New Years

Happy last day of 2006.
I'm still working on that orgy stoppin' story. Soon, I promise.
In the meanwhile I am readying myself to make the most of the symbolic fresh start that is New Years. I don't often have resolutions, but I'm pretty serious about them this year.

My resolutions:

• Eat better. More vegetables, less sugar.
• Keep my house clean. For real. Got to get better at this one.
• Start producing weekly, or at least monthly, youtube videos. Yeah. Woo Hoo.
• Get my book, the big one, published.
  
• Read more.
  

Wish me luck.

Story Later Today

I gotta do some catching up at work, but I do have a new story in the works about the time I was enlisted to stop the orgy from happening. I'll have it up later today.

My book on Sac Bee's To Do list

The to-do list
By Rachel Leibrock - Bee Staff Writer
Story appeared on 12/26/06 in SCENE section, Page E3

Local comedian-blogger-author Keith Lowell Jensen has self-published a book of short stories, prose and poems.
Sacramento Bee file, 2004/Florence Low

Holy moly: The holidays are winding down, but it's not too late to indulge in local comedian- author-blogger Keith Lowell Jensen's new book, "Oh Holy Day and Other Stories." This self-published tome is a 50-page collection of short stories, prose and poems. Don't pick it up expecting some "It's a Wonderful Life"-style warm-and-fuzzies, however. Jensen's known for his skewed take on reality and an off-kilter, dipped-in-acid sense of humor -- and, frankly, most of the works here are neither holy nor holiday-esque. The $10 book is available locally at the Book Collector, Body Tribe Fitness and the Crest Theatre. For more information: www.myspace.com/keithlowelljensen.

If you'd like to buy my book, use the donate button (in the right column of this page) to send me $12 bucks, which includes a $2 charge for shipping. Thanks, KLJ

Loss

I lost two friends over this weekend.

Vivian, the office manager where I work had struggled with respiratory illness for some time, in and out of the hospital. She had several close calls but always bounced back. She was a tough one.
I will miss listening to her sisters laughing to the point of tears as she told one of her stories. She was an expert on letting them get just to the edge of recovering from a fit of giggles and then plunging them back into laughter with the next line.

I was walking out of the office one day, teasing her as I went about her collection of angels. "Why are all the angels white?" I asked my Latina friend. "Aren't there any Hispanic angels?"

She didn't miss a beat. "Just one." she answered, smiling.

My boss called me Christmas Eve to let me know that Vivian had died. I had weird dreams all night about coming back to work.

When I came in this morning I found out that one of our salesmen Danny Peoples also passed on Saturday.

I wrote a poem about Danny last year around this time. Danny lived through strokes and heart attacks and countless knee surgeries and dialysis and he just would not stop working. I loved talking with Danny. Death is bad, life is good, work hard, be a good person. Danny had it figured out.

Some weekend. Sheesh.

Eddie Izzard Christmas (and Easter to boot)

Here's some Eddie Izzard holiday themed goodness for you, because nothing says Christmas like a funny transvestite.



See more of my favorite comedy videos here.
Buy Eddie Izzard here:
Dress to Kill

Mr. Bean's Christmas

I love Mr. Bean. So many folks I talk to have only seen the terrible movie and so the they don't know, THEY JUST DON'T KNOW. So here is some very funny Bean. Enjoy.


See more of my favorite comedy videos here.
See more Bean Christmas videos here.

Buy Bean Here: Mr. Bean - The Whole Bean (Complete Set)

Sorry about the boobs...

Xuxa, yes, it's a kid's show! ! !
People innocently searching for images of Santa are being forced to look at my boobs.

I have a picture of a topless woman on my porn article. In my archives it ends up on the same page as some Santa mentions, and now, well meaning folks who just want a pic of jolly St. Nick for their Holiday bloggin' are not being able to resist the temptation that is these boobies. My hit counter is lighting up with hits from google image searches for Santa.

The funniest though is the person who searched for "Xuxa porno please". I think its absolutely adorable that this guy (or gal) thought to say please when seeking out pics or video or maybe just graphic descriptions of the most lovely of South American Kid's Show hosts gettin' down and dirty for the cameras. I'm a little ticked that they didn't send me a Thank You after reading my bit about Xuxa. True I don't have any porno of her, but I do carry a couple of cute pics. Regardless, polite googler, wherever you are, You're Welcome!

Another agent lookin' at my book

Well, I applied for another rejection slip yesterday. Not that I'm really that pesimistic. I'm working to keep myself from getting too invested in each agent I submit too. The method here is to start at the top with the big shot agents I have very little chance at getting and work my way down. This agent is higher up the ladder than the last one I submitted to. I sent her my querry letter and I guess it grabbed her interest as she requested to see more within thirty minutes of getting it. So, I sent her my excerpts and the book itself via e-mail.
She's on holiday until after the New Year so my hope is that she got my material on time and is taking it home with her. Wish me luck.

What are these agents like anyway? Are they like agent Smith in The Matrix? Or more like Agent 99 from Get Smart? I would like a combination. A whole gang of Agent 99s that would attack me...WITH KISSES! .... um I'd better go now.

Call Robert Berry for Me

Robert Berry of Retrocrush.com is the devil. See the picture, that's proof. He is the devil.
He promised to hype my book, after making me do naughty things involving caramel corn and an arc welder. But he's being awful slow about making anything happen, and I'm all out of pop corn.
SO, call this number
916-231-9480
It's the hotline # for his podcast. Leave him messages urging him to help old Keith Lowell Jensen to make some money. Tell him I've been eating out of your garbage, pimpin' your Barbies and otherwise behaving badly as only one POOR ass bastard can. Beg him to hype my book so I can quite being so annoyingly poor.
If we're clever and entertaining enough maybe he'll use it on his next uber-popular popcast. If not, well let's at least annoy the hell out of the creep.

UPDATE: It would seem to be working. I'm on the front page of RetroCrush.com. But keep calling. I'm hoping for your calls to be featured in a podcast.

Happy Birthday Bryna

Photoshop fun by my dad.
Today is my sweetheart's birthday.
I love her dearly.
She is enjoying the i-pod that we bought her. Her family and I all chipped in and she was TOTALLY surprised.
I will of course be lonely as I lose her to the i-pod for awhile. But eventually she'll have time for me again, so I wait patiently.
Tonight we go see Jonathan Richman. WOO HOO! ! !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYNA! ! !

Currently Reading /Listening To/ Watching:
I, Jonathan

World War Z

Max Brooks RULES. His Zombie Survival guide was great. Bryna and I, thanks to that book, keep Zombie holocaust foremost in our minds when planning our dream home. World War Z is pretty damn cool too. Here's the review I wrote, appearing in this weeks News and Review.

"If you’re reading this, you must have survived. It may seem too soon to look back at what went wrong and what went right as we all struggled with the terror of the dead refusing to stay dead. But now, as we come to terms with the fact that our lives are forever changed and work to stamp out the last of the undead hordes (be they frozen in the arctic or creeping across the ocean floor), the time is right for examining the past--so as to choose a better future. Max Brooks gives us this opportunity. As the author of the first Zombie Survival Guide, Brooks is uniquely qualified to present the stories of World War Z’s veterans. That he was appointed by the United Nations to do so gave him unprecedented access and the credentials to reach even the most reclusive of survivors. Know this: You’re not alone."

