Monday, December 30, 2013

Some shit happened in 2013, and I tweeted about it

NY and New Jersey a mess after Hurricane Sandy
Republicans Peter King and Chris Christie decide Govt. shouldn't be TOO small. Want govt. in their business a little bit.

Pope quits, which is some shit that doesn't happen
The Pope was in the middle of trying to live tweet the Grammys when he just said, "Fuck it! I'm out.

The Pope is trying to quit. They're gonna kill him now right? Or is that the other big criminal organization based in Italy? I get mixed up.

Chris Dorner murders LAPD so LAPD murders him back
If he is wearing an "I'm not Chris Dorner, don't shoot me” t-shirt I will be impressed.

GOP responds to getting 0% of the minority vote by rolling out a minority member to explain their anti-minority policies.

New Pope got off to a rough start:
New pope: gay adoption = child abuse. So gays who want to adopt can rely on the church to pay all their legal fees?

When they announce the new Pope, everyone reply "Why not Zoidberg?" 'kay? It'll be HILARIOUS!

SCOTUS discusses same sex marriage
I'd like to apologize to everyone for giggling every time I hear "Oral argument" during the same sex marriage discussion.

Justice Scalia leaves an empty seat on either side of him while gay marriage is being discussed .

Paula Deen loses her job for being racist. SCOTUS guts Voting Rights Act.
Well, at least it looks like we're winning on TV.

Wendy Davis' amazing filibuster in Texas
Now they're chanting Wendy Wendy Wendy and I don't think its because they want square hamburgers. #standwithwendy

Gay Marriage legal in CA
During my plural marriage do we burn the bibles before or after sacrificing the goat? Not the goat I'm marrying, a different one.

George Zimmerman Acquitted
C'mon now folks, FLA isn't all bad. I mean, lets remember they are the state that delivered George W's 1st term...okay, bad example.


Obama says if he had a son, he'd look like Trayvon Martin, Right Goes Crazy
When rich white guys accuse a black guy of "starting a race war" I'm not sure which part is funniest but the word "starting" ranks high.

Ben Afleck cast as Bat Man, internet goes bat shit crazy.
My daughter cast me as The Friendly Dog Catcher, nobody much cares.

McDonald's Announces return of Monopoly Game
You could win a million dollars, but you're more likely to get diabetes and heart disease.

Govt. Shut down
Canadian born Ted Cruz is causing me to question my normally progressive views on immigration.

Cruz did not best a 24hr 18 minute filibuster against the 1957 civil rights act & so fails to be AS big an asshole as Strom Thurmond, barely

Obamacare.com stumbles in beta version
If a government capable of such sophisticated conspiracies can't put up a proper website, only one conclusion to draw: Libertarian Hackers!

Wait, so the govt. put up a website and it has bugs to work out? Unacceptable! This BS doesn't happen in the private sector!!!

Edward Snowden springs leak
Hey conspiracy theorists, that this administration seems to SUCK at keeping secrets, that's just part of the ruse right?

Knock Out Game joins razor blades in apples, Satanic Ritual Murder, LSD in Temporary Tattoos and other scary things that never really existed
To know if someone has played the knock out game you tie 'em up and put 'em in water to see if they float...

Goodbye Mandella, Goodbye Lou Reed, Goodbye (and good riddance) clueless “Friends”
One nice thing about a celebrity dying is I get to eliminate a bunch of hack wannabe comics from my FB and Twitter feeds.

Marriage is Gay
So I'm seeing the results of gay marriage being legal! Turns out, if you legalize gay marriage... GAY PEOPLE GET MARRIED!

Wait, there are folks who DON'T believe humans can affect climate by polluting, but DO believe we can affect it by treating gay people nice?


Obama Shakes hands with Raul Castro
Cuba just invaded Poland! Damn you and your handshaking ways Obama!!!

Duck Dynasty
You support free speech but A&E isn't free to choose who speaks for them? Duck dude says what he wants, and A&E airs who they want. Free.

Hey, I don't have a TV show! All this time I didn't even realize I was having my free speech oppressed! NO FAIR!

That the duck dude doesn't understand the 1st amendment is about as surprising as his being homophobic.

WAR ON CHRISTMAS
There are no atheists in foxholes? You mean except for in the war on Christmas right?

I wasn't gonna do Santa with my kid but now... I think black, gay Samantha Claus may be leaving some gifts 'neath the tree

Happy Hollidays? BUT THAT DOESN'T EXCLUDE NON-CHRISTIANS! WAAAAHHHH!!!

My boss: You shouldn't be listening to this. You don't believe in this. Me: You believe in Rudolph the red nosed reindeer?

Skynet goes live and kills us all
...

Monday, December 23, 2013

Fuck You, fan mail.

Monday, December 2, 2013

A Bible for The Kid!

Q: Is it okay if we get your daughter a bible with her name on it for Christmas? Asking because we don't want to disrespect your beliefs.

A 1: Sure. And hey, I have a copy of "Letter to a Christian Nation" by Sam Harris for your kid. I wrote her name on it with glitter, you know, for Christmas.

A 2: Oh My God! Have you actually read that book? SOOOOOOO not appropriate for children.

A 3: No. I appreciate the thought and even more, I appreciate you checking with us. We'd prefer to wait until she's a bit older than 4 before discussing how crazy we think pretty much everyone else is.

I went with a gentler version of #3.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Poopin' Reindeer and Atheists Celebrating Christmas

"No, you're not Christian, you can't celebrate Christmas. You gotta take the good with the bad."

