Comedy Gold

I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
(It was a squirt gun.)

Fairytale of New York

Screw You Junior

No, this in not aimed at my good friend Junior, a fine fellow if ever there was one.
But all them other Juniors like:
Hank Williams Jr.- blech!
Natalie Cole- (Nat King's Junior-ette) I have no use for her.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.- Scroll down a few to see what I think of that simp.
Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jacob Dylan- Boooooring, both of them, so boring they don't get their own insult and must share one.

There are exceptions to the rule: Arlo Guthrie is cool, as is Max Brooks and Hank Williams III, but now I have a new Jr. to add to may asshole list.
Tim Conway Jr. is a prick.

It pains me to say it. I loved his dad. I grew up watching the Carol Burnett Show, Tim Conway and Harvey Corman were amazing.
SO, why am I hating on this great funnyman's son? Well, I'll tell you. Inspired by folks like Conway I myself have entered the comedy business and it's been a good year. The tour I produce was booked into one of the top clubs in the country. We decided to promote the gig on radio and we set up some ticket give-aways in addition to our ads.

Let me paraphrase this obnoxious little Junior's giveaway. "Okay, call in and we got tickets to... it's something called (I'm leaving the name of my tour out, out of respect for my tour-mates) Comedy Tour at The (I'm leaving the clubs name out too). Okay, look folks, I don't select the prizes, I just have to give them away."

What the hell? I don't think he knows us or anything about the tour. He just hadn't heard of it yet and he is apparently a spoiled asshole who thinks it's cool to shit on people who throw the advertising budget that they have to work their asses off to have in the first place towards supporting his station and his show. What a dick. Sorry that us hardworking comedians didn't have famous dads to help us skip forward and we instead have to rely on actual talent. I mean really, your dad is Tim Fucking Conway and the best you can do is a crappy late night talk radio show? Enjoy it, I don't foresee you getting any bigger slice of the pie ya prick.

Happy Birthday Bryna

It's my wife's birthday. This is the first time I've been able to say that. :)
She is my center and I am so happy that she is. I love her and I love the life that we have built together.
If you know Bryna today would be a good day to say hello.

Childhood Injuries

1. Nail through cheek after brother dumped me from wheelbarrow, still have scar
2. Sign post shaken loose by me and brothers, them from the bottom, me from the top. Sign came down with me still on it, put permanent scar on chest.
3. Put foot in spokes while riding on back of mom's bicycle, slight scar.
4. Broke thumb punching a kid in high school.
5. Needed tetanus after being bit by another student in 4th grade.
6. Jammed finger intentionally to get out of Volleyball in 11th grade, overdid it, ouch!
7. Shoe print on face from fight with Tommy Butcher. You could literally make out the laces on my cheek.
8. Countless sprained ankles and knocks to the noggin (explains a few things eh?) from skateboarding.
9. Small scar between my eyes where I caught a b.b. from a b.b. gun.
10. Scar on shin after being run over by a golf cart.

I'm Shy

I am. People don't believe it because I'm loud and obnoxious and I go on stage with a fair amount of confidence but I am actually, ridiculously shy. It just manifests itself in strange way or maybe not so strange; I think it's textbook extroverted introvert kind of behavior.

But it gets the best of me sometimes. Like, when I attended my wife's work Christmas party. Mind you my wife works at a place that is like my second home since I was 16, a beautiful local movie theater. A coworker of my wife's approached me and she told me how much she enjoyed my comedy and that she thought I "fucking rocked." It caught me off guard and I had no idea how to respond to the flattery. Before my brain could get in on the act my mouth blurted out in a childlike falsetto. "I have a penis." I then focused all of my attention on my hot apple cider as I wondered what the fall out of this one would be. "Uh...okay." came the response followed by swift departure of the young fan of mine, my wife's coworker.

Oops.

Teahouse Theme for G-Mail

I am obsessed. I discovered themes for my Gmail. I chose Tea House and it is SO cute. The sun moves across my page throughout the day and at the bottom of the page a fox manages his Tea House. He so far has helped a bird with it's bird bath, swept, done his books by candle light, had tea with a monkey friend and worked on his bonsai tree. I love this little fox. I can't wait to see what he does next. IN the picture above I have to wonder what that telescope sees? Is that little creep reading my MAIL?!?!

Screw Kid Rock and Dale Earnhardt Jr. Too

Nothing tans my hide quite like two millionaires encouraging their mostly working class fans to put themselves in harms way in a way that they never did.
War is not like being a rock star or racing a car. It's more like killing people who are trying to kill you, usually over some bullshit that you could really care less about.
Don't join the Army kids. It's stop loss lies and broken promises all the way.

Portland and Seattle

Click picture to enlarge
Just got back from Seattle and Portland.
Some of the most amazing performing experiences of my life.
Seriously.

Awesome crowds, Portland in particular. I can't wait to go back. I had Christians coming up to me after the shows and telling me they loved my set, and a Muslim in Portland made a point of letting me know that he was really Muslim (we'd jokingly accused him of faking it) and that he enjoyed all of us immensely.

The Comedy Underground is really funky and cool and the Bagdad is amazing; a big, gorgeous room that takes your breath away. What a privilege to hit these stage and what a thrill to do so well at them.

That said, there were some awkward moments at two of the three Seattle shows where I had to deal with drunks in the audience. Sorry to anyone who had their show lessened by these selfish folks. It makes me realize how lucky we've been so far to have such nice audience members.