When this book comes out in paperback I'll buy a gross and hide 'em under the gideon bibles at hotels. :)

Currently Reading /Listening To/ Watching:

Yay, I have my book

12/18/06: Hi folks coming over from Retrocrush. To buy the book, click the donate button in the right column. Joe Beggar (that's me) will need $10 + $2 to cover Shipping and you'll get your smut, er, I mean literature. And just because he gave in and hyped my book doesn't mean you can't still be part of my "Annoy Robert" campaign. CLICK HERE to see what I mean.

Yeah. I got my books. See, that's me, with my books. I got 100 of the little suckers. You got none. Let's even things up a bit.

If you live in Sacramento please go buy a copy from The Book Collector on 24th Street between J and K Streets. They're great folks and they do a-lot to support local writers.

You can also pick up a copy at Body Tribe Fitness on 21st Street or at The Crest Theatre on K Street.

You can also get the book by paypaling me $12 (includes $2 shipping). Just hit the donate button on the right to get me the dough.

I was on the radio and I read a piece from the book. To listen to that click here. Runnergirl over at SacRag.com heard the interview, and said nice things. Thanks Runnergirl. Click here to read those nice things.

Hear me on NPR UPDATE

Today, Tuesday, I'll be on KXJZ's show, Insight with Jeffrey Callison promoting my book. For more information click here.
And if you want the book by Christmas buy now. We're getting down to the wire for Christmas delivery. Click here to order.

Merry Stinkin' Christmas

Last year, around this time, I went out panhandling as Santa.

That was some good times there.

I didn't make much money but I gave out some candy canes and I wore my girlfriend's pink sweat pants, so, you know, all was merry and what not.

I figured with Christmas here again and all it'd be fun to revisit.

Check it out by clicking here.
Lots more pictures with several different signs.

Another Couple of Poems

I'm reading Celine again. Bukowski calls him the greatest writer that ever lived. I certainly am enjoying him.

And these two pieces are directly inspired by Death On The Installment Plan.

Click the title to read:
The Mayans
A poem from my trip down to Belize and Guatemala
or
What Should Have Happened
I was thinking that it would be cool to write my life story as it would have been if I'd taken every chance that I've ever passed on.

My dad stumbled across my poetry blog. He called me to tell me that my poems aren't poems. I like that. I write poems that aren't poems. Works for me. Hope you enjoy 'em.

The New Shins Album

Just got an advanced copy. WOO HOOOOOOO! So far so good. I'll post more when I've had multiple listens. I hope the cops don't kick in my door and arrest me for having the album a month before it's released. I've never done this before, but gosh dernit, The Shins have kept us waiting long enough already. I will buy the album once it comes out. No, for real, I'm serious.

Also listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, who remind me of early Brian Eno era Talking Heads, and Arcade Fire who are oh so dramatic but in a mostly really great way.

I'm putting together my end of the year list, since everyone but me did one last year. So far TV On The Radio, Belle and Sebastian and The Coup are all in. Any suggestions as to things I MUST hear before the year ends are so very welcome.

Oh, and you can advance order The Shins new one here.

Thanks for the support

Folks in the last month have been using my amazon links to reach amazon.com before doing some shopping. Thanks. That helps out a-lot and it's most appreciated.

Letter To A Christian Nation

“Thousands of people have written to tell me that I am wrong not to believe in God. The most hostile of these communications have come from Christians. This is ironic, as Christians generally imagine that no faith imparts the virtues of love and forgiveness more effectively than their own. The truth is that many who claim to be transformed by Christ’s love are deeply, even murderously, intolerant of criticism. While we may want to ascribe this to human nature, it is clear that such hatred draws considerable support from the Bible. How do I know this? The most disturbed of my correspondents always cite chapter and verse.”

I finished reading Sam Harris' Letter To A Christian Nation and it's a worthwhile read, but not the great atheist hope that some have billed it as. My biggest problem with Harris is that he embraces a-lot of the same anger and fear that turn me off amongst the religious folks. He reaches out to Christians partialy by addressing the one thing they may have in common with atheists; a fear of Muslims. From here he points out that the obvious irrationality of Islam applies to Christendom as well. An interesting angle, but I think he misses one point as he describes the threat of the fast growing Islamic movement. He says it's not about being poor and undereducated, and cites individuals who were well educated and successful yet still willing to martyr themselves. In my view, individuals will always be present who are willing to subscribe to extreme views, but the more comfortable a populace is the less willing the masses will be to subscribe to beliefs that threaten that comfort. He himself points out the violent history of Christ's followers and the ease with which the Bible has been used to justify this violence and yet we've seen that the majority of Christians have become much less willing to take up arms (even if many are still a bit too willing to let others take up arms in their name and with their money).
I do not fear Islam as much as I fear the haves continuing to screw with and agitate the have nots in a way that has always led to a lack of stability for everyone. Harris sees a threat in the various world religions continuing to war with one another and in the fundamentalist masses supporting a Church/state. I agree that this is a frightening and real prospect, but I still feel very strongly that fighting poverty is the way to fight fundamentalism.

That said, this book makes some very strong arguments and is a great Christmas present for the agnostic or atheist in your life. It'd be a great present for any Christians you know who like to keep their debating skills sharp. When the book comes out in paper back I will buy a gross, and hide copies beneath the Gideon Bible whenever I stay at hotels.

Adventures in LA

After watching Brett deal with the Country Music Television people I was ready for the worst from the Spike TV People. The CMT camera man and the producer kept fighting and they wanted to see Brett's reptiles eating rats and looking mean. If the Lizard Boy could've gotten his tortoise to drive over the black throat monitor in a little monster truck I'm sure they'd have been stoked.

Super Delicious, who are producing Manswers for Spike TV sent a driver to pick us up and he seemed really nice, as did the driver who'd gotten me from the airport (I love getting off the plane and seeing someone holding a sign with my name on it; makes me feel like a big shot.) Their offices were just a few minutes from Wilton Place. We checked in, signed some realeses and then went around the corner for burritos while the Super Delicious crew grabbed their own lunch break. Typical "hurry up and wait" approach to TV production. Outside their studios/offices we found this 10% billboard, and couldn't resist the photo op.

The guest who'd been interviewed before me was still there when we got back. She was a woman whose breasts were each bigger than my whole body, standing in stilt like lucite stripper shoes. She looked really really tired. I got a picture with her, and with her shoes and found her to be sweet and friendly but her husband/pimp was a real tool. He barked orders at her and called her a dummy. Sad.

Then the interview. We went around the corner and did the interview next to some sleeping bags and what not. Apparently we were at a homeless camp of some sort. The interview wasn't like the Mancow interviews, which is what I expected. I actually got to speak and the questions were pretty intelligent. We had to stop a few times as helicopters flew over and guys with big bass boom boom speakers drove by. Then of course there are the guys who just yell when they pass a camera crew. I imagine they then go home and get a high five from a fellow sexually repressed roommate as they proudly exclaim "DUDE! I totally interrupted a television shoot!" Oh well.

After the interview came the real fun. They shot a good twenty minutes of me panhandling. I was not on a good corner. The light stayed green too long and then didn't stay red long at all so I didn't have a captive audience. I hammed it up though. I used the "Atheist, will convert for food or $. God Bless?" sign, at their request and I was even hitting up school kids as they walked by. "Hey, Kid, you got a dollar?" Highlights for me were panhandling a school bus and getting $5 and a hug from a guy who didn't speak. I made $6 and change and then we called it quits.

