Oooh I hate those Irish Mick Bastards!" "Um... what are we Uncle Eddy?" "We're Scott-Irish." "Oh, okay. Screw them non-Scott Irish Bastards!" As a kid I told Uncle Eddy that it seemed to me Scott-Irish just meant Irish who decided they didn't like Ireland so they switched sides and became Scottish to which Uncle Eddy replied "Oh, ya want ta be Irish do ya? Ya better find yourself another fookin' uncle." That's awesome. He has a green belt in racism.

I don't want to jump the gun and start being racist before it's time but how do I practice? I've started with Lord of The Rings Racism. Oooh I hate them bastard Orcs. The Elfs are okay I suppose but I don't trust 'em. Hobbits, oh I've no use for the men, but Hobbit chicks are hot. So petite, and they look twenty for like twenty years! But a lot of Hobbit chicks date Orcs. Oh that makes me sick to see a hot Hobbit chick with one of them big, sleek, sexy, dangerous looking Orc bastards!!!!" Anyone else getting uncomfortable?

I hope nobody Trolls this post. (See that? Subtle yes?)

And eat it too...

Cake, one of my favorite bands, is from Sacramento, just like me and they've come to have a special significance in my life.

I worked with front man John McCrea and original bass player Shon Meckfessel at Greta's Cafe. My girlfriend actually left me and went on a roadtrip with Shon across the states and Europe. At least I get left big. World travel with a rockstar! Shit, I'd leave me too. She left me, Shon left cake. He was replaced by Gabe Nelson, another friend of mine who worked across the street from Greta's. And everyone in Sacramento knows and loves Vince their horn player.

I'm superstitious. I know, I know, a skeptic isn't supposed to be. It's not voluntary and on an intellectual level I resist it, but I can't help it. I'm only human, not that superstition is limited to humans. I'm only pigeon would work just as well if I could manage to grow some wings.

When I was miserably working away as an assistant manager at Petco, Cake would come on the overhead speakers. That was humbling. The guy I used to talk music with while washing dishes was now being played over the speakers while I wore a nametag by day and scrambled to get a few minutes of stage time here and there by night. He'd gone up and I'd taken a step down. It made it hard for me to enjoy listening to them for awhile. I felt frustrated with where I was compared to my old friends and then I felt bad for feeling anything but happiness for their success. I saw firsthand how hard they'd worked for it.

The first time I got to play the Improv in Hollywood, guess what our walk on music was? Yep, the sound man was a huge Cake fan, and their music never sounded as sweet as it did on that sound system in that packed room for a show that I produced and performed in. Ever since then, they've followed me. I'll be walking to a gig and a parked car will be blaring Cake with the windows rolled down. It seems every time I make a forward stride Cake is there to say "Good going Keith." Wow, Thanks Cake. You too. Hope to see you around. Oh, and hey, if you ever want to take a comic on the road... I know one. Um... I should probably add, I'm better at telling jokes than I was at doing dishes.

My Bucket List

Does it make me more of a pervert or just more honest that most of the items on my bucket list involve my penis?

MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER FOLKS! I meant like

1. Make sure not to hurt penis while sky diving.
2. Make sure not to hurt penis while racing motorcycles. 
3. Make sure not to hurt penis while doing lots of weird kinky stuff with penis, some of which may hurt penis.
4. Have sex with bucket, using my penis.
5. Visit the Louvre. (I said most.)

How the pee couch got it's name

ME: Dude, your girlfriend just pissed herself.
Other Comic: What?! No she didn't. She just spilled her beer.
ME: Through her urethra.

Tired of Telling Doctors What I Do For a Living

Dr: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a nightclub performer.
Dr: Oh yeah. You sing?
Me: No.
Dr: You're a comedian?
Me: No. I go to leather bars and nail my dick to a table for tips.
Dr: ... Your penis doesn't have any scars.
Me: You know magic isn't real right?

Steve O shows postponed

I was saddened to hear of Ryan Dunn's death this morning.
Not at all surprised to hear that the shows with Steve O at Sacramento Punch Line will be rescheduled. I was pretty sure it would be too much for him to go onstage and clown around this week. It sucks to lose a friend. I'll look forward to working with Steve O down the road.
I'll post the new dates as soon as they are locked down.

I REALLY like Louis CK

Me: NO, you didn't catch me masturbating to Maxim Mag's 100 Hottest Women. I was reading the Louis CK interview.

Wife: Then why is there lotion?

Me: ... I was masturbating to the Louis CK interview!

(For the record, this conversation never actually happened, but it could've.)
(Also for the record Nikki Minaj and Christina Hendricks were both WAY too low on Maxim's list.)
(Oh, and I honestly don't know why Maxim comes to my house. I didn't subscribe and I find it insulting to the intelligence but I can't resist glossy pictures of pretty ladies or interviews with awesome comedians.)

Management at last?

Her: So, you live in LA?
Me: No, I just say that on facebook while I shop for managers so they think I live in LA.... oh wait... you're a manager aren't you?
Her: Yes
Me: Yeah. I live in LA.

The above is a real conversation I had with a talent manager who saw me perform in Portland at The Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Yeah, I'm a moron, but apparently a funny one, in the opinion of this manager at any rate. We have a handshake deal but I'll avoid sharing any specifics until we've put a deal on paper. She's smart and friendly and is co-owner of a very cool small management company that has quite an impressive client list, one I will be very flattered to be included on. More news soon. YAY!

Kirk Cameron, Super Genius

Studies have shown that the higher your IQ the better you're likely to be at estimating your own IQ. So, if you have say, an IQ of 115, you might say "Well, I'm fairly smart but I'm no Stephen Hawking" whereas, if you're a former Growing Pains actor you're more likely to say "Hawking ain't so bright."