Shameful Confessions; Music Edition

Shameful confession #1: I like New Order more than I like Joy Division. A lot more.

Shameful confession #2: Comedy friends Danielle Mandella and John Ross made me listen to Maroon 5 and I enjoyed them and even compared them to Michael Jackson.

Shameful confession #3: The first time I heard Never Mind The Bullocks I thought "This sounds like shit. The producer should be slapped."

Shameful confession #4: On the same day that I bought The B-52s' "Wild Planet" and The Talking Heads "Little Creatures" I also purchased Sting's 1st solo album and liked it as much as the other two.

Shameful confession #5: Hanson, "Mmmbop", love it.

Shameful confession #6: Thought Black Sabbath was something to be laughed at until late into my twenties when a musician friend yelled at me and made me promise to give them another listen.
Shameful confession #6 and 1/2: I like Ozzy's Crazy Train better than anything he did with Sabbath.

Shameful confession #7: Steely Dan, I don't get it. I've tried, more than once. I just don't get it.

Shameful confession #8: Once hated The Smiths, currently one of my favorite bands, so much that I'd ask that they not be played in my presence.

Shameful confession #9: I once said I liked all music except country and disco. And I defined country as anything slightly folksy, blue grass, etc. I defined disco as anything too blatantly non-white. Yes, this is a big one. Be kind, I was very young.

Shameful Confession #10: Listening to Jimi Hendrix is, for me, like watching a really great juggler. Amazing show of skill but no emotional resonance whatsoever.

I hope you enjoyed my musical shameful confessions. Maybe I'll do fashion ones next but I'll have to drag up pictures for that. Yes, I WAS a white kid TRYING to have dreadlocks once.

Fuck Timothy Leary

She was sitting on the still wet ground outside of Peet's Coffee and Tea with several backpacks, a garbage bag filled with clothes and one of those silly plastic skateboards with roller blade wheels and a hinge in the middle. I figured her to be the child of working class parents. Maybe her folks were assholes, maybe they were very nice people who missed their daughter. They could even be both I suppose.

Her hat was flipped up and on the bill she'd written "Tune in, turn on, drop out."

I wanted to tell her "Hey, the guy that popularized that saying had a fucking book deal! And a nice degree to fall back on. Don't listen to that trust fund asshole."

Then I though of her peers, most of whom were probably studying subjects they didn't care about on their way to work jobs they hated as they watched the years race by at amazing speeds.

So, I bought her something warm to drink and shared more practical advice. "Hey, having this drink in your hand they have to let you sit inside where it's dry and warm."

She said "Thanks man." in a really sincere voice that made me want to give her a hug. I drove back to my shitty job. Fuck Timothy Leary.

How to debate internet style

It's time that someone mapped this out. Enjoy.

When you state your opinion be sure to make it clear that all other opinions are bullshit. It's even better when you call anyone that would hold these other, idiotic opinions an idiot (you may substitute your insult of choice for idiot. Be creative.) It works for Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Wally George and it can work for you.

Use MANY words to state your point, but be clear that it's effortless to you. Make it clear that brilliance just pours from your fingerprints and that, while your words are gospel, the exchange of words on something as meaningless as a blog, facebook, twitter, is of no importance to you whatsoever. We're fortunate you're troubling yourself to share it.

The internet is not a place for serious discussion. Engage in exchanges but then make it clear that anyone who expects normal rules of discussion to apply doesn't understand the internet which has apparently, at some point, been deemed unfit for anything other than supplying our porn, handling our finances and pretending to have a bigger impact on society than any other innovation in the last century.

Announce yourself the victor in any debate. Nothing marks the winner quite so clearly. The winner is always the guy saying, "I'm the winner."

That's all for now, I'm the winner.

Joan Rivers at The Crest

Sid, did get to get a pic. Lucky bitch.

My consolation prize from the booker for the Joan Rivers show at The Crest was a front row seat which I sure appreciated. Admittedly I'm more of a Bob Newhart kind of guy then a Don Rickles or Joan Rivers kind of guy but I thought she put on a fantastic show. When she made a joke about her husband's suicide, and getting his ring and his watch in her mouth before his head hit the ground I gasped! Wow. Nobody can accuse her of being tougher on anyone else than she is on herself.