The people at Super Delicious really impressed me. They were all really friendly and smart and a pleasure to work with. Brett handed out a-lot of Lizard Boy magnets and I'd love to see them do something with him. We're both convinced that Wilton Place would be the ultimate reality show. The guy who drove us home, (Dan?) came up and saw Brett's animals. Maybe he'll go back and tell everyone how cool the place is. Manswers debuts in February and I will be in one of the first few episodes I believe. I'll give more exact information when I get it.

The rest of the weekend was spent doing reptile shows with Brett. We were hit on by drunk housewives, one of whom did a little slither for us, very cute. Another party featured a crew of anorexic women of different ethnicities. Interesting how Black, Mexican, White, Indian all becomes LA Wealthy. Their clothes and lack of nutritional fullfilment united them as a cultural group more than ethnicity ever could. I can't believe Brett get's $200 an hour to show his pets to kids. It's the funnest way to make craploads of money ever. And that's not counting the tips!

Sunday night is BBQ night at Wilton Place. My friend Jeff who moved to LA from Sacramento a few years back came by early and stayed for just a few minutes. Another buddy Jesse showed up a bit later with a couple of his friends who'd also relocated from Sac. Finally my friend Monica came by. She has almost as cool of a gig as Brett. Monica teaches people to cook and she's very successful at it. Her Sweet Pea was wandering around trying to find us and all the drunk Wilton Place BBQers were calling out, "Sweet Pea, SWEET PEA!" to guide him in. Brett's the greatest friend to let me have so many of my friends come by his place. It was way cooler than meeting at a restraraunt. We BBQ'd portabello mushrooms, asparagus, bell peppers and garlic bread, yes, garlic bread. BBQ bread is awesome. I made chocolate chip cookies (in the oven. Not ready to do BBQ cookies yet) and the Swede, watching Brett and I cook decided we are a "cute couple."

At 5:30 am we made our way out to catch my plane home and people were still up laughing in a couple of the apartments. It hurts me to leave Wilton Place. I hope I get to return soon.

Two New Poems

If you love something....
and Random Bad Thought

TV Logic

Hi from Hollywood. I'm sitting on the stairs outside of Bret's apartment. He's inside with a camera crew from Country Music Television and he's pretending that he lives in Sacramento. "Hi, I'm Brett Wilson, the world famous lizard boy, and I'm here in Sacramento California." There's no reason for the lie, the guys from CMT just figured it's always better to be dishonest. I call that TV logic. The more I see of TV being made the more I distrust EVERYTHING I see on the tube. I'm being picked up in about an hour to go do my own shoot for Spike TV. What lies will I tell. Whatever lies they ask me to tell of course.

See You In Court Cockerham

A few months back Rob Cockerham of www.cockeyed.com suckered me into an "experiment" involving me betting my life savings on a fixed race, and it wasn't fixed in my favor.
Well, it seems the joke will be on him after all. You see, the little webmaster couldn't help showing off, and is now including a picture of my disgrace in his annual Cockeyed.Com calendar. HA. I know this calendar makes millions, and I don't seem to recall signing over permission to use my likeness.
If you're in this picture as well, get a hold of me, we can make it a class action lawsuit.
And the rest of you may as well go buy one. Since I'm suing the creep your money will be supporting ME and I know you feel good about that. Click Here to purchase one now.

I Am Diseased

Having a disease should be glamorous and dramatic, a bit sexy even. I should be sitting in bed, with beautiful large eyes peering at you from my rapidly shrinking body, full of love and wisdom, eliciting sympathy and tenderness from all. I would be strong, inspiring in my strength in fact.

"He's a fighter that Keith Lowell Jensen. I'm sure he'll make it."

That's what having a disease should look like. That and sponge baths from cute nurses. So what the hell's up with what I got?

I crap a-lot, I can't eat much and they keep pumping me full of drugs. I just got rejected for short term disability insurance. That's what's really setting me off. It was so depressing to look down at that piece of paper, brought to me by the mail man. There it was:

"Rejected. Reason; Ulcerative Colitis."

Screw those bastards. They won't insure me because I may actually need the insurance.

Packing to go down to LA has me a bit bummed as well. I'm packing four different kinds of pills and some enemas. That should look great going through security. I'm like an old person. I even got a little pill fob key-chain so I can keep my drugs on me at all times.

Oh well. I'm sure if I whine enough I can probably get Bryna to put on a nurses outfit and make with a sponge bath. (Disclaimer: Whining will not really earn you such attention. I advise another approach. Seriously.)

On the bright side, I have an excuse to run this cheesy as hell "sexy" nurse pic and that should score me some search engine hits for sure.

Me on Spike TV

Paris Hilton's been on Spike TV, and soon I will be as well.

They're flying me down on Friday to tape a segment on my panhandling hobby for a new show they're launching.

I'm excited. I'm going to spend the whole weekend in LA and I'll write all about my adventures when I get back, unless my adventures are minimal in which case I'll have time to write them up while I'm down there.

I'll be staying with The Lizard Boy at Wilton Place, and that's always an adventure.

When I get more information on the date that this will air and what not I'll post it.

Add the Panhandler as your friend HERE and also be sure to visit me at RockAss.net.

My First Book

Oh Holy Day and other stories
by Keith Lowell Jensen

Playing Santa in a depressed mall where consumerism runs rampant can drive even the most well intentioned St. Nick to the brink. When you throw in after hour all-Santa drink-a-thons, surly security elves and a bit too much on-the-clock eggnog (special recipe) it proves to be just too much.

Oh Holy Day is the story of one Santa finding the "true meaning of Christmas" in the most unlikely of places. Packaged along with it are a collection of Keith Lowell Jensen's best stories, including fiction and memoir pieces. With a holiday themed cover by Tom WOrking this makes a perfect Christmas gift for fans of Charles Bukowski, David Sedaris, BethLisick and Chuck Palahniuk.

To order hit the "Donate" button on the right column of this site and use Paypal or your credit card. $10 for each book, plus $2 shipping and handling. Volume discounts are available. Thanks.

Lovely

A whole day to just relax, work on my house, do some reading and writing, maybe a little trip to the skate park later. After two days of hectic Thanksgiving action it's much appreciated.
We had dinner at my mom's place. Two of my brothers, one almost sister-in-law and four of my nephews, plus two Uncles and an aunt and a cousin from NY were all in attendance. I had my usual Tofurkey and my brother Erick offered my some meat, an important tradition that one. Then we went to Bryna's sister Erin's place picking up our nephew Antonio on the way. More food.

Bryna's mom's husband, Rex, brought a hookah and that may have been the highlight of my thanksgiving. It's wonderful to sit on the porch and enjoy the sweet molasses tobacco called Shisha. We had an apple shisha and a watermelon shisha which surprisingly was really good. I think I will need to buy a hookah soon. Maybe I'll get one for Christmas.

On Friday we checked out the new skate park on Power Inn Road. WOW! It's so incredible. Huge pools with lips that extend up and all kinds of stairs and rails. The place was packed. I saw a dad being a total ass to his five year old son and seven year old daughter. He was making fun of the kid for being afraid to skate in one of the pools and yelling at him for sitting on a rail. I wanted to sock him, but that wouldn't help the kid any. The dad probably had an ass hat for a dad himself, and his kid will probably grow up to be an ass hat dad as well. It's the ass hat chain.

