Friday, November 7, 2014

You Can Pre-Order Atheist Christmas Now!

Atheist Christmas, my new special and album is now available to pre-order.

The physical product features both the DVD AND the CD, I promise.
It got listed weird, which we're trying to fix, but if you look it says "Number of Discs: 2". That 2nd disc is the DVD.
Buy it here: http://amzn.to/1wMmge2

For the digital versions:
Video on Amazon: http://amzn.to/1pzNl70
Audio on Amazon: http://amzn.to/1pxj6xN
Audio on iTunes: http://bit.ly/1tQPlYz

I will update this as it becomes available in more ways, and remember I have three other albums out on iTunes, Amazon, and at KLJShop.com. THANKS!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Johnny Taylor "Tangled Up In Plaid"

I have a huge bias here, as Johnny Taylor is one of my best friends, but we sought each other out to work together and then became friends because we liked each other's comedy, and Johnny's first album captures what it is that I love about his stand up.

His slow, steady delivery, amazing story telling, and dark sensibilities are all present. It's confidence to the point of arrogance the way he refuses to "sell" the jokes. He puts 'em out there patiently, and lets the writing get whatever laugh it's gonna get. The laughs come through.

The one point where a particularly dark joke doesn't get a laugh from the crowd gets one from the comic as he relishes in the shocked silence. If you're not familiar with Johnny Taylor's comedy, please don't think I'm describing a "shock" comic, not at all. Johnny's shocks come from an honest and sincere place where he doesn't steer clear of them rather than mining them for cheap thrills. He is the real deal.

I'm excited that this is coming out on Sept 23rd from Stand Up! Records.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My First Viking Funeral

My daughter keeps day pets. Anything she can catch we let her keep for a day and then she lets them go again. She felt terrible when her centipede didn't make it to the release party and asked if she could give her a viking funeral. My wife helped make it so. I came home on my lunch break to attend my first viking funeral.
The Deceased

The Viking Ship (with leaves for fuel)

The Ocean

My Daughter Says a Few Words

Setting Sail

Mama Supplies The Flaming Arrows

The Boat Sinks (with a bit of help)



Monday, July 21, 2014

Fighting With The Parking Tyrant at The State Fair

Parking lot guy at Cal Expo: Sorry, cash only.

Me: Oh, um, I don't think I have cash.

Guy: You can go out the first exit and find an ATM. Come back, have fun.

Me: Oh, just a minute, I have quarters.

Guy: You can't pay in quarters.

Me: What!? Sure I can. This is legal tender.

Guy: No. I'm not gonna take your quarters.

Me: Yes you are. I'm going to pay ten dollars in quarters, and then I'm going to go park.

Guy: Sir, there are people behind you in line. I'm not going to make them wait while you count out ten dollars in quarters. Go to an ATM, come back, have fun.

Me: You're spending more time arguing with me than it would have taken to count the quarters.

Guy: I'm not taking the quarters.

Me: Yes you are. (And I take my keys out and set them on the passenger seat.) You go ahead and contact your manager, the cops, tow company, whatever you have to do to move my car. I'll wait here. Or you can just take my fucking quarters.

Guy: ... Give me the quarters.

It took about a minute to count ten piles of four quarters each. He handed me my parking pass and said again, less cheerfully, "Have fun."

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Is your roommate gay?

The following is an actual phone conversation that took place in the early 90s:

My landlord Mike: Keith, is your roommate gay?
Me: Yeah, Mike.
Mike: Why do you wanna live with a gay guy?
Me: I like the swishy way he always pays his rent on time.
Mike: Well the guys next door (Mike rented the house next to ours to a fraternity) said that he was on your back porch looking at their dicks.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, I'll look into that.
Mike: Please do. That's not okay.
Me: Right. One quick question though; What were their dicks doing out on the back porch? Could you find that out for me?
Mike: ... Make sure to get the rent check in on time.
CLICK

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Maxine The Vampire Slayer

They were running every test known to man on my four year old daughter Max, because they do that with the wee ones, just to stay ahead of anything that might be going screwy. They needed a good amount of blood and when you're tiny you don't give too much blood at once. So, we arranged three visits in three days, with a sticker and a lollipop and the end of each.