I can't wait to go back to The Pacific Northwest. Thanks everyone.

Coming to Portland

Be A Hero

When I learned in history class about the Holocaust in Nazi Germany or the Native American Holocaust here or about slavery and then about segregation and racism or about the mistreatment of immigrants and women through out history, the thing that scared me the most was that so many people were complicit in such horrible behavior.

I started to look at my classmates and neighbors differently. I wondered who amongst them would go along with hatred and who would be heroic. Of course we'd all like to believe that we'd have been heroic had we been alive in those times but the math is against us. Most people were not heroic and if we did not have the benefit of hindsight we most likely would not have been either.

It feels dangerous to be too confident that I'd have done the right thing. I was tortured by this thought in my teen years. Yeah, I was a teenager, I would've found something to be tortured over but I really wanted some assurance that I wouldn't have been one of the fiends.

Eventually I realized that I had to let go of those ghosts. What mattered was that I look for opportunities to be heroic now or at the very least to not be a bigot, a hater, a fiend. And we have an opportunity now to be heroic. Please, take this opportunity. Be a hero.

Vote NO on 8.

Don't let the gay couples of CA pay for the sad state of marriage in our culture. Go after the divorces if that is your issue.
And if it is a religious issue, please look at the truth of the proposition.
It is not protecting your kids from being taught to be gay.
It is not protecting your church.
All it is doing is stopping gay couples from having the protections under law that straight couples enjoy through marriage. They are still going to be gay. They are still going to be in love. They can still move in right next to you. You can't stop that. but you can stop them from being treated like valued citizens in our great state, even though many of them are fire fighters, police officers or stand up comedians.
If you want them to have their own word for their unions you need to really listen to what you're saying and realize that it sounds an awful lot like "Seperate but Equal." We all know how well that works.

They can vote. They can own property. They can own businesses. What's next? Are these basic rights safe?

And why stop at gays? After all what right do I as an atheist have to be married? It is a contract with God is it not? Historically speaking it is.

This is an important time and it is important the we do the right thing.
So don't be like the sad Americans who fought at one time to keep people of different races from marrying (it wasn't that long ago.) Be a hero instead. This is a simple issue of personal freedoms and equal rights. Don't be fooled into thinking you're protecting marriage or family by denying someone else the opportunities that the rest of us enjoy.

Vote No on 8.

I hope to toast you at the party after this is defeated, because them homos, they really know how to throw a party (but I'll supply the music, I promise.)

Republicans Vote No On 8!

Its The Economy Stupid
Double income gay couples are vital to California's fragile economy. Vote no on 8! Keep the gay consumers (Really, they LOVE to shop) in CA.
(Thanks Dave)

SAVE MARRIAGE!!!
Vote No On 8! Heterosexuals have screwed marriage up so bad, bringing in some new blood is the only way to save it. Let the Homos show us how it's done.
(Thanks James)

Prop 8 is Gay!
(Thanks Jason)

Best Political Endorsement Ever!

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

Science Comedy?

The Coexist? Comedy tour invited Brian Malow to be our guest Jew for the night when we did Stockton last week. He did a great job, very funny.
He told me about his show "Rational Comedy for an Irrational Planet." described as Science Comedy.
Science Comedy? Sounds great to me, but is there an audience for such a thing?

Well I was honored to be Brian's guest at his sold out show last night at Rooster T. Feather and yeah, there was an audience. The audience included a table full of Google employees, a couple of NASA employees and a whole lot of smart people. How'd I know they were smart; they laughed at my geekiest jokes that's how.

What an awesome show and what a privilege to be a part of it. I am working on helping this geeky funny man bring the show to Sacramento. Hopefully soon.
www.sciencecomedian.com/

The Debates

I was lovin' the debates. The part where the older candidate said to the younger candidate, "I eat pieces of poo like you for breakfast."
And then the younger candidate said, "You eat pieces of poo for breakfast!?"
Oh man, that was AWESOME!
Then my wife got home and pointed out that the debates were on a different channel and I was apparently watching Happy Gilmore.

So, I switched over to the actual debates.

BOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGGG!

From Sacramento's "Atheist and Other Free Thinkers"

"Your performance at Freethought Day 2008 was exceptional, a crowd pleaser. Thank you! Next year's event will surely be bigger, better, more outrageous. We hope you will be part of it.

~ Ken Nahigian
Entertainment, Sacramento Freethought Day"

I stand back stage, my head throbbing, dizzy, cold sweats. I've never set foot on stage without feeling a need to go to the bathroom even if I just got back from there which is usually the case. I don't get nauseous but that may be the only symptom of stage fright I'm free of. I get an ache in my bones, a cold panic that feels like a real physical presence behind my eyes. My wrists hurt.

Sometimes, when it's bad enough, my memory shuts off and I do my act in a black out state. I will, afterwards, only be aware of succeeding or failing with the audience but I will have no recall of what I actually said or did onstage. I have to trust that the words that came out of my mouth were those I wrote and rehearsed for this occasion. It is rarely this bad anymore.

I have ulcerative colitis according to the doctors, but it seems to be a hysterical form of the condition as it only flares before performances or other stressful occasions, mostly performances.

If I go onstage at least once a week it stresses me less and less; wait a month and I may as well be going up for the first time.