Speaking of dad's, after the skate park we went to my dad's place for more thanksgiving. Bryna made poached salmon that came out perfect. I grabbed a bunch of kids and we went in search of the Elk Grove Skate Park. First we followed google directions to Ground Zero, the indoor park. The directions led us to a church. Man, them Christians will try anything. Then we went to the outdoor park. It was closed. Beautiful park, can't wait to check it out when it's open. Antonio and I did go to the park by me, B Street, that night. I thought we'd have the place to ourselves since the new park was open but no such luck. It was packed and everybody there was really good. I'm getting better about taking my turn even though I'm not so great and the guys that are good are always cool, patient, and encouraging. Hell, I'm way better than I was when I started just over a year ago.

Well, I don't want to use up my day off talking to you, no offense. Scroll down for a couple of new stories and check back soon for the release of my book and also watch for my new Zombie Christmas story.

(And PLEASE, advance order my book. Just hit "donation" on the right of this site, and send me $10 plus $2 shipping.)

Antonio and I found this video of a bunch of Sacramento Skaters

Tofurkey Day?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Last year I did an article on my own Thanksgiving tradition for The News and Review and I figured a reposting was in order.
Check it out here!

I'm working on a new Christmas story, featuring zombies. Watch for that soon. :)
And I'm still collecting money to put out my collection of short stories. I'm halfway there. If you want to help, hit the donate button on the right column of this page and send $1o (plus $2 shipping) to pre-order the book. Thanks.

My Confession; New Story

I have a new piece of fiction up.
It'a a little creepy and definitely not one for the kids. I'm really happy with it though.
Check it out here. www.rockass.net/fiction/2006/11/my-confession.html

Here's the first paragraph:

"I'd never masturbated in public prior to that day. I'd never exposed myself. I'm no pervert. There were no restraining orders against me. I'd been arrested once before, it was a misunderstanding, I thought the donuts were free samples. It didn't even go on my record. But now I'm a marked man, right there on the ever popular Megan's Law website, a sexual offender. Sure I have regrets, but mostly about getting caught. I can't regret being with her. It just felt so right. It was love, pure and simple. It was love."

Read the rest here. www.rockass.net/fiction/2006/11/my-confession.html

Hearts and Minds

This video is just unbelievable.

Wow. I'm so glad we're over there making friends.

How I Got My Bike

I put up a new story at Mostly True.
Read it here: RockAss.net/mostlytrue/2006/11/how-i-got-my-bike.html

Kramer Goes Nuts

Michael Richards better known as Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld, went nuts on some hecklers and used the word nigger over and over. Watch the video below. It's strange, he goes into a rant about words as if he was making some kind of point, as Lenny Bruce did when using the same words, but Lenny Bruce didn't call someone a nigger after getting pissed at them. Richards is obviously out of control here and I don't see his career surviving this one.

Do These Two Things For Me Please

1. Buy an advance copy of my book for $10. Click here for info.
2. Quit being a lurker. I'm getting more and more comments here, but I'd love to really get the comments rolling, so, do me a HUGE favor, and leave a response once in a while.

That's all. Thanks.

Quoted in The Bee again

Thanks Bee. www.sacbee.com/110/story/79090.html
Read the full post that they're quoting HERE.

Who's Afraid Of Islam?

Warning: Here comes preachy Keith. I don't want to scare away the folks that come here to dig the stories and poems and what not, so if that's your thing, cool. You won't offend me if you just skip this little tirade. Otherwise, have at it, and feel free to engage me in the comments. No name calling, flame war crap please, but disagreeing with me is always welcome.


A major ingredient in conservative policy is the common enemy. Rally behind the flag for THEY are out there. In my childhood (and my father's) it was the communist threat. As we are now instructed to be afraid of Islam and it's west hating ways I can't help but see an irony in our president's friendly visit to Vietnam. Vietnam was to our Communist-phobic hysteria as Iraq is now to our Islamaphobic hysteria. Well we lost "The Nam", which we were told would certainly have dire consequences, denying us any stability and security. As our President dons his jammies and spends a cozy night sleeping in Vietnam we should not miss the irony here. The carrot was more effective than the stick in luring communist governments into a comfortable relationship with the capitalist democracies of the world. Why do we have to learn the lesson over again now as we convince ourselves that The Muslims will not rest until our way of life is destroyed.

Are the Millitant Islamic factions to be feared. Certainly, just as there are frightening Christian extremists right here in our own country. I fear any philosophy that can excuse killing in the name of god. But we have to ask ourselves why increasing numbers of Muslims are willing to subscribe to an extreme, anti-west interpretation of Islam. The "They hate our freedom" explanation of why we were attacked is idiotic at best. It's time for American to take a good hard look at our dealing in the middle east over the years. You don't have to agree with the complaints against us to realize that there is more to them than just a bunch of freedom hating. To give but one small example, please remember that it was us who helped put the Bathe party in power in Iraq and then supported Hussein's brutal take over of that party.

So, if we assume that there are more complex reasons for hating us than just a bizarre disgust with freedom that still leaves the question of what do we do with it. For one we accept that Muslims come in many styles and we stop grouping them all together, blaming the Muslim masses for any action of any Muslim anywhere. We reach out to the moderates who would like to see peace and we work on extending the carrot. We have faith that we really are on to something that the rest of the world will not be able to resist when it comes to our freedom of press, religion, and this damn attractive economic stability that I benefit from daily. We stop giving them a big bad enemy that easy to hate. Here's where I get real idealistic. If we put as much energy into helping the rest of the world as we put into protecting ourselves and our perceived interests from the rest of the world could anyone mess with us? The Iran earthquake a few years back was such an amazing opportunity for us and we did offer assistance but far too little.

So don't fear Muslims. There are plenty of them right here in our communities who would be happy to let you have a tour of their Mosques (I know I've had such a tour), who would be happy to talk politics, ethics and religion with you in a mutually respectful way (even if you're a dirtbag, homo-lovin' atheist like me) and who are happy to do business with you.

There are those who will come back at me by quoting The Koran attempting to present it as a call to violence. Let me remind them how easy it has always been for people to use the Bible to excuse violent, hateful behavior including genocide and slavery. You can also use The Bible to divide yourself from those who would commit atrocious sins, you know, like eating shell fish. When the Islamic empire was at it's height the Muslims had a very generous and progressive attitude toward Christians and Jews. I could go on an on, but instead I will encourage you to study the history of Islam and you will find a rich, complex and beautiful culture, one you might have a hard time hating.

The bottom line is when people are able to have a nice comfortable life where they can worship as they please and see their children safe and happy, the overwhelming majority will be most unlikely to take up arms or to subscribe to a militant philosophy that will interrupt their ability to live peacefully with their neighbors. That's poor people behavior. So, there's your enemy, your great fear; poverty. Want to be afraid? Be afraid of so many people in the world having so little to lose for these have always been the people most easily inducted into a fighting force. And with every war we wage there are more such people. We can pretend we're fighting over our differences of religion, but would there be a fight if there were not resources like land, oil and other things that equal money to be fought over? I don't think so.

