Thursday, December 29, 2011

Don G, Douche

Looks like Don G got some press from The News and Review. Congrats Don. "Geronimo out-douched the douches" http://www.newsreview.com/sacramento/whats-up-grinches/content?oid=4715847

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Religion in School Animated Typography Video


Jack Bensinger contacted me saying that he was a fan of my comedy and wanting to use some audio of me for a school project. This is that project. I hope he got an A+, I love it!
My other fans are gonna need to step up their game.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

SF Sketchfest

I have been invited to perform at the 2012 San Francisco Sketchfest, one of the coolest comedy festivals in the country and I couldn't be more excited. I'm booked for three shows at the fest.

I'm performing on January 20th on The Stand Up Showcase at The Purple Onion.

On January 27th and 28th I'm hosting the Myq Kaplan and Sheng Wang show at The SF Punch Line!

See my calendar on the right of this site for specifics (Double click on the date you want more info. on)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Reviews for Cats Made of Rabbits

I'm very pleased, stoked even, with the reviews for Cats Made of Rabbits so far. Its nerve wracking when you finish a project and send it out and then you wait, at the mercy of the critics. One of the first responses I got was a text from Mark S. Allen of Mark at The Movies saying it was "Brilliant" and "F@(*ing Fabulous". This had me feeling confident as I waited for more feedback. Here are some highlights with links to the articles. You can buy the album or DVD here: Amazon.com or at KLJShop.com, iTunes and lots of other places.

"4 STARS!"
TimeOut New York


"Cats Made of Rabbits is every bit as deserving of your laughter as one by Jim Gaffigan or Louis C.K."

www.justpressplay.net

"The best part of Jensen’s “Cats Made of Rabbits” was his take on duck vaginas. His transition into the unusual subject was classic. And in trademark Jensen style, the crowd gets to learn from him about something they never thought they would hear at a comedy show."
AmericasComedy.com

"a fun and funny DVD that is well worth watching"

Mass Movement Magazine, UK

"covering job hunting, marijuana legalization and a wonderful atheist knock-knock joke there is some genuinely entertaining material here"
DVDTalk.com

"Jensen’s act is at its strongest when he is weaving stories down bizarre pathways"

TheCelebrityCafe.com

"Jensen is an engaging personality and, while edgy and – for the narrow-minded – offensive, he’s not abrasive. He’s genial and friendly and draws you in with his understated style. And, he’ll make you laugh. Out loud."

Corazine


"The way he describes his own homophobia is hysterical"
FFanzeen

"don't let the "atheist" tag fool you, as Lowell Jensen has much more to offer than just that"

GoatsEnd

"one might get the idea that Jensen is really weird"

Sacramento News and Review

"very funny, original, and sometimes daring"

www.theseriouscomedysite.com

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Why Lie? I Need a Drink, watch it free right here

My documentary film, Why Lie? I Need a Drink has been reissued as part of Double Plus Good, a box set along with my 2009 comedy album To The Moon. The distributor has decided to put the film on youtube in its entirety. Enjoy.


Click here to buy the box set Double Plus Good.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Four Stars from Time Out New York!

I'll put a full list of reviews soon, but today I'm all excited about this:
http://newyork.timeout.com/music-nightlife/comedy/2070785/ha-ha-at-home

"Jensen is someone who stands out in a regular-guy-in-beige-corduroy kind of way. His “dry dreams” of dendrophilia—that’s having sex with trees—might sound weird, but his language and delivery get the laughs before anyone considers the WTF factor."

They gave me the same number or stars they gave Patton Oswalt and one more than Doug Benson got! Wow!

Here's another great review from Just Press Play: http://www.justpressplay.net/articles/8608-make-em-laugh-keith-lowell-jensens-qcats-made-of-rabbitsq.html



You can buy Cats Made of Rabbits on DVD, CD or MP3 from Amazon by clicking here.


And you can get my first CD, To The Moon from Amazon also, click here.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Seasons

When I was little the four seasons were:
Fireworks season, Trick or Treat season, Presents season, and Chocolate Bunny season.

As I got older it became:
Girls riding bikes wearing tiny shorts season, girls in short skirts, leggings and tight sweaters season, girls in skin tight jeans and boots season, and girls in little dresses with bare legs season.

Now that I have a daughter its:
Relive fireworks, trick or treating, presents, and chocolate bunny happiness through my daughter's eyes.

But I dread that soon it will be:
Daughter wants to ride bike in little shorts season, daughter trying to sneak out in tiny skirt, leggings and tight sweater season, daughters jeans too tight season, and wife takes daughter's side in little dress debate season.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Photo Quote

My full length DVD on Youtube? For FREE?

The distributors of my new album and DVD Cats Made of Rabbits have the radical idea that we should give the product away for free! It's not that uncommon these days actually though it kind of freaks me out. But, I work with them because I believe that they know what they're doing. It'd be silly of me to stand in their way as they do what they came on board to do. So, here you go dear comedy fans... Cats Made of Rabbits, all 75 minutes of it. Enjoy:

Monday, September 26, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

When I'm Rich!

I love comics. Always thought I'd grow up to be involved in comics. I created comics in Junior High. I read mostly graphic novels these days, so much so that when my wife got my daughter Art Spiegelman's kids comic "Jack and The Box" my little girl was mostly excited that she was reading a real "comic book like daddy!" and always refers to it as "The comic book for babies."

I could draw pretty well as a kid but I didn't keep my chops up and whenever I'm tempted to get back into it I think "Great, just what you need, one more thing keeping your insanely busy life insanely busy." SO.... I hit up some friends who hit up some friends and then comic book super star Jeffrey Brown introduced me to Bill Cleveland, a friend of his whose art he admired and thought would be compatible with my sense of humor and voila.... COMIC!!!!
Click to enlarge
Art by Bill Cleveland, written by Keith Lowell Jensen
Look for more in coming weeks!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

On Amazon and iTunes Now!

NOW ON TOUR. CLICK HERE FOR DATES!

My album, two years in the making, is finally and at least unleashed on the public. I don't have a big label or lots of advertising dollars behind it so I'm getting the word out by blogging, youtubing, facebooking, tweeting and bugging my friends. If you buy one comedy album by a Sacramento based atheist comedian this year, I hope it's this one.
And I hope that you will help spread the word. Please, tell a friend, tweet, share on FB and Google+ and if we make this the little indy album that could I promise to personally arrange a cocaine and Twinkies(c) party for you with the celebrity of your choice.