This is just admitting that there is a considerable amount of bad. Like I've found some life-hack and you feel cheated. "You can't have all that guilt free masturbation AND get your annual gift wrapped copy of America's Best Comics. No. It takes 52 Sundays of getting up early to be bored out of your skull by someone who has no business being on a stage except that he excels at self righteousness before you're qualified to get new guitar strings and a reindeer who poops chocolate covered raisins in a fluffy red sock. You can't just march in here for the good stuff!"

I do have to hand it to you Christians, I love that reindeer. I just hold that thing up to my face, making it poop out the little treats right into my mouth as my family laughs and laughs. Happy Birthday Baby Jesus. 

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Dildo Nose Art

Here's a rerun:

My dad asked what movie we wanted to rent. My oldest brother, John, suggested Clockwork Orange.

"We're not getting Clockwork Orange!"

"Dad, it's an art movie!" John pleaded. I didn't know Clockwork Orange but I did know that "art movie" often meant nudity, and my interest was piqued.

"A guy running around with a dildo on his face isn't art!" Dad grumbled. Okay, movie added to my must see list.

"What's a dildo?" my mom asked in her thick Brooklyn accent, triggering a fit of giggles from her five sons.

"SHUT UP!" Dad snapped before explaining calmly to Mom, "It's an artificial penis." triggering more giggles.

"Why do you all know that?!" Mom asked, unleashing a storm of laughs Dad knew better than to even try to quell.

It would be another couple of years before I got to see Clockwork Orange. Totally worth the wait.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Run

I was having a run at the Y.
A man with a red tipped white cane found his way to the treadmill next to mine. He folded up his cane, an employee assisted him with pushing buttons to get the machine started, and then he was running along next to me.
Then he started to laugh. And then he laughed harder. He was running and laughing and it was contagious and I began to laugh. And the man on the other side of him began to laugh. And the three of us ran, and laughed, and ran. And then he yelled, still laughing, "I USUALLY CAN'T RUN!" And we all laughed harder still, and cried too.
It was the best run of my life, and I still think of him sometimes when I'm out for some exercise and I appreciate how great it feels to just run.

Monday, October 28, 2013

DWP not as dangerous as DWB.

Another comedian, my friend Johnny, and I had a gig in Mill Valley, a very wealthy neighborhood North of San Francisco. As we were leaving a cop pulled me over. He seemed pleasant enough as he came to my window.

"You know why I pulled you over?" he asked, as they do.

Yeah, because I'm a driving a 10 year old Toyota Corolla in Mill Valley, I thought. "No officer, was I speeding?" I said.

"No, but you didn't stop at that stop sign back there."

You mean the one I just stopped at?, I thought. "Oh, I must not have seen it." I said.

"No problem. So, what brings you to Mill Valley?" he asked, confirming my suspicion.

We're looking for rich old ladies to rob, I thought. "We're comics. We just performed at the theater." I said.

"Oh, great, great. You're performers. Let me run your license real quick and we'll get you on the road." He then ran my license, found me warrant free and told us to have a nice night. No ticket, though I'd supposedly run a stop sign.

I'd been pulled over just for being poor in a rich neighborhood. "Damn!" I said to Johnny as I pulled away from the curb, this must be what black people feel like." Then I thought for a minute and added "... I mean, except for that part where he let us go."

Johnny seemed distracted. I'm pretty sure he was looking for old ladies to rob.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I lose a phone face off for the first time

"Do you have room to take on more work?"
No.

"Don't you want to make more money?"
No. We have too much money. It's everywhere. I have a full time employee who just goes around shoveling it into drawers, burying it, finding places to put it. I tried buying everyone ice cream. Turns out ice cream isn't that expensive.

"I think the solution is to make more money."
Yeah, well, the cash is always greener on the other side. I'm telling you it's awful. Have you ever gotten a paper cut from a dirty $500 bill?

"No, I haven't. I take it you get a lot of these calls?"
Yes, I do.

"I can guarantee you I'm different than anyone else who has called you."
Well so far you sound really similar including that part about being different.

She didn't give up. I finally said "No thanks but I admire your tenacity." and hung up myself. First time I've been beat.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Friday, September 20, 2013

Hey, I don't call them, they call me! More GOOGLE!

"We can get you on the front page of Google."
Yeah? How much'll Google pay us for that.
"No, you pay Google."
Why would I pay THEM to fill up THEIR website?
"Sir it's marketing."
Well if I go to the MARKET and I buy some oranges, them oranges didn't pay to be there.
"Well sir, Google has to make money."
Then they better sell the oranges!
"... "
Hey, I'm looking at the front page, Google.com, and it doesn't have anything on it but Google. It just says Google. Nobody has paid to be on the front page I guess. I don't think this is a good plan.

Dude hangs up at this point. VICTORY!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

And now for some Atheist Community Blah Blah Blah

Here is a link to JT Eberhard's description of an incident involving Bria Crutchfield and an attendee of the Great Lakes Atheist Convention.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2013/08/on-the-bria-crutchfield-outburst-at-the-great-lakes-atheist-convention/

And Jen McCreight’s response to JT.



Sounds to me like someone said some racist shit and Bria Crutchfield got emotional. Some reports even say that she had some tears and said she was sorry at the end of her emotional response.
 


I don't get why she'd need to be called out on this. I don't see any sign that it was gonna become a regular thing, people saying racist shit at atheist cons and other people getting emotional about it. Seems to me the first response should have been concern and understanding for Bria. If it were to become a regular thing, I'd want to address the people saying the racist shit to find a solution, not the people being most upset by it.