On the way out the older woman who sat next to me said she didn't get a certain joke about somebody named Shwartz. I told her "It's not the name. The joke is that the winner of a Porn Academy Award for Snuff Porn wouldn't be there to collect their trophy." She says, "What's snuff porn." I told her "I'm not willing to take your innocence. You'll have to Google it."

I hung out after hoping to get in on the meet and greet. Don Geronimo comes walking out and I asked him politely as possible, "Can I get a picture with you Mr. Geronimo?" I figured, standing face to face, we could maybe put the bullshit aside and move on, make nice. Nope. He starts toward me to take the picture then recognizes me and his face freezes. His wife, sensing danger says "Let's just go Don." and he says "Why don't you write more letters to my advertisers." Cool, nice to hear that's been effective. I have only shared with his advertisers actual quotes of things he has said on radio. It's not my fault he said them and he should be proud to stand behind them. At any rate I plan on filling his request and I hope you will too. I have to say I was surprised to see HOW angry he was. He's coming from the position of power here so I'm amazed that I actually got to him. Bizarre?

Janet, Joan and my future BFF

I said the feud was over and I meant it. But I had this accidental run in with him and wanted to share it. Hopefully someday we can get that pic. Whenever you're ready Don... I'll be there.

Tony, who actually opened for Joan and who writes for her told me how bad he felt to take the spot. I told him to knock that off. He did what any comedian SHOULD do when offered such a spot say yes. Say hell yes. Good job Tony. And thanks for being a really nice, gracious person. I really hope you took my advice and didn't just go to Denny's.

As I left, carrying the stool that I had borrowed from Tommy T's to be used on stage (Thanks Tommy T's) I went out the stage exit and there was Joan Rivers. I said a polite hello, told her I enjoyed the show and beat it. She was cool, especially being addressed by a strange man in an alley carrying a stool.

The promoter has promised me another gig and the one I'm hoping to get, the one he's working on getting me, I'm really excited about. We'll see.

Celebrating My Birthday Belatedly with Dad and Sadie

Hanging out with Max at my Dad's house. 

Finally made it out to Dad and Sadie's with Bryna and Max to celebrate my birthday. Chocolate cake and presents and brunch. I'm at least part gay, I really love brunch.

Bridgetown Here I Come

What a great way to cap off an awesome week. I got tons of free publicity on the radio, heard from several new fans that heard my knock knock joke on the AM, had a few days off to hang out with my baby girl and my lovely wife and I wake up this morning to an email from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival that started with the words "We're excited to extend an invitation to you to perform in this year's festival." AWESOME! The festival in the past has featured Patton Oswalt, Janeane Garofalo, Moshe Kasher and many other favorites of mine! STOKED!
http://bridgetowncomedyfestival.com/

But you CAN help

At this blog because you love Don G and hate me?
Here because you love me and hate Don G?
Cool. I'm glad so many people are hitting this blog at such an important time. Let's do what this culture does when bad shit happens in the world and break all records for individual giving.
You CAN help: Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 from your phone

The Master and The Pilgrim

(Finally migrated my fiction blog. Read more here.)

"Oh exalted one, we present before you now a pilgrim who has been through the trial of endless desert, who has scaled the 1,000 steps of enlightenment, he has endured every test of faith, soul and body and has earned an audience with your holiness."

The master listened as the young man who stood before him was introduced. Despite all he'd been through, all he'd endured, he still showed a hint of nervousness, or was it because of all that he'd invested in this moment that his lip quivered ever so slightly and his forehead was dotted tiny beads of sweat. He was disciplined, had to give him that. His stance was perfectly steady, his gaze did not shift.

"Thank you brother." The master said excusing the devoted priest who'd excorted the young man this far. It was as many words as anyone had heard him speak. He led by listening as he sat upon his mat in deep contemplation for hours at a stretch.

Now, alone in the room with a pilgrim who had been watched by all over the last two years, since it was first noticed that he was making it through the ordeals more rapidly than any other in the history of the faith. That it seemed he would make it all the way was exciting beyond measure, but that he would do it without ever once having to repeat a trial inspired a sort of fanaticism amongst the throng of believers, usually not prone to such emotion.

"So, you've made it through every ordeal?"

"Yes master."

"Uh… wow. Congratulations, that's… that's amazing."