It is available today at iTunes:
http://itunes.apple.com/album/cats-made-of-rabbits/id462911284?l=ja&v0=9988&ign-mpt=uo%3D1

And if you like a physical copy of it, it's also up at Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/Cats-Rabbits-Keith-Lowell-Jensen/dp/B0058OKQX4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1315931453&sr=8-2

In two weeks the DVD comes out. It can be purchased now at Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/Lowell-Jensen-Keith-Cats-Rabbits/dp/B0058OR3OY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315931453&sr=8-1

Here is a video trailer:


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Cats Made of Rabbits, Comedy DVD / CD

Buy Keith Lowell Jensen's Cats Made of Rabbits at Amazon,  iTunes or at KLJShop.com.
The Perfect Christmas gift for atheists, comedy fans, or conservatives you want to piss off.


"4 STARS!"
TimeOut New York


"Cats Made of Rabbits is every bit as deserving of your laughter as one by Jim Gaffigan or Louis C.K."

www.justpressplay.net

"a fun and funny DVD that is well worth watching"

Mass Movement Magazine, UK

"covering job hunting, marijuana legalization and a wonderful atheist knock-knock joke there is some genuinely entertaining material here"
DVDTalk.com

"Jensen’s act is at its strongest when he is weaving stories down bizarre pathways"

TheCelebrityCafe.com

"Jensen is an engaging personality and, while edgy and – for the narrow-minded – offensive, he’s not abrasive. He’s genial and friendly and draws you in with his understated style. And, he’ll make you laugh. Out loud."

Corazine


"don't let the "atheist" tag fool you, as Lowell Jensen has much more to offer than just that"

GoatsEnd

"one might get the idea that Jensen is really weird"

Sacramento News and Review

"very funny, original, and sometimes daring"

www.theseriouscomedysite.com

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Max and Max email exchange

My 22 month old daughter Maxine got an email from Max, a cat that lives on my friend Brett's porch in Portland. I don't know who did the typing for cat Max, but I took dictation for my Max, and I typed her response exactly as it came from her mouth. Here is their exchange:

Hi Max

My name is Max to. I heard about you from one of your of your Dad's friend and when I found out we had the same name I wanted to write you to see if we could be friends. I live in Portland Oregon. Where do you live? I like to chase bugs, eat flowers and poop in the bushes. Do you like to chase bugs, eat flowers and poop in the bushes?

Hope to hear from you soon

Your friend
the other Max


Hi kitty cat, would I like to pet the kitty cat? Yes! Max pet the kitty cat.
I live in San Francisco in a house.
Kitty cat Max likes to poop in the bushes. Flowers, poop in the garden and poop in the bushes, poop in the bushes and I poop in the bushes, chase bugs.
Goodbye Kitty Cat!
Your friend,
Max

Riot In The Streets

There are times when I feel compelled to riot in the streets. When they just push a little too far and it seems appropriate to riot in the streets. I imagine that many others around me feel the same but none of us know how to start rioting in the streets.

I'm gripped by fear. You see, one time, my dad took me to see The Rolling Stones. Keith Richards did a pretty bad ass solo and so I jumped up to give him his standing o. I figured we'd all be jumping, you know, for Keith. Over 60,000 people stayed seated and I was standing all by myself. I was stuck standing too because now I had to play it off like I didn't care, like they were the ones, all 60,000 plus of them, who should be embarassed, not me. I was giving Keith his due. It was a pretty damn fine solo.

I don't want to get caught out rioting in a crowd full of lame assholes who just sit on their asses. I'd get arrested for throwing a can through a window like Mookie in Do The Right Thing, only I'd be all by myself and the cops would just arrest me for vandalism. They wouldn't put Rioting In The Streets on my arrest record nor on my little plastic jail bracelet. I'd have to explain to the judge, "No your honor, I was rioting. Yeah, just by myself, sort of a solo riot. No, I thought there'd be others but no, not so much. Just me. Yes, your honor, I have learned my lesson. Next time I will have a planning committee and I'll check out the permitting process. Your honor, I think I know where I really blew it. I put some Nilsson on the boom box and nobody is going to riot to Nilsson. I really should've put on The Clash or maybe some Public Enemy. Yes your honor, Rage would be a good choice. Thanks for the tip."
So, anyone feel like rioting in the street?

Friday, September 9, 2011

Bros Before Hoes? Tweekers Before Huffers?


This was taped at The Throckmorton Theatre in August. I was on the bill with Nick Aragon, Mark Pitta, Dana Carvey and Robin Williams.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Please, buy this DVD or CD now!


My CD comes out in a week! Please pre-order it and tell a friend. The more presales we have when the release hits the harder Amazon will push it. It takes a good grass roots push and momentum to get an indy release noticed. I want to make this that indy release! Click anywhere on the image above to go the page at Amazon.

And for my DVD, which comes out just two week after the CD click on this image. Thanks!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Atheist Church; Meet Mr. Lizard


While I was in Portland for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival I stayed with my friends Christy and Bret and their many scaled roommates. Being kept away by tortoise sex is one of the more unusual reasons for me showing up to a gig tired.

Friday, September 2, 2011

A really nice comment left on my Youtube Channel

Keith,
Sometime ago you asked me to compare and contrast your two albums, or at least you wanted a fans honest opinion on which is better. Honestly, I like them both, just for different reasons. TO THE MOON seems to cover more topics, while CATS MADE OUT OF RABBITS has longer stories. Both have an equal amount of favorite bits, moments of sheer comedic brilliance, and more than one bit that I can totally relate to.

Now I see you're talking about album #3, and I can't wait to hear it and compare all three.

My youtube channel is: http://www.youtube.com/user/klfly

Monday, August 29, 2011

Tour Dates

Tour Dates
Sept 18, Los Angeles, The Improv Lab 8:30pm
With Eric Cash and Andy Wood.
Sept 22, Chico, The Blue Room Theatre, 9:30pm
With John Ross
Sept 23, Sacramento - Sacramento Comedy Spot, 8pm
With Nick Aragon, Nick Pettigrew, Josh Barbee
Sept 24, San Francisco - The Dark Room Theatre, 10pm
With Trevor Hill, Joe Gorman, Johnny Taylor

October 2, Santa Cruz - The Crow's Nest, 9pm
With Trevor Hill
October 3, Berkeley -Marga's Funny Mondays The Marsh, 8pm
With Marga Gomez and friends
October 15th, Portland, Curious Comedy Theater, 10pm
With Trevor Hill
October 16th, Seattle, The Comedy Underground, 8pm
With Derek Sheen, Emmett Montgomery, Trevor Hill

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Elf Orgies and Porn Star Pals

I have shingles. That sucks. But oh well, in the last month I've received raves about my comedy from Mark S. Allen, from The Creators of ElfQuest (my favorite comic when I was kid, still one of my favorites) and a progressive, feminist, porn star. I've performed with Dana Carvey and Robin Williams, in the same night. Shingles shmingles, Life is Good!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Stand Up about Libya

I got to open for Dana Carvey AND Robin Williams on Tuesday. Stoked. Here is a clip from my set...