It doesn't matter the audience. I will stress just as bad before a twenty person crowd at a dive bar as before a 1,000 person audience in a nice theatre. And then once in a while I get no stress in a situation where the patterns of the past tell me I should be a mess. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to these much appreciated and rare bits of relief.

I must REALLY like hearing the laughs and applause to keep going up. I ask myself "Why do you do this?" over and over and the only answer is, "You'll remember why after its done."

An Atheist Symbol

Atheists want a symbol.

Christians have the cross, Muslims the crescent, Jews the star of David, etc. etc. (Sorry to the millions of religions who were reduced to an etc. )

The symbols I've seen proposed for us, frankly, suck. A check mark, a Scarlet Letter style A, a circle with a slash through it. I will admit I kind of liked the Ghostbusters symbol with a halo added above the ghost but I think I have found the ultimate symbol for us atheist.

This bunny having sex with a rooster (often labeled "Where Easter eggs come from.")

Why? Well, mostly because it would be so much fun to watch them try and work it into the Coexist bumper sticker. I've got $20 to the best (or first in case of a tie) photo-shop depicting that Coexist bumper sticker. E-mail me at keithlowelljensen @ gmail dot com with your entries. No attachments please.

Stage Call

Last night I was the host at Curtain Call at City Hall, a weekly comedy show in Davis. I had a great time. The feature, Alex Koll, who I was familiar with as a sketch comedian, is one of the funniest and most unique comics I've seen in some time. He bring a bizarre story telling approach to the stage that I really enjoyed. I look forward to working with him again.
Headliner Bill Santiago has the best qualities of a seasoned pro. The way he used his volume and pauses and posture to keep the audience attention focused intensely through his entire set was inspiring.
I suggest checking both of these guys out and be sure to catch the shows at Curtain Call. I like what they're doing out there and the food was delicious.
My sincere thanks go to Eric Miller for making it happen.

Palin's greatest hits

I have a gig Thursday and so I will miss Sara Palin trying to debate. That is really too bad. I know that NOTHING I say could possibly be as funny as what she will say.







Great decision making here McCain! Real leadership.

Funniest Thing I Ever Said

Over the weekend I said the funniest thing I've ever said.

The problem is, I can't find anyone else who appreciates it. People who don't think I'm funny, don't think this is funny. No surprise there but even people who find me hilarious (yes, there are a few, shut up) do not realize how riotously funny this is.

Ahem....

My five year old nephew Dylan walks in the room.

Dylan: Keith, you smell like poo.

Me: So, you smell like poo that somebody peed on

And there you have it. The funniest thing I ever said, even if nobody else thinks so. My god, I'm crying laughing as I type this.

Fan Art

Thanks to Trillian, a lovely young lady who enjoys eating sugar straight out of the packet, for this wonderful piece of Fan Art based on my banana suit panhandling in "Why Lie? I Need A Drink"
You're the best Trill. Sorry your parents named you after Dr. Who but I'm sure you're going to deal with it just fine.

The RNC on TV at MVP

So, I show up at MVP, the sports bar where I'm performing as part of their Thursday Night comedy show and the Republican National Convention is on. McCain is speachifying. In one corner of the bar sits three Mexicans and a black guy. I notice the Mexicans are groaning every time the TV screen show anyone who isn't white while the black guy is cheering. I have to know, so I ask 'em whats going on and apparently they have a bet going over whether or not there will be at least ten non-white people shown.

This is the best way to watch the RNC. Now these camera men have been instructed to find the minorities and zoom in. You can feel how big of an effort it is. I'm thinking there's a major bonus for every minority they manage to get on screen.

When I noticed the "Look, we got minorities!" shots alternating with close ups of the most inbred, redneck looking good old boys imaginable I figured we must have at least one Democrat who infiltrated the camera crew. They put one cowboy hat wearing, mouth like a train wreck, Hee-Haw fanatic on screen who was SO white I suggested my gamblin' friends take a point off. This guy and the black Republican they zoomed in on before him should've just cancelled each other out.

When they cut to a red head who looked a bit wild for the RNC I proposed half a point on the assumption that she slept with a black guy once, in college.

I don't have real good impulse control and when McCain talked about Russia invading their neighbor just so they could control more of the oil market I yelled from the back of the room "GEE. SOUNDS FAMILIAR!" Luckily it was a pretty liberal crowd and I got my first applause break before I'd even hit the stage. Thanks gang.

The Mexicans lost the bet. They showed exactly ten non-honkies (though I'm convinced that one guy changed hats so that he would look like two black republicans.)

Triple Threat Thursday

Its late, I'm tired, going to bed.
I'll blog about tonights comedy show tomorrow and I'll get video up soon as well.
Thanks to Mike Betancourt for booking me and to Josh Vigil and David Bothom for sharing the stage with me. Great show.

if you went to the show though, you better leave a damn comment

But it IS the same old Republican Party

Before any of you moderate Republicans or independents out there are tempted to believe the hype that McCain represents a NEW Republican party, let me remind you that George Bush 8 years ago was billed as a NEW Republican. Please remember where the bullshit term Compassionate Conservative came from.

The Republican party is STILL the party of Big Oil, Palin more than anyone. Lets look at where her money comes from. If this were a jury she'd be dismissed for conflict of interest. There was a term in early American politics; disinterestedness. It meant, non-invested, non-beholden, free from interests that might sway ones judgment. Why have we lost this word and the values that were associated with it?