Max did pretty well on visit one, sitting on mommy's lap. Visit two was a bit more of a fight. Visit three she was over it and resisted hard.

When the phlebotomist stuck the needle in her right arm and wasn't able to get any blood they announced they'd have to switch arms. Well Max wasn't having it. "YOU SAID THREE! YOU SAID THREE TIMES NOT FOUR!" and of course she was right. But her parents, traitors that we are, said "Come on Max, we're already here, lets get it done and you won't have to come back."

My wife had Max on her lap, was holding both of her hands, and had a leg wrapped around the front blocking Max's feet. The kid was secured like Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, she is also as crafty. One phlebotomist having already failed moved aside and another leaned in to try and draw the blood. She leaned over and my sweet daughter saw her opportunity; she headbutted the lab-coat clad lady in the face. Lab-coat had seen it coming and pulled back avoiding any real damage. I said, "Max, NO!" Ignoring me completely Max looked her enemy in the eye and said very clearly, "I will punch you in the face!" and when the vampire went back to trying to place the needle, Max said, "If you put that needle in my arm I will punch it out!"

At the time I was shocked and worried, but the more I thought about the less concerned I was. It was an extreme situation. They HAD in fact made a deal and reneged on it, and it's nice to know my kid can take care of herself. That headbutt was kind of beautiful really.

To put it more succinctly, yes, my daughter did headbutt a phlebotomist, but the fiend was trying to stab her!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

A Visit From Jehovah's Witnesses

My wife politely let the two Jehovah's Witness ladies at our door know that we're atheists and then she invited them in because it was 103 out.

When they asked whose picture was on the wall my 4 year old daughter Max very matter-of-factly told them, "That's Louis Armstrong. He's not as good as my trumpet playing hero Dizzy Gillespie." Then she taught them all about dragons and dragon related accessories.

Monday, June 30, 2014

A Note From A Mother of An Angel

Some time ago a woman wrote me to very politely and very matter of factly let me know that I was mistaken, God is real, and we'll be united with our loved ones in heaven.

I clicked on her profile and saw that she was very active in Mothers of Angels groups. These are groups for people who've lost a child.

I felt a cringe and an ache seeing that they have special decals they put on their cars so the sticker of a mom, dad, and children can also reflect children who have died represented by an angel with halo and wings.
She had poems and remembrances all over her timeline memorializing her angel.

I wrote her back and said "Thank you very much for the information and concern."

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

SESSION, A Jazz and Comedy Jam

As the audience took their seats at San Francisco's Punch Line local bass man, Woody Camaro (AKA Andy Woodhouse) was already on stage setting the mood for the evening. As the lights came down, four comedians joined the musicians on stage and for the next 90 minutes jokes, short stories, and from the hip interactions between the funny folks and the musicians flowed forth. There were magic moments where it all hit together perfectly in way that could not have been pre-planned and can not be recreated.

Magic moments are sure to happen when we bring the show to the Sacramento Punch Line (2100 Arden Way, Sacramento, CA 95825) on July 23, 2014 at 8pm. $15 cover, 18 and over. Questions, interview requests, offers to share coffee, vegan baked goods or pictures of baby goats please call (310) 692-4495.

Featured performers:

Keith Lowell Jensen will release Atheist Christmas, his 4th hour long comedy special this year on Stand Up! Records. He has developed an international following online where he shares personal stories, absurd one liners, and lefty political/topical material.
He loves jazz but has failed, despite numerous efforts to learn to play an instrument. This show is his way of filling a desperate need to do something with the feeling he gets when listening to Monk, Mingus, Ellington, Pops, Dizzy, Bird, (this list will stop here, but could go on and on)




Alfonso Portela is well known and loved in music and comedy circles. He was a drummer, performer writer with the popular cabaret show Graham-A-Rama, and he plays with gypsy band, Red Skunk. Alfonso will serve as our bandleader but that won't stop him from grabbing the mic and doing some jokes from behind his drum set like a comedic Phil Collins but with more hair.






