Is your roommate gay?

The following is an actual phone conversation that took place in the early 90s:

My landlord Mike: Keith, is your roommate gay?
Me: Yeah, Mike.
Mike: Why do you wanna live with a gay guy?
Me: I like the swishy way he always pays his rent on time.
Mike: Well the guys next door (Mike rented the house next to ours to a fraternity) said that he was on your back porch looking at their dicks.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, I'll look into that.
Mike: Please do. That's not okay.
Me: Right. One quick question though; What were their dicks doing out on the back porch? Could you find that out for me?
Mike: ... Make sure to get the rent check in on time.
CLICK

Maxine The Vampire Slayer

They were running every test known to man on my four year old daughter Max, because they do that with the wee ones, just to stay ahead of anything that might be going screwy. They needed a good amount of blood and when you're tiny you don't give too much blood at once. So, we arranged three visits in three days, with a sticker and a lollipop and the end of each.

Max did pretty well on visit one, sitting on mommy's lap. Visit two was a bit more of a fight. Visit three she was over it and resisted hard.

When the phlebotomist stuck the needle in her right arm and wasn't able to get any blood they announced they'd have to switch arms. Well Max wasn't having it. "YOU SAID THREE! YOU SAID THREE TIMES NOT FOUR!" and of course she was right. But her parents, traitors that we are, said "Come on Max, we're already here, lets get it done and you won't have to come back."

My wife had Max on her lap, was holding both of her hands, and had a leg wrapped around the front blocking Max's feet. The kid was secured like Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, she is also as crafty. One phlebotomist having already failed moved aside and another leaned in to try and draw the blood. She leaned over and my sweet daughter saw her opportunity; she headbutted the lab-coat clad lady in the face. Lab-coat had seen it coming and pulled back avoiding any real damage. I said, "Max, NO!" Ignoring me completely Max looked her enemy in the eye and said very clearly, "I will punch you in the face!" and when the vampire went back to trying to place the needle, Max said, "If you put that needle in my arm I will punch it out!"

At the time I was shocked and worried, but the more I thought about the less concerned I was. It was an extreme situation. They HAD in fact made a deal and reneged on it, and it's nice to know my kid can take care of herself. That headbutt was kind of beautiful really.

To put it more succinctly, yes, my daughter did headbutt a phlebotomist, but the fiend was trying to stab her!

A Visit From Jehovah's Witnesses

My wife politely let the two Jehovah's Witness ladies at our door know that we're atheists and then she invited them in because it was 103 out.

When they asked whose picture was on the wall my 4 year old daughter Max very matter-of-factly told them, "That's Louis Armstrong. He's not as good as my trumpet playing hero Dizzy Gillespie." Then she taught them all about dragons and dragon related accessories.

A Note From A Mother of An Angel

Some time ago a woman wrote me to very politely and very matter of factly let me know that I was mistaken, God is real, and we'll be united with our loved ones in heaven.

I clicked on her profile and saw that she was very active in Mothers of Angels groups. These are groups for people who've lost a child.

I felt a cringe and an ache seeing that they have special decals they put on their cars so the sticker of a mom, dad, and children can also reflect children who have died represented by an angel with halo and wings.
She had poems and remembrances all over her timeline memorializing her angel.

I wrote her back and said "Thank you very much for the information and concern."

SESSION, A Jazz and Comedy Jam

As the audience took their seats at San Francisco's Punch Line local bass man, Woody Camaro (AKA Andy Woodhouse) was already on stage setting the mood for the evening. As the lights came down, four comedians joined the musicians on stage and for the next 90 minutes jokes, short stories, and from the hip interactions between the funny folks and the musicians flowed forth. There were magic moments where it all hit together perfectly in way that could not have been pre-planned and can not be recreated.

Magic moments are sure to happen when we bring the show to the Sacramento Punch Line (2100 Arden Way, Sacramento, CA 95825) on July 23, 2014 at 8pm. $15 cover, 18 and over. Questions, interview requests, offers to share coffee, vegan baked goods or pictures of baby goats please call (310) 692-4495.