As for the woman who asked the ignorant question and got an earful, I think a-lot can be determined by how she responded to being called out. Was her response regret and remorse or defensiveness? How did she react to seeing that Bria was so upset by her comment? I don't know the answer. I'm not without sympathy for this woman who may have been ignorant in the true sense of the word. My hope is that the emotion may have jolted her into paying more attention to the words that were being spoken not less.
Analogy time; When a woman yells STOP at a man in a parking lot, a man who may have been innocently walking in her direction because maybe that's where his car is, the right response isn't, “Fuck you, I'm just going to my car.” it's “Oh, didn't realize I was scaring someone.” and stopping, and letting her get safely in her car before proceding. Because even though he doesn't assault women he knows that she lives in a world where women are assaulted and he's sensitive to that, just as the woman at this convention should be sensitive to the racism that Bria no doubt deals with daily.


Could Bria have responded better. Maybe. Striving to be calm and composed even in the face of idiocy is a noble goal, we could all be more like Mr. Spock, but I don't think it's my place (or JT's) to call out a woman of color for how she responds to racism (even if it was inadvertent racism). Obviously if Bria had been violent or threatening that would have to be addressed but instead she just responded a bit late, during a different speaker. I think that's quite understandable. I can imagine the emotions building and growing as she sat there and I can relate. I do hear JT saying that the anger was justified but how she dealt with the anger was inappropriate. I think that when we recognize that an emotional response is understandable, we should also be accepting that emotional responses tend not to be calculated and perfectly timed. 


All that said, I like JT. I like him a lot. I think he is wrong here. But, I think he is doing his best to be intellectually consistent and is acting with integrity. I will not demonize JT or cast him as a racist. I don't think that JT's motive is to silence minority voices even as I think his response to Bria may inadvertently have just that effect. 



And now, as many of the bigger names in the atheist movement get drawn into yet another noisy controversy, let me address the divisiveness concern. Woohoo! I've heard it said that infighting is the biggest weakness of the left. I've always thought it was our biggest strength. And with atheism this holds true also. What did we want/expect? A monolithic school of united atheists in lockstep? Lets fight, debate, divide. Our numbers continue to grow. We don't believe in god(s). That's enough unity for me. And we can rally when need be. We can come together in amazing numbers to fight for separation of church and state, just as fundamentalist Christians and Mormons had no trouble putting aside their considerable differences to fight to deny gay people equal rights. As I've said before, we can't slam moderate religious people for not calling out more extreme religious people while we ourselves put aside such self critique so as not to be divisive.

(Should the video of the exchange surface I of course reserve the right to revisit my thoughts on this.)

Monday, August 12, 2013

Stand Up Comedy How To

This is a work in progress. I will share this with some of my students and friends who I've talked comedy with and try to get all of the helpful advice I can packed in here. So come back, and see more added until I decide it's done and remove this message.

Here are some rules and guidelines I have developed over a decade plus of writing and performing stand up comedy. Every "Rule" I've observed is broken by someone who succeeds wildly anyway. The rules are for when it doesn't work and you want to know why. Ask yourself what rules you're breaking and then ask yourself if you're breaking that rule on purpose and if it's stopping the bit from working. If you want to keep breaking the rule that is getting in your way, you'll have some work getting around it. So these aren't hard fast rules I expect anyone to follow, they're rules I think you'd be wise to be aware of and the have fun playing with and breaking.

"Brevity is the soul of wit."
Probably the best thing ever written about comedy. Keep it short, keep it efficient. Sometimes the efficiency itself is the joke. Hearing a complex thought explained succinctly can be a thrill.

There are long jokes that work great, of course. I like to think of it this way; every word in a joke is weight. The punch line has to carry that weight. The more words, the stronger that punch line needs to be. Little laughs on the way to the punch can also throw a bit of weight overboard.

Wait for it... wait for it...
Give your punch line a chance. You tell your punch line and then they laugh, if you wait for them to laugh. There is that pause before they start laughing, that pause while their brain processes what was just said, and/or makes sure you're done. That moment is when we face the terrifying prospect of them NOT laughing. Pesky self preserving instincts will often see a comic throw in some words here to cover their ass. Words that say, "No, I wasn't pausing. I didn't expect you to laugh there, ha ha, nah, that wasn't even the joke." Sadly this steps on the laugh and kills it. One MUST have the confidence to take that risk. And next up is a tool to give you that confidence

How To Bomb
Knowing what to do when they don't laugh helps a-lot in having the guts to risk them not laughing. Having a joke bomb can actually be a gift. I like the definition of comedy "Creating tension and relieving it in a surprising way." When a punch line doesn't get a laugh, there's your tension. It's a very real tension too and anything you do that says to the audience, "It's okay. I'm alright. We're good." will be a huge relief. When a joke bombs a line as simple as, "Yeah, that bombed." will get a laugh, every time. Of course, you should have some fun and come up with something better and more unique but you want to recover and give your next joke a fair show, so use that if you need to use that. I have seen comics win an audience over, really get the audience on their side, without a single joke working.

Homework: Watch the late night talk shows. The monologues they turn in are gonna feature a lot of bombs. Along with their writers they have to churn out a lot of comedy and they don't get a chance to test it at an open mic, and rewrite, and try it again, and do it at a showcase, etc. So, they bomb a lot of jokes and get the biggest laughs they get out of dealing with these bombs. Johnny Carson was the master of this, swinging the golf club, knocking on the microphone, blaming the writers.