The California Conservative disagrees. Read his post here.

Give The Gift of KLJ this X-mas

Hey folks, I need to get $300 bucks together to do a small run of "Oh Holy Day and other stories" which is a book I'm self publishing. Buy the good stuff on this page to help support the effort, or hell, just give me money. I'm always down for that.

ICBINC "Funnier Than God"
It's the ICBINC CD featuring 15 weird and funny tracks.

"I felt tense while I was listening to this piece.
I loved it, but I felt tense,"
Jeffrey Callison, NPR

"A mix of old time radio style and irreverent (but surprisingly non-profane) humor, the crew brings to mind some of the funnier bits of Monty Python and vintage Saturday Night Live. These guys could easily be the next SCTV."
Robert Berry, Retocrush.com

It's yours for just $6 plus $2 shipping (add a dollar if you're outside the US)


Francois Fly DVD
My hero and client Francois Fly captured live at the historic Steve Allen Theatre in LA performing as part of Cabaret Voltaire.
The bonus feature is not to be missed; Franois Fly's very first appearance at a little comedy club in Sacramento.

The DVD is $6 plus $2 shipping (yep, you foreigners gots to add a dollar. Sorry.)

Buy both for just $10 bucks, and shipping is still only $2, so you save a total of $4 smackers.

Just hit the donate button (on the right column of this site) to send me the appropriate amount of money and in the notes field let me know what products you want. Order now to get them delivered before Christmas.

And watch for a 50 page book of my short stories soon. In fact, if you want to advance order it you can, guarantying you get one since I'm doing a small run of only 100 books. Just paypal me $10 (plus $2 shipping) and let me know you want to reserve a copy.
The book will include my Christmas Story and a full color cover with cool artwork.

Casino Royale

A big deal is being made of the fact that the new Bond, Daniel Craig, is young and, gasp-shudder, Blonde! Within seconds of Casino Royale starting you realize that none of this matters. Craig has the presence to pull off Bond like nobody since Connery. Each Bond has tried to be more charming, more gentlemanly than their pedecessor. Craig instead is presented as a strong, silent and really pretty scary son of a bitch. That's not to say he isn't charismatic, but it's an intimidating kind of charisma.

Craig is supported by a fantastic script. Casino Royale is based on the first of the Bond books and is an origins story of sort. As the series has made our hero less of a misogynist in each film, keeping up with the sensibilities of the times, casino has the opportunity to offer an explanation, some might even say an excuse for Bond's detached attitude toward women. The other strength in the script is how natural the stunts and action scenes feel, including a chase scene opener that is mindblowing. Not once do you get the feeling of Bond wandering into an obstacle course and predictably going through each amazing stunt, instead you find him logically making his way across high rise construction sites, through a collapsing building and down a fire escape.

Judy Dench is of course perfect as M. She is tough and funny and strangely maternal towards 007, even as she is threatening to have him killed.

As always there are "The Bond Girls" this time played by Caterina Murino and Eva Green. Both actresses are just that, actresses. Sure, they have their obligatory scenes looking amazing in evening dresses, and oh my gosh do they look amazing, but they also have well developed characters, good lines and a chance to be more than a pretty face.

I have only two small critiques. When Bond wins at poker he wins with the best hand. That's not nearly as exciting as when a cool bastard manages to win with a bluff, especially since Bond explains earlier in the film that the man with the best hand doesn't always win. My other complaint involves the face paint on the ladies. The make up artist for this film had one too many espressos or something and really went to town; too much.

All in all this is my favorite Bond in a long time, in fact I'm going to even say it's up there with the best Bonds ever. From the adrenaline rush action to the compelling romantic tale to the didn't quite see it coming ending.

Self Publishing?

While I continue to shop for a publisher for my bigger works, I'm considering self publishing a small volume of short stories, like 50 pages maybe, with my Christmas story and maybe a few other gems, including a sneak peak at "Ritalin"; my upcoming blog detailing my adventures in public school K-11 (I got the hell out of there before 12, not realizing it would someday cost me a chapter.)
I'm looking to publish through Lulu.com. Any thoughts? I'm wondering if folks would pay $10 for a small book with a nice full color cover by some bad ass artist.

TURD of The Year

Wow, I thought for sure K Fed would win dirtbag celebrity of the year for threatening to release his Britney sex tapes, I mean how will he explain this behavior to their kids as they get old enough to be aware. It's not like he can hide it from them.

Now it seems the award is claimed, AGAIN by OJ Simpson. Come on dude, give someone else a shot, you've had you're moment in the spotlight in the toilet. But no, the stingy attention whore, he's back, with a book called If I Did It. In the book he explains how he would have committed the murders, if he'd committed the murders, hypothetically of course. WOW! I'm just so amazed. This may be the strangest celebrity news of the century. I hope OJ has his acceptance speech ready. With less than two months left in 2006 I'm pretty sure the title is his for the taking. Sorry K-Fed, but if it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure you're a giant turd, a world class turd even.

Speaking of turds, Trent Lott is back! After the spanking they got I thought the GOP would work to make some changes. Instead they put Trent Lott back in a position of power. Awesome! They DO want to hand over 2008 they way they handed over 2006. I hope all the Dems get backbones for Christmas, if ever there was a time for them to show some nerve here it is, not that I expect it to happen, but at this point any change is welcome.

(Just between you and I, perhaps those of us who would not be able to resist looking at the Britney sex tape even as we're morally repulsed at its being released are the ones who really deserve to be the Turds of the year.)

Rejected

Well the first agent passed on my book.

It feels good to have it out of the way, and I knew that it was unrealistic to think this would be easy. I do have to admit though, I am worried about how long and how much energy this will take. I have friends who have been piling up the rejection letters for years and I'm really hoping that's not what I'm getting started here.

I have faith that the work is good though. I haven't had to beg people to read it. I've had tons of people read the whole thing, and it's HUGE and I've had more than one person let me know that they read it twice, so I will try to remain confident that it's just a matter of finding the right match for me as far as agents go.

Here's the letter. You can pretend that you're the one being rejected, it's fun:

(Put Your Name Here),

I took a look at this and although you are undoubtedly funny, this project isn't for me. Unfortunately, a nonfiction project without a "name" (forgive my Hollywood talk, please) or platform attached is a tough sell. And also, I just don't personally connect to your tales.

I'm sure you've heard the "agenting is very subjective" bit before, but it really is true. Although your project is not right for my particular list, it very well could be a perfect fit for someone else.

I wish you tremendous luck in finding the ideal advocate for your work.

Sincerely,
(I'm not putting her name here out of respect)

It was a polite letter and it didn't leave me feeling too rejected. Minutes after I got the letter a coworker came in and told me that he very likely has cancer. Damn. That sucks. Sort of robs me of my pitty party there don't it?

Who is The Streets?

I mentioned The Streets when I posted the Lilly Allen video and compared her to him. A couple folks told me they'd not heard of him, so, here ya go.



And again,
Click here to see my Music Videos Playlist

Lily Allen

Lily Allen just charms my socks off. The Streets meets Gwen Stefani and beats up Cindi Laupers fashion consultant. Here's a couple of vids from Brittains latest and greatest (way cooler and less classist than that rich boy Sasha Baron Cohen.)
Thanks to my sweetie Bryna who discovered Lily Allen after pulling a pic from a magazine because she liked her bangs.





