New Years

Happy last day of 2006.
I'm still working on that orgy stoppin' story. Soon, I promise.
In the meanwhile I am readying myself to make the most of the symbolic fresh start that is New Years. I don't often have resolutions, but I'm pretty serious about them this year.

My resolutions:

• Eat better. More vegetables, less sugar.
• Keep my house clean. For real. Got to get better at this one.
• Start producing weekly, or at least monthly, youtube videos. Yeah. Woo Hoo.
• Get my book, the big one, published.
  
• Read more.
  

Wish me luck.

Story Later Today

I gotta do some catching up at work, but I do have a new story in the works about the time I was enlisted to stop the orgy from happening. I'll have it up later today.

My book on Sac Bee's To Do list

The to-do list
By Rachel Leibrock - Bee Staff Writer
Story appeared on 12/26/06 in SCENE section, Page E3

Local comedian-blogger-author Keith Lowell Jensen has self-published a book of short stories, prose and poems.
Sacramento Bee file, 2004/Florence Low

Holy moly: The holidays are winding down, but it's not too late to indulge in local comedian- author-blogger Keith Lowell Jensen's new book, "Oh Holy Day and Other Stories." This self-published tome is a 50-page collection of short stories, prose and poems. Don't pick it up expecting some "It's a Wonderful Life"-style warm-and-fuzzies, however. Jensen's known for his skewed take on reality and an off-kilter, dipped-in-acid sense of humor -- and, frankly, most of the works here are neither holy nor holiday-esque. The $10 book is available locally at the Book Collector, Body Tribe Fitness and the Crest Theatre. For more information: www.myspace.com/keithlowelljensen.

If you'd like to buy my book, use the donate button (in the right column of this page) to send me $12 bucks, which includes a $2 charge for shipping. Thanks, KLJ

Loss

I lost two friends over this weekend.

Vivian, the office manager where I work had struggled with respiratory illness for some time, in and out of the hospital. She had several close calls but always bounced back. She was a tough one.
I will miss listening to her sisters laughing to the point of tears as she told one of her stories. She was an expert on letting them get just to the edge of recovering from a fit of giggles and then plunging them back into laughter with the next line.

I was walking out of the office one day, teasing her as I went about her collection of angels. "Why are all the angels white?" I asked my Latina friend. "Aren't there any Hispanic angels?"

She didn't miss a beat. "Just one." she answered, smiling.

My boss called me Christmas Eve to let me know that Vivian had died. I had weird dreams all night about coming back to work.

When I came in this morning I found out that one of our salesmen Danny Peoples also passed on Saturday.

I wrote a poem about Danny last year around this time. Danny lived through strokes and heart attacks and countless knee surgeries and dialysis and he just would not stop working. I loved talking with Danny. Death is bad, life is good, work hard, be a good person. Danny had it figured out.

Some weekend. Sheesh.

Eddie Izzard Christmas (and Easter to boot)

Here's some Eddie Izzard holiday themed goodness for you, because nothing says Christmas like a funny transvestite.



See more of my favorite comedy videos here.
Buy Eddie Izzard here:
Dress to Kill

Mr. Bean's Christmas

I love Mr. Bean. So many folks I talk to have only seen the terrible movie and so the they don't know, THEY JUST DON'T KNOW. So here is some very funny Bean. Enjoy.


See more of my favorite comedy videos here.
See more Bean Christmas videos here.

Buy Bean Here: Mr. Bean - The Whole Bean (Complete Set)

Sorry about the boobs...

Xuxa, yes, it's a kid's show! ! !
People innocently searching for images of Santa are being forced to look at my boobs.

I have a picture of a topless woman on my porn article. In my archives it ends up on the same page as some Santa mentions, and now, well meaning folks who just want a pic of jolly St. Nick for their Holiday bloggin' are not being able to resist the temptation that is these boobies. My hit counter is lighting up with hits from google image searches for Santa.

The funniest though is the person who searched for "Xuxa porno please". I think its absolutely adorable that this guy (or gal) thought to say please when seeking out pics or video or maybe just graphic descriptions of the most lovely of South American Kid's Show hosts gettin' down and dirty for the cameras. I'm a little ticked that they didn't send me a Thank You after reading my bit about Xuxa. True I don't have any porno of her, but I do carry a couple of cute pics. Regardless, polite googler, wherever you are, You're Welcome!