Open Mics are Invaluable and Horrible
 If you're thinking of trying stand up comedy. Go to an open mic. Seeing people at all different skill and experience levels really humanizes comedy, especially if you've mostly seen the best of the best performing on television. And being there in the crowd, for me anyway, made it feel do-able.

Performing at open mics is the way it begins and mostly, it sucks. You get five minutes if that, and it goes by too quick and the audience is bored, or exhausted or just made up of other comics or all of the above. Do it. And do it again. And occasionally it'll be awesome. When at last you get to perform at a showcase or opening for a touring headliner you'll be amazed at how much easier it is to get over. So keep pushing through and build them comedy muscles.

The Notebook
 It's not just a sappy love story, it's also a comedians most valuable tool. Whether it be an actual notebook, your smart phone, whatever, write down every funny thought that occurs to you. Most every comic I know has that memory of that one joke idea that they were so sure was the best joke ever but by the time they got a chance to write it down... they'd forgotten it. All they remember is that it was gonna be the one that made them, the one that would make the whole world laugh so hard they'd forget to wage war, the one that would save us all and bring harmonic balance to the universe. The ghost of that joke will haunt them forever.
And be organized. I had a comic friend who was blowing important gigs because he was just doing whatever jokes he could think of in the moments before he went up. When he actually sat down and reviewed his years of notes and made a list of all his jokes he not only had a much better A-list set for auditions and big gigs, but he was surprised to find he has a pretty solid hour, at least 30 more than he thought he had.

Notes On Stage
 Better to have them handy and not need them than to need them and not have them. Better to use them than to try to go without them before you're ready. I see professional headliners stash a set list by their beer all the time. They tell a joke and while they give the audience a moment to laugh they step back, sip their beer and see what joke they wanted to tell next. Part of this working is giving your jokes a short name so the list can be efficient and easily read at a glance, and put your jokes in a logical order so you remember what triggers what.

The Punch Comes at The End
It's surprising how easy it is to mess up this seemingly obvious bit of formatting. Know your punchline. They're the words that make people laugh, the words that relieve the tension, the surprise, the twist. Make sure you've structured your joke so they are the last words you say. For the why of this one, see "Wait for it... Wait for it... " above.

Believability
We have no problem with Superman flying, outrunning bullets, being impervious to bullets, leaping tall buildings in a single bound and all that. What we have trouble with is Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane not recognizing him when his costume consists of a pair of glasses.
We're given a reason to believe those other things. He's from another planet. He's not human. We are not given a reason for Jimmy and Lois, two journalism professionals, being so clueless. And so we scoff.
You don't have to tell the truth, but you do have to be believable. Emo Phillips really stretches this, with his outrageous tales but they work largely because he presents such an outrageous character to begin with. We can suspend disbelief when we look at his hair, clothes, body and when we hear his voice.
I've seen really good bits get thrown off by an outrageous aside and more often than not, it can be fixed by just presenting the outrageous thought as a fiction.
Example: Um... hang on. I'm gonna come with a good example I promise.

Look up, not at your feet.
(Unless you're Mitch Hedberg, in which case you're dead.)

Anatomy of a joke (explaining tags)
Paranoid works well to illustrate this

How not to be an asshole
Who is the butt of the joke? Are you laughing up or laughing down? When doing crowd work, are you picking on the easiest target in the room?

Own it.
Woody Allen, Bob Newhart, Rodney Dangerfield all had a stage presence that was enhanced by them embracing their nerves, stutter, big ol' sweatiness. If you can't beat it, make it a strength. Be who you are up there because fighting it will be distracting.


Specificity
Don't say car. Say Toyota Corolla. Try Acura, see if it gets a bigger laugh. Don't say some guy, say Bob. Don't say pet, say hamster, or better yet Dwarf Hamster. Be specific. It's funnier.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Be More Skeptical, Look Less Stupid

Below is an email I received and following that, my reply. 

"Recognize this guy?
And now you see the rest of the story !!
The Media in our country is agenda driven
         
 No wonder George Zimmerman was scared for his life ,
I would have been too!

Sure different than what we see on TV.

Recognize this guy?
 
Do you know who this is?
It is Little Trayvon Martin !
At 17 yrs of age.

  Don't know how much coverage this story has had in your area,
but, if it has, here'sa new look at it!

For those of us who thought we were well informed
and weren't .... quite the realty check.

That old adage applies here: "there are two sides to every story."
We don't always get the truth from the media.

One of my favorite rants - the media, television news,
newspapers, magazines, radio; all continue to show 12 year


old Trayvon;

NOT 17 year old Trayvon.

They continue to show the 5 year old picture BECAUSE
it helps to cement in your mind the cute, little, hoodie-wearing youngster who was stalked by this monster.

In reality "little Trayvon" at the time of his death stood
almost 6'2" tall and weighed 175 muscular pounds.
He had numerous run ins with authorities (both at school and local police), had been stopped and almost arrested
two days before his death for smacking a bus driver in the face
because the driver refused to let him ride for free. He was released because the driver was told not to press charges by the bus company and to continue on his route.

When "little Trayvon" was suspended at school it was not only because he tried
to bring a little marijuana in with him, he was in possession of wedding rings and other jewelry,  watches, etc. that he said he "found"
along with a large screwdriver while on the way to school that day.
The jewelry was turned over to the Police by the school.

I am not trying to say this was a good shooting.