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Ha Ha Hurl

This old clip of mine just received this comment on Youtube:
"I laughed so hard my face hurts and I nearly vomited."
New Goal: I want to make someone vomit!!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Tour Schedule, coming to see you!

So, I'm heading out on a small West Coast Tour this September and October to support the release of Cats Made of Rabbits on CD and DVD, schedule to follow...

You can help. The easiest and best way to help is of course to come see me. Yeah! Do that. But I also would like to hear from anyone who can recommend blogs, zines, college or public radio shows that are friendly to independent type artists. I have a publicist and he knows how to go after the bigger fish, but it's the small, local folks that I tend to vibe the best with.

And, I'm very eager to work with any local Humanist, atheist, Free Thinker groups.

Tour Dates
Sept 18, Los Angeles, The Improv Lab 8:30pm
With Eric Cash and Andy Wood.
Sept 22, Chico, The Blue Room Theatre, 9:30pm
With John Ross
Sept 23, Sacramento - Sacramento Comedy Spot, 8pm
With Nick Aragon, Nick Pettigrew, Josh Barbee
Sept 24, San Francisco - The Dark Room Theatre, 10pm
With Trevor Hill
Sept 25, Santa Cruz - The Crow's Nest, 9pm
With Trevor Hill

October 15th, Portland, Curious Comedy Theater, 10pm
With Trevor Hill
October 16th, Seattle, The Comedy Underground, 8pm
With Derek Sheen, Emmett Montgomery, Trevor Hill

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Nilsson Shmilsson indeed

In a 2010 Rolling Stone Jenny Lewis gave her ten song playlist of 70's California rock. Fantastic playlist featuring many cool acts I'd not heard before like the awesome JJ Cale. The song that most grabbed me though was Me and My Arrow by Nilsson. I'd heard this song sampled by Blackalicious on their album NIA, but I had no idea where they'd gotten the sample from. I was in love and decided that Nilsson, who I'd previously, mistakenly disregarded as a bit of a novelty act, deserved to be re-examined. That was a couple of weeks ago. I've listend to nothing but Nilsson since.

Wow. Amazing voice, wonderful lyrics, the whole package. No wonder both John Lennon and Paul McCartney referred to him as their favorite American artist. There is a documentary on him that is pretty cool called Who Is Harry Nilsson (and why is everybody talking about him.) It's currently streaming on Netflix.

My one problem with the doc and with many of the people interviewed for it is how they seems to dismiss his work after Pussy Cats, the 1974 album he made with John Lennon where he blew out his voice, altering it permanently and greatly reducing his range. This was not the end. On the records that followed he was more experimental than ever, which in his case is really saying something, and like the Rick Rubin produced Johnny Cash albums a voice with some wear and tear can be used to great dramatic effect.

here is a play list of some of my favorite Nilsson songs. It was hard to choose, and I too lean heavily toward his older stuff but it's because I'm only in the last few days cracking into the later albums. I did include the wonderful tune Tango which is from Sandman, layed down a few years after he sacrificed his vocal chords at the alter of rock and roll. Nice that the tune starts with "Deep down in my soul, I hate rock and roll."
Enjoy:

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Pinis Give Props!

A while back I posted about a certain issue of the comic Elfquest that, um, well, inspired me as a teenager. You can read that post here if I'm being too subtle for you. http://t.co/XIWxtZm

Last night I was THRILLED to get an email from the creators of Elfquest:

"ROFL doesn't begin to cover our reaction to your blog (May 25) about the infamous elf orgy in issue #17 of the original run of Elfquest."

I made my childhood heroes ROFL. That's awesome.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

AFA Action Alert Alert

After this helpful AFA Action Alert told me how cool Home Depot is I decided I'd take their advice and write Chairman Frank Blake a letter. I used their letter as a template but did not use their online form, as I don't trust them so I emailed it from my own account. I'm also calling Home Depot, again at their advice: Home Depot's corporate phone number is 770-433-8211.


Email: consumeraffairs@homedepot.com
Subject: Thank You for Supporting Equal Rights, Diversity, and Tolerance

Dear Chairman Blake:

Your company's financial support of gay pride parades is exciting and encouraging to me.

However, Home Depot's decision to also include children's activities at these events is the best.

Gay pride events are known for their frequent displays of diversity and acceptance. By offering craft workshops specifically designed for children, Home Depot is encouraging their attendance.

Thus, they will likely be exposed to healthy environments. Good job!

I'm imploring you to continue putting the safety and well-being of our country first. Please continue supporting and participating in these kinds of events.

Sincerely,
Keith Lowell Jensen
Sacramento, CA
Zipcode: 95818

Friday, July 22, 2011

Bill Maher Is Coming To Sacramento

Who can NAME his show Politically Incorrect and still manage to get cancelled for being politically incorrect? That's our Bill Maher, and I love him, even when I disagree with him which does happen. Seriously Bill, anti-vaccination?

His show being canceled only seemed to push him more to speak his mind honestly and he started carrying the atheist banner loudly,  as loudly as anyone with his level of fame, getting his feature documentary Religulous into wide release.

And of course he is back on television with Real Talk, as brazen and outspoken as ever.

I'm super excited that Maher is coming to Sacramento.
The Details:
SacramentoAugust 19th • 8:00 P.M
Sacramento Community Center Theate
http://purchase.tickets.com/buy/TicketPurchase?agency=TDC&pid=7015160

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Hittin' The Road

I'm currently booking my CD/DVD release tour in September and October. I've got dates locked in or almost locked in for Seattle, Chico, Sacramento, San Francisco.
Still working on LA area, maybe San Diego and Portland.
Open to any venues or cities you might suggest.
You can pre-order the DVD and CD here: www.KLJShop.com

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Secret To A Happy Life

Maybe its' a bit lofty for a comic, a comic with a day job even, but I am confident that I have found it, the key to a happy existence.

You must not lose touch with the ten year old you once were. People try not to grow up because they knew happiness as kids, or at least they think they were happy as kids. This is not what I'm advising at all. This is the path to being someone who is annoying to get stuck talking to at a party. Don't resist being thirty or forty or fifty but enjoy those ages the way the ten year old you would if he or she got to test drive your current life for a day.