Another agent lookin' at my book

Well, I applied for another rejection slip yesterday. Not that I'm really that pesimistic. I'm working to keep myself from getting too invested in each agent I submit too. The method here is to start at the top with the big shot agents I have very little chance at getting and work my way down. This agent is higher up the ladder than the last one I submitted to. I sent her my querry letter and I guess it grabbed her interest as she requested to see more within thirty minutes of getting it. So, I sent her my excerpts and the book itself via e-mail.
She's on holiday until after the New Year so my hope is that she got my material on time and is taking it home with her. Wish me luck.

What are these agents like anyway? Are they like agent Smith in The Matrix? Or more like Agent 99 from Get Smart? I would like a combination. A whole gang of Agent 99s that would attack me...WITH KISSES! .... um I'd better go now.

Call Robert Berry for Me

Robert Berry of Retrocrush.com is the devil. See the picture, that's proof. He is the devil.
He promised to hype my book, after making me do naughty things involving caramel corn and an arc welder. But he's being awful slow about making anything happen, and I'm all out of pop corn.
SO, call this number
916-231-9480
It's the hotline # for his podcast. Leave him messages urging him to help old Keith Lowell Jensen to make some money. Tell him I've been eating out of your garbage, pimpin' your Barbies and otherwise behaving badly as only one POOR ass bastard can. Beg him to hype my book so I can quite being so annoyingly poor.
If we're clever and entertaining enough maybe he'll use it on his next uber-popular popcast. If not, well let's at least annoy the hell out of the creep.

UPDATE: It would seem to be working. I'm on the front page of RetroCrush.com. But keep calling. I'm hoping for your calls to be featured in a podcast.

Happy Birthday Bryna

Photoshop fun by my dad.
Today is my sweetheart's birthday.
I love her dearly.
She is enjoying the i-pod that we bought her. Her family and I all chipped in and she was TOTALLY surprised.
I will of course be lonely as I lose her to the i-pod for awhile. But eventually she'll have time for me again, so I wait patiently.
Tonight we go see Jonathan Richman. WOO HOO! ! !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYNA! ! !

Currently Reading /Listening To/ Watching:
I, Jonathan

World War Z

Max Brooks RULES. His Zombie Survival guide was great. Bryna and I, thanks to that book, keep Zombie holocaust foremost in our minds when planning our dream home. World War Z is pretty damn cool too. Here's the review I wrote, appearing in this weeks News and Review.

"If you’re reading this, you must have survived. It may seem too soon to look back at what went wrong and what went right as we all struggled with the terror of the dead refusing to stay dead. But now, as we come to terms with the fact that our lives are forever changed and work to stamp out the last of the undead hordes (be they frozen in the arctic or creeping across the ocean floor), the time is right for examining the past--so as to choose a better future. Max Brooks gives us this opportunity. As the author of the first Zombie Survival Guide, Brooks is uniquely qualified to present the stories of World War Z’s veterans. That he was appointed by the United Nations to do so gave him unprecedented access and the credentials to reach even the most reclusive of survivors. Know this: You’re not alone."

When this book comes out in paperback I'll buy a gross and hide 'em under the gideon bibles at hotels. :)

Currently Reading /Listening To/ Watching:

Yay, I have my book

12/18/06: Hi folks coming over from Retrocrush. To buy the book, click the donate button in the right column. Joe Beggar (that's me) will need $10 + $2 to cover Shipping and you'll get your smut, er, I mean literature. And just because he gave in and hyped my book doesn't mean you can't still be part of my "Annoy Robert" campaign. CLICK HERE to see what I mean.

Yeah. I got my books. See, that's me, with my books. I got 100 of the little suckers. You got none. Let's even things up a bit.

If you live in Sacramento please go buy a copy from The Book Collector on 24th Street between J and K Streets. They're great folks and they do a-lot to support local writers.

You can also pick up a copy at Body Tribe Fitness on 21st Street or at The Crest Theatre on K Street.

You can also get the book by paypaling me $12 (includes $2 shipping). Just hit the donate button on the right to get me the dough.

I was on the radio and I read a piece from the book. To listen to that click here. Runnergirl over at SacRag.com heard the interview, and said nice things. Thanks Runnergirl. Click here to read those nice things.

Hear me on NPR UPDATE

Today, Tuesday, I'll be on KXJZ's show, Insight with Jeffrey Callison promoting my book. For more information click here.
And if you want the book by Christmas buy now. We're getting down to the wire for Christmas delivery. Click here to order.