I am not trying to say this kid deserved to die. I am saying the media
in the USA is controlled by those who twist and distort what you see and hear
in order for you to see things their way.

Not a single paper has printed RECENT photos of this kid,
because it would not keep your interest in this case.

Not a single paper will admit that this kid was a marijuana dealer.
His friends on Facebook all say he had the "best plants".
Not a single paper will show you any of his recent photos where
he shows off a mouthful of gold teeth and all of his tattoos.

Not a single newspaper will tell the news like it really is...
and NOT how they want you to think it is...

The President looked at the FIVE year old photo the
media chose to show the Nation and said, "If I had a
son...he would look like Trayvon.."

So from that comment should I assume you did not bother to
look for the facts in this shooting..or should I assume you want
a son who is a 17 year old drug dealing, gold teethed, tattooed thug whose name
on one of his facebook profiles was "Wild Nigga"
who 'finds" jewelry and burglary tools on the way to school?

A fair and impartial news media in the USA ? One that does
not follow an agenda? Is NOT looking to further
divide this already fractured Nation?

I didn't compose this. I'm only passing it on.

Never trust the news media for anything."




And, my reply:

That image is of rapper Jayceon Terrell Taylor, better known by his stage name The Game. Google him to see for yourself. 

His photo became linked with the story because he commented on it.

Read more here: http://www.snopes.com/photos/politics/martin.asp 

Now then, will you forward this again with the correction? Is the truth as important to you as forwarding your agenda is? Will you hold yourself to the standards you just claimed to hold the media to? I'm guessing no.

Be more skeptical. You'll look less stupid.


 

Friday, August 2, 2013

I can hear the fireworks going off from the baseball stadium and I thought "Hurrah, We're celebrating the very small chance that maybe we're not dying quite as fast as it appears."

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Congratulations.

This past weekend I went to my first marriage of a same-sex couple. Congrats Jaye and Jo. I should specify, this was the first marriage of a same sex couple I'd been to since it became legal again. I'd been to several shadowy, underground weddings. Will we rhapsodize about the exciting days of illegal weddings?

I have a problem with the FB app on my Android phone. It keeps linking new posts with events even days after they've passed. So yesterday I remember that I'd snapped a selfie while sitting on the toilet and I decide to post it with the caption "Pooping" because I'm classy like that. Just a dumb Facebook joke. But my damn phone strikes again and...

I'm "Pooping at Jaye and Jo get Married."

I have a lot of friends from many different parts of the country and from many different political stripes and most of them are cool with marriage equality, otherwise we probably wouldn't be friends, but many of them don't actually know any gay people and aren't likely to be attending a marriage of a same sex couple anytime soon. So, they look at my posts and they get a peak at a world that is foreign to them, and now they associate it with pooping. Oops. Sorry. I'm a pretty poor choice for ambasador.

For the record. I did NOT poop at Jaye and Jo's wedding. They got married in a park and I'm not too big on public bathrooms but especially public bathrooms in parks. I pre-pooped. It was a lovely wedding though, and again, congrats to the couple.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Y Tu Mama Tambien!

So... tonight was... um... fun.

I get onstage and I'm in the middle of my first joke and a woman starts talking to a man at the table next to her, but she is on the opposite side of her table, so she's yelling and just the audacity of it, to start yelling to some guy in the middle of a comic's set, it floors me and so I say, "Hey shut up." Not a great heckler put down, but then again she was not a great heckler.

Well she is livid, just appalled that I'd be so rude as to tell her to shut up when she's trying to have a conversation. She glares at me during the rest of my set, which does very well, I was really pleased with how some newer somewhat personal material went over.

I get to my last joke, a light pun that I want to close with and now she has gotten up and is talking to the dude again over in another part of the cafe, loudly.

I say, "Excuse me. Are you really still talking?"

She is oblivious to having become a part of the show again, does not realize I'm talking to her at all but as I get louder she has to lean in and put her hand over her ear to hear the dude she's talking to. And with that, I'm off.

"I'm sorry, is it too LOUD IN HERE? IS IT HARD TO HEAR? IS THE COMEDY SHOW TOO LOUD MAKING IT HARD TO HEAR EACH OTHER OVER THE COMEDIANS?"

Here is where it gets complicated. Her daughter works there. She was behaving this poorly while hanging out in red skinny jeans at her daughter's work. And her daughter yells at me, "SHUT UP!"

I keep going, I'm on a role, I used to work for Spike and Mike and haven't had a need/chance to flex these muscles in awhile. "YOU WANT ME TO SHUT UP? THE GUY WHO THEY GAVE THE MICROPHONE TO? THE GUY PLUGGED INTO THE SOUND SYSTEM, WITH ALL THE SEATS FACING HIM, STANDING ON A STAGE WITH STAGE LIGHTS AT A SHOW WITH HIS NAME ATTACHED THAT THESE FOLKS PAID TO SEE, HE IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO SHUT UP?"

Mom kept calling me an asshole as they huffed down the hallway. Each asshole getting a thunderous laugh. I took a deep breath, told the last three lines of the joke she'd interrupted, and said goodnight and THAT my friends is why you don't miss a single Comedy Night at Luna's.