As I listened to the RNC last night it struck me that they're really proud to be the party of platitudes. Obama was actually ridiculed for having so many foreign policy advisers. He was also criticized for seeing issues as complex and for considering more than one viewpoint when looking at a conflict.

I'm not registered Democrat and they are no angels. I see some flaws in Obama for sure, I'm an atheist after all, and quite tired of having to vote someone with invisible friends. But I see him as the most exciting candidate to run in quite some time. He talks to us as if we're actually intelligent and can handle complex issues without having 'em dumbed down. Whether he is right in this assumption we'll find out soon.

Don't Do Drugs THE BOOK

We all love cautionary tales of junkie excess; Wonderland Ave, The Kid Stays In The Picture, Blow. The message is presented as "Don't do what I did." but really comes across more like, "Don't do what I did, UNLESS YOU WANT TO HAVE A HELLUVA LOT OF FUN!"
So, I'm working on writing one of my own. Here is how I imagine the marketing:

MARVEL!!! as our hero tries drugs and immediately embarks on a global, rock and roll adventure of epic proportions!!!

DROOL!!! as lusty drug craving super models take our hero to places most of us would be truly willing to die for!!!

SEETH!!! with envy as drug addiction and reckless, suicidal abandon give our hero a life worth reading about on your coffee breaks from your dull, meaningless job.

READ!!! the exciting final chapter where our hero almost sucks dick for crack but stops at the last minute realizing that actually sucking dick for crack might cost him his book deal or at the very least lose him an important demographic!!!

REJOICE!!! as our hero continues sleeping with super model types who flock to his book signings where he, six months sober after a small post advance check relapse, warns us all of the terrible consequences of drug use.

Keep your eyes peeled for Don't Do Drugs THE MOVIE! as soon as the author recovers from his latest relapse enough to sign the release.

I think it'll be a best seller. Now I just need to find some drugs and super models. A little help please?

Wow, Exciting

I'm now booked at some of the most important comedy clubs in the country with a show that I believe has the potential to go really far. I'm super excited. If you know people in LA, Seattle, Mill valley, The Bay Area or even right here in Sacramento, please send them to our shows. Information at www.coexistComedy.com.

Of course I'm still doing my non-atheist themed stand up and I'm booked for a thirty minute set this coming Thursday at MVP Sports Grill here in town. If you're in Sacramento come on down. I'm going to be hanging out for a while afterwards too.

Politics and Poodle Love

Both Obama and McCain have promised a respectable campaign; No smear tactics, ad hominem attacks, etc. Here's how its panning out:

Old: My Opponent is a poodle fucker!

New: My Opponent fucks poodles. I believe he is a good person and he cares about America, but I don't think America needs a poodle fucker. I don't believe that poodle fucking is the direction we want to take our country in.

As you can see its a huge improvement, though I'll miss the old mud slinging politics of yesteryear.

Remember to register and vote for your favorite poodle fucking or non poodle fucking candidate.

Alt Alt Alt Alt

Hello my blogreading friends,
I'd like to announce here that I am now, officially an alternative, alternative comic.
My act will seem just like anyone else's, but in my case it's totally intentional.
And a bit ironic.
Its like post-post modern traditionalist neo-vaudeville.
Enjoy.

Also I'm experimenting with back masking. tell me if the message says anything when you read it backwards okay?

Thanks.

Keith

PS: Steve Martin stole my act.

Bad Language and Tramp Stamps ahead...

So, I usually don't get hostile to my audience no matter what. I've even walked off stage and hugged a heckler before, explaining that I understood his need for attention.

But something about the three little bottle blond tramp stamped 20 year olds who came to the comedy show to sit right up front and then hold their own conversation through everybody's act and show each other the texts they were receiving on their phones just made my blood boil

So, there I am, explaining the wheel of Samsara."So, if you're a bad guy you could come back in the next life as something worse, like a stand up comic in a fucking pizza parlor. (then specifically to the bimbos) seriously, what the fuck was I in my past life to deserve you? Shit, I must have been Hitler! (in voice of god) 'Little hard on the Jews there Adolph. Have fun doing comedy in Sunnyvale.'"

Later I told a joke about animal testing that references lonely lab techs and one of the vapid three laughed. "Oh you like the monkey fucking jokes? Okay, I'm glad I know now. Next time I'm in Sunnyvale it's all monkey fucking all the time, got it."

Wheeeeeee Fun!

What I didn't say was: NO Twenty year old has an excuse to have a tatooed lower back. Unless they were inked up in their pre-teens they got that tattoo AFTER the term Tramp Stamp came into effect. They were familiar with the term. Did they ask for it by name? "Uh, yeah, Snake, can I get 'free blowjobs tattooed on my chin? No wait, never mind, just tramp stamp me instead."

FUCK YOU SUNNYVALE.

UPDATE: Sorry Sunnyvale. I love you. I wasn't actually in Sunnyvale. I don't usually drive to gigs so I never can remember where I am. When I'm offered a gig and there is someone to carpool with (bum a ride off of) I just concentrate on where and when I'm getting picked up and then I magically arrive at some venue with a stage. Yeah, it is pretty pathetic to not even know what town you're cursing. Ah well. Sunnyvale, I owe you one.

