How the pee couch got it's name

ME: Dude, your girlfriend just pissed herself.
Other Comic: What?! No she didn't. She just spilled her beer.
ME: Through her urethra.

Tired of Telling Doctors What I Do For a Living

Dr: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a nightclub performer.
Dr: Oh yeah. You sing?
Me: No.
Dr: You're a comedian?
Me: No. I go to leather bars and nail my dick to a table for tips.
Dr: ... Your penis doesn't have any scars.
Me: You know magic isn't real right?

Management at last?

Her: So, you live in LA?
Me: No, I just say that on facebook while I shop for managers so they think I live in LA.... oh wait... you're a manager aren't you?
Her: Yes
Me: Yeah. I live in LA.

The above is a real conversation I had with a talent manager who saw me perform in Portland at The Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Yeah, I'm a moron, but apparently a funny one, in the opinion of this manager at any rate. We have a handshake deal but I'll avoid sharing any specifics until we've put a deal on paper. She's smart and friendly and is co-owner of a very cool small management company that has quite an impressive client list, one I will be very flattered to be included on. More news soon. YAY!

How I lost an hour of my life

He walked into my closet of an office and had a seat. "Hey Keith, can I talk to you about something really important?"

"Um... I don't know."

"It's really important."

"Well... is it related to work?"

"Yeah."

"Um... are you sure it's related to work?"

"Yes. It's about work."

"Okay, fine..."

"It's related to everything."

"Goddammit!"