UPDATE: She is giving me what for on my FB page now: https://www.facebook.com/kljfans/posts/10151839047697873?comment_id=30152949&offset=0&total_comments=102

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Ten Reasons Why Your Rape Joke Isn't Working Bro

10. Too believable. You're coming off too rapey. Some say the best way to fix this is not to tell rape jokes. This is what's known as The Rape Joke Paradox.
 9. Liberal Left Wing Agenda.
 8. Too many pussy whipped dudes in the crowd with their wives or girlfriends.
 7. ABC's The View
 6. You didn't yell the punch line loud enough
 5. You didn't actually repeat the word rape enough times
 4. They hate your freedom
 3. Feminists have no sense of humor
 2. They're frightened (and kind of excited) by your house arrest anklet
 1. You're too nice.

Was gonna add "They're gay. They're fuckin' gay." But I realized that in Bro-Speak, #7 already covered that.
Also, I'm pretty sure Obama had something to do with it

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Hey Gay, You're A-Okay! Gimme a G, Gimme a A, Gimme a Y! YAY GAY!

When I see a two dudes walking through Disneyland holding hands I do the right thing, I leave 'em alone. I just let 'em be gay at Disneyland in peace. But I know that they're being brave, and I know that they get shit, and what I WANT to do is run up to them and say, "Hey! I for one, am totally cool with you being gay! I think it's great! Here, be gay in front of my daughter. I don't mind. I love it. Look honey, see the nice gay guys, aren't they great!"

I know this would be inappropriate and I know it would get tedious having your Magic Kingdom experience interrupted repeatedly so you could help straight dudes address their hetero guilt (Is that a thing? Did I just coin that?) but wouldn't it also be kind of awesome? On some level? Maybe?

Couldn't there be something like what sports fans have? When my brother sees a Dodgers cap or a Rams jersey he comments on it and has this instant almost tribal camaraderie. I guess I just hit on why we liberals love bumper stickers so much, but then we feel guilty for driving. I could wear a rainbow flag t-shirt but that's false advertising and being a tease (cause we all know what I got going on is HOT!) and those "Straight but not narrow t-shirts" just seem a bit too close to saying "I'M NOT GAY! Not that there's anything wrong with that."

So, um, anyway, dudes holding hands at Disneyland, I hope you had a good time, and also you HELLA cut in front of us for Small World. Not cool.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

We did in fact get the healthcare.

Lady at HR helping me enroll in insurance plan some years ago: Okay, so that should cover both you and your partner. How long have you and Bryan been together?

Me: Um, that's actually Bryna. My girlfriend's name is Bryna.

Lady: Oh..., I'm sorry. I thought...

Me: Yeah that's fine, I get that a lot. We still get the healthcare right?

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Monday, June 17, 2013

Please, no felafel for Superman!

Walking through San Francisco, maybe my favorite city I've even been to, munching on street vender felafel, definitely my favorite food in the world, and digging the business and music of a street festival on a beautiful day. And then... Much to my amazement I pass a lady, clown, face-painter torturing some poor kid with slam poetry. "You can call me, I am clown You can call me, I am magic You can call me, I am..." The faulty grammar alone was killing me. If I had jumped in right then and grabbed that kid away from her, and delivered him back to his confused and helpless parents, I'd have rightly been called a hero. But I had my hands full of felafel that I was not willing to sacrifice. Maybe things are so rough in the middle east because that's where the felafel is at?

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Atheist Christmas / X-Mas of Infamy

December 7th of this year in Sacramento, CA, I'll be recording my 4th album, to come out in 2014 on Stand Up! Records. I hope you can make it. This is way early notice, but I want to really work to build something epic with this one. Updates as they become available. Putting together a team now to make this happen like it ought to happen.
Facebook event page here: https://www.facebook.com/events/259769387502895/?notif_t=plan_user_joined

Monday, March 25, 2013

Resisting


This post is doing really well on Reddit. That's nice. Check it out for yourself: http://redd.it/1az1e7

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Sudafed


Wow. This graphic actually reached the number one spot on Reddit.com! Not a Subreddit, but the front page, which is of course "The front page of the internet." So that means I won at internet yeah? I'm excited. Now its being shared on lots of other sites like Cheezeburger.com. Pretty neat. I'm gonna post graphics to Reddit every Monday for awhile. Hopefully some more will hit.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Rolling: The Highs (episode III)

Dora and Max

Last night I'm Watching Dora with my daughter Max.
Dora asks the kids to yell things or point at things to help her, which Max does at first but then stops.

Max, don't you wanna help Dora?

"She'll work it out."

HA HA! And of course, Dora did just fine. Max taught her independence.

Monday, March 18, 2013

You can fuck later!

Hey guys, if you have ANY room to doubt whether or not there is consent, don't do it. You can have sex another time. Because not having sex right this instant isn't going to kill you, or make you a rapist.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Sex With Condoms Doesn't Count

Hey Christian teens, the truth about why they don't want you wearing condoms is... the sex doesn't count! That's right. Have all the sex you want, so long as you wear a condom each time you're still a virgin and can "give yourself" to your beloved on your wedding night! You're welcome. 
(My misinformation is better than their misinformation.)

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Rolling Episode II: The Flow


I really love this episode because it shows the kind of fun a teetotaler comic can get up to on the road and it shows you how much fun the atheist crowd can be. No, we don't just sit around discussing our lack of belief in gods all day. We also have Nerf wars! The "war" footage is from last year's trek to perform at Skepticon!

Gimme Five!

When I was in 4th grade I saw a rotten kid throwing rocks at the seagulls that congregated around our school during lunch break. He hit one and went for a celebratory "Gimme five" from his buddy. A bird shit right on his hand.

Life peaked early. I'm 41 years old and I've seen many things but I doubt anything will ever replace this as the coolest moment of my life. The astronauts who walked on the moon suffered depression when they had to go back to the mundanities of everyday life. I feel like I can relate.