Click here to see my Music Videos Playlist

An Announcement

You're the first to know. I'm starting a new blog project in January.

After the popularity of All My Jobs and All My Kisses, I want to really do this one up right.
I will be fully press releasing, looking for advertisers, and we're even talking about setting up some incentives for the generous folks who donate, little gifts like NPR does. I want to promote this one in a big way, and I should; it's to be a BIG blog.

The blog will be called...
Ritalin
Pharmaceutical Adventures in The Public School System.

The chapters will be mostly broken up by grades, starting in Kindergarten. During my 12 years in public school (I skipped my senior year) I:

• was expelled three times
  
• went back and forth between honors classes and special ed constantly
  
• took Freshman PE three years in a row, never managing to pass it
• got straight As once
• got straight Fs once
  
• attended eight different schools
• failed to learn Spanish or French despite many hours spent saying "I have a pencil. There is the window."
  

Watch for news on this, and PLEASE, if you know anyone who I should add to my press release list (other bloggers, webmasters, journalists, etc) or if you know anyone who might buy an add on my page let me know. Thanks.

PS: If you wanted to get the jump on supporting this new project, there is a donation button in the column on the right. :)

Currently Reading /Listening To/ Watching:

Nervous

Pray to Boognish
I'm not good with rejection. I have filmmaker friends and friends in bands who have rejection walls, where they post all their rejection letters from various agencies, labels, etc.
I have only a few rejection e-mails, all from Sketch Comedy festivals. Each one was a stab in the gut for me. I need to thicken my skin.

Well, now I have this damn book and I need to find representation. I didn't end up just cold sending my query letters to random agents like most folks would have had to do. I called up my friend Ken, who has actually published with Simon and Schuster and asked for help.

Ken thinks I'm pretty funny. In fact we know each other from his coming to my comedy shows, though it turns out his brother is my high-school friend Matt. So anyway I showed Ken my query letter. He thought the book sounded good and then showed the query letter to the agent who handled the foreign rights for his book. She agreed to look at a fifty page excerpt.

I've now sent her the excerpt. And it's making me crazy. I wait for her to reject it or to ask to see more. I'm rereading my book, totally full of doubt. Worried that it moves too fast over the huge span of time it covers. Worried that my writing is too direct. I'm not much for flowery descriptions of people or places. I prefer to let you get to know the characters and settings slowly as they react to the events of the story, but I'm second guessing myself every which way.

I'm glad I did it though. If she passes on the book I will print out the rejection e-mail. I'll post it to my wall, and then I'll send the query letter to the next agent on my list and I'll hatch a new set of butterflies to flap around in my rumbling belly.

Of course, if she decides to take on the project, then I'll do a happy dance. I'll film my happy dance and post it here. So, if you want to see a happy dance cross your fingers, pray to boognish, light a candle, sacrifice a cricket, lick a toadstool, do whatever you have to do to trick the universe into breaking it's own rules in my favor. Peace.

My buddy The Lizard Boy

The LA Independent just put my buddy Brett on their cover.
By LORENA FERNANDEZ 09.NOV.06
Bret Wilson parlays his affection for reptiles into an unusual vocation.

“All the snakes are named after leather goods, all the frogs have French names and all the lizards are named after the food that they most remind me of,” says Bret Wilson. “This is what happens when you fail as a comedian; you take it out on your pets.” In a studio apartment of a no-pet building in Hollywood, Wilson lives with about 20 roommates who are the main attraction of his Lizard Boy’s Mobile Zoo.

Wilson’s fascination with reptiles began at an early age. The Sacramento native bought his first snake at age 17, even when his family didn’t exactly understand his interest. “Dentistry is my background,” explains Wilson, who has two brothers following their father’s footsteps as a Dentist and a younger brother who is a chiropractor; “Family of doctors and Lizard Boy,” declares Wilson with a smile.

For 10 years he worked in a dentist office, but his dyslexia made him think he could not get through all the years of school to become a doctor. Reptile education, however, was an entirely different matter: “There wasn’t a day in my 20s when I didn’t have a book with me on reptiles,” he says.

One day of no particular importance, a school teacher came in for an appointment at the dentist office Wilson worked in. They began talking, Wilson says, and the conversation casually drifted to the subject of lizards. The teacher was giving a lesson on how to care for a pet lizard, and asked Wilson to come in with his pets and give a little chat. “I fell in love with it,” he says. From then on, Wilson called up a different school every week and gave a free presentation of his personal collection of pets to students.

Bitten by the acting bug, Wilson moved to Los Angeles in 1997 to quickly find out that he had “no aptitude for that,” so like any other aspiring actor in this city, Wilson began going through a wide variety of jobs that ranged from a paid radio caller to vampire fangs distributor. The weirdest job, he says, was selling cemetery plots for a Catholic organization: “Part of their sales program was playing on Catholic guilt,” Wilson says, “not being Catholic and not being a big fan of guilt, I didn’t do very well.”

Through the friend of a friend, Wilson discovered a company dedicated to give presentations on reptiles that needed a temporary replacement; the job description was exactly what Wilson had been doing in Sacramento for school children. “People pay you for this? I only did it because I liked it,” he says. Immediately it became clear to him what he needed to do. At age 30 Wilson took a job climbing communication towers to raise money in order to buy reptiles and amphibians. The job, he says, was a great experience that allowed him to see most of the country through a considerably high — 705 feet — perspective. Eight months later, Wilson bought his first zoo member.

Volkswagon, a Red-foot tortoise, was no bigger than a silver dollar when Wilson got her. Today, she is a bit smaller than a football, and she has to share her balcony room with a bigger Red-foot, Goat. “[Goat] is solely responsible for more destruction in this apartment than all the other animals combined,” says Wilson, who calls Goat his “problem child.” Each animal in the studio apartment is considered part of the family and comes with a name, a designated “room” and a unique personality.

Among them there’s Curry, a Crested Gecko, Wallets, a three-year old Burmese Python, Pierre, a white Tree Frog and Toupee, a Chilean Rose Hair Tarantula. Most of the animals come from Animal Control or pet shops, and in the process of acquiring them and finding the ones who are most docile to work with children, Wilson has bumped into a couple of surprises, of which the most noticeable is a scar on his left jaw bone.

It all began when one of his friend’s neighbors in Sacramento decided to get rid of her pet iguana. Wilson quickly found a home for him, but after a while the new owner returned the iguana because it bit her. As Wilson was keeping the iguana in his apartment as a temporary guest, the animal began going through its mating period, in which it’s natural for the animal to get defensive. One day the iguana caught its tail on the side of a shelf, and when Wilson came to help it, the iguana bit him on the side of his face. Very calmly, he put the skin that was hanging back in place and held a paper towel to his bleeding cheek as he called a friend to take him to the hospital. “I walked downstairs and sat on the steps, ‘cause I was bleeding like crazy. I figured, if I pass out, someone is going to find me,” says Wilson.

The nurse laughed at first when she read on the primary complaint of the chart “Lizard tried to eat my head,” but she immediately apologized once she turned and looked at Wilson, he says. 18 stitches later, he was going back to his reptile-filled apartment.

Still, Wilson makes sure to keep his presentations safe: “In 15 years of doing this I’ve never had a kid injured in a show,” or an animal for that matter. A strict policy in his business is “never work an animal that is not feeling well.”

