Git 'er done indeed

Larry The Cable guy says "Git 'er Done" and it lets you know that he said a funny thing and it's time to laugh. I am working on coming up with my own line to make it easier on my audience to know when they should laugh. I'm thinking of using, "That's it. That's the joke."



That's it. That's the joke.

I am homophobic!

I don't like violent psychopaths being described as "homophobic."
Mostly I resent the association, for you see I am homophobic.

I have lots of gay friends, and sometime I get a little freaked out around them. I'm a guy and as a guy it's my experience that people who might like to have sex with me are usually smaller than me...
and not looking to put anything inside of me...
well, maybe a finger but a 7 foot tall bear wanting to fuck me is foreign to me and so, likely to scare me a bit, even if he is a sweetheart.

There is no shame in having a phobia. Nobody gets mad that I'm afraid of heights and likewise you'll never see me get a bunch of my friends together who are also afraid of heights so that we can pile into a pick-up truck and cruise the town looking for tight rope walkers to beat up.

"Hey walky, what you doin' up so high? That aint natural."

"God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Eagle!"

"You can't adopt kids! You'll just teach them to tight rope walk."

Calling violent bigots homophobic is letting them off the hook. Sure, they probably are afraid of gays, but the problem isn't that they're afraid of them, IT'S THAT THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL THEM!

And they know this in the homo-hating camp. I've actually heard the remark, "Aint afraid of 'em. Just don't like 'em."

Now I must admit the real reason for this rant was so I could use the phrase "Homo-hating Camp." I really love the thought of a Homo-hating themed summer camp. Can you imagine that camps arts and crafts time?!

(Thanks to Kel Munger for helping me think this out.)

KLJ is not Hella Gay, I swear!!!

People still think I'm gay.
I told them I'm not!
If people thing you're gay, you're screwed. Because you can't tell them you're not. Nothing sounds as gay as saying, "I'm not gay."
It's like people always expect that to be followed by "...but..."
"I'm not gay but... boy do I love to have sex with fellas!"

Atheist Church - Cop Out

My first less than glowing review

Click to read About.com's review of my CD.

I've had an easy time with the critics, getting great reviews so far, so it wasn't too hard on me when I finally got one that didn't say I was God's gift to comedy. And the review really isn't bad at all. He had some constructive criticism that I actually agree with and I'm going to re-read this review before I record my next album in Spring 2010.

My favorite line of the review:
"Jensen has a hard time focusing on any one thing for too long."
Ha ha, sounds like it came straight from one of my school teachers. I also really enjoyed reading "He's got a dark sensibility and a propensity for logic over blind acceptance."

I also like that he is one of the few reviewers NOT to focus on my "Muppet like" "Gay Will Ferrel" voice.

More faithful than I want to be

I am a faithful husband.

I am more faithful to my wife than I want to be.

I have dreams where a hot woman is picking up on me, and I'm putting them on hold to call my wife and get permission. In a DREAM! And my wife doesn't answer.
I wake up mad at her and she doesn't know why.

Just to be clear, I don't call my wife in real life to ask if I can have sex with other women. I mean, there are situations where I would. If Marilyn Monroe's identical twin granddaughter found me, my wife would hear my special ring tone going off in her purse. But that doesn't happen in real life, it happens in dreams and in dreams I shouldn't need permission and if I'm considerate enough to ask permission I think the least she could do is answer the goddamn phone.

But she didn't and that is why, I don't think asking her to put on the Marilyn costume is unreasonable on my part at all!

Case made!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh show done.
Shit.
Tonight could end up being a very significant night. We shot the Coexist? Tour. We had a great four camera crew. We had a sound man. We had a director who is experienced and well connected. Unfortunately, I did not have my best set. I had some killer jokes and I did not have a bad set, but I've had some really great sets with the Coexist? tour and this wasn't one of 'em.
It still might come out great. I know I'm my own harshest critic and I know we do have a good director who wants to make me look my best so we'll see what happens.
I'm exhausted with producing and performing. I give all my energy to production and then I go onstage and recite instead of perform.
I also feel like this material might be over-rehearsed which leads to reciting. I've only dealt with under-rehearsed before so this is new to me.
Well, we wait. We wait and we see what comes of it.

Atheist Church Nov 15, 2009 Pornography

American Atheist Magazine

Visit www.atheists.org/ and sign up to receive their fabulous magazine. It must be fabulous to feature ME on the cover, yes?

Atheist Church November 8, My Baby Is An Atheist

I'm what you'd call arrestable

"It's been a long time since 9-11 and I'm wondering, has it been long enough? Is it still too soon, or... can we... go back to hating cops? Because after 9-11 I was like "HERO!" when I'd see a cop. "Call me faggit, arrest me, whatever you like, you've earned it hero." But now I'm realizing, when planes fly into building, cops are awesome, the rest of the time, I don't care for 'em too much."

My darling sister Emily managed to get my mugshots from the last time I was arrested.
Thanks Em! I've had a few more sessions with the city's finest photographers and I'm hoping she can find me those too. In one set my face is covered in blood. Those are the ones I want the most. If I get 'em, I'll give you that story.

But here we are, at a different story.

I was at rehearsal at The Crest Theatre. The Crest sits on K St. which is a pedestrian mall, closed to cars, and bikes are to be walked. Well, I rode mine across the mall, diagonally. It's only a yard or two to 11th St. which is open to bikes. Rehearsal had gone well and it was a beautiful night so I was swerving left and right down 11th singing to myself.

I was surprised to hear a gruff voice say "Pull Over!" I was amazed to find myself being pulled over by a bike cop. I laughed and pulled to the curb. Two cops "parked" their bikes behind mine. The one with the gruff voice approached.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I imagine it's because I rode on the mall, but I was just crossing..."

"YOU WERE NOT JUST CROSSING!" he yelled, spittle bouncing from his lip.

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING?" I yelled. "If you're gonna give me the ticket give me the ticket. It ain't personal."

"I know it isn't personal!"

"Well why are you getting upset?"

"I need to see your driver's license."

"I'm on a bike."

"Do you have a California ID?"

I handed over my license. "Mr. Jensen have you been arrested before?"

"Do I have to answer that, for a bike riding infraction? Can't you just check me for warrants and give me a ticket?"

"Do you have any priors!"

"Yeah. I've been arrested before."

"For what?"

"Oh c'mon, man..."

"FOR WHAT?"

"Assault on a peace officer." (Like I said, find me those mug shots, circa 1990, you'll get that story.)

"Why does that not surprise me?"

I started getting really pissed. "I don't know? It should. I'm a nice guy who just rode his bike two yards in the wrong direction and I once had my ass kicked by an asshole cop more than a decade ago."

I don't remember quite where things went from here but I started to be concerned for my safety. So, I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick picture of the little prick cop and his lovely mustache. His partner spoke up for the first time.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm taking your picture." I answered as I snapped one of him too.

I was already closing the phone when he said "You can't do that."

"Like fuck I can't!"

"Give me the phone!"

"Go fuck yourself."

Now dear reader, I am trying to portray my involvement in my arrest accurately. I'm not showing off about behaving flippantly to the pedal-pigs. I actually wish I had kept my cool. Fact is, my cool had long departed and I was being an idiot.

Cop #2 stepped up and grabbed my wrist hard. "Let go of the phone."

"FUCK YOU! This is a bike infraction. You can't take my fucking phone."

"You're now resisting arrest." and with that I was on the ground. They CHiPS wannabes had my phone and were putting the cuffs on me. That's when I really lost control of my mouth and a flood of obscenities came pouring out.