Here is my life the way I unfortunately sometimes view it:


I am struggling to make a living as a comedian while working at a horrible day job. I love my wife and my baby but we don't get enough time together and much of the time we get together is spent dealing with the complications of modern working class life. We live in a rented apartment and a small one at that.

But put ten year old Keith behind the wheel:

DUDE, I GET TO DRIVE A CAR!!!
I'm married to a beautiful girl and SHE LETS ME TOUCH HER BOOBS! AND HAVE SEX! AND OTHER STUFF. No I'm not gonna tell you what other stuff, perv. You can buy the book.
And I do comedy and hang out with people like Robin Williams, yeah, FUCKING MORK FROM ORK. FOR REAL!
I have my own place, no parents. I eat what I want, when I want, go to bed when I'm tired. And I have a cute baby and she is super fun to play with. I don't give her spankings or yell at her. And my wife is super fun too and my baby has her own room which is good for when I want to touch my wife's boobs WHICH SHE TOTALLY LETS ME DO!!! UNDER THE SHIRT!!!
I have to go to work. That sucks. Beats the shit out of school though, that's for sure. And I get PAID!
I live in the future too which is crazy. Everybody has computers even portable ones and they are all linked together so you can just watch movies and listen to pretty much any song you can think of anytime you want and I have pen pals all over the world.
Yeah, life is rad.


You see how that works? Sorry ten year old me is such a potty mouth.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

But... it's the Violent Femmes

That thing in the picture. That's a cassette tape.

Now, in the year 2011, I have a cassette player in my car.

I have a cassette player and AM/FM, no more.

I was thinking about that and remembering a time when I was a kid and I took great delight in ridiculing this thirty-something guy with a perm and lots of tight, faded concert shirts as he rocked out to his eight track player.

"Oh No!" I wondered "Have I become that guy, that cheesy walking anachronism?"

I try to defend myself to myself by saying, "But it's the Violent Femmes. That's pretty hip." and suddenly I can hear his voice crystal clear saying, "But dude, it's Graham Parsons."

The thing that seals the deal, the thing that assure me that I have indeed become he is that now, in hindsight, I realize he was right. Graham Parsons on 8-Track is actually pretty bitchin. Stupid smart mouth kids.

A Breakfast Miracle! Eye of Sauron Appears in Strawberry

I was just making breakfast. It had been a hard week. The kind of week where one could really use a pick me up from the dark one, but I was willing to settle for sharing some strawberries with my daughter. I was slicing them up, preparing to douse them in non-dairy yogurt (us evil types hate dairy) and lo and behold, I see THE EYE staring up at me. Sauron blessed our breakfast nook with a morning miracle appearing in the strawberry slice on our cutting board!!! I immediately preserved the blessed image for future generations. I expect throngs of pilgrims to arrive shortly. Maybe GoldenPalace.com will want to buy it, but they'll need to understand I am a deeply religious man meaning I'll require top dollar to part with my miracle strawberry slice!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Steve O Shows Rescheduled for November

I just got good news, my friend DJ Mervyn and I will be performing with Steve O at Sacamento Punch Line November 17th through 20th.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Hopping Wind Up Penis

Have you been to a bachelor or bachelorette party and seen the hopping wind up penises?


They're made in China, shipped out by the crate.


China knows the trouble we're in economically. They in fact hold much of our debt. They know that we're going broke. The also know that we continue to buy wind up hopping penises.


When we fall, they will believe that it is because we could not control our insatiable appetite for wind up hopping penises.


They will, at least in part, be right.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Homosexuals and runny eggs

Funny exchange from the comments section on one of my youtube videos:

Although being an Atheist, I am homophobic. I just feel disgusted every time I see two men kissing.
L33tmoaf

@L33tmoaf There is nothing wrong with having a phobia. You are free to feel disgusted, as I am when I see runny eggs. It's when I start trying to stop others from enjoying runny eggs or telling lovers of runny eggs they can't get married that it becomes a problem.
klfly

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Working On My Racism

So I've been working on my racism.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy being anti-racist, as I've been all my life but I realize that it's easy to not be a racist in our times of relative calm and stability (calm and stable where I live at least.) When/if the shit hits the fan people will factionalize right quick and those of us who were raised without being taught proper racist etiquette are gonna be screwed. We won't know what we're doing. I don't want to be caught off guard so I'm working on my racism now.

My racist heroes are my older relatives. They're so racist, they're even racist against other white people. "Oooh I hate those Irish Mick Bastards!" "Um... what are we Uncle Eddy?" "We're Scott-Irish." "Oh, okay. Screw them non-Scott Irish Bastards!" As a kid I told Uncle Eddy that it seemed to me Scott-Irish just meant Irish who decided they didn't like Ireland so they switched sides and became Scottish to which Uncle Eddy replied "Oh, ya want ta be Irish do ya? Ya better find yourself another fookin' uncle." That's awesome. He has a green belt in racism.

I don't want to jump the gun and start being racist before it's time but how do I practice? I've started with Lord of The Rings Racism. Oooh I hate them bastard Orcs. The Elfs are okay I suppose but I don't trust 'em. Hobbits, oh I've no use for the men, but Hobbit chicks are hot. So petite, and they look twenty for like twenty years! But a lot of Hobbit chicks date Orcs. Oh that makes me sick to see a hot Hobbit chick with one of them big, sleek, sexy, dangerous looking Orc bastards!!!!" Anyone else getting uncomfortable?

I hope nobody Trolls this post. (See that? Subtle yes?)

Friday, June 24, 2011

And eat it too...

Cake, one of my favorite bands, is from Sacramento, just like me and they've come to have a special significance in my life.

I worked with front man John McCrea and original bass player Shon Meckfessel at Greta's Cafe. My girlfriend actually left me and went on a roadtrip with Shon across the states and Europe. At least I get left big. World travel with a rockstar! Shit, I'd leave me too. She left me, Shon left cake. He was replaced by Gabe Nelson, another friend of mine who worked across the street from Greta's. And everyone in Sacramento knows and loves Vince their horn player.

I'm superstitious. I know, I know, a skeptic isn't supposed to be. It's not voluntary and on an intellectual level I resist it, but I can't help it. I'm only human, not that superstition is limited to humans. I'm only pigeon would work just as well if I could manage to grow some wings.

When I was miserably working away as an assistant manager at Petco, Cake would come on the overhead speakers. That was humbling. The guy I used to talk music with while washing dishes was now being played over the speakers while I wore a nametag by day and scrambled to get a few minutes of stage time here and there by night. He'd gone up and I'd taken a step down. It made it hard for me to enjoy listening to them for awhile. I felt frustrated with where I was compared to my old friends and then I felt bad for feeling anything but happiness for their success. I saw firsthand how hard they'd worked for it.

