Wednesday, May 25, 2011

ElfQuest had a happy ending

Oops. Searching for pics for this article
I developed an ElfQuest CosPlay fetish
There is a particular issue of indy comic book series ElfQuest that just had to be masturbated to. It's a comic book about elves. They ride wolves. They fight with trolls. They're on a quest. Pretty innocent stuff. For the first 16 issues there was only the usual comic book sexiness, elf breasts were often stretching the limits of elven fabric, belly buttons were bared, Nightfall's little elf pants were slung delightfully low on her hips. Nothing pointed to the surprise of issue 17. Nothing prepared me for the full on elf orgy that spanned several pages.

Click for larger version but turn up Mtv 1st
I felt that I would have been doing Wendy and Richard Pini, Elf Quest's husband and wife creators, a huge disrespect if I chose NOT to masturbate to it, not that it felt like a choice. It didn't. It felt very much like a necessity, a responsibility, a duty. So, I shut the bedroom door, turned up the Mtv to cover any noises I might make and was having my way with myself when... I heard someone turning my doorknob.

In a panic I flung the highly collectible comic on the ground and pulled a blanket up over myself just as my dad walked into my room. I could've said "Ever heard of knocking?" with a voice full of teenage angst and anger. I could've closed my eyes and pretended to be sleeping. Instead, I just grinned and tried to look natural because sitting in bed in the middle of the day clutching a blanket to your chest with a shit eating grin on your face is so very natural.

My dad looked at me, looked at the TV which was playing the Tina Turner video "Whats Love Got To Do With It" and he walked back out of my room mumbling something under his breath.

I was mortified, of course but I'm not sure what the actual source of the embarrassment was. For twenty five years now, I've felt the need to tell my dad that I was NOT masturbating to Tina Turner, a woman with great legs no doubt, but a woman entirely too old and corny at that point for a 14 year old boy to be rubbing one off to. Dad, I was masturbating to comic book Elf orgy goodness, like a normal healthy 14 year old! If I was going to spank it to Mtv I would have waited for a Jody Watley or a Bananarama video. Whew. Feels so good to get that off my chest.

Now, here are a couple of videos to enjoy, but take my advice, put a shoe in front of the door first.


R. said...

You really made me laugh there:D I used to own all the Norwegian EQ comic books and read them religiously for years. When I was 8, my friends and I started The Elf Club. We ran around in the forest nearby my house and scared our parents shitless by howling like wolves into the phone in secret codes. I even ate raw bacon at one point.

Richard Pini said...

KLJ already knows how WE feel about this, right? ;) Rock on! (Or is that "rocks off"?)