It was late, past my bedtime at least. I figured one more refresh of Google News wouldn't hurt. The top headline informed me that North Korea had tested their first nuclear weapon. This was huge. I needed to talk to my fiance about this. I ran the short distance from the front of my apartment to the back, but my sweetie was fast asleep with the television on.
Oh well, I'd least I'd have the TV to share this momentus occasion with me. But the local news' lead story featured a talking duck, who seemed to be asking his "mama" for some "cheese". It just sounded like quacking to me, but I'm no linguistics expert. Did they not know what had happened, I wondered. Was it possible my local news station didn't have access to the internet? Maybe they're on dial up. I was giving them the benefit of the doubt as I settled in to wait for them to become aware of the situation. The duck continued asking for cheese.
That's when Lisa came on the screen. She was a very pretty and well spoken woman with a beautiful smile and she was chatting on some kind of party line with a good looking blonde fire fighter and a dark haired sultry looking cop. The men too had wonderful smiles, but it was not tooth paste they were selling. Lisa paused her pleasant conversation to let me know that I could be talking to hundreds of attractive, successful singles, right now. I dialed the numbers on my screen and dug out my credit card.
Before I could find the stimulating conversation I sought I would have to record a greeting. "Hi, my name's Keith, I'm eager to discuss the North Korean missile crisis." I was too shy to do more than wait for someone to reply. I noticed the news anchors had moved on to a local shooting, but they'd check back in with the duck later. I think they were grooming him for a correspondant position. I hoped the duck had a good internet connection.
I was getting no responses, so I perused the outgoing messages. People were looking for all kinds of things, but a stimulating dialogue about North Korea moving ahead after pressure from a united China, Japan and South Korea had them seeming to back down, was not on the list of "kinks" being proposed. I did notice many messages specified a desire not to speak to any "chubbies". Had I inadvertently, somehow given the impression that I was a chubby? I re-recorded my message adding to the end of it, "I'm no chubby, but I'm perfectly happy to talk with any chubbies. I have no preference in regards to weight." Still no reply, not a one.
I considered adding that I had a lot of money, that I was good looking, that I was intelligent in a non intimidating way. It was late, and my credit card limit is none too high. I decided to call it a night. Surely the white house will have responded by the time I wake for work, and my girl and I can discuss it all over our morning coffee, I figured. I wish I had a way to get in touch with that duck.