The disciplined and intense young man stood perfectly still. He was not asked a question and so, he did not offer a response.

"Um, okay… listen, the thing is, it's great that you got here, that you made it, we all applaud you. I look forward to finding you a great place within the ministry and I think its safe to say, you'll be well compensated for your… your um… your ministry."

The two men sat in intense silence. The young man began to wonder if this was another test, another ordeal. He stood, still and stared straight ahead. He would pass it.

"Uh, that's it. Thanks. Look, I'm not playing or speaking in riddles or anything, we're cool here. Let's see if we can't find you a prayer mat eh? I'll call Brother Kelly back in," and as the master took a deep breath, prepared to holler for his most faithful dedicated follower to return the young man spoke.

"I need to know. What does it all mean? I went through all of those ordeals, the night of one hundred odors, the week of truly awful films, and I still don't get it. I'm sorry, but I just, I just don't feel any closer to understanding what it all means; Why I'm here, why I exist, why here exists."

"Oh, that, yeah, well... um... Meaning is meaningless in the eyes of a goat. He just wants to eat your sweater."

"What?!"

"Okay, look kid, I'm gonna level with you. It's really quite easy. It doesn't mean jack. It's all biological imperative."

"I don't understand?"

"Biological imperitive. It's about progeny living on, a bit of you living on. It's what the plants are all about, the ants too, the birds, and us. We just want to make something that carries on."

"So thats your great wisdom? Jjust have a bunch of babies!"

"No, no, no. Kid you're getting all worked up. Listen, it might be your babies, or it might be your ideas, the influence you peddle. The books, art, music, poetry, technology, whatever your thing is man. You want to make it and you want it to live on."

"That's awful."

"No it's not."

"It is."

"No, really it's not."

"Look, if that's what its all about, then why be moral. Why not rape and kill and plunder? As long as it's for the good of me and mine it's all good yeah?"

"It would seem that way wouldn't it?"

The young man looked particluarly distressed and dissappointed.

The master continued hastily, "But no, it's not really that way... because, you see... Well for instance, lets say you write a book. You're book won't be read anymore if the neighbors you piss off are burning down our libraries right? You're kids won't fair too well if the planet can't support life, will they? A more peaceful and healthy planet is the most selfish thing we can hope for, for me and mine, you and your's, them and there's. In the long term doing whats best for us all has its rewards."

The two men stood, staring at each other, one smiling, one not as a breeze carried the scent of burning Pop Tarts from another room. At last the pilgrim spoke.

"So that's it?"

"That's it."

"Well then why the two dozen nights of itchy beddings or the three hours of cable News viewing. I suffered through "The ordeals" so that you could tell me, biological imperative?"

"No. I didn't need to tell you biological imperative any more than I needed to tell the newts. You were already livin' it. Look, we never meant for you to get through all that crap. That stuff was there to not kill you, while making you stronger, and keeping you praying and paying. Fact is you're either smart enough to get that being a dick is bad news or you're not and we weren't going to do much to help you, but hopefully we keep some of the dicks busy for awhile."

"You believe in some kind of pre-ordainment or something? You don't believe that people can learn?"

"Well… not quite. Let me put it this way kid. A higher level intelligence has not yet really proven itself to be a biologically successful trait. Of course I, much like the average dodo bird, think that my traits are the ones that should live on, and so I do the best for me and mine as you say, but the truth is there are a-lot of dumb people out there and they're pretty good at taking care of the biological imperative, at least in the short run. We'll see. Just do what you can, and we'll see, eventually."

And now the master, whose name is actually Ron, noticed his guest clenching his jaw and fist, tears forming in his eyes. Maybe he'd overestimated this pilgrim.

"Hey, look buddy, we're going to give you a good position here and there'll be plenty of time for more study. Maybe I'm wrong. Shit, maybe there is something to be found. You'll have plenty of time to find it."

It seemed it was too late for these words. The tears came, the shoulders hunched. "It's meaningless. It's all scam. I should tell everyone. I'd love to see you off your damn mat, standing in the unemployment line." And then the silence was back. The two men sat, neither uttering so much as a word for an excruciating fifteen minutes.

At last, the young pilgrim spoke in a calm, peaceful voice, "So... this position in the ministry… is there a good retirement plan? And what about flex time?"

