Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Palin's greatest hits

I have a gig Thursday and so I will miss Sara Palin trying to debate. That is really too bad. I know that NOTHING I say could possibly be as funny as what she will say.

Great decision making here McCain! Real leadership.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Funniest Thing I Ever Said

Over the weekend I said the funniest thing I've ever said.

The problem is, I can't find anyone else who appreciates it. People who don't think I'm funny, don't think this is funny. No surprise there but even people who find me hilarious (yes, there are a few, shut up) do not realize how riotously funny this is.


My five year old nephew Dylan walks in the room.

Dylan: Keith, you smell like poo.

Me: So, you smell like poo that somebody peed on

And there you have it. The funniest thing I ever said, even if nobody else thinks so. My god, I'm crying laughing as I type this.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Fan Art

Thanks to Trillian, a lovely young lady who enjoys eating sugar straight out of the packet, for this wonderful piece of Fan Art based on my banana suit panhandling in "Why Lie? I Need A Drink"
You're the best Trill. Sorry your parents named you after Dr. Who but I'm sure you're going to deal with it just fine.

Friday, September 5, 2008

The RNC on TV at MVP

So, I show up at MVP, the sports bar where I'm performing as part of their Thursday Night comedy show and the Republican National Convention is on. McCain is speachifying. In one corner of the bar sits three Mexicans and a black guy. I notice the Mexicans are groaning every time the TV screen show anyone who isn't white while the black guy is cheering. I have to know, so I ask 'em whats going on and apparently they have a bet going over whether or not there will be at least ten non-white people shown.

This is the best way to watch the RNC. Now these camera men have been instructed to find the minorities and zoom in. You can feel how big of an effort it is. I'm thinking there's a major bonus for every minority they manage to get on screen.

When I noticed the "Look, we got minorities!" shots alternating with close ups of the most inbred, redneck looking good old boys imaginable I figured we must have at least one Democrat who infiltrated the camera crew. They put one cowboy hat wearing, mouth like a train wreck, Hee-Haw fanatic on screen who was SO white I suggested my gamblin' friends take a point off. This guy and the black Republican they zoomed in on before him should've just cancelled each other out.

When they cut to a red head who looked a bit wild for the RNC I proposed half a point on the assumption that she slept with a black guy once, in college.

I don't have real good impulse control and when McCain talked about Russia invading their neighbor just so they could control more of the oil market I yelled from the back of the room "GEE. SOUNDS FAMILIAR!" Luckily it was a pretty liberal crowd and I got my first applause break before I'd even hit the stage. Thanks gang.

The Mexicans lost the bet. They showed exactly ten non-honkies (though I'm convinced that one guy changed hats so that he would look like two black republicans.)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Triple Threat Thursday

Its late, I'm tired, going to bed.
I'll blog about tonights comedy show tomorrow and I'll get video up soon as well.
Thanks to Mike Betancourt for booking me and to Josh Vigil and David Bothom for sharing the stage with me. Great show.

if you went to the show though, you better leave a damn comment

But it IS the same old Republican Party

Before any of you moderate Republicans or independents out there are tempted to believe the hype that McCain represents a NEW Republican party, let me remind you that George Bush 8 years ago was billed as a NEW Republican. Please remember where the bullshit term Compassionate Conservative came from.

The Republican party is STILL the party of Big Oil, Palin more than anyone. Lets look at where her money comes from. If this were a jury she'd be dismissed for conflict of interest. There was a term in early American politics; disinterestedness. It meant, non-invested, non-beholden, free from interests that might sway ones judgment. Why have we lost this word and the values that were associated with it?

As I listened to the RNC last night it struck me that they're really proud to be the party of platitudes. Obama was actually ridiculed for having so many foreign policy advisers. He was also criticized for seeing issues as complex and for considering more than one viewpoint when looking at a conflict.

I'm not registered Democrat and they are no angels. I see some flaws in Obama for sure, I'm an atheist after all, and quite tired of having to vote someone with invisible friends. But I see him as the most exciting candidate to run in quite some time. He talks to us as if we're actually intelligent and can handle complex issues without having 'em dumbed down. Whether he is right in this assumption we'll find out soon.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Don't Do Drugs THE BOOK

We all love cautionary tales of junkie excess; Wonderland Ave, The Kid Stays In The Picture, Blow. The message is presented as "Don't do what I did." but really comes across more like, "Don't do what I did, UNLESS YOU WANT TO HAVE A HELLUVA LOT OF FUN!"
So, I'm working on writing one of my own. Here is how I imagine the marketing:

MARVEL!!! as our hero tries drugs and immediately embarks on a global, rock and roll adventure of epic proportions!!!

as lusty drug craving super models take our hero to places most of us would be truly willing to die for!!!

with envy as drug addiction and reckless, suicidal abandon give our hero a life worth reading about on your coffee breaks from your dull, meaningless job.

the exciting final chapter where our hero almost sucks dick for crack but stops at the last minute realizing that actually sucking dick for crack might cost him his book deal or at the very least lose him an important demographic!!!

as our hero continues sleeping with super model types who flock to his book signings where he, six months sober after a small post advance check relapse, warns us all of the terrible consequences of drug use.

Keep your eyes peeled for Don't Do Drugs THE MOVIE! as soon as the author recovers from his latest relapse enough to sign the release.

I think it'll be a best seller. Now I just need to find some drugs and super models. A little help please?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Wow, Exciting

I'm now booked at some of the most important comedy clubs in the country with a show that I believe has the potential to go really far. I'm super excited. If you know people in LA, Seattle, Mill valley, The Bay Area or even right here in Sacramento, please send them to our shows. Information at www.coexistComedy.com.

Of course I'm still doing my non-atheist themed stand up and I'm booked for a thirty minute set this coming Thursday at MVP Sports Grill here in town. If you're in Sacramento come on down. I'm going to be hanging out for a while afterwards too.