Fuck You, fan mail.

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Atheist Christmas: Advent

Atheist Christmas: Nativity

Atheist Christmas: Tree

A Bible for The Kid!

Q: Is it okay if we get your daughter a bible with her name on it for Christmas? Asking because we don't want to disrespect your beliefs.

A 1: Sure. And hey, I have a copy of "Letter to a Christian Nation" by Sam Harris for your kid. I wrote her name on it with glitter, you know, for Christmas.

A 2: Oh My God! Have you actually read that book? SOOOOOOO not appropriate for children.

A 3: No. I appreciate the thought and even more, I appreciate you checking with us. We'd prefer to wait until she's a bit older than 4 before discussing how crazy we think pretty much everyone else is.

I went with a gentler version of #3.

Poopin' Reindeer and Atheists Celebrating Christmas

"No, you're not Christian, you can't celebrate Christmas. You gotta take the good with the bad."

This is just admitting that there is a considerable amount of bad. Like I've found some life-hack and you feel cheated. "You can't have all that guilt free masturbation AND get your annual gift wrapped copy of America's Best Comics. No. It takes 52 Sundays of getting up early to be bored out of your skull by someone who has no business being on a stage except that he excels at self righteousness before you're qualified to get new guitar strings and a reindeer who poops chocolate covered raisins in a fluffy red sock. You can't just march in here for the good stuff!"

I do have to hand it to you Christians, I love that reindeer. I just hold that thing up to my face, making it poop out the little treats right into my mouth as my family laughs and laughs. Happy Birthday Baby Jesus. 

Dildo Nose Art

Here's a rerun:

My dad asked what movie we wanted to rent. My oldest brother, John, suggested Clockwork Orange.

"We're not getting Clockwork Orange!"

"Dad, it's an art movie!" John pleaded. I didn't know Clockwork Orange but I did know that "art movie" often meant nudity, and my interest was piqued.

"A guy running around with a dildo on his face isn't art!" Dad grumbled. Okay, movie added to my must see list.

"What's a dildo?" my mom asked in her thick Brooklyn accent, triggering a fit of giggles from her five sons.

"SHUT UP!" Dad snapped before explaining calmly to Mom, "It's an artificial penis." triggering more giggles.

"Why do you all know that?!" Mom asked, unleashing a storm of laughs Dad knew better than to even try to quell.

It would be another couple of years before I got to see Clockwork Orange. Totally worth the wait.

Run

I was having a run at the Y.
A man with a red tipped white cane found his way to the treadmill next to mine. He folded up his cane, an employee assisted him with pushing buttons to get the machine started, and then he was running along next to me.
Then he started to laugh. And then he laughed harder. He was running and laughing and it was contagious and I began to laugh. And the man on the other side of him began to laugh. And the three of us ran, and laughed, and ran. And then he yelled, still laughing, "I USUALLY CAN'T RUN!" And we all laughed harder still, and cried too.
It was the best run of my life, and I still think of him sometimes when I'm out for some exercise and I appreciate how great it feels to just run.

DWP not as dangerous as DWB.

Another comedian, my friend Johnny, and I had a gig in Mill Valley, a very wealthy neighborhood North of San Francisco. As we were leaving a cop pulled me over. He seemed pleasant enough as he came to my window.

"You know why I pulled you over?" he asked, as they do.

Yeah, because I'm a driving a 10 year old Toyota Corolla in Mill Valley, I thought. "No officer, was I speeding?" I said.

"No, but you didn't stop at that stop sign back there."

You mean the one I just stopped at?, I thought. "Oh, I must not have seen it." I said.

"No problem. So, what brings you to Mill Valley?" he asked, confirming my suspicion.

We're looking for rich old ladies to rob, I thought. "We're comics. We just performed at the theater." I said.

"Oh, great, great. You're performers. Let me run your license real quick and we'll get you on the road." He then ran my license, found me warrant free and told us to have a nice night. No ticket, though I'd supposedly run a stop sign.

I'd been pulled over just for being poor in a rich neighborhood. "Damn!" I said to Johnny as I pulled away from the curb, this must be what black people feel like." Then I thought for a minute and added "... I mean, except for that part where he let us go."

Johnny seemed distracted. I'm pretty sure he was looking for old ladies to rob.

I lose a phone face off for the first time

"Do you have room to take on more work?"
No.

"Don't you want to make more money?"
No. We have too much money. It's everywhere. I have a full time employee who just goes around shoveling it into drawers, burying it, finding places to put it. I tried buying everyone ice cream. Turns out ice cream isn't that expensive.

"I think the solution is to make more money."
Yeah, well, the cash is always greener on the other side. I'm telling you it's awful. Have you ever gotten a paper cut from a dirty $500 bill?

"No, I haven't. I take it you get a lot of these calls?"
Yes, I do.

"I can guarantee you I'm different than anyone else who has called you."
Well so far you sound really similar including that part about being different.

She didn't give up. I finally said "No thanks but I admire your tenacity." and hung up myself. First time I've been beat.