I once looked out my window at exactly the right time to see a drag queen who thought she was alone lift her skirt to pop her balls back into her panties as she crossed the street at 3am. That was pretty great, but no seagull giving a kid a shit five.

Friday, March 8, 2013

The One Full Beard Tour

Keith Lowell Jensen and Johnny Taylor met doing comedy. They soon found out they shared the same birthday, were born at the same hospital in Corona, CA, and they had hair on opposite parts of their faces!!!
Though both are highly skeptical of all things supernatural it quickly became clear that the universe wanted them to perform comedy together. They are confident that by the time this tour ends the world will have experienced a cosmic shift. Burritos and Falafel will be plentiful even outside of urban centers. Fans of opposing sports teams will agree to settle their differences with fight simulating dance-offs. The President of The United States of America will stop killing kids with drones. And grocery stores will again stock real orange juice, made by squeezing oranges.
You're welcome.

Dates so far:

March 19th, Blue Lagoon Santa Cruz CA
March 21st, El Dorado Saloon, El Dorado Hills CA
April 2, Vintage Lounge, Turlock, CA
April 4, Humbrews, Arcata CA
April 5, Blue Room, Chico CA, 8 and 10pm
May 1, Luna's Cafe, Sacramento CA
May 17th, 18th, Fetterly Playhous, Vallejo, CA
May 24th, Curious Comedy Theatre Portland, OR
May 25th, Seattle, WA
May 26th, Seattle, WA
July 3, Win River Casino, Redding CA
(more to come)

Monday, March 4, 2013

Movie Pitch Monday: Killing

Charlie finds out his best buddy Dean and his girlfriend have been having an affair. She has been going to see said friend at a local comedy clubs open mic night, then having sex with him in his van in the parking lot. Charlie is despondent. He considers suicide. Decides to do it in the van, so they find him. Puts a blade to his wrists, figuring that'll do a job on the upholstery. He can't go through with it. He's about to leave the van when Dean comes back.

Dean assumes he was waiting to attack him. Dean explains that she wanted to dump Charlie for him. Dean said "No way. He was just in it for the pussy. He doesn't need some "Crazy bitch" hanging on. Especially one who couldn't suck a dick worth a damn anyway. Charlie loses his temper, Dean loses lots of blood and then his ability to be alive. Dean pulls him into the van. In a daze he heads into the club, hiding his blood soaked hands. He washes up in the bathroom and comes out to see his girlfriend in the front row looking angry. The emcee calls for Charlie. Girlfriend looks about, annoyed. Emcee repeats Charlie's name. Emcee is about to go on when Dean speaks up, "Can I go up in his place." Emcee introduces Charlie.

"Sorry, I.. I haven't um, done this.... "

Heckler, "You suck!"

Charlie, "You know I could fucking kill you. I just killed Dean, thats why I'm here. I don't know that double homicide would put me in any worse a place than just regular old homicide. And really, killing a fat, stupid, drunk heckler is pretty excusable. Everyone knows you deserve it so, that might actually strengthen my argument that Dean deserved it to." the crowd cheers.

Charlie starts telling jokes about his recent suicide note "You can my records but, I'm taking all my pills. Toodles." and other dark subject matter. Has a decent set.

Charlie goes on the road. Kills a heckler, an asshole club owner, an abusive road comic who treats female fans like shit. All the while getting better and better at stand up, doing mostly dark material.

A cop is connecting the dots and starting to close in on Charlie.

End, cop is crossing golden gate bridge, finds Charlies car, finds a suicide note. Looks into the bay. Calls it in.

A comic built a lot like charlie is performing at a small roadside bar with strainers on his head, pretending to be a fly. A woman is heckling him hard. Zoom in on Fly's face...

Monday, February 25, 2013

Movie Pitch Monday: The Mustache

Frank Combs is a driver safety trainer in a small town. He is a bit obsessive about driver safety, hence passionate about and good at his job. The kids like him, but he doesn't always get their respect.

The small town's one claim to fame is a serial killer who terrorized the town and neighboring towns in the seventies. Frank is often said to resemble this killer. The killer however wore a big, beautiful, seventies porn 'stache on his upper lip.

Halloween is coming. Frank is very excited about his costume. He is growing a beard for it. No one is able to guess who Frank is going to be at the school's big Halloween dance. The night of the dance, Frank shaves the beard, leaving just the 'stache, puts on some 70s style duds, grabs an axe and walks into the dance as "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Alice Cooper blasts over the sound system. At first kids move away from him, genuinely frightened. Then he gets a slow clap, round of applause. His cool fades and the shy, awkward guy comes back. He's getting much positive feedback.

Later in the night, someone spikes the punch at the dance. The non-drinking Mr. Combs is accidentally intoxicated. He decides to walk home.

On the way home, after puking in front of a yogurt shop full of kids, still carrying his axe, he comes across some "cool kids" who are getting ready to drive off, obviously drunk. He tries to stop them, being lighthearted at first but things heat up pretty quickly. The kids are tossing the keys around, playing keep away, and as he climbs into their huge SUV to get the keys, they jump in around him, grabbing the real keys from the visor, and taking off. He tells them to stop but they don't listen. He puts on his seat belt. Nobody else does. They're going faster and faster to scare their teacher. He takes his axe, reaches the steering wheel with it and intentionally pulls, steering the car off the road where it hits a tree. Everyone in the car dies but Mr. Combs, who comes out mostly unscathed.