Featured performers:

Keith Lowell Jensen will release Atheist Christmas, his 4th hour long comedy special this year on Stand Up! Records. He has developed an international following online where he shares personal stories, absurd one liners, and lefty political/topical material.
He loves jazz but has failed, despite numerous efforts to learn to play an instrument. This show is his way of filling a desperate need to do something with the feeling he gets when listening to Monk, Mingus, Ellington, Pops, Dizzy, Bird, (this list will stop here, but could go on and on)

Alfonso Portela is well known and loved in music and comedy circles. He was a drummer, performer writer with the popular cabaret show Graham-A-Rama, and he plays with gypsy band, Red Skunk. Alfonso will serve as our bandleader but that won't stop him from grabbing the mic and doing some jokes from behind his drum set like a comedic Phil Collins but with more hair.






Lance Woods is one of the hottest, most sought after young comedians working today! His high-energy style, unique storytelling ability and clever punchlines give him universal appeal. He has performed at some of the top venues across the country as well as for U.S. Marine Corp troops in Japan. Lance Woods is truly a comic to watch!


Sacramento's Johnny Taylor uses sharp wit, and off-beat sensibilities to communicate his sometimes tragic life experiences in a hilarious way.

A dynamic performer, Johnny has established a reputation for displaying a wide range of comedic styles.

He has opened for some of the biggest names in stand-up comedy, including Robin Williams, Bobcat Goldthwait, Brian Posehn, Wayne Federman, and more.

Johnny is a regular at every major comedy club in Northern California, including the San Francisco Punch Line, Sacramento Punch Line, Cobb's Comedy Club, and 142 Throckmorton Theater, and was recently featured on Comedytime.TV.

Matt Lieb is a comedian, writer, actor and street musician/Bone Thugs-N-Harmony cover band. He was named “one of my all-time favorite Bay Area performers” by the award-winning SF blog Courting Comedy and described as “extremely talented, charmingly dark and genuinely pleasant.”

He won 2nd place at the 2004 KZSC Comedy Competition, but the guy who won 1st place no longer does comedy so Matt basically won 1st place. He also won 1st place at the 2013 Rooster-T-Feathers Comedy Competition, which was very validating for him.

Matt Lieb has opened for many legendary performers including W. Kamau Bell, Ryan Papazian, Jeff Anaya, and 3rd Eye Blind. He is also Glenn Danzig’s neighbor and Emmy-winner Camryn Manheim is a family friend.

He writes for Filmdrunk. He has also performed at the Los Angeles Comedy Festival, the Santa Cruz fringe festival, and the S.H.I.T.S & Giggles Comedy Festival in Arcata, California.

He has 960 followers on twitter. If you play your cards right, you could be 961.

Alex Reiff is a beloved bass man from Davis who studied Music/Jazz Studies at Sacramento State. When he's not jamming with comedians he can found on stage with the Jason Galbraith Quartet.

Surprise comedian drop ins are a sure thing.

I was almost REALLY creepy

Freshman year of high school. I thought I'd be hip moving to the small town of Roseville, CA from Corona, CA. I mean, Corona was closer to LA, so it was pretty much a guarantee that I'd be the coolest thing Roseville ever saw right?

Here's the thing; The kids in Roseville didn't know they weren't hip. That's the way hip works. And instead of adoration and admiration I got a lot of, "Are you wearing army boots? Are you a skinhead? I didn't even know there were gay skinheads. Ha ha, faggit." My favorite Overheard In Roseville quote from that time is "New Wave girls are girls who are already ugly so it doesn't matter if they look weird." I was in hell.

It took awhile to make friends and when I did it was with the biggest geeks in school, and this is before geek was chic. These guys were the best though and I cherish the memory of getting muddy playing really intense games of capture the flag in the creek, where my boots seemed perfectly appropriate, helping Mike with his model railroad set up, and laughing our asses off watching Late Night With David Letterman during sleep overs. I'd resisted for years, but it turned out geek suited me.