The first time I got to play the Improv in Hollywood, guess what our walk on music was? Yep, the sound man was a huge Cake fan, and their music never sounded as sweet as it did on that sound system in that packed room for a show that I produced and performed in. Ever since then, they've followed me. I'll be walking to a gig and a parked car will be blaring Cake with the windows rolled down. It seems every time I make a forward stride Cake is there to say "Good going Keith." Wow, Thanks Cake. You too. Hope to see you around. Oh, and hey, if you ever want to take a comic on the road... I know one. Um... I should probably add, I'm better at telling jokes than I was at doing dishes.

My Bucket List

Does it make me more of a pervert or just more honest that most of the items on my bucket list involve my penis?

MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER FOLKS! I meant like
  1. Make sure not to hurt penis while sky diving.
  2. Make sure not to hurt penis while racing motorcycles. 
  3. Make sure not to hurt penis while doing lots of weird kinky stuff with penis, some of which may hurt penis.
  4. Have sex with bucket, using my penis.
  5. Visit the Louvre. (I said most.)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

How the pee couch got it's name

ME: Dude, your girlfriend just pissed herself.
Other Comic: What?! No she didn't. She just spilled her beer.
ME: Through her urethra.

Tired of Telling Doctors What I Do For a Living

Dr: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a nightclub performer.
Dr: Oh yeah. You sing?
Me: No.
Dr: You're a comedian?
Me: No. I go to leather bars and nail my dick to a table for tips.
Dr: ... Your penis doesn't have any scars.
Me: You know magic isn't real right?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Steve O shows postponed

I was saddened to hear of Ryan Dunn's death this morning.
Not at all surprised to hear that the shows with Steve O at Sacramento Punch Line will be rescheduled. I was pretty sure it would be too much for him to go onstage and clown around this week. It sucks to lose a friend. I'll look forward to working with Steve O down the road.
I'll post the new dates as soon as they are locked down.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I REALLY like Louis CK

Me: NO, you didn't catch me masturbating to Maxim Mag's 100 Hottest Women. I was reading the Louis CK interview.

Wife: Then why is there lotion?

Me: ... I was masturbating to the Louis CK interview!

(For the record, this conversation never actually happened, but it could've.)
(Also for the record Nikki Minaj and Christina Hendricks were both WAY too low on Maxim's list.)
(Oh, and I honestly don't know why Maxim comes to my house. I didn't subscribe and I find it insulting to the intelligence but I can't resist glossy pictures of pretty ladies or interviews with awesome comedians.)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Management at last?

Her: So, you live in LA?
Me: No, I just say that on facebook while I shop for managers so they think I live in LA.... oh wait... you're a manager aren't you?
Her: Yes
Me: Yeah. I live in LA.

The above is a real conversation I had with a talent manager who saw me perform in Portland at The Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Yeah, I'm a moron, but apparently a funny one, in the opinion of this manager at any rate. We have a handshake deal but I'll avoid sharing any specifics until we've put a deal on paper. She's smart and friendly and is co-owner of a very cool small management company that has quite an impressive client list, one I will be very flattered to be included on. More news soon. YAY!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Kirk Cameron, Super Genius

Studies have shown that the higher your IQ the better you're likely to be at estimating your own IQ. So, if you have say, an IQ of 115, you might say "Well, I'm fairly smart but I'm no Stephen Hawking" whereas, if you're a former Growing Pains actor you're more likely to say "Hawking ain't so bright."

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Francois Fly

It's funny to me to see the comedian I've become and how different it is from the kind of comedian I thought I'd be. My heroes were Andy Kaufman, The Unknown Comic, Steve Martin and Emo Philips. I'm now a semi-political, story telling comic. What was I back in the early days? A human fly comic...

Believe it or not it was this very tape that got me my first professional booking, a week at Laughs Unlimited. The headliner, who I'm very sorry to say I've forgotten the name of, was a black guy and when he walked into the green room and saw me with my old grey tux jacket and black make up on my face he said "OH HELL NO!" and turned and walked out of the room, pissed. I guess he was on his way to have me fired. I
The first Darin Wood Logo which 
went on some t-shirts
caught up with him, threw the strainers on my head and said, "Francois Fly at your service!"
He paused. Took a breath, realized they hadn't hired someone in black face as his opener and said "Alright. Whatever." He still wasn't happy about having a costume act opening for him. At one point he said "How about that opener eh? Be cool, The Kings used to suck too." Ouch!

I struggled through most every night of my first week as a paid comic. Mainstream crowds just weren't into this kind of silliness. I always had at least two or three people at each show who would just go ape shit for Francois though. They'd seek me out and pump my hand and tell me how funny it was and how stupid the rest of the audience was.

I rolled with it. I remember at one show this woman was giving me a vicious stink eye through my whole set. I dropped to my knees in front of her, apologized, handed her a rolled up newspaper and offered to let her swat me. Not even a hint of a smile but the rest of the crowd loved it.


The enthusiasm of folks who got it was very encouraging. I remember my friend Patrick advising me not to over-do it as he was sure this was my ticket in. This character got me an audition and then acceptance to The Velvet Hammer burlesque show, unfortunately it was right as the show was imploding. I got to do a taping with one of my childhood heroes, Dr. Demento for an experiment in on-line "television" called UHF after the Weird Al cult classic. And I got to be on national TV as part of Last Comic Standing.

"Puke Splatter" at Trash Film Orgy.
Photo by Bob Herron
I got a call from an agent who said he needed "unique acts" for the show. Yeah, all the freaks that turn out for those auditions on "reality" based shows like Last Comic Standing or American Idol, that doesn't just happen on accident. I got to skip the long line on the sidewalk, I got to skip the pre-audition, though I did get to witness some of these table auditions and it was amazing. Six hopefuls crowded around a table each with one minute to make an impression. I saw some gawd-awful comedy. "Shit, I aint afraid to admit. I fuckin' love fried chicken. Fuck you if you don't. That shits good. I don't give a fuck." I kept waiting for the punch line but nope, that was it. That was the act. The next guy loved pussy as much as the first lady loved fried chicken. "All kinds a pussy too, it don't matter, if it's pussy, I love it."