John Ross

John Ross has been cracking me up for years. He walks on stage looking very much the dork with his strange musical instrument in hand, a pair of black framed glasses on his face. He continues to be the offbeat dork as he casually wanders through the tragedies and low points of his life. With a matter of fact attitude Ross explores his parent's drug addiction, his mother's death, his own sometimes fragile Faith; The amazing thing about Ross' act is that it never exploits the horror of its often dark subject matter. He takes the life he was given with an almost absurd cheer and mines it for comedic gems hidden amidst the wreckage. The end result is unique, hilarious and oddly touching.

John Ross is taping his first live comedy DVD and you can be a part of it.

October 4th, 2008

7:30 PM ¤ The 24th Street Theater
2791 24th Street
Sacramento, CA 95818
Cost: $15
www.brownpapertickets.com

Visit John at www.JohnRossComedy.com

Sexy, Funny me

I am so sexy.
I am so funny.
No, for real. I know, I know, I had trouble believing it at first, but its true!
Have a peek at my myspace comments section. It's right there, written by a real live girl and a smart and pretty one at that (No, it isn't another of my fake profiles smartass!)

And hey, lucky you, you get to be friends with sexy, funny me. And as my less sexy, less funny friend you totally get my castoffs. It may not sound so great at first, but I'm married (and faithfully so) so my cast offs are to be plentiful. Yeah baby, that's the stuff.

Had an awesome night last night. Stepped outside of my safety zone and went to a mainstream, weeknight room where I wasn't performing within a theme and I did great. I had a good time and so did the audience. It is nice to know that I can still be funny without relying on my atheist material which only made up a tiny fraction of my shtick last night.

Speaking of, HOLY CRAP, look at the shows I have booked on my page. Coexist? is getting some amazing bookings. And there is even a secret booking that I'm not at liberty to discuss yet that is going to be AWESOME.

Okay then, bye bye.

Infidel Guy

I'm excited to be tonight's guest on The Infidel Guy Radio Show.
www.infidelguy.com
Click on the link at 5pm PST and hear me and The Infidel chat about the Coexist? Comedy Tour and lots of other great stuff.

Doctor Demento and Francois Fly

Francois Fly is being interviewed by the legendary Dr. Demento next Saturday and sometime after that you'll be able to see the footage and turn green with envy.

Speaking of turning green, it turns out The Interloper, Alien Warrior Comedian is going to be interviewed after Francois.

More details and photographic evidence of this historic meeting as they become available.

Nicole

Nicole was the first love of my life.
She died a couple weeks back of a drug overdose.
I don't have any profound thoughts on it.

I hadn't been in touch with Nicole in over ten years other than once running into her and her then husband at the supermarket and a couple years back I had coffee with her after her father died.

I was not in touch with her during these last few years of heavy drug use. I don't know of her having such problems earlier in her life, other than drinking more than your average high school student when we were kids. She had a very high tolerance for the booze, which at that age made it seem like less of a problem though it should have alarmed us.

She was sweet, happy and very easy going. In hindsight, she was more than easy going; she was following the path of least resistance, rudderless, whether it led to harm or health. I broke up with her, more than once, as I felt like I was becoming an asshole controlling type since she never stood up to me.

At the funeral they played a photo-montage of her and I found myself getting angry. People were speaking and I felt myself getting angry. Passive suicide makes me furious. To live or not, that is a decision to make, not something to leave to chance. I can understand suicide but I can't understand this.

At the wake there was a video another friend of Nicole's had shot in high school. There she was; flirty, silly, happy but ready to do something, anything, ready for fun, abuse, danger, love, whatever. It was a state she was supposed to outgrow like the rest of us. We were supposed to sit for coffee again and reflect on old times. She was supposed to return my calls or accept my countless invitations to go here or there or just to chat on the phone. Her masters degree and her natural intelligence and how much we all loved her should've pulled her through. But they didn't and she is dead. Fuck.

More Street Art

Click here for lots more...

Yet MORE Atheistic Stand Up...

I did finally get up a couple of new stand up videos. I'm still on the religious beat as The Coexist Comedy Tour continues to be my main gig.

More Goofing On Religion


Goofing on Religion

Transsexual Comedy Ha Has Update

So my friend Paige (see last post) was back at the comedy club this weekend. By several accounts she tore it up. One good set is all it takes, Paige will now be hopelessly addicted to the art form of stand up. Once you get that laugh you just can't live without it.

I missed it as I was home sick, but someone taped and Paige is hoping to get some clips.
I will be there next week with my own camera.

Transsexual Comedy Ha Has

So, my friend Paige decided to try stand up comedy. Paige premiered her act at a mainstream club in front of a bunch of tax agents who'd come together as some sort of work field-trip or something. Paige is a transsexual about four months into transitioning. They were the perfect audience for that, yeah?I think she did great. She has the material, once the confidence and volume rise a bit, watch out Jay Leno!

Asshole :)

So, I heard tell of a drunk asshole leaving The Crest noisily during the premier of my movie, maybe it was two drunk assholes, reports vary.
At any rate the guy working the door of The Crest asked the (or one of the) drunk asshole(s) if said employee could be off service. "Go look up the word bourgeois, faggot!" came the reply.

What a dick. I hate people who just assume that they're brilliant because they know a word like bourgeois and that nobody else would know that word. I picture them at home looking up new words to help them feel elite. Like bourgeois is such a rare word anyway. Sheesh. Oh well, I had a laugh and moved on. Another report came in, around the time that I first heard it might be two guys, that one of the guys yelled "Fuck the Police" as he was leaving. Okay. I really don't mind if people fuck the police as long as all parties involved are consenting adults.

