Saturday, November 5, 2005


This is an article I did years ago for taking a good look at some of the more interesting porno films out there. The majority of the population looks at porn and the porn industry makes more money than the mainstream film and music industries combined. Unfortunately our puritanical values keep it shameful and hidden so it's awfully hard, er, difficult to find out which films are worth looking at. The following flicks are good films to start with. I chose the films because they were interesting. If you're looking for flicks that are hot I'd advise checking out Andrew Blake. I know men and women who love his films. And now, I present to you

KLJ's Guide To Quality Porno

Deep Throat is the King (or Queen?) of all porno flicks. First off the premise is hilarious. Linda Lovelace plays a woman who can't have an orgasm no matter how hard she tries, and lordy, lordy does she try. Luckily a good doctor discovers her G-spot. Unluckily it's deep in her throat. Luckily the doctor has the proper, uh, um, medical equipment to reach it, and we haven't gotten to the weird part yet. Now here's where we get truly bizarre; Deep Throat is a MUSICAL! An action, comedy, porno, MUSICAL. I love this film, especially the Jealous nurse song.

The film is the highest grossing x-rated film of all time (counting only films that saw a theatrical release) and during the 70's going to see this film was hip even amongst Hollywood stars. More weirdness, Lovelace later is born again, and claims her abusive husband forced her to make the movie. She wrote a book about her experience, "Ordeal" which was released only after the publisher had her take a lie detector test! Ordeal the book and Deep Throat the movie would make a fantastic gift set don't ya think?

Probably the first porno most of us knew by name, Debbie Does Dallas features the adorable Bambi Woods as Debbie a high school cheerleader who has earned herself a coveted position on the Texas Cowgirl Cheerleaders. The problem is Debbie can't afford the trip to Dallas. Don't fret little angel, the story has a happy ending. Debbie's current cheerleading squad decides they'll all go and to afford it they'll all provide services for cash, innocent services, you know, helping out in the record store, washing cars. Of course it isn't long before the girls realize the cash is coming in too slow and the kind of services you first thought I meant begin to be offered.

The plot is good for a laugh and Bambi Woods looks great in her cheerleading outfits but in the end this is just a porno flick with lots of unimaginative sex scenes and worst of all lots of allusions to and even simulated depictions of pedophilia. Most of what you'd get out of this one can be gotten by viewing the case the DVD comes in!

Caligula: A 15 Million Dollar Porno starring Malcolm McDowell and Peter O'Toole!!! How the hell did this happen? Well here's the way I heard it. A beautiful period film was in the works about the twisted life of Caesar Caligula who was prone to sleeping with his sister and his horse (one at a time, don't be obscene), who put the wives of the house of lords up in a brothel that they might serve the public more directly, who was very happy to devirginize brides in front of their grooms on their wedding day, and who married one of Rome's most notorious prostitutes. Ahhh the good old days.

The film was huge, with it's big stars and elaborate sets and costumes, and historically accurate to a degree not usually seen in big budget historical porno films. The production not surprisingly ran out of money before being completed. Send in Penthouse Magazine's Bob Guccione to the rescue. Of course he insisted on some creative input. Along with Guccione came a bevy of Penthouse pets, horribly distracting from the lavish sets. It is rumored that Guccione put in most of the hardcore footage after the shooting of the esteemed English actors was completed.

By the time the film was released screenplay author Gore Vidal had asked to have his name removed from the credits. How much of the original intent of the film survives amidst the grunting and thrusting is what makes the viewing of this film truly surreal, and for the most part rather enjoyable.

How often do you find praise from Andy Warhol while perusing the naughty room of the local mom and pop video store? Radley Metzger is an art film director. Unlike many who've started hard core and softened Metzger started soft, earned great critical acclaim and then went further into hard core but maintained his artistic temperament, excellent writing, acting and above all his amazing cinematography.

BUT, I'm discussing strange here and Radley certainly qualifies. Score is an unabashed, throw subtlety to the wind, swinger recruitment film. While the two men gettin' together may upset the less sensitive of you take heart the two woman get along rather well as well and I know you're all thrilled about that.