One of the members of the geek corps happened upon a porn tape. Pre-internet a porn tape was just about the greatest gift the universe could bestow upon a high school freshman. We all gathered at a latch key kid's house and gave it a screening. It was Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs. No clever name, I think they decided the original was dirty enough. We watched one scene. It involved a feather duster, no dwarfs, it was Snow's solo in the spotlight and it was glorious. We'd have given it a standing ovation but none of us felt comfortable standing.

Dave noticed that the back of the box advertised a deal to get a video a month on the cheap mailed right to us. We decided we'd pitch in and get a PO Box, open a checking account, and sign on up. This was exciting. This was some grown up shit. We started picking titles, discussing whose house was available at what time for screening parties. We could even alternate who got to have the tapes at home with 'em. Then Mike said, “Yeah! It'll be a porn club!”

That phrase sparked something in my brain. I had one of those “Moments of clarity” I've heard so much about. Looking at my lust filled friends I said, “Hey guys, I'm pretty sure that if we do this, we'll officially be really creepy.”

And the realization spread over them. We all said quick awkward goodbyes, headed our separate ways, and never mentioned the porn club again.

This White Guys Thoughts On Suey Park and #CancelColbert

My gut reaction was to find #CancelColbert ridiculous.

Then, as I read more I moved on to, "Oh, it was a misunderstanding. The joke was heard out of context."

While many people of color defended Colbert, there were enough condemning the joke, even after the context was clear, that I had the choice to either consider the complaint further or assume that THAT large a number of people of color either didn't understand satire and/or were hysterical and knee jerk and completely irrational. This seemed a poor assumption to make.

And while I considered Colbert's joke, I don't mean that I considered whether or not he should be cancelled (never Park's real goal) or whether he was intentionally being racist (I have no doubt his intent was the opposite) but wether it was a good joke or not, whether this particular joke might have been a miss.

This discussion went on in my brain. I may have talked with a few friends about it, but I did so privately. What I didn't do, was to immediately publicly condemn Suey Park and everyone else supporting #CancelColbert.

It seems to me that if an Asian woman finds a joke about racism against Asians (and about racism against Native Americans once context is added) offensive, the white guy should probably listen to her carefully and give her argument a lot of thought. The white guy should maybe not be SO quick to assume he knows more about racism than she does and should not be so quick to assume that she doesn't comprehend or that she is hysterical and irrational. When many other people of color feel the same, this is magnified. I feel like a white guy navigating discussion of racism might want to be slower to respond, more eager to listen, less cocky.

I am still not sure exactly where I stand, but it has affected the way I'll move forward with comedy about race. I feel like it will affect the way Colbert will move forward as well. What I do know is that whether I fully agree with Suey Park or not, the interviews I've heard and read that have actually allowed her to speak show us a very intelligent and thoughtful person. I have no doubt she understands satire and I don't have to necessarily agree with her to be glad that she is willing to push this conversation even against a huge effort on the part of many who rather than enter the conversation immediately seek to end it, often doing so with insults, threats, and other bullying. I am still a fan of Steven Colbert. I am now also a fan of Suey Park.

I hope that this incident strengthens the push against racist sports mascots. Imagine if the amount of energy that went into condemning Suey Park went into condemning the Redskins name and mascot, something I think Colbert and Park would both like to see come out of this.

4 Up, Round 1

It's simple really.
Four comics, each makes a joke, and each comments on the others' jokes.
Graphics by Torch Davison

Aparna Nanchurla's Joke

Johnny Taylor's Joke

Keith Lowell Jensen's Joke

(KLJ's Pic by Amy Scott)

 Myq Kaplan's Joke

(Myq's picture was shot by Mindy Tucker) 

Don Geronimo, some guy with a podcast

I said that Don G and I crossed paths as he was on his way down. Then he got canned in Sacramento. He scrambled and got another gig quickly, in DC. He got canned from that one in record time. His brand of mindless negativity is done. Now he has a podcast. Dang, decided to skip satellite and go straight to a subscriber based podcast. Far be it for me to take delight in another's failing... HA HA HA, I'm SO taking delight in watching this dudes fail.