Combs walks home, takes a shower. Is visibly shaken. He shaves his mustache off before falling asleep in front of the tv. When he wakes up the news is reporting the accident and its being dismissed as just that, a drunk driving accident where all involved perished. He is relieved, makes his way to the bathroom, grabs aspirin and downs it, shuts the medicine cabinet door and is surprised to see the mustache still on his face.
He mutters that he thought he'd shaved it. He shaves it. He goes out about his Saturday.

At the shopping mall Combs is greeted by, "Great 'stache!" and "Oh god, I thought you were gonna shave that thing." He joins the grieving for the kids that died, much of which is silly and maudlin. He goes home and shaves his 'stache off again. Towels lip dry, as he lowers towel, 'stache is back.

Combs continues trying to lose the 'stache but it won't go away. He gives up. He goes about his life. Things seem normal except that now he is increasingly enraged when he sees unsafe driving and he sees it EVERYWHERE, until, finally... he snaps. Combs starts killing kids for not driving safely, always making it look like they died from unsafe driving practices. Comedic high point when he is getting very upset at a kid playing with Hot Wheels in the park, and steering the Hot Wheels recklessly. The kids mother saves his life when she scoops him up and gives Combs a dirty look. The kid sticks his tongue at Combs who does a finger across the throat threat back at him.

Climactic scene when Combs gives up on the entire Senior class, hi-jacks the class trip bus, and goes on a rampage on the freeway. He runs people off the road who try to pass on the right, slams on the breaks when tailgated and teaches class all the while telling the kids how to drive safely. The one misfit kid who always treated the teacher good gets his trust, gets him to pull over, and then grabs him, and throws him out of the bus into traffic where he is killed.

At the end of the movie misfit kid and a female friend are putting flowers on Combs' tombstone. She touches his upper lip and says "Are you growing a mustache?" Misfit answers, "No!" somewhat incredulously. They get in her car and he notices her rearview mirror is broke. "You shouldn't be driving with that like that." She laughs it off. He looks in the passenger side mirror and sees a mustache on his face. He is confused. The car drives off into the sunset.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Elf Orgy Available NOW


My new album, Elf Orgy is now officially available for download from iTunes and Amazon.com.

To buy it on iTunes:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/elf-orgy/id593810452

On Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Elf-Orgy-Explicit/dp/B00B31AE8I/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361292519&sr=8-1&keywords=elf+orgy

Or, if you prefer an actualy physical CD to hold in your hand as opposed to a download:
www.kljshop.com

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Joan Rivers Snuff Porn

A track from Elf Orgy, Keith Lowell Jensen's new album on Stand Up! Records. Now available for pre-order on iTunes. https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/elf-orgy/id593810452
Available Feb. 19th on Amazon.com

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Reviews for Elf Orgy

The Reviews have begun to roll in for my new album and so far so good.

The title track is very odd and funny as hell
The Serious Comedy Site

"even the title of the album is hilarious"  "Listen to this album. It's fantastic."
Submerge Magazine

"The damn thing was hilarious and I laughed my ass off." "His best work"
JT Eberhard WWJTD

"Hilarious"
Sacramento News and Review

 "Jensen’s comedy has a relaxed pace that lets his ideas float out & do their work by themselves"
Stage Time Magazine


More as the come in...

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Doug Loves Movies, and tolerates me

Hey, here is a link to listen to Doug Loves Movies, with me guesting along side Ngaio Bealum, and Rory Scovel. That's pretty cool!
http://player.fm/series/doug-loves-movies/ngaio-bealum-rory-scovell-and-keith-lowell-jensen-guest

It was a good time doing the show but also kinda stressful. I really wanted to nail it but its so far outside of what I normally do. I think part of the reason I'm driven to do stand up is the control. I can put my self out there socially but I'm rehearsed and in control and so my social anxieties are mostly dealt with. So, to enter that zone, where I'm amplified, illuminated, on a stage but I have to just roll with it, that bugs me out. My favorite moment is when Doug says he'll never have me on again and takes my microphone! I read it as only half joking, pretty sure that I was in fact annoying him. I knew I had to do something to redeem myself, and I think I did. Hopefully I get to do it again! I left the taping, hopped in a car and raced to San Francisco to audition for The Great American Comedy Festival.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

When The Truth Knocks, Will You Answer?

Knock! Knock!
Who's There? 
Truther 
Truther Who?
I don't think anyone really knocked on the door. The government wants you to believe someone knocked. Why did the news originally report a ding dong noise? And what about the peep-hole. Wouldn't the homeowner have just looked through the peep-hole? There were reports of a second "knocker" that have just disappeared, not to be talked about after the first ten minutes of the story breaking. Did anyone examine the supposed knockers knuckles? The neighbors to the right and left didn't hear knocking. The town where the knocking occurred is a doorbell manufacturing town AND most of the homes have screen doors. If you add up the knocks it equals 2. September 11th, 11 looks like the roman numeral 2. If you don't see the Illuminati in this you're not looking hard enough. And why does my spell-check know to capitalize Illuminati? Microsoft is so in on this. Our country's security systems are run on Microsoft. Take off the blinders and put down the kool-aid,
they'll be "knocking" on your door next!!!

Monday, January 7, 2013

She said it alright!

Danielle, fiddling with tripod: "I didn't know it got this long."
Me: "That's what she said!"
Danielle: "Dammit, I knew as soon as it came out of my mouth..."
Me: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!! DOUBLE POINTS!!! YES! YES! YES!
Danielle: ... I hate you.