Logo by Darin Wood
I ran into some friends backstage, professional comics who also got the invite to skip the tables. I had my audition. French Stewart said he really wanted to advance me. I said "Then Do It!" but he didn't. It was great fun. I was happy to fill my role. On the way out I ran into the agent and he was really happy with me. I told him I would happily go back in and audition as just me. I thought that would be a blast to have the same person auditioning as two different people. He agreed and started trying to make it happen. Three people told him there wasn't time before he finally gave in and said "Sorry, there isn't time." I told him that was fine and I drove back from San Francisco laughing to myself about my crazy life as a human fly. Sure enough a clip of Francois did indeed make it onto the air. That crazy fly got a TV credit before I did.

David Zed
As Francois, I got to be friends with some other costumed comedians via the internet including Zed The Robot Comedian From The Future, a very funny comic based in Rome. Well, my wife and I went to Rome for our honeymoon. I called Zed up and he and his wife and their two charming daughters had us over for dinner. Zed was on his way to pick us up from the train station when it dawned on me. I wasn't dressed like a fly and he wasn't likely to be dressed as a robot. I had to call him and tell him what I was wearing so we could find each other. Luckily I was the only man in Italy in red pants with green and yellow shoes.

Shmoozin' and boozin' with Dino and Frank.
Photoshop by Nick Roberts.
Francois continued to evade many. A very rude comic "headlining" a crappy open mic, talked a bunch of shit on me onstage in the middle of a set where he himself was clearly bombing. He then took a phone call during his set, not as a joke but for real. He told the audience "It's my agent. I gotta take this." The woman who ran the open mic then told me that what I did didn't count as stand up. "It's sketch" she said "and you shouldn't do it at stand up venues." She was fine with the dude answering his phone and not actually having any jokes but what I did wasn't stand up. Rad.

My favorite Francois Fly story was when I was invited
I gave this doll to the Velvet Hammer instead of a
head shot. Damn, I wish I still had it.
 to perform in a dumpster in San Francisco as part of Popcorn Anti-Theatre, a show that involved a bus full of audience members going site to site. They stopped under the Golden Gate Bridge and were surprised to be gathered around a dumpster. I popped up out of the dumpster. I had a nice spot light on me, a microphone and a PA, it was a very professional set up for being in a dumpster. It wasn't a prop dumpster either. It was a dumpster with real garbage in it, I mean aside from me. The crowd had a blast and then I hopped out and joined them. A very attractive girl named Lu-Lu took my arm and she was quite flirty and quite drunk. When we got back on the bus I slipped to the back, squeezed into the tiny bathroom and turned back into Keith Lowell Jensen, human being. I made my way back up the aisle and as I passed my inebriated and infatuated friend who was watching for Francois, I said "Hello Lu-Lu." She looked at me, sized me up as a loser who shouldn't be
Another fine logo by Darin Wood for a
Trash Film Orgy flyer
talking to her, and went back to watching for that adorable fly without even returning my hello. It was official. I was less sexy than a dumpster perusing x-maggot.

Francois was the original host of The Trash Film Orgy, a yearly midnight movie festival I started with some friends. The festival continues without me and without Francois but he turns up there every so often, usually to be killed dead by Sid, the Evil Crest Manager. I've always planned to do more with Francois and I will. He's a very fun character to play. So full of swagger and ego. I watch clips like the one above and it's actually hard to believe it's me. I don't think I could be that bold without the strainers and make up.





Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Three Little Pigs

The other two little pigs said "Bricks! You're crazy. There is no scientific consensus to support the crackpot, leftist conspiracy theory that the so called 'big bad' wolf actually eats pigs. You're being duped by the govt. and the brick industry's lobbyists while hurting the straw and stick industries."

And after their houses are blown down and they accept their brothers generous offer to house them while they rebuild, "Houses fall down naturally all the time. There's no reason to believe some 'big bad' wolf did it."

Thursday, May 26, 2011

How I lost an hour of my life

He walked into my closet of an office and had a seat. "Hey Keith, can I talk to you about something really important?"

"Um... I don't know."

"It's really important."

"Well... is it related to work?"

"Yeah."

"Um... are you sure it's related to work?"

"Yes. It's about work."

"Okay, fine..."

"It's related to everything."

"Goddammit!"

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

ElfQuest had a happy ending

Oops. Searching for pics for this article
I developed an ElfQuest CosPlay fetish
There is a particular issue of indy comic book series ElfQuest that just had to be masturbated to. It's a comic book about elves. They ride wolves. They fight with trolls. They're on a quest. Pretty innocent stuff. For the first 16 issues there was only the usual comic book sexiness, elf breasts were often stretching the limits of elven fabric, belly buttons were bared, Nightfall's little elf pants were slung delightfully low on her hips. Nothing pointed to the surprise of issue 17. Nothing prepared me for the full on elf orgy that spanned several pages.

Click for larger version but turn up Mtv 1st
I felt that I would have been doing Wendy and Richard Pini, Elf Quest's husband and wife creators, a huge disrespect if I chose NOT to masturbate to it, not that it felt like a choice. It didn't. It felt very much like a necessity, a responsibility, a duty. So, I shut the bedroom door, turned up the Mtv to cover any noises I might make and was having my way with myself when... I heard someone turning my doorknob.

In a panic I flung the highly collectible comic on the ground and pulled a blanket up over myself just as my dad walked into my room. I could've said "Ever heard of knocking?" with a voice full of teenage angst and anger. I could've closed my eyes and pretended to be sleeping. Instead, I just grinned and tried to look natural because sitting in bed in the middle of the day clutching a blanket to your chest with a shit eating grin on your face is so very natural.

My dad looked at me, looked at the TV which was playing the Tina Turner video "Whats Love Got To Do With It" and he walked back out of my room mumbling something under his breath.

I was mortified, of course but I'm not sure what the actual source of the embarrassment was. For twenty five years now, I've felt the need to tell my dad that I was NOT masturbating to Tina Turner, a woman with great legs no doubt, but a woman entirely too old and corny at that point for a 14 year old boy to be rubbing one off to. Dad, I was masturbating to comic book Elf orgy goodness, like a normal healthy 14 year old! If I was going to spank it to Mtv I would have waited for a Jody Watley or a Bananarama video. Whew. Feels so good to get that off my chest.

Now, here are a couple of videos to enjoy, but take my advice, put a shoe in front of the door first.



Sunday, May 22, 2011

Atheist Rapture Week Follies

Upskirt fans will dig the ascension the most.
What a great Rapture week. Our Ha Ha Heathens shows were packed in San Francisco and in Sacramento.
Before the Sacramento shows a reporter from News10 came to interview me. You can see that clip here: http://www.news10.net/news/article/138694/2/May21-Judgment-Day-prophecy-inspires-drinks-and-comedy

The SF Chronicle's website, SFGate.com has some pictures of me doing a set at The American Atheists regional meeting on Saturday which was largely rapture themed. Click here to see those.  I don't know if these pics  ran in the paper or not but I do know that on Tuesday the SF Examiner refered to me as "Youtube star and head atheist Keith Lowell Jensen." You hear that atheists? I'm in charge of this ship.