I've now come to find out that one of these assholes was an old friend of mine. I saw him earlier in the evening, drunk as a skunk. He was there with the mother of his children and I guess their relationship had seen better places. My film has the distinction of being the final straw. He hated it, was offended by it, even commented that he felt sorry for anyone who liked it.

This pisses me off. This friend of mine has always been more radical than me politically, but we've gotten along. I let the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade guys that he brought to town crash in my living room. I attended a pro-choice rally in SF with him. He was communist, I'm more of a free market democratic-socialist (aka a liberal) but we respected each other. I'm sad to see he has not grown up.

So, my old drunk friend, here is a fuck you. Fuck you for dismissing my movie and talking shit on me without even sticking around long enough to see where I was going with it. Fuck you for not sticking around and for not giving me the benefit of the doubt. Fuck you for being too drunk to be aware of what I was doing anyway. Fuck you for disrespecting me publicly without ever having the balls to discuss it with me face to face (not that your drunk ass would be qualified to discuss a film you dismissed without even seeing it.)

I know those days of fighting the power via random acts of violence and vandalism were very exciting and romantic. Sorry you got stuck there.

The Granddaddy of atheist comics

Goodbye George Carlin.
I'm only sad because I'll miss seeing his HBO specials and because I wanted to shake his hand one day, but I'm glad for him and the amazing life he got to live. He enjoyed more longevity in his career than any comic I can think of. He became a household name and didn't get killed despite saying what everyone else was afraid to say, and I'm sure that his hero, Mr. Lenny Bruce would have been very proud to have had George carrying on that torch. Gorge Carlin will not be soon forgotten.

Uh, yeah, about that....

Boy howdy I sure suck at updating this blog. I like the blogger.com blogs like this one much better than the clunky old myspace.com blogs which frankly bite big one, but it is those clunky biters of big ones that get the readership and so I end up doing all my blogging over there. Sorry. I will try to better about copy and pasting the stuff on over to here.

For now let me catch you up. I'm married, been to Italy, haven't done any thank you cards or other post wedding stuff, am approaching the final weekend of a four week run at The Geery theatre in Sacramento with The Coexist Comedy Tour and I've been hitting the open mic at Laugh's Unlimited again for the sake of trying out some new material. Yeah.
Okay then, see ya.

Oh, and if you'd like to visit me there, my myspace is www.myspace.com/keithlowelljensen

A Story

Written in a hurry on the day before I am to be wed so it isn't edited and is a jumbled mess, but I like it. Enjoy... Click Here for more fiction

It was April 1st, I thought I was being funny…
I walked into the corner store, where they know me well
I said, "Stick 'em up, this is a hold up!"
And before I could say "April Fools" the red and blue
Lights surrounded the places
Shadows lept every which way
Luckily I found an empty space on a shelf
I lay down in it and pretended I was product
My ruse worked for three days
For three days, I pretended I was made in Taiwan
And all I had to eat were Styrofoam peanuts
packed in with my neighbor The blender
Until, while doing inventory a young employee
Scanned me with the UPC scanner gun
I smiled and my teeth
gave a reading
Apparently, I was on sale

A childless housewife unable to pass up a bargain
Took me to her home, empty, as her husband
Spent all his time on the road getting happy ending massages
In motel rooms
Wishing
He had a conference or sales meeting to attend
She gave me a shower, made me a sandwich
And we made love in the backyard
I said I gotta go now,
she said no,
I own you
I reminded her of the emancipation proclamation
But she claimed it didn't apply to middle aged white guys
How do I pay my debt to you, I pleaded
More love in the back yard?
But apparently I hadn't been as thrilling a lover as I'd thought
She handed me some paper towels and windex
And set me to work on the windows

Her husband came home just then
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, them are my windows,
You're squeezing my paper towels
and his wife, she swooned
Oh baby, I love it when you're jealous
She was pulling his clothes off and making for the backyard

I took the opportunity to sneak out the front door
And put out my thumb
A beautiful young woman picked me up
She said hey baby, you wanna have a little fun
I was still shaken from my failure with the housewife
And I was anxious to get better
I said yeah, that sounds real nice
She said "there'll be a price."
I said "excuse me?", and I realized she was a whore
An old and honorable profession
How much I inquired
Ten dollars a go!
I only intended one time around but at that price
I might go twice
We climbed into the back seat
Oh Baby, Oh Baby, she cried
Ten, Oh Oh, Twenty, Yes Yes, Thirty
I said, hey hey, what's with the counting?
She said honey, I'm counting orgasms
You owe me ten for each one
Oh no, I realized, she counted by HERS NOT MINE!?
It was too late to stop now, so I tried to hurry
And I tried, not to do it too well
But it couldn't be helped and as I finally yelled out
"OH Holy Hell, I'm BROKE!"
She'd gotten over a thousand

I can't pay that I asked, so what do you do?
You callin' some crazy pimp on me?
I don't have a pimp.
I'm a small business owner she boasted
Good I said, A pimp is a dirty awful thing
Now excuse me while I skip out on my bill

I turned to look back and I saw her shedding a tear
She shed another
And I realized there were more powerful things
Than men in furry hats with gold teeth and a limp
"Alright, alright. I said, returning
and I swear them tears ran up her cheek
and jumped back into her eyes
waiting for the next sucker
Park right here I instructed her
I headed into the corner store

I said, "Stick 'em up, this is a hold up!"
And before I could say "I really need the money."
The red and blue lights were back.
I was smarter this time though.
I hid in the grocery aisle
And passed myself of as a box of cornflakes.