I yelled to passers by to take pictures to document this police abuse. A guy with a really nice camera did indeed take a pic and I asked the cops if they'd arrest him now as well. The guy shook his head at me in the universal gesture for "You sad loser." and he split.

Before long two cops who had passed their driving tests pulled up and loaded my bike into their trunk and me into the back of their car. I'm not that big of a guy and I wonder how the hell they fit anyone bigger than me into the back seat of those cruisers. It is a tight fit.

The cops driving me to jail were pretty cool. They advised me to keep quiet, even if I was right, to make things easier on myself in jail, and I could fight when I got out and was in a better position to do so. I agreed. I told them about my comedy troupe and invited them to come see us. Now THAT my friends is a dedicated promoter. (And by the way, I do have shows coming up. Please check the front page of www.RockAss.net).

I played nice with the two bike cops who beat us to the jail since the car had to stop and drop my bike off at bike jail. I told them I was sorry for losing my temper and I listened to their bullshit story of cell phones that fire bullets. They told me they would make sure I didn't have too bad a time in jail, which I guess meant they had the power to make sure I had a very bad time in jail also. By this time I'd achieved the cool that alluded me earlier and I was actually excited at having an experience that I would likely come out the other end of relatively unscathed and with a good story.

I had to see the jail doctor who gave me a TB test. I told her about the medicine I took for my ulcerative colitis and she said she wasn't allowed to let me take it in jail. One of the bike cops aka my new best friend took me to a room where my key chain holding my pills was sitting near a sink. He said he'd turn around for a minute. I took my pills and thought this was some serious cloak and daggers shit.

Then I got a special bracelet that designated me as having a "medical condition." The bike cop handed me over to a giant with a tree trunk for a neck. "What's he in for." the big boy asked.
The cop answered "Resisting arrest but with remorse." The giant repeated "With remorse?"

This must be their secret code for "He doesn't need to be treated extra rough." More cloak and daggers. What a bizarre world these guys inhabit.

Big boy told me I needed to walk down a hallway without stepping on the wrong side of a yellow painted line. The path led straight into a wall which I was to face. Then, while staring straight ahead I had to life one leg and remove my sock, then the other. I have poor balance and this was tough. If I started teetering I'd look away and big boy would scream "I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AWAY FROM THE GOD DAMN WALL!" I'd stare back at the wall until I didn't again. "YOU WANT ME TO TIE YOU TO A GOD DAMN CHAIR!"

"I'm trying! I have poor balance!" I said as calmly but firmly as I could. Big Boy went blank for a minute. I could actually hear the processor in his head spinning for a few seconds like a computer in desperate need of an upgrade. Luckily he a full systems crash was avoided and Big Boy walked me to my cell.

My cell was a tiny room with a raised sidewalk around the perimeter and a metal toilet in one corner with no privacy. Everyone in the room was seriously drunk if not passed out. Seeing the lack of benches I knew immediately where I was being tucked. "Um, I'm sorry but there seems to be a mistake. I'm not drunk. I was popped for riding my bike on the mall."

"Your wristband says you need medical attention. This is where you go if you need medical attention, so we can respond if you start dying."

"In the drunk tank?"

"Yep. Now sit down." and for the first and last time that night I saw Big Boy smile as he shut the door.

I had a seat and immediately the most awake of my cell mates started talking to me. "Oh shit man, I can't stay in here. That bitch is gonna sell my rims. God damn, I gotta get out. She's gonna sell my god damn rims. They cost me $2,000. Bitch!"

Not knowing much about rims accept that they're part of a car I asked my roommate what kind of car it was.

"What? I aint got no car."

"Well then what are the rims for?"

"For when I get a car!" he answered like I'd just asked the stupidest question he'd ever heard.

"Dude! You could buy a full VW Bus with a bed in it for $2,000!" I said, apparently topping myself in stupidity. He went on complaining about his rims and that damn bitch. It seems the landlord knew the stupid bitch was in the wrong and told the cop so but she had to call 'em because that's the rules when there's a disturbance.

Big Boy was back and he had the biggest, buffest man I'd ever seen with him. He stuck Gigantica in the tank, instructed him to sit down and shut the door. Gigantica didn't want to sit down. Gigantica wanted to pace. This brought Big Boy back.

"I told you to SIT DOWN!" he yelled before banging the door shut again. Gigantica still was not ready for sitting and continued pacing. Big Boy opened the cell door once more. "SIT DOWN!"

"I'M FUCKING DRUNK! I CAN'T SIT DOWN! I'LL FUCKING THROW UP!" Gigantica yelled in a voice that surely excited nearby seismologists. Big Boy froze like he had when I couldn't keep me balance. Again his outmoded brain struggled to process the situation. He looked Gigantica up and down and I wondered if any of us would survive these two getting in a brawl. Hell, I wasn't sure the building that housed the jail would survive! Then Big Boy said "Okay." and left. That's how big Gigantica was.

Rims asked Gigantica if he knew what time it was. "It's four o'clock in the god damn morning." This sent Rims into a renewed frenzy.

"Oh shit man, fuck, four o'clock, shit, you know she sold my shit by now. Goddamn, I can't believe it. Four o'clock."

I leaned over and said, softly, "Dude, it wasn't ten yet when the grabbed me. there's no way it's after midnight." Gigantica, I found out too late, possessed super human hearing to go with his super human size.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? YOU TELLING ME WHAT TIME IT IS? YOU TELLING ME WHAT MOTHER FUCKING TIME IT IS?!

I've been a nervous laugher since I was a kid. The more trouble I was in the more I'd laugh when my father confronted me about it. Luckily my old man was cool about this little tick of mine. He'd actually say, "I know that you giggle because your scared and you should be scared..." and go on with is threats, knowing that it didn't mean I wasn't taking him seriously. Teachers, school principals, bosses and cops were less understanding. I did not figure Gigantica was going to show super-human compassion and understanding as a smile kept across my face, and then a giggle, and then a laugh, a loud hearty, oh my God I'm going to die, laugh!

I hoped that Big Boy would be on time in responding if I started dying. Gigantica looked at me, confused, and then to my great relief, he smiled. "We got a god damn comedian! Mother fuckin' white boy is being funny! Ha ha! Ha ha! Funny white boy crackin' wise." and with that he had a seat next to me and put his arm around me. I'd made a friend. We laughed together and I resisted the urge to say, "You know, it really isn't four in the morning."

Eventually my BFF returned to pacing and Big Boy decided to give him his own room. From my cell I could see the TV that the guards use to monitor all the cells. I could see Gigantica get his own private cell and I watched as he did push ups, nonstop, for over an hour! Real push ups, done right. The sort that I can barely manage one of. He'd still be doing them when I got out. I was very glad that he thought I was funny.

I told Rims that it was probably just about midnight. Rims calmed down and started talking to me about God. I was wishing he'd go back to the rims and that damn bitch. Remembering that I was at this point in it for the story and forgetting that I'd already almost died once at least I asked Rims, "How do you know that there is really a God. I hear people talk about him, but they're always in the same mess I am. I've never seen God."

Rims stared at me, the only white guy in the cell, the only sober guy in the cell. I was wearing a white shirt, a nice coat, slacks, a shiny pair of shoes, I was clean shaven. I was just one pair of blue eyes away from being quite clearly the devil and I think Rims was willing to over-look this one little detail. He scooted away from me and I got to spend my last half hour in jail in relative peace and quiet.

Then I got out, got my phone back, noticed the cops had deleted the pictures I'd taken of them and I was on the street.

A few weeks later a public defender laughed her ass off reading the cops report. She used the word chicken-shit repeatedly and told me the judge would be glad to not be bothered with "this bullshit." The only crime I was being charged with was resisting arrest, which confused me. I was arrested with resisting being arrested for resisting arrest? What? I signed a form saying that I had indeed rode my bike on the mall and that I didn't have a headlight on my bike. I was not asked to confess on the resisting charge and the public defender told me I was still free to file a complaint. The charge was dropped. And that was that.

