Monday, April 9, 2007

Pitty Party, and you're invited

I don't know why people overshare personal shit on their blogs. I don't know why I'm about to do it either.

I had a major breakdown yesterday, with the sobbing and what not

Bryna was pissed at my not being there, being distracted, not talking to her beyond single sylables, etc. for the past, oh, I don't know, months maybe, weeks at least. I talked to her and I tried to expain where I'm at, and it wasn't that great as far as working things out. Finally it was time to move on, we agreed to talk more next week. I wanted to make sure that she knew that I loved her, that my not being there was not because I didn't care or want to be there, and much to my surprise I just totally fell apart.

I'm totally overwhelmed with finishing the film, getting our live show ready, keeping up on my homework and maintaining a relationship. So how do I deal with all this? I started ANOTHER project (the TrulyAwful site.)

Bryna who started out pissed at me for being "not there" helped me organize my tasks and fill out the callendar and get a bit less panicky.

This pursuit of artistic success thing is a total obsession and the thought of letting go even part of the drive to "make it" is horrifying. I have staked my self esteem on this, I've staked my future on this and I'm unwilling or unable (or both) to change direction. It just really hit me HOW emotionally invested I am and how much it hurts when I feel failure or even just lack of success. And it hit me that when I get overwhelmed I hide from things, including my sweetheart.

I only submitted my book to three places, but I've been convinced since I was little that I'm supposed to be super gifted at this shit and that these fuckers were supposed to read the book and then start fighting over who got to publish it. It's hard for me to handle that not happening. And why am I so convinced of this immense talent? When I was tiny the adults around me assured me that I was brilliant, they reinforced this at every turn; Parents, teachers, the many psychiatrist who all took at crack at me. And I believed 'em.

So it drives me crazy to have put as much writing out there as I have, as much stand up as I have, as much sketch as I have and to still be doing a meaningless job for eight hours every day so that I can barely squeek by.

Yeah. I don't know the point of putting something like this up here. Maybe I'm just looking for a pity party, or maybe just sharing because I'm sure you all have shit like this in your lives too. But whatever it is, it's done. Hope you enjoyed. I'll try to write something funny tommorrow.

I have the best girlfriend in the world.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Darlin Keith-I think most of us have been there or are there and thank you for sharing your pity party with all of us.
Honestly Keith, when I look back, close my eyes and think of you ...it is not your 8 hour a day boring job that even pops in my head. A faded orange vintage shirt is one visual But the real gift you have brought to me and many other sacramentians is HUMOR...Yes you did it!and are still doing it and will continue to shed your sick, raw, sparkling humor onto all of us. Unfortunatly we all have to pay rent so either keep your 8 hour a day job or start charging more at your shows! Have you ever thought of organizing improv/comdey or creative writing classes and making money teaching about what you love and are good at? As a parent, I am always searching for a unique class for my son and it is fucking hard to find. If you do it I will be your first paying customer ! XoXO
cc

Adellamorio said...

I have no idea what you're talking about, but I guessing Xanax will help. And if that doesn't work try Lipator, or Flonaze, or Factrel, or Obezine, or gleemonex. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it's not your fault dude, it's your chemestry. I'm sure once you're on Ultracet, or Xeloda, or Zantril you'll FEEL better without really haveing to BE better. And what could be better than that?

Anonymous said...

Keith - after reading your blog breakdown right away I felt bad about not going to more of your shows. I mean it man we need to all support each other (us being artists) but-this town is funny my friend don't blame yourself too much.
We (the goddess and I) have been having so many charitable shows and helping so many artists for the past 4 years that we decided to calm that down some this year. The hard part is we never get reviewed and when they mention the arts or the bike kitchen in Oak Park they never mention us by name ever. Oh well not getting too mad or too sad about it we helped start and still volunteer here at the sacbikekitchen for reasons I can't explain but here it goes anyway
Let me tell you Keith after some rather poor kids came to us with a broken bike. The kid was sad that he couldn't ride with his friends and was out of funds. . We fixed the kids bike for free and the smile on that kids face as he was rolling down the street with his friends was enough reward for me. Now sure I would love to sell more art or have the newspapers write something about the brickhouse but my reward is to help fix bikes and for now I'm cool with it. You give people a good feeling too Keith with your stories and humor, etc. and as people ride away on their bikes after your next show remember !
You are good people and one funny son of a bitch
WE Thank you for that- it helps
I mean it!

Rafael said...

Just be glad you're not the man I saw today at the gas station. He spent $630 on lottery tickets and didn't win a single thing; I bet he doesn't have a girlfriend either.