I don't know why people overshare personal shit on their blogs. I don't know why I'm about to do it either.
I had a major breakdown yesterday, with the sobbing and what not
Bryna was pissed at my not being there, being distracted, not talking to her beyond single sylables, etc. for the past, oh, I don't know, months maybe, weeks at least. I talked to her and I tried to expain where I'm at, and it wasn't that great as far as working things out. Finally it was time to move on, we agreed to talk more next week. I wanted to make sure that she knew that I loved her, that my not being there was not because I didn't care or want to be there, and much to my surprise I just totally fell apart.
I'm totally overwhelmed with finishing the film, getting our live show ready, keeping up on my homework and maintaining a relationship. So how do I deal with all this? I started ANOTHER project (the TrulyAwful site.)
Bryna who started out pissed at me for being "not there" helped me organize my tasks and fill out the callendar and get a bit less panicky.
This pursuit of artistic success thing is a total obsession and the thought of letting go even part of the drive to "make it" is horrifying. I have staked my self esteem on this, I've staked my future on this and I'm unwilling or unable (or both) to change direction. It just really hit me HOW emotionally invested I am and how much it hurts when I feel failure or even just lack of success. And it hit me that when I get overwhelmed I hide from things, including my sweetheart.
I only submitted my book to three places, but I've been convinced since I was little that I'm supposed to be super gifted at this shit and that these fuckers were supposed to read the book and then start fighting over who got to publish it. It's hard for me to handle that not happening. And why am I so convinced of this immense talent? When I was tiny the adults around me assured me that I was brilliant, they reinforced this at every turn; Parents, teachers, the many psychiatrist who all took at crack at me. And I believed 'em.
So it drives me crazy to have put as much writing out there as I have, as much stand up as I have, as much sketch as I have and to still be doing a meaningless job for eight hours every day so that I can barely squeek by.
Yeah. I don't know the point of putting something like this up here. Maybe I'm just looking for a pity party, or maybe just sharing because I'm sure you all have shit like this in your lives too. But whatever it is, it's done. Hope you enjoyed. I'll try to write something funny tommorrow.
I have the best girlfriend in the world.