Watch this and Metzger's other films (He does an adult Eva Peron Story!) with your sweetie. Many films claim to be couple approved but his are amongst the precious few that really do have something for everyone. One exeption to this may be, The Opening of Misty Beethoven, a porn take on Pygmalion that is way more fun than My Fair Lady. I loved it, my girlfriend complained that the movie featured too many blowjob scenes. Her critique will serve as high praise to most readers.

So Super Vixens isn't quite porn. It's an amazing and sexy film none the less. Possibly my favorite Russ Meyer production. I was involved in screening an illegally obtained print of this film and I ended up answering to Russ Meyer himself! Read the whole story here.

This film features the most fun, happy, bouncy sex scenes of all time with the most delightful assortment of women (Blonde, Brunette, Indian, Black, Farmers daughter all with Russ Meyer tademark large breast and magnificent curves) horrificly juxtaposed against the most extreme violence, mostly wrought by Charles Napier's character who chases the story's hero across country as said hero is attacked by every sexy woman that crosses his path and forced into hideous acts of love, poor fella!

Pamela and Tommy Lee's Sex Tape can't truly be considered an amateur tape can it? I took this one to a Lesbian friend's hair salon and watched the flick with her and her gal pals who were patiently waiting for her to give them bad lesbian hair. My gal pal says to me as Pamela's tastin' of Tommy's love, "Keith I aint seen many dicks, but is that one HUGE!" "Either it's huge or her head is friggin' tiny"! Tommy's piece does amaze especially when he honks the horn of his boat with it. He and Pamela seem to be genuinely crazy about each other, at one point pulling their car over on the side of the road for a quickie. It wasn't long before the domestic violence charges let us know there would not be a sequel.

Vince Neil, also of Motley Crue, not to be outdone put out a tape of his own love life. No one noticed. Sorry Vince.

Sex and Zen is a well produced high flying kung fu porn flick! The first time I've ever seen the wires normally used in anti gravity kung fu fight scenes used in sex scenes. Picture this, a brusque male tosses his lady love high in the air, climbs up a chain, and allows her to land on his penis on her way down.

This soft core flick follows a fairy tale story of sex magic. Boy meets girl, boy must have girl, boy must become a man going through many trials and tribulations including having his penis removed and replaced with a horse's penis. The fighting scenes and the sexing scenes are equally well choreographed and Amy Yip is a beauty to behold. You'll definitely be wanting to see more of her. I watched this one with my girlfriend and she loved it. Be warned though watching this with your lover may require you to learn some dangerous new tricks.

When I was a kid Flesh Gordon was legendary yet I some how missed seeing it until my adult years when we looked into screening it at the Trash Film Orgy. I was surprised to find the film isn't actually a porn but rather of a soft core, parody of the sci-fi serials. The film is of course sex obsessed in the silliest and most innocent ways and features many, many boobies, though I've not gotten an exact account. Flesh must save the planet Earth from an evil sex ray that turn Earthlings into sex crazed maniacs causing mass orgies to erupt all over the planet. In a penis shaped space ship Flesh flies off to do battle with Emperor Wang the Perverted. I got a great laugh out of the flick and we would have loved to have screened it at The Crest! Too bad we weren't able to get a good print. Good news for you though, the film is readily available on DVD. Female lead Cindy Hopkins is extremely cute so those of you looking for pornorific qualities may still find this flick to your liking.

The Devil in Miss Jones opens with Miss Jones slitting her writs in the bathtub. OK that's a strange opening for a porno. Miss Jones then heads on down to hell where she is to experience all of the things that might have made life worth living had she tried them before it was to late. Georgina Splevins is a beautiful woman but the film is more strange than good and even the strange is all used up in the first few scenes. After that it's boring sex scene after boring sex scene. One of the only times I've looked at a porno and thought, "I should have just read the book."

The New Wave Hookers series is arty, strange, and hilarious. It's no wonder we find Gregory Dark who produced the series as half of "The Dark Brothers" now working quite successfully in the music video industry. He even did a video for Britney Spears but after he nonchalantly mentioned some of his films Britney and her label quickly disassociated themselves.