Troy Conrad "Comedy Jesus" got me the American Atheists gig and when I arrived my name was on the list as "Keith Lowell Jensen 'Comedy Moses'". They asked me if I needed somewhere to change into my costume. Ha! I assumed Troy had pulled a prank on me but he swears it wasn't him. Pretty funny.

I was nervous performing before the atheists crowds as so many of the people who'd be attending would already be famillar with my material. This is a dumb worry as I'm frequently telling younger comics, but I let it get to me and ended up going with mostly new material. Luckily it worked out great and I got a lot of new bits out of these shows. All in all, six shows this week. That's a good week.
"I hate to break it to you folks, but I don't think the rapture is happening The bible says when it happens it'll be secret, nobody will know. So God probably did plan to do it today, then he saw all those billboards and said "WTF? Damn it, Camping you ruined the surprise. Now I'm not gonna do it until next year. Looks like the Mayans are getting the collar on this one."

Rapture Week Atheist Celebrity Sightings: "Healthy Addict" Ashley Paramore, atheist writer and  blogger extraordinaire -Greta Christina, The Atheist Experience's Matt Dillahunty (don't take offense to my Texas bashing, Austin doesn't count), comic and filmmaker Troy Conrad, science comedian Bryan Malow and the other fine comics who did Ha Ha Heathens this time around, Caitlin Gill, Trevor Hill, Bryce Druzin and Bryce Jones.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Brain Tumor

I have a terrible memory. I meet a lot of people and I am really bad about remembering faces. I once introduced myself to the Sacramento Bee reporter who had a month earlier put me on the cover of Ticket, the Bee's entertainment magazine. I said, "Oh, you're into comedy. I have a sketch comedy troupe." He said, "Yeah Keith, I know. I wrote about them."

Unfortunately some people take this bad memory personally. They're insulted that they remember me but I don't remember them. This isn't fair. There's just one of me and there is almost 7 billion of them.

So, I started telling people I had a small brain tumor. People get mad at you for having a bad memory but nobody gets mad at you for having a brain tumor which I find interesting. I guess because a bad memory doesn't kill you? It's not like I had any more choice in having a bad memory than the average brain tumor patient has in having a brain tumor.

I describe it as tiny, like a candy sprinkle. Everybody loves candy sprinkles. Nothing scary about a candy sprinkle.

Some people think this is horribly insensitive to people with brain tumors. I don't think people with brain tumors are that possessive over their "Get out of jail free" for having a bad memory card. It's not like there is a finite supply.

If I told you I have a brain tumor and you've been feeling bad for me, I'm sorry. I don't have a brain tumor. What's your name again?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Jacquelyn Bond

Jacquelyn Bond, the artist who did the Bunnies painting that we're using for the cover of my new CD has her paintings up at Sub Q this month (I st. between 17th and 18th, Sacramento.)

Surprisingly this is the first time we've met in person and it was hilarious to discover how many friends we have in common. Amazing we've never met before. She's really cool and I love her artwork.

You can check out more of her work at www.JacquelynBond.com. NSFW, depending on where you W.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Don G's Latest Feud

 I would like to be done with Don G for good, but I really appreciated the people who spoke up when he and his fans were harassing me. So, now that he has chosen to target Tesla for abuse, and Brian Wheat of Tesla has chosen to stand up to him I want to say, Way to go Brian! Good for you. Here's Brian's letter as posted on his Facebook page:

"To the people of Sacramento, kings fans and tesla fans
Here’s what happened straight from my mouth unedited
When the kings played their last game in Sacramento
The band was approached by the kings if they could use our song” love song”
To end what could possibly be their last game as the Sacramento kings
We were honored and said yes and went to the game to cheer the kings on

Fast forward a couple weeks later I get a call from a guy called Carmichael Dave asking if the kings stay could I get the band to play love song at their rally
Again I said yes I would do everything possible to make this happen
And then we started talking with the kings themselves and their representative Craig

With only 3 guys in the band still in the Sacramento area a lot of things had to be coordinated people flown in to Sacramento with us leaving the next day to go play shows
On the east coast

Everything was beautiful kings are happy …Carmichael Dave is happy
And tesla is happy to be invited to take part in this great event

Now the truth of what happened not some edited version to make some certain person
Feel justified

Tesla is doing a sound check
And yes I was wearing a Blackhawk’s jersey because I love hockey jerseys and live 16 blocks from the park
And was going home after the sound check to shower and get ready to play the 2 songs
That evening

All of sudden I start getting text messages from several people saying that this guy Don Geronimo and his crew are pissing all over tesla on the radio

Saying I was fat, frank looked like Garth from Wayne’s world and Jeff Keith looked like a 50 year old woman…and hey all this may be true! BUT I think it’s very inappropriate
To insult a band from Sacramento who are trying to do something nice for the fans of Sacramento Kings and Tesla , lots of fans of both in Sacramento

And then he started calling us telsa not tesla being even more of a smart ass
So me growing up in South Sacramento and being passionate about my family called Tesla . I went over to see this Don Geronimo

He sticks a microphone in my face like he’s my best friend ….so I slapped the mic out his hands and preceded to tell him what an asshole he is being
He told me I had no sense of humor ….as hard as I tried I couldn’t find the humor in what he was saying about tesla

Was he making fun of the maloof brothers NO! The kings players NO!
But why tesla?????

Tesla or I never said we wouldn’t play the event at any point
This is something he is saying
To make himself seem like the victim
Tesla is not that petty!

Bottom line is this…
Tesla is family to me and I don’t take kindly to some dumb ass shock jock
Meathead trying to discredit a band that comes from Sacramento and has made Sacramento very proud at times

Some people may think I was wrong to react the way i did and some have applauded me for it
Regardless if it happened tomorrow I would do the same thing again
To protect the honor of Tesla

Regards
Brian Wheat the fat bass player of tesla :)"

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Robot!

Holy Crap! This is the most fantastic, ridiculous, hilarious, imaginative, wonderful, over the top thing I have ever seen!


Friday, May 6, 2011

The Free Clinic

“Dude, do you know the truth?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I was sure I didn’t, but I was pretty convinced he didn’t either. This question was his opening, so he could have been talking politics, conspiracy theory or life insurance, but I was pretty sure he was talking religion and I wasn’t interested.

