Monday, March 23, 2015

The Atheist Survival Guide

Hey all,
A few years back I wrote a little book, had an awesome artist, Ben Walker, design a cover and then I did nothing with it. I've decided to just give it away free here. If I were to try and actually publish it there would certainly be a rewrite and several corrections, but I think there's some pretty funny and entertaining stuff as it is. I hope you dig it.

Here's the link:
Click on that and you should have access to the book as a PDF.

If you enjoy the book and you feel like you "tipping" you can paypal me. My email address associated with my paypal acct. is

You can also show your appreciation by sharing this blog post far and wide. I like that.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Three Muslim Students Shot

Atheists are gonna be really defensive about the shooting of three Muslim students. It was apparently a fight over a parking spot and the shooter turns out to be an atheist.

While this seems to be a fight over a parking spot, not over religions, I think that those who are actually involved and active in the atheist community (or communities) should take this seriously. I think we are too tolerant of dehumanizing rhetoric about Muslims. I think racism and xenophobia IS an issue when it comes to the one major religion where many of it's followers are foreign to us in ways other than just their religion. I can't tell you how many times I've heard atheists, including the top (most well known) mouthpieces claim that Islamaphobia isn't a real thing because there are legitimate reasons to fear Islam. There are legitimate reasons to fear heights too, but we don't argue that one can't also have an irrational fear of heights, one which is hysterical.
Just as we on the left called on the right to tone down the rhetoric after Gabby Giffords was shot, I think it's time we without gods look at our rhetoric, and the rhetoric of those we champion, associate with, or even just tolerate.

I'm sometimes accused of being less hard on Muslims than on Christians. Guilty. I grew up Christian. Most of the people I know and share a culture with are, or have been Christian. So yeah, I tread a bit more carefully when dealing with people who I already have so many other cultural differences with. I will not apologize for this.

Do you know a Muslim? If you don't know at least one Muslim, actually know them as a person, try to fix that. Let's reach out to our fellow humans on things we do agree on. And yes, of course, let's continue to champion reason and to be critical of human rights abuses and bad science, but keep the dialogue intelligent and respectful. Find some empathy. Without it we're all screwed.

(I will be keeping an eye on the comments. Please refrain from insults, name calling, and other ad hominem attacks. Let's talk. But act an ass, and you will be excused. My thoughts on this particular case are still evolving and I look forward to hearing yours.)

Tuesday, December 30, 2014


I was still in high school when I met a girl from Idaho and we flirted a bit and then she went back to Idaho.
She sent me a letter. There was a lipstick kiss on the envelope.I opened it and little red paper hearts spilled out. The letter was sprayed with strong perfume which hit my nose and immediately made me vomit up my oatmeal. I had to clean up oatmeal vomit with little red hearts in it. I never read the letter, I just had to get it away from me as quickly as possible.
So, um, sorry girl from Idaho. I really did like you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Her Safeword Was Goodbye

I do this joke on my latest album, Atheist Christmas.
I told it last week at The Punch Line in Sacramento, and I tagged it with, "If any of you know a few chords on the guitar and some words that rhyme with goodbye, hit me up after the show. We could have a hit."

Well, much to my delight, an audience member, Joshua Goodman actually took me up on this and sent me this original song based on my joke:

I met Susie Mae last summer down at the rodeo.
I prayed to baby Jesus asking how far things would go.
She went to church on Sundays but she sinned the other six.
If only birth control came with that silver crucifix.
We had a laugh and we had a bite and then I walked her home.
I asked her why she had a pair of naked garden gnomes.
Don't mind that she said and then she led me to her room.
She winked and whispered in my ear we'll all be naked soon.

Susie Mae she broke my heart. Susie Mae made me cry. I wonder now how many other broken hearted guys.
Susie Mae she left me. When people ask me why, I tell them that her safeword was goodbye.

She had some toys I can't describe, I'm not sure what they did.
She tied me up in handcuffs made me act just like a kid.
The things she made me do I can't explain some memories repress.
But I won't forget how she looked in that latex dress

Susie Mae she broke my heart. Susie Mae made me cry. I wonder now how many other broken hearted guys.
Susie Mae she left me. When people ask me why, I tell them that her safeword was goodbye.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Atheist Christmas, Out Now

I kept the name! We had an offer from the largest Video On Demand and Pay Per View distributor in the country. We were excited. But then, they said they would only carry the special if we changed the name. It seems Atheist is still a bad word in many circles. So, they had to go screw.
But hey, nobody else asked us to change the name, so you can watch on Amazon, iTunes, or on DVD, and hear it too (The CD is from a different show taped two nights later.) Enjoy!