An Open Letter to Don Geronimo

Don G.,

A feud can be fun. Entertaining for all. You talked some shit, I talked some shit back (and really Don, could a guy like you respect someone who didn't throw it back when gone after?)

It should have stayed at the level. Sling some insults, etc. Several fans that we have in common were telling me about past people you feuded with who are now friends and I thought, that's cool, maybe that could happen.

But you, even though you're in the business and habit of messing with people couldn't handle it coming back at you and elevated it to the point of attacking my livelihood. You encouraged your listeners to harass me at my shows and then you contacted Joan Rivers. You may never admit it publicly but you know, as does anyone who bothers to read Joan's response on Twitter, that you did NOT get me pulled from that show. It was a misunderstanding as the booker didn't know she had her own opener. But your intent WAS to cost me that show. I've worked very hard in an extremely competitive business to get to where bookers are putting me on such gigs. For you, because of a little shit talking to even try to undermine that makes you a sad, pathetic individual. It was taking this too far and it's completely inappropriate. Yes, I did encourage letters to your station, but only in response to the actions described above and only to express the same sentiments.

So, I'm done with our feud. My revenge will just be my continued success and happiness chasing this dream and working with amazing, creative people who are also chasing theirs as we keep things positive.

Did you win Don? Sure. You got to me. Congratulations. From a position of power you went after someone much lower on the totem pole then yourself and you succeeded in making him feel like he never should've messed with something so filthy and disgusting lest he get the stink on himself as well. You got me to wallow for a moment in the muddy place where you exist. You went after the means that I use to try and make the best life I can for me and my family. And yes, you got me to step away first. Congratulations. You're a vicious, nasty, mean-spirited man and I feel a huge relief at being done with you and a slowly fading regret at ever interacting with you in the first place.

Sincerely,
Keith Lowell Jensen

PS: I've got more big gigs coming. I hope your listeners do come and buy tickets. It would be nice to interact with them without you there to hang up on me before I can say my piece.

Don Geronimo Saga Continues

For those telling me to thicken my skin, thanks for the concern. I'm fine. I'm actually enjoying this. Fighting back is not the same as crying and licking your wounds. I'm not hurt or upset. I grew up with four brothers. I don't mind a good sparing match.

Don should be embarrassed at letting an obscure comedian get so much of his time and attention. The more he talks about how little I am, what a nobody I am, the more pathetic it is that he's going after me. And as little as I may be, I'm three times as big as I was two years ago. Don can't deny his career has gone the other direction. He shouldn't throw stones.

As for me, what do I have to lose? Most of his more rabid fans would never have liked my material anyway and I'm getting all kinds of exposure to people who wouldn't have heard of me who do like it. You'd be amazed how many emails and letter I've gotten praising the youtube clip with the knock-knock joke. Several people have told me that they're Don fans and they want me to stop fighting with him because they like my comedy now that they've checked it out. I'm doing an interview with a college station in Maine this week (way more my audience) and I've been interviewed by two different print publications so far. Thanks Don, couldn't have done it without you.

As for Joan Rivers, yes, I'm HUGELY disappointed but the gig was cancelled Monday morning long before Don's idiocy toward me kicked into high gear. Turns out she's bringing her own opening act. The promoter has another show for me which I'm very excited about. More details as it gets confirmed.

To the more rabid of Don's fans, stop for a minute and think for yourselves. What did I really do here?

1. I did a comedy show where I tried my best. Don didn't like it but I certainly gave it my all. Hell for the sake of this argument lets go ahead and say I sucked. So that's crime one, not being a good comic but trying hard anyway as I chase my dreams.
2. I defended myself when Don decided to insult me AND the other comics who I know as a fact did great, on air.

That's it. I did a crappy comedy act (Not according to the crowd who bought out my CDs but in Don's opinion) and I defended myself from someone who makes a living attacking people.

Come on now. I'm just a guy trying to be the best father, husband and comic he can, in that order. I'm not a bad person. What would you have done in my shoes? Maybe not the same thing, but do I deserve this level of hate? I didn't do anything violent or racist. I wasn't cruel to the downtrodden. I just defended myself when a talk radio guy attacked me. Period.

Thicken your skin Don. You're letting a nobody get you all worked up.