“So you already know about Jesus’ awesome love.”

“Yep. Thanks.” I knew the odds of him saying “Oh, okay then, see ya.” were slim but I had to give it a try.

“Awesome. Can I pray with you?”

“No. Look you seem like a nice guy but I’m here because I don’t feel well, I’ve been here too long already and I really want to just sit and read okay?” He was a blonde surfer looking guy in his late twenties or early thirties. He’d probably quit partying like an idiot when he found Jesus and now he wanted to help the rest of us quit partying like idiots too.

“I’m not trying to pushy bro, but if you knew the truth in a world full of lies, wouldn’t you be pushy?”

“No. I’d take out an ad or something and talk to the folks who were interested.”

Ah, crap, now I’d done it. I’d engaged him.

He prattled on and on by “Totally awesome grace” and “the coolest dude ever” I tried really hard to just read my book. Finally someone on the other side of the room gave an amen and he went to preach to the choir. A bit of peace at last. As close to peace as I’d get anyway sitting in the free clinic with a sinus infection, soap operas blaring on the TV, people arguing with the staff about the insane wait. I’d only been there for a little over an hour. I had a feeling there was more waiting ahead of me.

My name was called and I followed the guy with the clipboard into a small room where he took a seat behind a large desk inviting me to sit on the other side of the desk in a folding chair. This did not look like a examination room. He was there to examine my finances. I filled out a stack of forms and promised that I really was poor. Like rich people are clamoring to take advantage of the amazing free health care the city offers. I was then sent back into the waiting room to sit and try not to watch soap operas while they made sure I wasn’t lying about not being poor. How did they verify this? They had my social security number, maybe they just ran it, but my guess is they just made me wait all day figuring if I didn’t really, really need their help I’d give up sooner.

And wait all day I did. The surfin’ Jesus freak did too, but he didn't seem interested in talking to me again. During my eight hours in the dingy little room with the folding chairs, cracked linoleum, beige paint and stained foam ceiling panels I became the person who argues with the staff about how long it’s taking. I’d have been more patient if I was waiting to see the doctor, but I was waiting to be proven poor. This infuriated me. I was too poor to spend eight hours sitting in this little room not earning any rent money. I asked if I could leave and come back the next day when they knew that I was poor but they kept convincing me that it would be just another fifteen minutes.

At long last I was brought back to the rear half of the building where I was weighed, and poked and prodded with thermometers and little squeezie bulb things that check my blood pressure. I sat in an examination room and waited for another twenty minutes before meeting the doctor. Dr. Nguyen seemed like a nice fellow. He spoke with a heavy Vietnamese accent.

“How do you feel?”

I told him that I had a sinus infection and explained my symptoms. I told him that this was a recurring problem and that I hoped to do more than just take penicillin again. Was there anything he could recommend to help stop the infection from returning?

He nodded in agreement and handed me a prescription. “Yes. Penicillin.”

“Wait. That’s what I’m asking. Can I do something more than just popping more penicillin? Something to help me avoid this in the future?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment and then “Oh yes. Penicillin.”

“Do you understand a word I’m saying?” I asked.

“Yes” he answered, uncomprehending.

I took my prescription and left, Jesus guy following me for about to blocks before I turned and asked him if he’d like to martyred.

The infection cleared up eventually without the penicillin. When a spot on my eye mysteriously became swollen I put off going to the clinic. It got worse. I planned to go in the next Monday, hoping they’d still have it on record that I was poor.

On Saturday I went to the little bagel shop by my girlfriend’s work and the sweet Mexican girl who worked the counter noticed my eye.

“I think it’s a clogged tear duct or something.” I explained.

“No, I don’t think so.” She leaned forward and took a better looking, squinting with her whole face. “That’s a spider bite. Put some olive oil on it.”
“Olive oil? Really?” I went home and put some olive oil on my face and then I bought bagels for all my friends when the swelling disappeared rapidly. Over time I noticed other folks getting good sound advice from the bagel lady. And she didn’t care if they were poor, or rich, just so long as they bought a bagel or a cup of coffee. I went to her with a sore throat (lavender essential oil), a bad back (treat with heat, cold, heat, cold and sleep on the floor.) and of course a hunger for bagels. Free clinic be damned.

Her grandmother, before coming to America had kept an herb garden in a small town in Mexico where she was sort of an unofficial medicine woman. The Bagel Lady had been a loyal student of her grandmother’s and was now becoming our much bigger small town’s unofficial medicine woman.

Noah’s bagel’s moved in a few streets over and the owners of the bagel shop didn’t like the resultant drop in business. The shop is now a cafĂ© with overpriced coffee drinks and no free advice except for the occasional suggestion that you have a chocolate chip muffin with you’re half-caf latte. I don’t know where The Bagel Lady ended up, but I have no doubt she’s carrying on her family's wonderful tradition.

Dogma Free Raw?

I am a rare breed in that I'm a skeptic who is stoked on raw food. Why should this be rare? Because the raw food movement is so chock full of dogma about it's miraculous powers. Fug all that. Listen, eating more food that grows out of the ground is good. Eating less manufactured food full of ingredients you can't pronounce is good. Eating raw food is good and besides its tasty and adventurous and fun cuisine. So, I was stoked to see Joshua Ploeg's newest zine is a raw food recipe book with a photo of a toilet seat written on in lipstick for it's cover. That ought to be a dogma free approach eh?

Ploeg is one talented guy. He catered my wedding, all vegan and it was yummy. The many non-vegans in attendance had no complaints. Check out his new zine here:
http://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/zines/3362/

Thursday, May 5, 2011

YELLLING! (Zen Story #3)

So last night this dude was yelling at his dog. The dog looked about 90, not in dog years but in real actual years. The mummy of a dog was not moving fast. It was just limping, slowly, toward the street. The man following it yelled "No! I said NO! Stop damn it. I said stop. Don't go in the street. Oh... Oh.... okay, fine. Go in the street. You'll just get killed. See if I care. You want to get killed? Go ahead and go in the street and get killed then. I'm just trying to save your life." The dog was meanwhile looking tired and wandering into the street.


I was close to walking over to the man and yelling at him, "HEY! The dog doesn't understand all those words. He doesn't have that kind of vocabulary or ability to reason!" But I realized that if I did that anyone passing would be totally justified in yelling at me "Hey! That dumb guy doesn't understand all those words. He doesn't have that kind of vocabulary or ability to reason!"
I guess by the stick and carrot approach I should have just told him to put his dog on a leash and then handed him a donut.