Why I'm Not A Libertarian

My libertarian friends like to present themselves as the peace-niks, abhorring the violence of the tax man.

And I do see this violence. I see that they have no choice but to pay their taxes or people with guns will seize their property and/or incarcerate them.

I also see the violence strewn throughout human history of people hording resources and living lavishly while the masses starve, regardless of how hard they work. This phenomenon did not stop with modern capitalism, far from it. If it had, the “violent and oppressive” taxation, and wage and safety regulations would never have been necessary. People fought and died for these protections because they were so desperately needed.

So, given the choice between these two forms of violence, I see a clear choice.

Oddly enough this choice benefits those oppressed tax payers as well, as their position at the top is never more stable than when those at the bottom are well fed and cared for. 

I must ask; why is it okay to use force to stop us from murdering each other but not to stop us from starving each other?  

That said, I believe this first type violence that the libertarian wishes to avoid is in fact a fiction. The money they are made to pay tax on is not theirs. Do they really think it is? Would they support the right to pile it up and burn it? Money is produced by us, collectively, and it's value honored by us, all of us, collectively. It is a key ingredient in a system of resource distribution. They do not strike me as being forced to participate in this system against their will. They participate gleefully and masterfully benefiting from it more than anyone. They reap it's benefits, benefits never available so readily in any other system in human history and then they complain when they have to pay back into that same system and they call it violence. To put it another way, if you're making enough to be taxed, you're making more than has ever been possible for non aristocrats in any non-taxed system.

Do not be mistaken that I am stereotyping all libertarian's as excessively wealthy. The above character could be any tax payer. I am not a property owner, few people would consider me wealthy, but I am a tax payer and I'm proud to support the social safety net. 

I do have two friends who are opposed to paying taxes because they disagree with the American military industrial complex (as do I), but they honestly opt out. They earn so little income the tax man wants nothing from them. They live in a one bedroom apartment. They produce amazing low budget films, paintings, and rock and roll recordings. They educate homeless kids. Their choice and protest strikes me as sincere and in stark contrast to the libertarian complaining that their home or vehicles could be taken if they choose not to pay their taxes.

Another popular libertarian canard is the lazy, freeloading welfare recipient. The real leisure class somehow offends them not a bit but the statistical anomaly that is the welfare cheat is exaggerated to represent a whole class of people. 

A very important person to me got to spend her childhood not being homeless and malnourished because her mother had access to social programs. This mother may have made bad decisions at a young age or may have just had terrible luck, or perhaps a bit of each. Social programs allowed her to continue to feed her kids, all four of whom are now self sufficient adults, while allowing her to go to school and eventually become an amazing special education teacher who benefited our society greatly, while also earning a living and paying back into the system that caught her when she slipped and fell. Sorry if I end on a personal and emotional appeal but it is personal. The people who would face starvation, and violent non-gated communities, and a lack of opportunities are the people I love and interact with everyday, and one of those people is me. Another of those people is my daughter. It is personal. 

But you know I wouldn't leave you wanting. Here are some lovely numbers for you: 

In 2012 more than 47.8 percent of families receiving food stamp were working (the highest ever), and only 13.2 percent were welfare recipients with no working adults, according to the US Department of Agriculture.

The USDA reported that, "76% of SNAP households included a child, an elderly person, or a disabled person. These vulnerable households receive 83% of all SNAP benefits."

Of our uninsured families, 78 percent have at least one working person in the family and 62 percent have one or more individuals working full time.

Sources: http://www.offthechartsblog.org/five-things-you-probably-dont-know-about-food-stamps/

http://feedingamerica.org/how-we-fight-hunger/programs-and-services/public-assistance-programs/supplemental-nutrition-assistance-program/snap-myths-realities.aspx