Like with every business, Wilson makes sure to compensate his employees. “Doing payroll” for this particular businessman, however, includes a lot less paper and a lot more rat meat. “Feeding is usually done in the evenings,” explains Wilson, “the big snakes eat on Sunday, the big lizard eats Wednesdays and Sundays, and then all the herbivores eat every single day.”

At $200 per hour and an average of four to five shows per week — except Halloween week, which this year brought 14 shows — Wilson is not one to worry about job-related stress. “I have more money than I need, which to me, isn’t that the point?” he says.

Although he lives in a studio apartment, Wilson is in no rush to find a more spacious place; he has lived in the no-pets building for nine years, and has never locked his front door. The entire building, which only has 14 units, looks on the inside like a college dorm: Pictures hanging on the hallways, neighbors walking into each other’s apartments, and pets roaming free. “On any given day it isn’t unheard of to see a lizard roaming the hall (not mine, either) along with a rabbit and a cat,” says Wilson.

“My job is my favorite thing in the world to do, so I win.” - Photos by Gary McCarthy

Three New Stories

A pic of me at the reading
I'm having a great week, even though my stomach is doing crappy and the doctor put me back on steroids. The shows and the readings went well this weekend.

The comments on my I Hate My Guts story made me tear up. It means so much to me that when people are sitting down to research Ulcerative Colitis to find out just how much it sucks they're finding my story and it's making 'em laugh a little. I've been there, doing that search and I know how much it sucks to read all the clinical papers and the horror stories of what having this disease is like. Several folks have taken the time to comment and to say they appreciate my take on the whole mess.

And that's not the only good feedback. I woke up to find $20 bucks sent to me via pay pal with a simple note reading "Great stories." That's awesome. Thanks so much.

At any rate, I'm bursting at the seems with excitement about trying out some new stand up I've been working on, and I've also got THREE count 'em THREE new fiction stories. Read them here:

Modern Medical Miracles If you're going to the doctor, you might want to bring him or her some free pens, calendars and keychains printed with the words "Please don't prescribe me drugs I don't need."

Barry Barry's had it. Its time for God to speak up once and for all. File this under, be careful what you ask for. If you're religious without a sense of humor skip this one.)

Ice Cream Thomas is wondering what happened to daddy. This is a surreal little story inspired by the great Japanese and Chinese Zen stories that I found in the book "Zen Flesh, Zen Bones: A Collection of Zen and Pre-Zen Writings"

And hey, I'd love to have more art on the site. If any of you artsy types want to illustrate any of my stories (as Grumble Bee's been doing for my Kisses stories) let me know. You retain ownership of your art of course, and I'll link back to your site. Peace.

Currently Reading /Listening To/ Watching:

Awesome Video

Thanks Grouch. (see comment on last post.)

Ribbon Based Economy

Sent to me by my dad, sent to him by Uncle Harold.
Kickin' back listening to some Beach Boys and feeling patriotic in my own way.

Great Night

Wow, last night was super amazing. We had a capacity crowd for the ICBINC, Boom Time show and both acts went over really well. I love doing the ten short skits in ten minutes bit that we did. It's so different from our normal act. Looking forward to The Morbid Curiosity reading tonight and then one last show with Boom Time. Then I'll relax. That's what I always tell myself. Hee hee.
If you can make it to either or both shows tonight a promise a great time will be had.

TV On The Radio - Wolf Like Me

Holy Toledo, these guys rule.


Click Here for more of my favorite music videos.

The Ugly Sticks

So, yeah, I used to screech in a band. I made us a myspace page, mostly just to get the songs online. Check it out here www.myspace.com/uglysticks. I'll try to scan some pictures soon.

See Me LIVE

If you live in or near Sacramento, or if you're planning a visit to the area, come see a night of strange and hillarious comedy.

I'll be making the funny with ICBINC, my sketch troupe, as we open for Boom Time, featuring my favorite comedian Brent Weinbach.

The shows are

• Friday and Saturday, Novemeber 3rd and 4th, 10 pm both nights.
• $12.50, but you can come in for $10 if you mention RockAss.net at the door.
  
• The Geery Theatre, 22nd and L Street downtown.
  

For more see the ICBINC myspace page at www.myspace.com/itsnotcomedy and become our friend while you're at it.

Bush Amazes Again

It's a shame the li'l Texan can't use his powers for good. He is AMAZING, truly. First, durring his campaign for re-ellection he managed to make Kerry, the purple heart veteran look like a wimp, despite the fact that he hid out the war in the Texas Guard, and was awol for most of his time there.

Now, the man that has sent our under-supplied troops into a war that he has no idea how to win or even get us out of is jumping up and down pointing the finger at that same veteran, claiming now that Kerry is disrespecting the troupes!!!

Wow! It's like the kid with ice cream all over his face is pointing out that the kid munching on a carrot is ruining his appetite before dinner.

And Democrats, in the best spot they've been in for years, instead of jumping to their man's defense and pointing out the obvious irony of Bush being the one issuing complaints about troop respect, are backing away from Kerry, even canceling appearances with the Veteran.

Did Kerry really mean to insult the troops? You'd have to be pretty desperate or pretty dumb to believe for a second that he would. He was trying to imply that Bush was the one who partied his way through school, didn't study hard, got us stuck in a quagmire.

David Letterman pointed out that Kerry is pretty amazing himself able to "lose elections he's not even in." Of course, Kerry's inability to speak clearly is a problem. I mean, imagine what would have happened if we'd elected a president who couldn't communicate clearly and effectively. ?!?

If you're reading this and you disagree, PLEASE comment. This is one of those cases where I'm really trying to see both sides, but It just seems so obvious to me that it's a bunch of b.s.

Currently Reading: Amber turned me onto to these awesome Zombie comics. They should tide me over until World War Z is released.

Number One For Aqua-Scrot

I'm getting a-lot of hits all of a sudden for people searching for Aquatic Scrotum. I'm the top site for this search on Google. The only thing getting me more google hits is my mispelling of vagina (vaginia) awhile back. I got lots of hits from horny folks who either couldn't spell or were having trouble with the old one handed typing.

Two New Poems

I wrote two new poems, inspired by my cold walk to work this morning.
Click here to read them.

Are You The King Of Halloween

I was the janitor of Halloween
I crowned Rob Cockerham The King of Halloween (click here for that story.)
I doubt anyone can take his title, but if you come in second to Rob you'll still be our winner. The prize is dinner for two at a Sacramento area restaurant, courtesy of Zimmerman Roofing. Send photos of your best costume(s) to keithlowelljensen at gmail dot com.
Please do not send attachments, I may not get them. Put your photos up somewhere online like photobucket.com or myspace and send me a link. Good luck.

Scary Stories for Halloween

Two new stories at Mostly True. Click here for Girl Without a Face.
Click Here for The Haunted Lamp.

Rob Cockerham; King Of Halloween

Watch for The King Of Halloween contest Tomorrow. Sponsored by Zimmerman Roofing, meaning there'll be a prize other than glory.

This is the full interview I did with Rob Cockerham of Cockeyed.com, part of which is in this week's News and Review. I don't bother to note when Rob is laughing because Rob laughs non-stop, except when I make a joke and then he's dead silent.

KLJ: Rob Cockerham are you the King of Halloween Costumes?