Merry Stinkin' Christmas

Last year, around this time, I went out panhandling as Santa.

That was some good times there.

I didn't make much money but I gave out some candy canes and I wore my girlfriend's pink sweat pants, so, you know, all was merry and what not.

I figured with Christmas here again and all it'd be fun to revisit.

Check it out by clicking here.
Lots more pictures with several different signs.

Another Couple of Poems

I'm reading Celine again. Bukowski calls him the greatest writer that ever lived. I certainly am enjoying him.

And these two pieces are directly inspired by Death On The Installment Plan.

Click the title to read:
The Mayans
A poem from my trip down to Belize and Guatemala
or
What Should Have Happened
I was thinking that it would be cool to write my life story as it would have been if I'd taken every chance that I've ever passed on.

My dad stumbled across my poetry blog. He called me to tell me that my poems aren't poems. I like that. I write poems that aren't poems. Works for me. Hope you enjoy 'em.

The New Shins Album

Just got an advanced copy. WOO HOOOOOOO! So far so good. I'll post more when I've had multiple listens. I hope the cops don't kick in my door and arrest me for having the album a month before it's released. I've never done this before, but gosh dernit, The Shins have kept us waiting long enough already. I will buy the album once it comes out. No, for real, I'm serious.

Also listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, who remind me of early Brian Eno era Talking Heads, and Arcade Fire who are oh so dramatic but in a mostly really great way.

I'm putting together my end of the year list, since everyone but me did one last year. So far TV On The Radio, Belle and Sebastian and The Coup are all in. Any suggestions as to things I MUST hear before the year ends are so very welcome.

Oh, and you can advance order The Shins new one here.

Thanks for the support

Folks in the last month have been using my amazon links to reach amazon.com before doing some shopping. Thanks. That helps out a-lot and it's most appreciated.

Letter To A Christian Nation

“Thousands of people have written to tell me that I am wrong not to believe in God. The most hostile of these communications have come from Christians. This is ironic, as Christians generally imagine that no faith imparts the virtues of love and forgiveness more effectively than their own. The truth is that many who claim to be transformed by Christ’s love are deeply, even murderously, intolerant of criticism. While we may want to ascribe this to human nature, it is clear that such hatred draws considerable support from the Bible. How do I know this? The most disturbed of my correspondents always cite chapter and verse.”

I finished reading Sam Harris' Letter To A Christian Nation and it's a worthwhile read, but not the great atheist hope that some have billed it as. My biggest problem with Harris is that he embraces a-lot of the same anger and fear that turn me off amongst the religious folks. He reaches out to Christians partialy by addressing the one thing they may have in common with atheists; a fear of Muslims. From here he points out that the obvious irrationality of Islam applies to Christendom as well. An interesting angle, but I think he misses one point as he describes the threat of the fast growing Islamic movement. He says it's not about being poor and undereducated, and cites individuals who were well educated and successful yet still willing to martyr themselves. In my view, individuals will always be present who are willing to subscribe to extreme views, but the more comfortable a populace is the less willing the masses will be to subscribe to beliefs that threaten that comfort. He himself points out the violent history of Christ's followers and the ease with which the Bible has been used to justify this violence and yet we've seen that the majority of Christians have become much less willing to take up arms (even if many are still a bit too willing to let others take up arms in their name and with their money).
I do not fear Islam as much as I fear the haves continuing to screw with and agitate the have nots in a way that has always led to a lack of stability for everyone. Harris sees a threat in the various world religions continuing to war with one another and in the fundamentalist masses supporting a Church/state. I agree that this is a frightening and real prospect, but I still feel very strongly that fighting poverty is the way to fight fundamentalism.

That said, this book makes some very strong arguments and is a great Christmas present for the agnostic or atheist in your life. It'd be a great present for any Christians you know who like to keep their debating skills sharp. When the book comes out in paper back I will buy a gross, and hide copies beneath the Gideon Bible whenever I stay at hotels.

Adventures in LA

After watching Brett deal with the Country Music Television people I was ready for the worst from the Spike TV People. The CMT camera man and the producer kept fighting and they wanted to see Brett's reptiles eating rats and looking mean. If the Lizard Boy could've gotten his tortoise to drive over the black throat monitor in a little monster truck I'm sure they'd have been stoked.