I called Stewart Katz, a Sacramento lawyer known for suing cops. He asked me if I planned to continue living in Sacramento. I said that yes, I did plan to. He told me there wasn't enough money in it to be worth putting myself on the Sac PD's "Please fuck with me all the time" list. I took his advice.

Buy my new album and special Atheist Christmas here:
http://keithlowelljensen.blogspot.com/2014/11/atheist-christmas-out-now.html

Reviews

My CD got two more great reviews.

The Serious Comedy Site, says "To The Moon, the first stand-up comedy CD by Keith Lowell Jensen is solid, solid stuff."

And Romanian Comedy Site Aristocratii.ru, says "A great listen, all ending in a wonderfully crafted story that reminded me of Woody Allen’s stand-up."

The Atheist Survival Guide, still treading water...

I was all set to publish The Atheist Survival Guide with American Atheist Press but Frank Zindler runs the publishing arm of AA all on his own and his health has not cooperated. He is not able to get the book done in the time frame I wanted and can not guarantee when it would be so he let me out of my contract.
I submitted a query letter to Prometheus books and heard back almost immediately.
So, now I have a newborn baby, a CD to promote, a day job, a weekly comedy show, a big show with Coexist Comedy Tour at The Crest which is also to be a concert film, and I'm getting my book ready. I didn't figure on Prometheus replying as quickly as they did so I hadn't done the edit/minor rewrite I feel needs to be done.
Life is crazy. I would probably be depressed and bored if it wasn't so no complaints. I hope Prometheus takes the book. That would be amazing.

WHAT! A NEWBORN BABY! Yeah, I didn't say much about that did I? No, it's not because I'm self absorbed and career obsessed (though I am on both counts). It's because I have a separate blog, keithlovesbryna.com all about that goodness. :D

Stand Up Comedy, Coffee, Idiots, I'm Just Saying...

Steve Martin Stole My Act!!!

I was but a toddler making his first trip to Disneyland. It should have been the happiest day of my young life. I had on my little white suit, my arrow through the head, I was part of a happy group consisting of me, my Jehova’s Witness friend Suzie Jones and her many, many siblings. Mr. and Mrs. Jones chaperoned.

I'd grown bored of making hilarious balloon sculptures to entertain the Jones family (the Freud with a corndog is still one of my finest) and so I pulled out my banjo picked a few tunes and when a crowd gathered I told a joke or two.

This pathetic teenager was slouching outside the magic shop trying to draw people in with some stale jokes and tired old coin tricks. He witnessed all the hub-bub around my stroller and, coming in to get a closer look he realized I was everything he'd been looking to become. I managed to combine the finest of vaudeville with modern sensibilities and a so unhip as to be hip anti-hipness that made the hip post-hippy crowd adore me. Above all I was innocent. That's what they loved the most, my feigned innocence combined with the seemingly accidental wit of a Wise Man.

He cornered me and Suzie while we waited for her parents and siblings who were engaged in a vain search for sugar free beverages in the magic kingdom. This adolescent with "Hi, My Name Is Steve" pinned to his chest bought us a couple of corndogs and I showed him my shtick. From happy feet to balloon art. He took notes and kept saying, "Yes, Yes, Yes!" and then kissing the corn dog lady; Big sloppy kisses of the kind the world would witness years later in Prince's Purple Rain (By the way Prince stole that script from my cousin Paul, though Paul's version was about an airline stewardess who ran for congress and it featured more folk music. Believe it or not, it's up to you. I don't care.)

That bastard Martin's career has been non-stop ever since. He’s making awful movies for big money thanks to my material and I’m selling solar powered umbrella’s at a kiosk in the mall.

Now Steve's never going to admit to our little meeting. The only witnesses were Suzie and the girl working at the corn dog stand. Steve was sleeping with the corn dog girl, (and eating at her stand for free I should mention), and promised to sleep with Suzie when she came of age if she'd keep her mouth shut about his lifting of my gags. She maybe a good witness for Jehova, but she sure didn’t come through for me. Yeah, I know it’s a cheesy joke. Why would I write a good one when that bastard will just take it from me?!

Now I want you Steve Martin fans to know that although I'm mad at Steve for stealing my material when I was but a mere boy incapable of defending myself, I do love his comedy dearly. Of course I do, since it's really mine. So you see, in that sense I too am a Steve Martin fan, though I hate his lousy, stinking guts. Steve is one of my biggest comedy influences meaning I too want to steal all my material from a toddler.

I've been quiet about this for too long. I'm ready to fight! I will show this Steve Martin for the evil corn dog eating, comedy stealing, corn dog vendor and Jehova's Witness just turned 18 threesome having scoundrel (sorry for the bad language) that he is...

Unless he agrees to "Settle" out of court for a reasonable fee.

Artist/Producer

I have tried unsuccessful to resist being on the business/production end of comedy. I don't want to sell comedy I want to make comedy. I know comedians that have moved out of performing into producing and I didn't want to be one of them, but it felt like a good strategy as a performer; using the producer roll to put myself on stage more and with better acts.

I realized yesterday that while I know friends who moved into the producer role completely they weren't friends who I saw as good performers. I don't mean that in any mean spirited way at all, but if I saw one example of someone who really impressed and inspired me as performer and who lost it to producing I'd have reason to be scared. Since that isn't the case, I will continue to produce shows which gives me great contacts and puts me on great bills. I will trust that my talent is sufficient to make the most of these opportunities.

Coexist Comedy Tour

It feels strange to put out the first press release for Coexist? Comedy Tour at The Crest. I've been away from Coexist for a bit and it was such a large focus of my life and especially my life as a comic for so long. Coexist makes me smile, makes me feel really proud. With Coexist I feel like I make comedy say something and I make dialog happen, dialog about free speech and about freedom of religion and about being friends and having fun with our differences. I guess I'm more proud of this than just about anything else I've done as a comic.

We've done it for two years and every time I feel that ceiling coming and worry about what we can do to take it up another level there is something there to take it to that next level and that something this time is that Larry Brand is coming to film it all for his documentary on atheists but he is taping the whole thing and as he put it, killing two birds with one stone. He feels like we are something special and worth being our own film and I of course agree.

So, I am excited as all hell and I feel like this is an important and big break for me and for this tour and with my daughter coming any day now the timing it certainly nice.

Now we just need to PACK this theater and I am sure that we will.

Gay ass fundies

It's interesting that the anti-gay, fundy religious folks are more obsessed with Sodomy than any of the gay people I know... and I know a-lot of gay folks... and not all that many fundamentalists.
Whenever I'm around these preachy types, I'm like, "You're thinking about my dick and my ass right now aren't you? Wondering what I get up to with 'em." It's sick I tell you, sick.

No Direction Home

Finally getting around to watching the Scorsese Bob Dylan documentary. Damn good stuff. Makes me feel lazy. Makes me wish I'd known what I wanted to do younger. I'm still figuring it out now, almost twice the age Dylan was when he released his first album. But I'm excited that my comedy is growing quickly. I'm getting very adept at the story telling direction that I've felt myself resisting ever since bombing a story on my first professional gig.
Life goes by a little quicker thank I'd like. It's not that I'm trying to stay young it's just that one age comes on before I'm quite done with the last. Jesus universe, what's the hurry?!

My turn god dammit.