Atheist Christmas,  is for sale.

The physical product features both the DVD and CD.
Buy it here:

For the digital versions:
Audio on iTunes:
Video on Amazon:
Audio on Amazon:

Click to enlarge, and hear what people are saying
...and remember I have three other albums out on iTunes, Amazon, and at THANKS!

Friday, November 7, 2014

You Can Pre-Order Atheist Christmas Now!

UPDATE: Atheist Christmas,  is for sale.

The physical product features both the DVD AND the CD, I promise.
It got listed weird, which we're trying to fix, but if you look it says "Number of Discs: 2". That 2nd disc is the DVD.
Buy it here:

For the digital versions:
Video on Amazon:
Audio on Amazon:
Audio on iTunes:

...and remember I have three other albums out on iTunes, Amazon, and at THANKS!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Johnny Taylor "Tangled Up In Plaid"

I have a huge bias here, as Johnny Taylor is one of my best friends, but we sought each other out to work together and then became friends because we liked each other's comedy, and Johnny's first album captures what it is that I love about his stand up.

His slow, steady delivery, amazing story telling, and dark sensibilities are all present. It's confidence to the point of arrogance the way he refuses to "sell" the jokes. He puts 'em out there patiently, and lets the writing get whatever laugh it's gonna get. The laughs come through.

The one point where a particularly dark joke doesn't get a laugh from the crowd gets one from the comic as he relishes in the shocked silence. If you're not familiar with Johnny Taylor's comedy, please don't think I'm describing a "shock" comic, not at all. Johnny's shocks come from an honest and sincere place where he doesn't steer clear of them rather than mining them for cheap thrills. He is the real deal.

I'm excited that this is coming out on Sept 23rd from Stand Up! Records.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My First Viking Funeral

My daughter keeps day pets. Anything she can catch we let her keep for a day and then she lets them go again. She felt terrible when her centipede didn't make it to the release party and asked if she could give her a viking funeral. My wife helped make it so. I came home on my lunch break to attend my first viking funeral.
The Deceased

The Viking Ship (with leaves for fuel)

The Ocean

My Daughter Says a Few Words

Setting Sail

Mama Supplies The Flaming Arrows

The Boat Sinks (with a bit of help)

Monday, July 21, 2014

Fighting With The Parking Tyrant at The State Fair

Parking lot guy at Cal Expo: Sorry, cash only.

Me: Oh, um, I don't think I have cash.

Guy: You can go out the first exit and find an ATM. Come back, have fun.

Me: Oh, just a minute, I have quarters.

Guy: You can't pay in quarters.

Me: What!? Sure I can. This is legal tender.

Guy: No. I'm not gonna take your quarters.

Me: Yes you are. I'm going to pay ten dollars in quarters, and then I'm going to go park.

Guy: Sir, there are people behind you in line. I'm not going to make them wait while you count out ten dollars in quarters. Go to an ATM, come back, have fun.

Me: You're spending more time arguing with me than it would have taken to count the quarters.

Guy: I'm not taking the quarters.

Me: Yes you are. (And I take my keys out and set them on the passenger seat.) You go ahead and contact your manager, the cops, tow company, whatever you have to do to move my car. I'll wait here. Or you can just take my fucking quarters.

Guy: ... Give me the quarters.

It took about a minute to count ten piles of four quarters each. He handed me my parking pass and said again, less cheerfully, "Have fun."

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Is your roommate gay?

The following is an actual phone conversation that took place in the early 90s:

My landlord Mike: Keith, is your roommate gay?
Me: Yeah, Mike.
Mike: Why do you wanna live with a gay guy?
Me: I like the swishy way he always pays his rent on time.
Mike: Well the guys next door (Mike rented the house next to ours to a fraternity) said that he was on your back porch looking at their dicks.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, I'll look into that.
Mike: Please do. That's not okay.
Me: Right. One quick question though; What were their dicks doing out on the back porch? Could you find that out for me?
Mike: ... Make sure to get the rent check in on time.