Click Here for more fiction

Pass The Torch

My buddy Jason and I were chatting about the Torch going through France. If you missed the news, protesters came out en masse and the torch was extinguished many time and transported by van over several stretches.

I noticed the French tried a pretty sneaky trick. During the most heavily protested parts of the course they used guys in wheel chairs (or they just had the runner sit in a wheel chair when they saw protester. "Merde! There they are. Okay Jaques, back in zee chair.") But the plan failed and the French protesters went right on chuckin’ water bottles and booin’.

I worry that in the American Torch relay the wheel chair trick will work and the protesters will refrain from bum rushing and then the wheel chair bound torch carrier will feel discriminated against and raise lawsuits against the protesters who failed to protest and just for once I’d really like us to NOT look stupid in the eyes of the world. I guess, what I’m really trying to say here is, "Hey, Tibet loving hippies, Go Get Them Crippled Bastards." but I mean it in the most politically correct way imaginable.

And to my friends in the media; there are plenty of really smart people that want to use this opportunity to say China Is Not Nice.
Please refrain from interviewing the frat boy who is there because, ""Dude, I’m totally opposed to China. I was at that Beastie Boys concert and like Tibet is soo rad and China is way lame." and also , please avoid the blogger who says "China is not nice."

Fish In A Barrel, someones gotta shoot ’em

Charlton Heston is dead.
At last, we can pry the gun from his cold dead fingers!!!

OOPS!

We can learn a-lot from the Oreos Cookie folks.
Some guy is working in the factory, its probably late, he gets distracted by sheila, the smokin’ hot forklift driver and so...He Hits a Wrong Button!
The result is Oreos that have the colors reversed: White cookies, chocolate insides.
Does he get fired? No. The big bosses are cool. They just roll with it. "Uh Oh Oreos" hit the market. And they’re great.

The cereal folks understand the concept too. Remember Cap’n Crunch’s "Oops Just Berries"? Good stuff.

So look, let’s quit being dicks okay? Let’s get off George Bush’s ass. Get your American flag out, and just try to enjoy "Oops, we invaded the wrong country!" Really now, life doesn’t have to be so heavy.

Jesus Died For Me?

Fundy on my youtube page: "Jesus Died For You!"

Me: "Yeah. That's kind of a crappy gift aint it? I mean, if you're thinking of getting me something for my birthday, I'd rather have some comic books... a chocolate bar maybe, pretty much anything but that.

No? You're going to die for me. Um, you’re broke aren't you? Look man its cool, um, hey, you could vacuum for me! Yeah, how'd that be? I'd really like that much better. If you go dying for me, what goods it do me? I got a body to explain, they'll be an inquiry, in 2,000 years people'll be talking about it, getting into fights, righting snarky blogs. Wouldn't it be better if the carpets were clean? I mean that's something we can all enjoy."

Imagine if you could go door to door and tell people Jesus vacuumed for them.
Wouldn't that be spectacular?
"He did? He vacuumed for me?"
"Oh yeah, look at your carpet, all vacuumed, see?"
"Oh man, that's fantastic."

And if it got competitive that'd be even better.
"Hi I'm with the Buddhists. Would you mind incredibly if we waxed your car?"
"No, no that's fine. The Muslims are tuning it up right at the moment, but the Hare Krishna's are just finishing up mowing the lawn if you'd like to wait in the yard for a bit. Thanks."

The Devil's Advocate

Satan. I think he gets a bad rap.

If he was so unreasonable in his complaints against the big guy then why did so many other angels join him? It’s not easy to motivate people to revolution.

And, if the boss man was so mighty and powerful why did he make so many concessions when they reached a peace? The treaty of Versailles this was not. Satan got access to humans, his own domain, and apparently control over most of the entertainment industry as well.

Sure, the BOOK says it happened one way, but who wrote the book? Would you study the American Revolution by reading King George’s book?

Chris is pretty

Chris and I were playing the "Who has bigger nostrils" game. It was dark. I won.

Truth

Some smart person said;

"If you’re not liberal when you’re young you have no heart.
If you’re not Conservative when you’re old you have no brain."

In my experience it is more true that:

If you’re not liberal when you’re young you aren’t getting laid much.
If you’re not conservative when you’re old you probably don’t have lots of money.

Human/Stingray relations at an all time low

We’re at war.

Sting Ray kills Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. Despite early conspiracy theories crocodiles are not found to be in league with sting rays or to have had pior knowled of attack.

Angered Australians kills sting rays by the dozens.

A month later, an 81-year-old Florida man was lucky to survive after a stingray landed in his boat and left a foot-long barb in his chest.

Stingrays decry Danish "ray" cartoons as offensive and burn Swedish embassy claiming Danish embassy is too far from the ocean and relatively fireproof..

Then, this:
A US woman on a boat off the Florida Keys has died after a stingray leaped up and struck her in the face.

Judy Kay Zagorski was boating with her family in the Atlantic Ocean when the 75lb (34kg) spotted eagle ray hit her.

The force of the blow knocked the 57-year-old over and her head struck the deck of the vessel, in what officials called a "bizarre incident".

The stingray died in the impact. Mrs Zagorski, of Pigeon, Michigan, was pronounced dead in hospital.

"It’s just as freakish an accident as I have heard," wildlife official Jorge Pino told the Associated Press news agency.