It's not that I think I deserve fame because I'm funnier than Louis CK or Doug Stanhope. Those guys are obviously hilarious and deserving of their fame. It's just that I don't need to think all that highly of myself (for the record, I do) to realize that there are people who have exceeded far beyond just ditching the day job with far less talent than I have. I don't have to think I'm great to think I'm better than...

People who've undeservingly been famous in my lifetime.
Ron Jeremy - has a big penis.
Where's the Beef Lady- didn't know where the beef was, apparently never met Ron Jeremy.
John Bobbit - had his penis cut off, got a national comedy tour out of it. Knows where the beef is.
Dustin Diamond aka Screech - national comedy tour for, geeze I have no idea what for.
Glenn Beck - I could write a novel on this one.
Joe The Plumber- was in the right place when the right was desperate.
Palin - see above.

Larry The Cable Guy - Git 'er Done. I've been working on my clever "go to" phrase: "That's it. That was the joke, please laugh now." I think it could be my ticket in.

Vanilla Ice - Come on, I have the gun, there is a barrel of fish, really do I need to bother with this one?

Jim Baker, Tammy Fae Baker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggerty, Jerry Falwell, all the rest but NOT Benny Hinn who is the greatest mentalist of our time.

Who else...

Comedian on Home Schooling

Baby Blog

If you're wondering why I haven't posted more about my impending father-dom here it's because I post about it here: www.keithlovesbryna.com.

Success High - Dyslexia

Overheard on Broadway in Sacramento

I'm walking down Broadway to The Comedy Spot for a meeting with owner Brian Crall. I pass a drunk homeless man sitting on a park bench. He says, "I have love for you my man."
I smile and say "Thank you."
He replies "You fuckin' suck."
I guess thank you isn't what he was looking for?

I get to the comedy spot and I'm a bit early so I stand out front for minute. A car is stopped at the traffic light and a girl leans out of her window and says "Hey, I've seen you. You're really funny." She gives me two thumbs up and then the light turns green.
Walking down Broadway is always a good time.

I F*%#ed Her, a Time Travel Joke

Atheist Church Sept. 20, 2009 Q and A

Oh My Goth

Yeah, that's black nail polish. You can see the last remnants of my dyed black hair and the big coat with the collar. I swear I loved the winter then just because the clothes were better. Oh who am I kidding, I love the winter NOW because the clothes are better!!!

Thanks Jeremy for sharing this photo. I'm thinking it's circa 1990 yes?

Indie

I'm an indie comedian. I have an indie comedy album.
What this means, in my case at least though I doubt I'm alone in this, is that the record labels I submitted to turned me down. They took a pass on my album.

There is no shame in that, and I knew that I'd be happy to DIY it but hell, if someone else was going to put up the money and advertise and do this on a bigger scale I wasn't going to tell them not to. In fact I was willing to take the steps necessary to make sure they knew I existed, just in case they didn't want to reject me.

So now I have an indie release and that is a marketing point. I sell it as an indy release by an indie comic. This is sincere though. I really am proud. I'm proud of being rejected or more accurately I'm proud of not letting the rejection stop me. I'm proud of doing it anyway. I will not let some suits or guys conspicuously not wearing suits, guys sporting pony tales, I will not let them be the arbiter of funny. What the hell do they know? My mom thinks I'm funny! So I asked her loan me the money to make the album. (Actually I hit my dad up, but mom sounded funnier.)

The word indie has taken on some other meaning though. It's a genre now based on a certain sound apparently. All of the "indie" bands I see boasted in the hip indie magazine are signed to the indie arm of a major label. They're not indie, they just sound indie? So, they just sound like they'd be rejected? But they weren't? Do their mom's even like their sound?

And I find myself in a position to defend my comedy and it's indie-ness. Um, it's indie because I owe my dad money. See that piece of punctuation at the end of the last sentence? That's a period! Dad doesn't have a pony tale. When someone with a ponytale pays for my album to be pressed and buys me a few lunches to boot, then you can grill me for my indie credentials, for now, screw you, I'm indie.

So anyway, please, go to one of these large corporate websites and buy my indy CD or take me out to coffee and I'll sell you one cheaper.

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/keithlowelljensen

http://www.amazon.com/Moon-Live-at-Lunas/dp/B002IV5270/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1253168228&sr=8-1

Kid In The Bar - by Keith Lowell Jensen

Little Brother Married

I went to So Cal this weekend and watched my little brother James and his lovely girlfriend, now wife, Katy get hitched.
The lakeside gazebo where they tied the knot doesn't take reservations, it's catch as catch can so James dropped me there early to hold the spot. I sat there drinking espresso and watching the ducks and a crane and even a turtle do their thing in the lake and the joggers do theirs up on the path. It was really nice. Then everyone showed up, our older brother John did a great job officiating, then back to James and Katy's place for grub and toasts.
On my way home my cell phone received this photo of the newlyweds at Disneyland. Congrats to them both and welcome to the family to Katy and Jack-Jack, her awesome little boy who I'm stoked to call nephew even if he calls me Jack-Jack and insists that his name is Dylan.

He's Jack-Jack.

I'll Try

I don't want to be a comedian today. At the moment I'd much rather be a poet. I don't know how to write a joke about how ridiculously happy I get seeing the first orange leaves of the season as I make my way home from LA and how that happiness is prolonged by waking up this morning to find it rained over night leaving everything bright and clean.
I don't know how to make jokes full of love and excitement and sweet, nostalgic sorrow for every past moment.
But a comedian is what I am, so I'll try...

Rescue Marriage: Act To Make Divoce Legal in Calfornia

Atheist Church 9-6-2009 Satan's Receptionist

I finally figure out why The Jonas Brothers, Carlos Mencia, Larry The Cable Guy etc. are famous and I'm not...

Tom Rhodes, Punch Line

Working with Tom Rhodes has been fun. It is work more so than other gigs I've had. Three shows so far, three to go, and at every show I do my 15 minutes and then I'm there through-out to do announcements and emcee, right up until I close the show. Don't get me wrong, I love it. As work goes it sure beats digging ditches. I would love to do more of this kind of work and of course that is my plan.
The feature is Barry Weintraub from New York. He is a very political comic and a really nice guy. In a strange coincidence, he is staying with his friend Charlie Weiss while he is in town. Charlie's son Aaron and I were in a band together called The Ugly Sticks.

I'll try and get a picture to put up. Rhodes is a blast and I love his voice and his half singing/ half cartoon character delivery. For now, I'm off to the club...

Tim Meadows and Uncle Brother

I just realized I was so busy with my CD release show I never blogged about my week opening for Tim Meadows at Punch Line Sacramento. It was great. I was really happy with my set each night and so was the audience. It was great fun flyering after the show and getting tons of compliments from enthusiastic hand shakes from folks.
Meadows did a bit of stand up and then brought up Uncle Brother, two improv guys from Chicago and he joined them in some of the best long form improv I've seen. Meadows and the Uncle Brother guys were all really nice and friendly.
This week I'm back at Punch with Tom Rhodes which should be a blast. The man is a legend.

Press Blitz

REVIEWS!

Click the headline to go the full article:
About.com "Jensen has a hard time focusing on any one thing for too long. That doesn't mean he lacks a point of view, though; he's got a dark sensibility and a propensity for logic over blind acceptance."

The Serious Comedy Site "To The Moon, the first stand-up comedy CD by Keith Lowell Jensen is solid, solid stuff."

Aristocratii.ru (Romania) "A great listen, all ending in a wonderfully crafted story that reminded me of Woody Allen’s stand-up."

The Sacramento Bee "Jensen's comedy has gone global"

News and Review: "Jensen skewers everything—religion, Jenny McCarthy, light-rail drivers. Don't miss a chance to see him live."