Lance Woods is one of the hottest, most sought after young comedians working today! His high-energy style, unique storytelling ability and clever punchlines give him universal appeal. He has performed at some of the top venues across the country as well as for U.S. Marine Corp troops in Japan. Lance Woods is truly a comic to watch!


Sacramento's Johnny Taylor uses sharp wit, and off-beat sensibilities to communicate his sometimes tragic life experiences in a hilarious way.

A dynamic performer, Johnny has established a reputation for displaying a wide range of comedic styles.

He has opened for some of the biggest names in stand-up comedy, including Robin Williams, Bobcat Goldthwait, Brian Posehn, Wayne Federman, and more.

Johnny is a regular at every major comedy club in Northern California, including the San Francisco Punch Line, Sacramento Punch Line, Cobb's Comedy Club, and 142 Throckmorton Theater, and was recently featured on Comedytime.TV.

Matt Lieb is a comedian, writer, actor and street musician/Bone Thugs-N-Harmony cover band. He was named “one of my all-time favorite Bay Area performers” by the award-winning SF blog Courting Comedy and described as “extremely talented, charmingly dark and genuinely pleasant.”

He won 2nd place at the 2004 KZSC Comedy Competition, but the guy who won 1st place no longer does comedy so Matt basically won 1st place. He also won 1st place at the 2013 Rooster-T-Feathers Comedy Competition, which was very validating for him.

Matt Lieb has opened for many legendary performers including W. Kamau Bell, Ryan Papazian, Jeff Anaya, and 3rd Eye Blind. He is also Glenn Danzig’s neighbor and Emmy-winner Camryn Manheim is a family friend.

He writes for Filmdrunk. He has also performed at the Los Angeles Comedy Festival, the Santa Cruz fringe festival, and the S.H.I.T.S & Giggles Comedy Festival in Arcata, California.

He has 960 followers on twitter. If you play your cards right, you could be 961.

Alex Reiff is a beloved bass man from Davis who studied Music/Jazz Studies at Sacramento State. When he's not jamming with comedians he can found on stage with the Jason Galbraith Quartet.

Surprise comedian drop ins are a sure thing.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

I was almost REALLY creepy

Freshman year of high school. I thought I'd be hip moving to the small town of Roseville, CA from Corona, CA. I mean, Corona was closer to LA, so it was pretty much a guarantee that I'd be the coolest thing Roseville ever saw right?

Here's the thing; The kids in Roseville didn't know they weren't hip. That's the way hip works. And instead of adoration and admiration I got a lot of, "Are you wearing army boots? Are you a skinhead? I didn't even know there were gay skinheads. Ha ha, faggit." My favorite Overheard In Roseville quote from that time is "New Wave girls are girls who are already ugly so it doesn't matter if they look weird." I was in hell.

It took awhile to make friends and when I did it was with the biggest geeks in school, and this is before geek was chic. These guys were the best though and I cherish the memory of getting muddy playing really intense games of capture the flag in the creek, where my boots seemed perfectly appropriate, helping Mike with his model railroad set up, and laughing our asses off watching Late Night With David Letterman during sleep overs. I'd resisted for years, but it turned out geek suited me.

One of the members of the geek corps happened upon a porn tape. Pre-internet a porn tape was just about the greatest gift the universe could bestow upon a high school freshman. We all gathered at a latch key kid's house and gave it a screening. It was Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs. No clever name, I think they decided the original was dirty enough. We watched one scene. It involved a feather duster, no dwarfs, it was Snow's solo in the spotlight and it was glorious. We'd have given it a standing ovation but none of us felt comfortable standing.

Dave noticed that the back of the box advertised a deal to get a video a month on the cheap mailed right to us. We decided we'd pitch in and get a PO Box, open a checking account, and sign on up. This was exciting. This was some grown up shit. We started picking titles, discussing whose house was available at what time for screening parties. We could even alternate who got to have the tapes at home with 'em. Then Mike said, “Yeah! It'll be a porn club!”

That phrase sparked something in my brain. I had one of those “Moments of clarity” I've heard so much about. Looking at my lust filled friends I said, “Hey guys, I'm pretty sure that if we do this, we'll officially be really creepy.”

And the realization spread over them. We all said quick awkward goodbyes, headed our separate ways, and never mentioned the porn club again.