Homophobia means "afraid of homosexuality". I've heard it said that everybody is homophobic to some degree, even homosexuals themselves.If everyone is that afraid, we ought to use this in horror movies! Freddy versus Jason could have been When Freddy Met Jason. Given Freddy's perpensity for wearing sweaters and Jasons obsessively close relationship with his mother it's a believable premise.
And a bit of homo-eroticizing might breathe life into some classic horror films as well. "Frankenstein rips off the door to the castle, storms through the castle gate, goes straight (or should we say 'directly') to your house, knocks on the door with such force, WHAMMO, the door is gone, enters the living room, you're pinned to the couch in terror, and he says….. “Me like what you done with curtains…….Hmmm, what the?!? ROAR!!! Couch no go with carpet…..COUCH MUST GO!!!” You stand by, frozen in terror as Frankenstein or Franco as he’s known at the club, violently redecorates the house, pausing only briefly for mineral water and croissants.
Hopefully the movie will go no further than this. I don’t want to see the gay porn Frankenstein. I mean we don’t know whose organ the doc gave him, but judging by the hands, feet, and head, the doctor had an obsession with size. No wonder the bride of Frankenstein looked all freaked out.
Being afraid of the unknown is acceptable, but why does homosexuality inspire such anger and hate. I don’t know what people have against homosexuals. If you ask them they’ll likely say that it goes against nature. Ah yes nature. You know, you might want to take the “Pave the Rainforest” bumper sticker off your truck, before you go claiming to be such a nature lover. I mean come on, when did you ever see one of these good old boys beat the bartender’s ass because their beef jerky wasn’t cruelty free and organic?
There is, however, some evidence that we are indeed a country of nature loving men. You'll notice every Playboy magazine centerfold in history, on the Playmate profile page, where they tell us what we want to hear, features this one…”Turn-ons include sincere men, moonlit walks, and nature.” So either us red-blooded American males love nature, or we just love girls with great big fake tits who love nature.
I look at it this way. If a woman with bags of silicone surgically implanted under her skin can sit in front of a fake waterfall with tons of hairspray, make up, fake fingernails, and the temperature turned way down so her nipples perk up simulating arousal, can love nature, than I figure any person who likes to do what we’ve all witnessed our own pets doing, can be as natural as they damn well please. You macho men out there know what I'm talking about. You can name your dog Butch, clip his ears, dress him in a spiked leather collar; he still wants to get it on with Rex the poodle, he still wants to hump your leg. In fact, it kind of changes the context of the nickname, the short hairdo and the collar there doesn’t it sport.
The other thing that scares people about homosexuals is that everyone always worries that the homo will be attracted to them. Well friends I’ve done some research. I went down to the grown up book store, and I looked through the alternative lifestyle section to see what these homos really like, and I’ll tell you they had books for every taste imaginable. Books full of fat hairy men, books full of young buff men, books full of skinny feminine men and books full of big masculine woman, but I’m happy to reassure you, all you homophobes can relax. There was not one single book about slack jawed, pot-bellied illiterates whose career involves a nametag and a paper hat. I'm also happy to report, you don't have to be a card carrying lesbian to pick up a copy of 'Lipstick Lesbos'. I just told the counter girl it was for my lesbian sister (Tee hee, I don't have a sister).
Finally we come to the best reason for hating anyone... religion. Now, living in California I’ve seen gay priests and preachers. They take as many liberties with The Bible as any other preacher, using quotes like, “lo, it was Christ himself who said to thou art to turn the other cheek" "Let all men be as fishers of men. I’m fishing for men", "If god had put Steve in that garden instead of Eve, we may have never left. We’d have done some gardening though, I’ll tell you that.” The worst is a gay preacher at the singles bar after one too many, “Taste of my body?”
Whatever the big J may think of sodomy he didn't have much to say about it. He did have a few words for those who'd throw stones at a hooker. Yeah, yeah, I know, you weren't throwing anything at hookers you were just beating up fags. Sorry. I get so confused.
My favorite are the alcoholic beverage folks. You go into a gay bar (it was research, I swear) and you'll see Coors, Budweiser and Marlboro neon signs with bright, proud, rainbow flags everywhere. Isn't it a little too easy to be pro-gay in a gay bar? I'm Sure even David Duke is pro-Black and pro-Latino when he's walkin' through East L.A. or Oakland, but it's what he does at home that counts. When Coors puts the rainbow flag on the cans that they ship to Texas, or when the Marlboro Man starts behaving in a manner befitting such a cute cowboy outfit and well trimmed mustache, then I'll believe these companies are pro-gay. Of course selling your cancer causing product to gay folk is a strange way to be pro-gay, but these are interesting times we're living in.