SacRag.com "Jensen turns a throwaway Light Rail Drivers joke into an extended piece about remixing the joke for different audiences, and segues from that into a great series of jokes about performing in small town “comedy clubs,” building to a great bit about parents who bring their kids to bars, with a classic R-rated punchline."

Submerge Magazine "To the Moon finds Jensen rocketing his material to new heights, touching upon anything from having a kid to the costumes in porn. Jensen gets introspective too, poking fun at his experience of attending continuation school"

SacramentoPress.com Show Review "Jensen’s biting commentary on religion and the way society perceives it was still prevalent in his act, but it was interspersed with bits on his imminent transformation into a father in October and why he is “hella gay at being straight.”

Retrocrush.com "The jokes are great and genuine. Good observational humor that is a great blend of smart, wacky, and self deprecating. With topics that include his continuation school experiences, being "hella gay at being straight", and Microsoft Vista jokes, this CD is unique."

BadMouth.net "By turns cerebral, profane and lowbrow, Jensen offers insight into life as a small-time comedian, observations about porn and an extremely funny extended scatological bit that give the CD it’s name. To the Moon is a no-brainer for existing fans of Jensen’s and a great way for the uninitiated to become acquainted with one of Northern California’s fastest rising stars."

Friendly Atheist "While he doesn’t tackle religion on this particular album, he does have a fantastic bit about Jenny McCarthy and her anti-vaccination crusade and there are plenty of geek-related jokes (e.g. Microsoft Vista, tech support, time travel) that a skeptical audience would appreciate."

KXJZ

SacramentoPress.com

CD Release Show

The CD release show at Punch Line was big fat fun. I was on stage for almost an hour and had a great time. Lots of impromptu ha has, which is always a thrill. For me the highlight of my set was Cats Made Of Rabbits.
The other comics all had good sets and Marcella Arguello was the best emcee ever. She kept the audience laughing and excited throughout the night, and I believe she got a few drinks bought for her too. Woo hoo. Lookin' forward to doin' a San Francisco show soon.

Excited

When I was in a band, I remember walking around singing our latest song and being so excited about it. It's not a feeling I get as often in comedy. I'm doing Cats Made of Rabbits as a stand up bit and I am that excited about it. I can't wait to do it again. It's my favorite bit in a long time. It worked really well for me at the CD release show.

Let's Talk About Health Care

Atheist Church August 23, Votebots and Records

Punning Contest

What a weird night. I did a show, Comedy From The Couch with my friend John Ross, up on Broadway just a few blocks from my house. I'm walkin' home after and a I run into some drunk who at first I'm worried is looking for a fight but it turns out her recognizes me as a comedian but I think he has me mixed up with another comic. It's very important to him that I admit that he beat me at a punning contest. A punning contest? So, I say, "I'm sure you did." and I try really hard to avoid puns lest I accidentally end up in another punning contest. It can be difficult NOT punning. He is trying to pun, but the furthest the efforts gets is "Yeah, you can... uh... Oh, I bet you don't..."
So, we stand there, not punning, until I decide that it's safe to say, "Okay, I have to go now. It is time for me to go to bed." speaking really slowly and deliberatlely just SURE that I'm going to pun unintentionaly and be... punished for it. SEE?! See how easily it happens? I got home safe and sound. I hope he did as well.

Winkers?

I put up a new post on the Truly Awful Stuff blog. Have a look see here. www.TrulyAwful.com

Atheist Church with Special Guest John Ross part One

Competition, done, yay for that

Tonight, I was in another competition and again I did not advance past the first round. It doesn't bother me too much though. I know I did a really good set, but the guys who won for the most part deserved. The guys in 1st and 2nd place (the top 3 advance) had better sets than me.
The bad experience was the last contest before this, where 1 guy had a better set than me but four people advanced instead of me and two of them were awful and hacky.
So, tonight was fine.
If I want to do any more competitions, and I'm not sure I do, I need to work on my short game. I've got a really good long game and a decent short, but I tend to like a little time to build up and when I only have five minutes I need to figure out how to just go out there already UP.
Ah well. All week I'm opening for Tim Meadows at The Punch Line, and that is cool. :D

To The Moon CD Release Party

What: Keith Lowell Jensen "To The Moon... Live at Luna's" CD Release Party
Who: KLJ plus Mike E. Winfield, Kelly Pryce, Ray Molina and Marcella Arguello
When: Wednesday August 26th, 8pm
Where: Punch Line, Sacramento, CA 95825
How Much: $15 includes a copy of "To The Moon."
Phone: (916) 925-5500

"By turns cerebral, profane and lowbrow, Jensen offers insight into life as a small-time comedian, observations about porn and an extremely funny extended scatalogical bit that give the CD it’s name"
BadMouth.net

"A great blend of smart, wacky, and self deprecating humor."
RetroCrush.com

"Jensen is best known as the atheist comedian on the popular Coexist? Comedy Tour. On "To The Moon" the comic talks about everything but religion, from his adventures in public school to the declining quality of pornography. With this effort Jensen establishes himself as a unique, refreshingly sincere and absolutely irreverent voice in modern comedy. This is one hilarious CD."

Atheist Church August 26, KLJology

http://rockass.net
You're initials make it clear that your desitiny involves going to my website and buying my CD. Doing it sooner rather than later means getting to the good things in life that much sooner. Do it now. Be the change you want to see in my pocket.

I Rode The Short Bus

I was talking with a friend of mine who also does stand up. We were discussing the sad truth that there are really earnest, hardworking guys in this game who just don't seem to have it and who seem unlikely to get it, but they chase it like nobody's business. They would seem to be delusional. But that's the problem with being delusional. The main symptom is that you don't know you're delusional which begs the question, how do we know that WE are not THEM!

When I was a kid I got put in the GATE program, for smart kids. Which meant taking the bus to a different school. It was a short bus.

That school had classes for mentally retarded kids too. They rode the same short bus I did.
My brothers told me I was retarded. They told me all those other kids on the bus were told they were smart too. I asked the other kids. My brothers were right. This messed with my head something awful!!

If the retarded kids didn't know they were retarded how could I know that I wasn't retarded?
Eventually I got to be friends with the other kids on the short bus and we had a great time. They were pretty clear that while they liked me, I was different. I figured they'd know better than I.

My CD reviewed and Bootlegged

My CD has received it's first review courtesy of BadMouth.net. Muppet voiced? You know, I never realized I had an unusual voice but I've been hearing a lot of this kind of stuff lately. One guy called me "A Very Gay Will Ferrel with Kermit The Frog's Voice."

And my friend Scott has announced his intentions to bootleg the CD, selling his version, edited down to "just the funny bits" with a new cover featuring "less KLJ, more farm animal" for just $2. I hope the "Just the funny bits" doesn't mean he is selling a blank disc, though that would be quite hilarious.
Scott's lovely wife Lori photoshopped up the new cover. I like it.

Ha ha.

Atheist Church July 26, 2009 Goodbye to Thugs

2009 Gathering Of The Juggalos Infomercial

There are times when I hate America...

Keith Lowell Jensen Rocks Ass

Brent Weinbach "The Night Shift" Promo #1

Super excited about this!

Contest. Why?

Shit. I do a great set, I feel good, then I enter a contest. Time between entering and actually performing in contest is spent realizing I hate contests. I am confident that I have something special to offer, that I am prolific and that I manage to be funny while tackling subject matter that means a-lot to me. But when I have to do my best five minutes and put it up against everyone else's best five in front of a crowd and in front of judges that aren't necessarily my demographic I get really insecure.
I feel like I'm the turtle in this race. The hare being these young comics who are better than me at just getting up there and not giving a shit and just cracking up any crowd, any time. Of course the turtle has stamina and keeps going and doesn't burn out but damn, the turtle has to spend a-lot of time with that freakin' rabbit in front of him and it gets pretty damn discouraging.
Ah well. Competition, August 5th, The Purple Onion. Come cheer me on. :D

Manswers

So, word is the episode of Manswers I was on aired again last night. It's always fun hearing from everyone that they saw me on TV.
On Spike TV's Manswers

Atheist Church July 19, 2009 It's OK Not To Believe

This Wednesday Ngaio Bealum at Luna's

They say pot kills brain cells. Damn, how smart was this guy before?!