Mr Pino said she did not appear to have been pierced by any of the ray’s barbs.

The incident occurred near the town of Marathon in southern Florida.

All the Eggs

I'm NOT doing the Francois Fly documentary. Not yet. I'm not signing up for any new projects for at least a year.
The movie is done and I'll ride that train wherever it's going, and of course we'll do All Sketch next year, but for now I'm putting all the rest of my eggs in one basket.

Coexist? Comedy has some amazing momentum and enthusiasm going for it and I want to give it the attention it deserves. I have regrets for having not given some past projects the attention they deserve and I know I've driven some of my creative partner's crazy (Jonathan) by being unavailable. Well, I don't want to keep repeating that pattern. So, no new projects. Coexist? and Why Lie, I'm all yours. Let's have some fun.

My Bald Wife

My wife is not bald. I don't have a wife. I won't be able say that for much longer, but for the time being it is true. My friend Jason has a wife. He was lucky; despite his general unattractiveness and the fact that he is dirt poor he got himself a wife with hair. BUT NOT FOR LONG MWA HA HA HA HA
Okay, enough trying to make this clever. Truth is Donna is shavin' the old noggin for charity and her and Jason knew I was too cheap to donate money so they said I could do my part by givin' 'em a link to http://mybaldwife.blogspot.com/
Great. Done, now they can leave me the hell alone.

Redesigned

So yeah, I redesigned my site, and I'll be re-redesigning it, because that's what I do, well, its what I do... now.

God Man teams up with Human Man

Click on to enlarge

Done Done Done almost Done

I've been whining to anyone who would listen about all the craziness that is my life this year. It's SO nice to have most of it done.
All Sketch comedy festival DONE!
Why Lie I Need a Drink premier DONE!
Now I just have to survive this week's Coexist? Comedy show in Berkeley and then I get married in April.

I can recoup in Rome where I honeymoon with my sweetie for 8 days and when I come back I only have a few Coexist? Comedy shows to worry about. I'll probably be depressed about not having a billion things stressing me out and making me crazy.

What next? Well, Coexist? should take more and more of my time and hopefully more happens with the film. I also want to make a mockumentary titled "Buzzed: The Life and Times of Francois Fly!" My amazingly talented and hilarious friends Scott Namanny and Jason Adair have agreed to help me with this one. Hopefully Francois is as cooperative.

Film Premier Tonight

Yeah, here we are. Tonight is the big night. Three years working on this film and tonight it hits the big screen. Why Lie I Need A Drink, more information HERE.

Sacramento All Sketch

We've traveled all over the country performing at Sketch Fests and we've seen the most exciting troupes, some of whom redefined what sketch comedy means to us.

We tested the grounds by bringing a few troupes back with us. Ten West from LA, The Cody Rivers Show from Bellingham, WA and Boomtime from Oakland, CA.

All of them received standing ovations and sold out shows, so, we decided that Sacramento was ready to have a Sketch Festival of it's own. Its next weekend.

TEN amazing troupes from near and far will perform right here in Sacramento, giving you three shows over three days. Be there. Tickets are on sale now at www.AllSketch.com.

Please Sacramento, support this and we will, I promise you, bring MORE amazing comedy to town.

Octolove

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Why Lie I Need A Drink Premier

I DONE MADE ME A MOVIE!

Why Lie, I Need A Drink World Premier
The Crest, March 7th, 8:30 (doors open @ 7:30)

Click Here to Buy Tickets from Tickets.com
Or buy advance from The crest and pay no service fee. Call 44-CREST
Tickets are $2 more if purchased day of.
www.WhyLieINeedADrink.com

We've all heard the urban legend of the panhandler hopping in his nice car and making his way to a comfortable home after a day of begging on the freeway off-ramp. Sacramento comedian Keith Lowell Jensen decided to find out just how hard it really is to make money holding up a cardboard sign. With his sights set on the easy life Jensen spent countless hours employing every gimmick imaginable in an attempt to make his fortune. Can you really make a good living begging? Is anyone doing it? Find out at the world premier of this enlightening, poignant and hilarious new documentary from local film producers Apprehensive Studios.

As featured on Spike TV, CBS Radio, Metafilter.com, Fark.com.

Atheist Tag Lines

Just starting here, but I want to grow myself a list of atheist slogans!

Atheism: You don't have to read any books!
Atheism: All the premarital sex, None of the guilt.
Atheism: We can dig science, even when we're not sick
Atheists: We DON'T think you're going to hell
Atheism: Because self righteousness if more fun when you're right!

More to come...

Bikini Beach (with Monster)

Sacramentonians make movies you know.

My pals (and sometimes collaborators) who put on the notorious Trash Film Orgy have made a feature length film called Monster From Bikini Beach and it makes it's world premier this Friday at The Crest Theatre.

It will be a night to remember I promise. It's really awesome when some ambitious poor folks decide to make a movie despite the fact that they don't have any of the resources one needs to make a movie. Eat It Hollywood! Who needs you?

So come on down and support something that really deserves your support while also enjoying some damn fine entertainment and some extraordinarily good company.

Click Here to visit the TFO website where you can get all the information you need.

(Okay, look, there are tons of really good looking women who dance about in bikinis in this movie and they're all going to be at the theater and will pretend they like you if you pay the $5.50 to get in. Sheesh. Thanks a-lot for making me stoop to that level. No, really, thanks.)