The NWH films feature some of the best know actresses, Chasey Lain, Savanna, Madison, Nikki Dial and easily the weirdest scenes and plots ever seen, even within the weird world of porn. Actors with cages over their heads, sex scenes between clowns, sex scenes featuring men in giant duck suits, you get the idea. The Dark Brothers seem to believe porno should be imaginative and fun. Their films took porno into the MTV era with fast editing and pure candy visuals.

NWH Two losers, black hustler, Jamal and punk rocker, Jimmy fall asleep while watching TV and dream, simultaneously that they dress like Devo and run a call girl service using the "hottest new-wave tunes" to turn their "employees" into mindless sex zombies. Did I mention Sushi Scene (nuff said)!

NWH#2 The lost, underwater city of Atlantis is full of women! The men wear flippers on their feet and lamp shades on their heads.

NWH#3 When Frank takes some "friendly" advice from his attorney, he ends up losing his wife to a Prostitute Training Center called the Deep House. Features the notorious Quacking Duck Man Scene!

NWH#4 Midget Santa Clause Sex Scene. YAY!

The term Blue Vanities is used to describe classic porn, especially early stag films and peep show and strip tease reels. As soon as the moving picture camera was invented it was aimed at naked women and soon after at couples en flagrante. Some of the older films are very charming and genuinely sexy featuring more teasing and titillation and less "Hey look this fits in here!" Especially handy (pun not intended but appreciated) if you are throwing a bachelor or bachelorette party and would like to stick with tradition without sacrificing good taste. Warning, even this far back when a male/female couple is on the screen it's usually not very erotic and gets tiresome pretty quickly ending up with a bored looking woman and an unneeded anatomical study. I'd say stick with the strip teases and the bad girl fetish type flicks Betty Page became known for and you'll have a grand old time.

Telemundo? Porn? Well when you're a wee young lad and your parents use the V-chip to block even Mtv what to do, what to do. Those urges are stirring and visual stimulation is a must. Mom hasn't been leaving the women's magazines out with the sexy underwear ads. Luckily few parents think to block the Spanish language channel and happily the Spanish language channels put sex in every show from The News to sitcoms to the market report. Think I'm exaggerating. Let's look at Xuxa. Kid's show hostesses did not look like this when I was a young-un sufferin' through Mr. Rogers. Romper Room takes on a whole new meaning! Xuxa wears hot pants, go-go boots, mid drifts and that's when she's feeling modest. She frequently breaks into can can dancing with a line of similarly clad lovelies, but I only have eyes for her.

There's a widely circulated rumor that Xuxa did a true porn flick. Don't believe it. She has posed for some more adult type model shoots but doesn't seem to have done any nudes. Actually the only differences between the adult photos and what you'll see on the kids show is that on the telly she's smilin' more which I find right sexy. UPDATE 11/29/06: Well, she WAS in an adult film, but body doubles were used for the sex scenes of the film's main actresses. More information at Wikipedia, Click Here.

Archie comics and better yet Betty and Veronica could always be counted on to help youngsters develop fetishes. My grandpa used to supply me with these comics and then, after I turned 18 he started passing his playboy magazines onto me. He understood. The message to parents on the Archie Comics official page nearly killed me considerin' what these comics have come to mean to me. Personally I prefer Veronica, but then I've always sided with the bad girls. Ya know, on second though, maybe I do like Betty more. The innocence thing is just a front, I'm sure of it. Thank god I don't have to actually decide.

Before the hate mail rolls in, let me admit this is not a definitive list. My most glaring admission would have to be Behind the Green Door, but I have not seen it yet. Green Door was produced by the Mitchell Brothers. Rated X is a great film with Emelio Estevez and Charlie Sheen as The Mitchells. Boogie Nights is another great fiction film about the wild world of 70's porn. Porn Star- The Legend of Ron Jeremy is a good, if not particularly deep documentary on one of porns most well known and confusing stars.

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