It's actually quite ridiculous the level of talent we're getting in this tiny room but hey, word is getting around to the comics that our audiences are great and we're a good Wednesday night workout room.

Best known for hosting High Times comedy events, Ngaio Bealum is an unusually intelligent stand-up whose gut-busting comedy nevertheless reflects a pot lover's perspective of the world. Also a talented rapper/musician, Ngaio Bealum has appeared on "The Sarah Silverman Program" and in the feature film "Nine Months."

With Host Keith Lowell Jensen
Date: Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Time: 8:00pm - 10:00pm
Location: Luna's Cafe
1414 16th Street
Sacramento, CA 95814

$5 Cheap

Back in Sacramento

The trip to LA was great and terrible. Terrible because I got really sick and I'm the kinda guy who doesn't work sick, not at my day job anyway. When I'm sick, I experience being sick for all it's worth. I eat soup, watch a bunch of movies, read books (NOT THE STAND, Seriously, if you're sick keep that damn book the hell away.)
But this wasn't my job it was my career and so I went to two interviews and two gigs despite feeling like death served cold.
But I also got to meet Doug Benson less than 24 hours after I finished watching his movie Super High Me. That was really cool.
And I got to do a set at The Hollywood Improv which is always a treat. I had a great time. One of the other acts was a woman who shook her breasts while yelling "Titties in the house." and she actually went over fairly well so I was worried it wasn't my crowd but I did okay with them. Apparently they like titties AND jokes about my religion.
So we're clear, I don't usually walk into a club show and do all this material about religion. I have a club set and I save all but a little of the atheist bits for The Coexist? Comedy Tour. I was doing this specifically for the cameras.
But, my jokes worked, all accept for the bit about my whole family being Christian, "You could say, there but for the grace of god go I." That got blank stares. No problem, I always have my follow up, "You could say, but you shouldn't, apparently, especially if you're onstage at a comedy club... and you want to get laughs..." nothing "Okay, we'll move on."
That is one of my favorite lines and when it hits it hits hard but it only works about half the time. I think that the phrase "There but for the grace of god go I" is not as common as it once was so younger crowds especially are confused by it.
I'm starting to feel better, thrilled to be home and looking forward to seeing the tape.

My set list for The Improv Tonight

Knock Knock
Answering The Door Naked
As long as they're offered a reward at the end
Christians want to pray for me.
God Heals Them

The Muslim's SIgning Incentive
72 Virgins
Ever Been with a Virgin?
More experience required, not an entry level position
How insecure are you?
Raisins, my favorite dried fruit- pissed of and horny, two scoops
Aren't you afraid?

Hindus
called tech support
Texas
They Know How Dumb We Are.
Wheel of Samsara
SIkhs- They have a message for us

Jews
Why I don't pick on The Jews Closer, cut to this joke if time runs short
Anti-Semitic on Accident X-tra material if time left

More on Career Strategy

First off, just so I don't come off as a pompous ass, these posts on strategy are not meant to be a guide to how it's done being written by someone who hasn't yet "done it."

These are my thoughts on how I'm attempting to do it and what strategies I'm applying. I keep adjusting as things work and fail.

For now, I'm digging going to out of town shows and having people know me. YouTube had given me that more than anything else. YouTube is also paying me. It's not a-lot but I can see it increasing especially as I add subscribers in the dozens every day. So, I'm going to continue to put a heavy focus on YouTube.

I want to put more stand up on YouTube which means being more disciplined about taping every set. I'm performing two or three shows a week which isn't quite enough but it's better than I have done in the past. My stage fright is all but gone with just a bit of nervousness, usually before a small show more than before a big show oddly enough.

I'm just weeks from having my CD up for sale, then comes my book and then the DVD release of Why Lie I Need A Drink. It will be interesting to see what having product does to the bottom line. I'm optimistic.

For now I'm in LA about to go up at The Improv for the third time in less than a year. I used to fantasize about taking that stage and now I feel like I'm getting familiar with it.

Sneezing in Downtown LA

I'm in Los Angeles relaxing at Brett and Christy's place full of cats and lizards (see LizardBoyZoo.com to understand.)
Had a nice long walk this morning through downtown after breakfast at the nickel diner. Tomorrow I have two interviews, one with Larry Brand for the documentary and one with some internet news service that I really don't know much a bout.
My allergies are having fun with the catness all about me so the more I find to force me out of the sneezy but air conditioned indoors and out into the less sneezy but very hot outdoors the better. Wow, spell check says sneezy really is a word. Cool.

So last night I did a set at The Hyperion Tavern. Tiny little room and my audience, made up of the filmmakers friends since this was a last minute thing, was mostly catholic ladies of a certain age. Not my ideal demographic but it went fine. The footage should look really neat as it's a bizarre little room.

After the show/taping it was back to Christy and Brett's where I made them watch Katt Williams Live. Damn he is funny. I think Katt is one of the best comics working today and if you're not familiar I suggest checkin' him out right away. Well, I got snifflin', and sneezing to get back to.

For future trips I will have a flip camera, which I'm buying any day now, since the two hour model is out, and I will better document the adventure. :D

The Truth About Facebook

There is a group called The Truth About Facebook. They have the SHOCKING news that your facebook information isn't private!Apparently what you publish on a social networking site can be seen by just about anyone including... gasp... The CIA! Oh man, guess I better take down my "How I plan to stage a coup" notes. I have no idea this shit was public!!! Thank you Truth About Facebook.

I think what we need to do is to put "Just Kidding after every post. That'll work. But you, my real friends all know that when I say Just Kidding I mean, NO, FOR REAL!
Just kidding.

Did I mention WHERE I found this group? On Facebook of course. Man, this stuff writes itself.

Francois Fly Puke Splatter

It is a beautiful thing when a Fly comedian returns to the stage of his beloved Trash Film Orgy, vomits on the floor and huffs some raid while doing a sloppy but impassioned cover of The Cramp's song Human Fly. And it is made more beautiful by the talents of Bob from www.bobsphotoshow.com.
Good stuff. Click on the picture to see the larger version.

Atheist Church July 12, 2009 Coming Out Atheist

Featuring a clip of I Can't Believe It's Not Comedy starring Miles Miniacci, Sid Garcia Heberger and Ben "The Pony" Miller.
You can buy I Can't Believe It's Not Comedy's CD "Funnier Than God", which features Keith Lowell Jensen as both an actor and sketch writer, here:
ICBINC Funnier Than God

Atheist Documentary Taping at Hollywood Improv

Mike E. Winfield delivered tonight at Luna's

Ahhhh shit. Mike E. Winfield is smooth! He just headlined my Wednesday room and that guy just boggles me. I admire many comics for a wide range off different qualities. Now Mike E. is a good all round comic, amazing really, but the thing that Mike E. most represents to me is Stage Presence. He is the Patron St. of stage presence. So study Johnny Carson to learn how to roll with the punches and make the worst jokes get the biggest laugh. Study Brent Weinbach to learn how to commit! Study Emo Phillips, Woody Allen or Bob Newhart to learn how to write. Study Richard Pryor for sincerity and heart. Bill Cosby for story telling. And when you want to learn how to OWN the stage, I sugggest you enlist as tutor, one Mike E. Winfield.
Watch this clip of Winfield on Comics Without Borders, see a pro...