Super Delicious, who are producing Manswers for Spike TV sent a driver to pick us up and he seemed really nice, as did the driver who'd gotten me from the airport (I love getting off the plane and seeing someone holding a sign with my name on it; makes me feel like a big shot.) Their offices were just a few minutes from Wilton Place. We checked in, signed some realeses and then went around the corner for burritos while the Super Delicious crew grabbed their own lunch break. Typical "hurry up and wait" approach to TV production. Outside their studios/offices we found this 10% billboard, and couldn't resist the photo op.

The guest who'd been interviewed before me was still there when we got back. She was a woman whose breasts were each bigger than my whole body, standing in stilt like lucite stripper shoes. She looked really really tired. I got a picture with her, and with her shoes and found her to be sweet and friendly but her husband/pimp was a real tool. He barked orders at her and called her a dummy. Sad.

Then the interview. We went around the corner and did the interview next to some sleeping bags and what not. Apparently we were at a homeless camp of some sort. The interview wasn't like the Mancow interviews, which is what I expected. I actually got to speak and the questions were pretty intelligent. We had to stop a few times as helicopters flew over and guys with big bass boom boom speakers drove by. Then of course there are the guys who just yell when they pass a camera crew. I imagine they then go home and get a high five from a fellow sexually repressed roommate as they proudly exclaim "DUDE! I totally interrupted a television shoot!" Oh well.

After the interview came the real fun. They shot a good twenty minutes of me panhandling. I was not on a good corner. The light stayed green too long and then didn't stay red long at all so I didn't have a captive audience. I hammed it up though. I used the "Atheist, will convert for food or $. God Bless?" sign, at their request and I was even hitting up school kids as they walked by. "Hey, Kid, you got a dollar?" Highlights for me were panhandling a school bus and getting $5 and a hug from a guy who didn't speak. I made $6 and change and then we called it quits.

The people at Super Delicious really impressed me. They were all really friendly and smart and a pleasure to work with. Brett handed out a-lot of Lizard Boy magnets and I'd love to see them do something with him. We're both convinced that Wilton Place would be the ultimate reality show. The guy who drove us home, (Dan?) came up and saw Brett's animals. Maybe he'll go back and tell everyone how cool the place is. Manswers debuts in February and I will be in one of the first few episodes I believe. I'll give more exact information when I get it.

The rest of the weekend was spent doing reptile shows with Brett. We were hit on by drunk housewives, one of whom did a little slither for us, very cute. Another party featured a crew of anorexic women of different ethnicities. Interesting how Black, Mexican, White, Indian all becomes LA Wealthy. Their clothes and lack of nutritional fullfilment united them as a cultural group more than ethnicity ever could. I can't believe Brett get's $200 an hour to show his pets to kids. It's the funnest way to make craploads of money ever. And that's not counting the tips!

Sunday night is BBQ night at Wilton Place. My friend Jeff who moved to LA from Sacramento a few years back came by early and stayed for just a few minutes. Another buddy Jesse showed up a bit later with a couple of his friends who'd also relocated from Sac. Finally my friend Monica came by. She has almost as cool of a gig as Brett. Monica teaches people to cook and she's very successful at it. Her Sweet Pea was wandering around trying to find us and all the drunk Wilton Place BBQers were calling out, "Sweet Pea, SWEET PEA!" to guide him in. Brett's the greatest friend to let me have so many of my friends come by his place. It was way cooler than meeting at a restraraunt. We BBQ'd portabello mushrooms, asparagus, bell peppers and garlic bread, yes, garlic bread. BBQ bread is awesome. I made chocolate chip cookies (in the oven. Not ready to do BBQ cookies yet) and the Swede, watching Brett and I cook decided we are a "cute couple."

At 5:30 am we made our way out to catch my plane home and people were still up laughing in a couple of the apartments. It hurts me to leave Wilton Place. I hope I get to return soon.

Two New Poems

If you love something....
and Random Bad Thought

TV Logic

Hi from Hollywood. I'm sitting on the stairs outside of Bret's apartment. He's inside with a camera crew from Country Music Television and he's pretending that he lives in Sacramento. "Hi, I'm Brett Wilson, the world famous lizard boy, and I'm here in Sacramento California." There's no reason for the lie, the guys from CMT just figured it's always better to be dishonest. I call that TV logic. The more I see of TV being made the more I distrust EVERYTHING I see on the tube. I'm being picked up in about an hour to go do my own shoot for Spike TV. What lies will I tell. Whatever lies they ask me to tell of course.