If you’re dead set on hating homosexuals I won’t try to stop you, but please hate them for a good reason. Hate them for dressing better than you. Hate them for their atrocious taste in music, (ITS RAINING MEN, HALLELUJAH ITS RAINING MEN, AMEN…FREEDOM (bass=boom boom boom). Hate ‘em for getting more sex than you, hate ‘em cause they don’t have to choose between getting some or going fishing. They can get some while fishing. Hate ‘em cuz they get to watch lesbians making out all the time, and they don’t even appreciate it.
Hate ‘em cuz they’re so damn cute!
4 comments:
I must disagree with you. This was meant as a comedy piece of course, but I would argue that a-lot of people have problems with homosexuality.
Sure, murdering gays may be rare, but that doesn't mean that there isn't lots of discrimination, gay bashing, etc.
And beyond these crimes, there's people voting against gay marriage, gay rights, etc. There's unqualified pundits like Fallwell blaming gays for all of our problems including 9-11, and the response to his hatred? He apologizes, that's it. The major networks still put him on.
The reverend Phelps and his God Hates Fags may be an extreme example, but they don't evoke the reaction the KKK does.
Mostly though, I must just ask, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I hear it and see it everywhere I go. People expressing their anger and hatred toward homosexuals, father's disowning their gay sons, church's shaming gays. It seems to be the sin the church is most concerned with.
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to your reply, but I'm afraid that I lost interest in waiting for it after a week or so and just now remembered to check back.
Anyway, let me address some of your comments.
"Sure, murdering gays may be rare, but that doesn't mean that there isn't lots of discrimination, gay bashing, etc."
I can't comment on discrimination because it's not my field, but I can say with confidence that the gay bashing you refer to is largely a myth. Like I said, tha vast majority of violent crimes against gays are gay-on-gay crimes, largely domestic disputes. (Which is a problem for everyone, no matter who you want to sleep with.)
Over the past decade many law enforcement agencies have enacted steps to collect data on motivations behind violent crimes, mainly to see if a criminal act should fall under "hate crimes" or not. Statistics are skewed because the database requires the cops to mark a crime as an anti-gay act if one of the victims is a homosexual.
Proof can be found at this website, where it is stated "Anti-gay and lesbian incidents increased 8 percent from 1999 to 2000. Serious injuries resulting from these incidents decreased by forty-one percent."
More attacks and less damage? That is counterintuitive.
"unqualified pundits like Fallwell blaming gays for all of our problems including 9-11, and the response to his hatred? He apologizes, that's it. The major networks still put him on."
I don't like Falwell. Never did. But what is your solution when he excercises his right to free speech?
A few sentences prior to the last quote you were complaining about how gays aren't getting their fair share of rights. You want to take a right away from someone else? Because that's the only way you're going to get people like him to shut up.
"Mostly though, I must just ask, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I hear it and see it everywhere I go. People expressing their anger and hatred toward homosexuals, father's disowning their gay sons, church's shaming gays."
I don't want to offend a soul and I want everyone to like me. (Really! This isn't sarcasm.) But I'm talking about real world life-and-limb stuff while you're talking about people getting their feelings hurt.
But you're dodging the question. I see by your writings that you are a reasonably athletic type, what with all of this skating you do. If gays are at risk then you must have studied several martial arts by now, right? Black belt a couple of times over? You carry pepper spray and an expanding baton with you wherever you go?
Because if you haven't taken steps for protection then you're lying, either to me or to yourself.
James
Sorry it took so long to respond.
I can question the networks putting Falwell on without censoring Fallwell. I am criticizing the networks, as a consumer of their product, for putting the idiot on. I will gladly fight for his right to say stupid things, but I will question my support for networks and papers that carry his ramblings, presenting him as any kind of qualified pundit.
As for the assertions that gay bashing is a myth, it's easy to find counter arguments and there are police records in cities that will file anti-gay violence as a hate crime. Not all cities will as there is a can of worms to be opened by allowoing homosexuals the classification of "minority" or of recognizing their existence officially.
I am not gay. I think you got the idea that I was. I have had anti-gay violence aimed at me though for dressing like a fop or for living in lavendar heights or for just being a bit queeny. I am reasonably adept at defending myslef and an expert at avoiding or getting out of bad situations.
I don't think we should trivialize discrimination as "hurt feelings." The suicide rate among gay teens in this country is higher than among any other group. Hurt feelings indeed.
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