Red Hot Non-Stop Hot Stewardess Action All Night Long

Rich people fly 1st class. They get nice comfortable seats with extra leg room but more importantly they get to NOT sit with poor people. They like that.

They also get to be seated first and here is where the problems start. I have to get on after them. I don't mind this, it's only fair. I'm poor I belong in the back of the bus, er, I mean plane. The problem is that I have to walk through their nice 1st class section to get to my ghetto. They paid all that money NOT to have to deal with the likes of me, and then they are made to suffer the indignity of me and my poor friends walking THROUGH their section with our back packs and bad teeth. The tension is palpable.

It didn't used to be this way. When commercial flight started it was all first class. We poor people stayed on the ground where we belong and rich people partied in the sky above the clouds with hot stewardesses in skimpy outfits and good looking young pilots. Oh whoa is me. I was born in the wrong social class AND in the wrong time.

I mean these days, why would I even bother to work hard to be rich? So I can have a bunch of commoners parading through my SECTION of the airplane? I don't think so. No, sorry, being rich these days just isn't worth it. And that, my friends, is why I'm blogging instead of working hard right now.

Heading To Los Angeles

Filmmakers Larry Brand and Rebecca Reynolds are working on a documentary on atheists, and yours truly has been invited to provide a bit of comic relief. They're flying me down to LA next week so they can film me doing my atheist material. I'm not sure the venues yet but we're looking at The Hollywood Improv. Hopefully that works out. I love the Improv.
I'm also working on a radio story with Roman Mars for a project he's doing looking at "Snap Judgments." More on that later. Lots happening.
Tonight we have Mike E. Winfield here in Sacramento at Luna's, 1414 16th Street.

Cats Made Of Rabbits

I was at The Peach Tree which is the best place to stop off of Highway 5 as their vintage lunch box and thermos collection rules.

While perusing their gift shop I spotted some super realistic looking cats, like too realistic looking. "Is this some kind of cat taxidermy?" I thought. I picked one up and saw the quality assurance. This cat was made with 100% real genuine rabbit fur!

Some things are so weird the weirdness can't hit you all at once. I was halfway back to Sacramento when it occurred to me how very bizarre it is to make cats out of rabbits. They're killing a live, real animal and reassembling it's carcass to look like another animal. Amazing. They killed rabbits and made cats out of them.

To make one animal out of another is indeed the height of human ingenuity. Do me a favor though. If you see the flying saucers landing, if the aliens are invading, HIDE THE CATS MADE OF RABBITS! If an advanced civilization is assessing our value and potential I think it will be tough to explain Auschwitz, Hiroshima and the Trail of Tears but I think they will understand tribalism and warfare. I'm pretty sure cats made of rabbits will label us suitable only for soup-stock.

(For more awful things see www.TrulyAwfulStuff.com)

Atheist Church July 4th, 2009 One Nation Under God

Coexist Comedy at SF Comedy College

Rapture Letters

http://www.raptureletters.com
The idea for this video comes directly from my blog, an old post that can found at:
http://keithlowelljensen.blogspot.com/2006/03/rapture-letters.html

Wasting Time on Assholes

I waste way too much time and energy talking to assholes on the internet. I really should adopt a policy of just not replying to anyone who can not communicate without calling names, or making talk radio type claims like the guy who says I must be a Muslim since I don't agree with banning the burqa. Why would I even bother with such ridiculousness? It's like an addiction though. Must fight with asshole! As if I have any chance of changing the mind of someone like that. Like their mind has the capacity for change.
And there is positive discourse too but I get distracted from it by the dumb stuff. That should change.

Ah well. Tonight should be a fun night. I've got some great comics lined up for Comedy Night at Luna's.

The CD project is moving along. We did a photo shoot yesterday to get a pic for the inside of the CD jacket and I think we got some great photos for promotional stuff as well. Can't wait to see the pics. Thanks for sharing your opinions no the covers (see last post.) People are pretty divided, which to me says that both covers look pretty great. Irina is a wonderful designer and Kiny is one bad ass photographer.

Which Cover Do You Like

For my CD cover, we started with a great photo by Kiny Mccarrick and then Irina Beffa went to work on it using the old Blue Note album covers for inspiration.
We still need to add the label's logo and the UPC and such, but I think these look great. Which do YOU like better? Let me know in the comments. Click each image to see larger version.
This first design we'll call PINK for it's pink lettering, not for how very gay I look in the photo, otherwise they'd both be called pink.
And this design we'll call BLUE not for the fact that it's that color but for the fact that I feel so blue inside as I have never truly felt loved. :D

Sarkozy Wears a Burqa

The replies to this one are quite exciting. I've been called an asshole, disgusting, and worse. I'm fine with people disagreeing with me, great with it in fact but it's sad that people have to make an enemy of someone who holds a different opinion than they do. I have people attacking the burqa and expecting me to defend it! I wonder if they listened to the video at all. I find the burqa offensive and oppressive but I don't think we can forbid an adult women from wearing an article of clothing. It's a dangerous precedent. This makes me an evil asshole? Oh well. Evil Asshole here saying, have a great day.

Atheist Church June 28th, 2009 Sorry Cargo Pants Friends

Answering The Door Naked

Michael Jackson, Iranian Election and Ed's shit luck

The Iranian Election Protesters had better get some dead celebrities and quick if they'd like to regain the world's attention. Did I see a cell phone image linked on twitter of a bunch of protesters practicing the moonwalk?

So, Michael Jackson is dead. Now that he is gone and I'm thinking back over all the amazing things he has given us, I kind of feel bad that we made such a big deal over the whole kid fucking thing.

I can't feel sad about Jackson's death so much as I feel sad about his life. He has to be one of the more extreme examples of a profoundly broken person behaving desperately. And now the pain has stopped. I have always and will continue to enjoy the amazing contributions he made to pop music and to choreography. No doubt he was one of the more talented people ever to walk (or moonwalk) this earth.

And Ed McMahon is gone too. Does the fact that he was always in trouble financially himself make it more acceptable or less so that he was part of so many schemes benefiting off the poor and gullible (Cash for Gold, Publisher's Clearing House.)

Things We Made put on a great show

My special guests at Comedy Night last night were a San Francisco comedy troupe called Things We Made. They were phenomenal and we had a nice full cafe to enjoy the funniness.

The "troupe" is mostly comprised of Patrick Bulger and Jesse Fernandez. Last night they were joined by the very strange and very funny DJ Real and a great stand up by the name of Joe Tobin. Last week's healdiner, Cheese also came up with them and did a set which was a pleasant surprise.

Patrick and I talked afterward and it looks likely that we'll have them back in two months with an all new show.

I did a few minutes at the top of the show doing all brand stinking new material and I was quite happy with it.

Obama and The Iranian Election

Atheist Church June 21, 2009 Happy Fathers Day

Is Obama doing enough about Iranian protests?

First off, I'd say Obama is a one of the main factors behind the conflicts in Iran right now. Just as 9-11 united our country for a time against a common enemy, Bush's Axis of Evil speech and the stand off regarding nuclear weapons gave Iran their own Boogey man. It would've been downright unpatriotic for an Iranian not to support Ahmadinejad as he stared down the threatening US.

But then along comes Obama, with his goddamn respect and offer of talks and cooperation and suddenly, the Boogey man turns out to be quite nice and Iran is not so united with a bit more room for internal conflict.

If you need proof, look at the strategy Iran's supreme leader is employing, trying to blame the unrest on the west, trying to fear-monger like some kind of American Republican. I'm sure they too have a risk assessment color chart and red, white and blue is at the top of it.