Rob: Probably not the king but, um, I’m in the royalty, I’m up there. I try really hard.

KLJ: How long have you been at it?
,
Rob: Since ’91 when I did my first big Halloween costume. I was going to school in Santa Barbara. [I went as] a kiosk. They had these kiosks all over campus, a six sided phone booth size building with bulletin boards on all six sides. I was covered flyers. People went crazy they loved it.

KLJ: Did people put flyers on you?

Rob: No. It was so fun. I was completely covered. I had a little slit for my eyes to see out. I could see that everyone who saw it started laughing

KLJ: What are you favorite costumes?

Rob: I loved one, Paparazi, in that costume I was a photographer but it was made up of other photographer's faces, plastic faces, all holding cameras, all bunched together. All the faces had cameras, I think 12 or 15 faces. The cool thing was all the cameras had flashes. You could unleash all the flashes, so it could give the experience of paparazzi to anyone who looked at the costume.

KLJ: How did you end up at the Industrial Light and Magic Halloween party?

Rob: I had a friend that worked there. They have very strict rules about whose allowed in but I convinced someone to take me as their date. It was my second year going. The first year I had a pretty good costume (see the fish picture above).
I got a good idea of the caliber of costumes theres. One guy came as Iron giant. He was on stilts with a head mounted above his he was about 9 or 10 feet tall.

KLJ: Did you have a good feeling about Paparazi? Did you feel like you were going to win?

Rob: Yeah. I did. Having the flashes go off, I really got the feeling I’d created something like I’d never seen before. I never had a toy like that or saw that on tv. I knew I was going to create a really cool experience for anyone who saw.

KLJ: Did you worry that you'd give people siezures? Like that Japanese kid's show?

Rob: No, I should have bought anti-siezure insurance.

KLJ: So tell me about the contest.

Rob: They narrowed down to the top eight and then the audience decided by their applause who the winner was. I will admit the competition that year was thin, but I beat out some transformers for first place. It was just extraordinary.

KLJ: Were the ILM guys bent that an amateur won?

Rob: Yeah. That was kind of awkward actually.

KLJ: You should've asked for a job.

Rob: I think they have a regular old application process.

KLJ: That sucks, not magical at all. What other costumes have you enjoyed?

Rob: I really liked the California costume. I made an 8 foot costume in the shape of California out of foam rubber, with just my head poking out around Fresno.

KLJ: Why Fresno?

Rob: That’s just how tall I am.

KLJ: How'd that go over?

Rob: Great response. People loved that one too.

KLJ: What do you do with these costumes when you're done with them?

Rob: Um, a couple different things. Sometimes I give them away. I sold the last two on e-bay. Some of them get destroyed in crowds, especially drunken crowds.

KLJ: That's a-lot of work for one night.

Rob: Usually I can milk it for 2 or 4 nights. Because I’m taking pictures of it, I’m really milking the project for more than one night.

KLJ: How much work do you put in to each costume?

Rob: About 30 or 40 hours.

KLJ: Tell me a bit about this years costume. (Note, I want to be surprised like everyone else so I asked Rob NOT to tell me what his super secret costume this year is.)

Rob: It’s a great idea and thats what a good costume is all about. People like to dress up but more than that they like to have an idea that’s original and funny.
It’s better than paparazzi, but the effects aren’t as good. Everyone who see it loves and starts laughing and can’t believe I’ve done it.

KLJ: How much money have you made selling your costumes and winning contests?

Rob: I got $50 for the Doctor Octogon costume [on e-bay]. I already won $250 in a costume contest for that one. The guy I sold it to wore it to a contest at the rage the next Halloween and he won $100.

KLJ: What do you spend on a costume?

Rob: I try to keep them under $100 in materials.

KLJ: So what's the plan for Halloween this year? You taking the kid out?

Rob: We’ll go out on the real Halloween. I’m gonna make her a robot costume.

KLJ: Any contests?

Rob: I’m going to the Zone’s exotic ball at cal expo.

KLJ: Oh man, isn't that "sexy" costume contest?

Rob: Well, it is pretty scantily clad but they also have a $5,000 costume contest. With a normal sized contest the prize might go to sexy drum major, sexy wet-nurse, sexy devil. When you get prizes that are that valuable the realy big extravagant costumes show up to complete. So that kind of knocks out any normal costume you might get at Evangeline’s.

KLJ: You ever wish you could just go pick up a cheap costume off the rack?

Rob: No, I’ll never buy a costume again.

KLJ: So what advice would y ou give to aspiring costume designers?

Rob: You want to appeal to as many people as possible. Use pop culture icons. And preferably something people really love.
It’s okay if you just have a bunch of coat hangers and tape and Styrofoam and paint it’s supposed to look homemade.
Even if you don’t know what party your going to be invited have something ready for when you do get invited.
About five years ago I didn’t get a costume, I stayed home to give out to give out candy and nobody came.
That advice is lame. Let me think of a better one...
Make sure you have at least one hand free… to hold a drink.

Well that's it folks. Plenty of advice and inspiration from Rob Cockerham, the King of Halloween. Rob's website is one of my favorites. If you're not already a fan be sure to check out www.Cockeyed.com. You'll want to keep an eye on his site for the next week especially, to see if you can guess what his super secret Halloween costume will be and he has lots of pictures showing the process of constructing each of his past costumes.

Currently Reading /Listening To/ Watching: TV on the radio. Great album. I like it a-lot.

Democratic Candidates in Pinching Scandal

The democratic candidates are pinching themselves as the November elections draw near. They feel they must be dreaming as the Grand Old Party does everything it can to hand them the two houses.

Bush will not keep quiet about Iraq even comparing it to the 'Nam. Several Republican senators were trampled in the mad dash to put distance between themselves and their president. Democratic Senators sustained injuries as well mostly in the form of sprained shoulders as they repeatadly motioned the international fist pumping gesture for "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Things weren't good enough for the Dems so Republican mouth piece Rush Limbaugh decided to bake them a cake and then pop out of it. The pain killer addicted but otherwise healthy radio personality accused Michael J. Fox of faking it. He insisted that Fox was exagerating his Parkinsons in ads asking voters to support Dems who support stem cell research. Limbaugh later apologized for the faking it accusation but continued to attack Fox for "politiczing his disease." This is almost as good as Anne Coulture begrudging the 911 widows their fun filled public grieving.

Rush, a little friendly advice here; Don't pick fights with the sick dude in public. Do you really need me to tell you this? When you pick on the sick or disabled you do it in private. Catch Fox in the restroom at one of the country clubs that you no doubt both belong to. Bribe the attendant to look the other way.

The month draws to a close and the GOP's October surprise seems to be that they're handing the election over. I have a $10 bet with my boss that the donkey party will take both houses. I wasn't willing to bet $20, so there's still some room for doubt. As with past bets the boss and I have made over elections, any money he wins from me will contributed to the Republican party.

Currently Reading /Listening To/ Watching:

I'm a Star

My nephew Antonio and I are in this Xiu Xiu video produced by our good pal Bob Moricz. I'm the doctor, and also the gas mask dude pouring gas into my victims throat. Antonio's the kid.

YouTube seems to be sucking on this one. I see a little more of the video each time I play it, but never the whole thing? Weird. You acn try watching it here http://youtube.com/watch?v=13xeK3FEV_I