The leadership there is SO desperate they're calling England a threat, ENGLAND! Like that little island can really threaten anyone in this day and age. What are they gonna do? Withhold kippers? They might attack, but not until after tea time. Sorry England, I'm kidding of course. You're really quite tough. Yes you are. Who is a tough wittle Empire? (Read that in baby talk, it's hilarious.)

Now people are bitching that Obama doesn't try a bit of force or at least some threats. Yeah, because that's worked so well in the rest of the middle east, yes? The definition of insanity that reads "Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results." would seem to apply here.

Yes, I feel sorry for the dead protesters and their families but making a lot more dead people with no solid plan and very little chance of achieving peace and democracy is not the way we make sure they didn't die in vain. I stand behind Obama's voicing of support while being very cautious with threats and action.

How many Iranian protesters are asking for us to intervene militarily anyway? Have you heard such a request? They are the ones who actually have to live with whatever comes next, I value their voice in this. And I just can't imagine them inviting us or our bombs over.

Think of it this way. When Bush stole the Presidency here, would we have welcomed some "support" from Iran? Or from anyone for that matter? No, I didn't think so. Okay, so shut up now and go turn your twitter icon green. It may not make any real difference but either will your talk of smart bombs and reckless action and it'll at least make you look cool.

Blah blah blah YAY!

Yesterday, feeling blah, today, much better. Better started last night actually. The agent I am trying to get in with called me and we had a really great talk. I felt like we connected. He was talking to me from his car and when he got home he emailed me and told me he liked my clips and would like to bring me down to tape a good quality video clip. I'm very excited about the prospect of working with this guy.

I put in a few hours on editing my CD last night. So far I only cut things that obviously needed to be cut and I edited in a couple of tags from night three, (night one being my base.) Eventually I'll get to the hard part and will have to actually cut a joke or two. I want to keep it under an hour and I want it to really move and hit hard. I'm still very excited about this recording and sure that it is special but multiple listenings are allowing me to be a bit more objective and I'm seeing spots that are a bit slower, comparatively. For cutting I think it is really good to have a some folks you can trust lend an ear though as one's jokes can become quite precious. Not that I won't leave room to occasionally leave in a joke that might resonate with people longer even if it isn't the loudest laugher of the bunch.

Short Set/ Long Set

I learned to do five minutes. I learned to love it actually and have thought that it would be cool to do a documentary shot entirely at open mics catching the best short sets. A short set is like a haiku, it's own particular discipline.
Then I started to get longer sets. That is it's own thing. At first I just did the same thing I did with my short sets but for longer.
I have a friends who advise me but one guy in particular has been kind of coaching me. He was telling me I need to put ME into my act and to find my voice. I think I have started to find that and it's really improving my long sets. Each set is something special now and I form a strong connection with my audience.
But, now it's fucking with my short set! I learned the short set, learned the long set and now I have to relearn my short set?
But I think I have it figured out now. I think I need to do shorter jokes when I have a shorter set. Sounds simple and maybe it will be. I'll test it out. In the meanwhile I'm REALLY enjoying doing longer sets.

Watching Porn Backwards

From my CD taping at Luna's

Opened for Norm Macdonald

I was just hoping to get in to see Norm Macdonald as the show had sold out. As I walked in to see about getting a seat (or some standing room in the back even) I noticed Larry "Bubbles" Brown talking with Nick, the assistant manager over at Punch Line Sacramento. Larry says "Make Keith open the show."
I'm thinking 'YEAH! Make me open!'
Nick asks if I'd mind doing five minutes. Would I mind?! No sir, I would not mind one bit. Nick checks it with Daria and mere minutes later I'm walking on stage to open the show. I went over well. I think scoring with five minutes is harder than scoring with twenty for obvious reasons but I was pleased with my set and it seemed that the audience was as well.
I brought Larry up and went to watch from the back where Norm Macdonald congratulated me on a good set. I said, "Thanks. Its an honor to work with you."
"Well, yeah, I don't know about that but you did good."
He laughed a lot and once even heckled during Larry's set. Then he went on stage and turned in the best stand up comedy set I've seen in ages. I knew he'd be good but he was so good. I think its time for another HBO special. Amazing.
The next night I got to do a few minutes with Mike E. Winfield at Punch Line and then to Oakland to do a show with Eric Cash, Greg Edwards and Sean Keane. My friend Samson Koletkar produces the show with Joe Gleckler.
A busy week. Looking forward to a little bit of rest before The Coexist? Comedy Tour kicks back into high gear.

Atheist Church May 3rd, 2009 Blasphemy

I need to get better about putting my youtube clips on this here blog. I've been forgetting as of late. To that end, here is this past Sunday's sermon...

Haters

KLJ is Hella Gay

Last Night I Was a Rock Star

Last night was awesome and let me feel like a rock star. I sold out the venue and then rocked the audience for an hour and fifteen minutes.
Now sure, it was a small audience and it was stacked in my favor as it is my hometown, but it felt great. I had a really good set and am stoked that it is all on tape.

I am going to quickly write about my strategy here. If it succeeds this post will be of interest later. If not, it will be lost on the infinite geography of the internet.

Comedy has genres, just as music does. A Dane Cook fan may not care for Larry the Cable Guy, whose fans might not get Steve Wright whose fans may not dig Kat Williams. I do know individuals who like all four (for the record I like two of 'em) but they're rare exceptions. Each comic has their crowd.

The genres, like in music, can be tough to define sometimes. Blue Collar, Def Jam or Urban, Cafe, Alternative, Club, lots of terms have been thrown about. I could go on all day about these genres, but later...

I went into the open mic scene which is an awesome free for all. I had a blast but then I started getting professional bookings and I realized I would need to cater to a crowd that was drawn by the headliner. A crowd who might be from a totally different world than me. This can be a great thing. You learn what is universally funny, you learn how to take a crowd and show them something that might be new to them and send them away having experienced a new way of thinking.

I fear though, that a comic can also lose his unique voice if he does too much of this kind of performing. I decided that I wanted to build an audience for myself sooner rather than later and so I left the club scene and started my own room in a cafe. Then I started my own tour.

At this point what started as an artistic strategy became a business strategy. This tour brought me back into clubs and was giving me some credential. I have started accepting club bookings again and, again I enjoy working before diverse crowds who may be very different from "my" crowd. I want to skip a stage though. I don't want to claw my way up from opener/emcee gigs to the feature gigs.

So, I booked myself into the Cafe and did a headliner length set and taped it. I will use the video clips and the CD to build my audience, locally but also internationally, via youtube and selling CDs. I've been doing this already and have a head start, but all of my material has been based on my being an atheist, and now I'm ready to go after a much broader demographic (while staying loyal to my original base. I won't be dropping the atheist material.)

My hope is that by popularizing myself performing in a higher position I will establish that this higher position is where I belong and I hope that I will bring MY audience in to the club, wherever that club may be. It's already working a bit. When my Coexist? Comedy Tour went to the LA Improv a kid approached me in the bar and wanted his picture with me. He knew me from youtube.

Television changed the game as did records, cable tv and every other innovation that has come along. Now youtube is the most powerful weapon an upstart has and I plan to use it well. We'll see how it works. Wish me luck.


Just for the record, many disagree with me vehemently about the genres. "A real comic can make ANYONE laugh." I'm told. Some comics feel strongly enough about this they get pissed at my desire to target an audience instead of just going after the audience that is already in the clubs waiting for the next comic superstar to go up in front of them.
I don't see why my view should be controversial. Would it be controversial if I suggested that the experimental noise musician might be unwise to think he will get his start playing the country western bar?