Why Lie, Almost Done

Our feature length documentary "Why Lie, I Need A Drink; Exploring the myth of the affluent panhandler" is SOOOO close to done.

Below are some clips. We're looking for soundtrack music now, If you're in a band or know a band or musician who has or want to write a song about panhandling we may use it. Contact me via myspace for details. At the very least, I can promise that every song about panhandling contributed will be featured on the website:
WhyLieINeedADrink.com
The MySpace page for the film is myspace.com/beggingonline
Thanks.

Why Mommy is A Democrat

New Post at TrulyAwfulStuff.com;

Click images to enlarge
O'Reilly's kids book was pretty hilarious. Of course, it's just as awful and riotously funny when the other side decides to brainwash their young uns. And with this fine example they seem to be going for the very young uns.

To read the rest of my exploration of the literary masterpiece that is "Why Mommy is a Democrat" Click Here.

Holy Crap, Another Blog!

Yes, I have ANOTHER Blog.
But this one is sponsored.
SeaMonkeyGeek.blogspot.com is my new blog and it's sponsored by www.Sea-Monkey.com, meaning they are sending me all kinds of Sea Monkey goodies and feeding my Sea Monkey habit.
It's like Ron Jeremy getting sponsored by Pfizer or something.
Stoked. Looking forward to tons of free stuff.

Not Actually In The Bible

A recent report indicates that Americans are some of the most religious people on the planet but score horribly on biblical knowledge. I'd like to help.
Over the years many things have been rumored to be in the Bible that actually are not. Let's explore a few of these here..

The Golden Rule; Do unto other as you would have done unto you.
This one IS in there, but it's worded differently. This more commonly known wording is, as far as I can tell, from a 1963 book on B&D, S&M ettiquette titled "Safewords and Hanky Codes made simple."

Here's a really surprising one. Contrary to popular belief, neither "Vote Republican" nor "Bush, Cheny in 2004" are found in the bible, except where they've been added which is frequently the case.

God made the dirt, so the dirt can't hurt. Amazingly enough, this gem which led to much eating of dirt in my child hood is not scripture. It seems that in fact many of Gods creations, not excluding humans, are quite capable of inflicting hurt as is God himself. (A wink to Jones, fellow dirt eater.)

Mythical Creatures. The unicorn IS actually in the Bible, Leprachans, Tela-Tubbies, funny republicans, intelligent and/or productive internet debate, natural disaster proof trailer parks, a cure for warts or dinosaurs however are not.

Spare the Twinkie, spoil the child; not in there. Not that my mom ever fell for that one anyway.

Kill everyone that believes differently than you. Not in there. Sorry. No, please, calm down, there's no need to get violent. Okay, okay it's in. I'm writing it in right now, please, have a seat.

I guess I'd better leave off there, for now.

Wotta Weekend

Becca as The Optimistic Banana
I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.

Having The Cody Rivers Show here was amazing. Their performance this weekend, like their performance the first time I saw them, was inspiring and mind-blowing. The thing is it's also frustrating. I feel like we have the potential to do the kind of work that they're doing if we made the time for it. But my time is divided between making a film, writing, going to school, and playing the producer/promoter role that allows me to bring folks like The Cody Rivers Show and Brent Weinbach to town to begin with. I admire their discipline. And I am wanting to be as disciplined.

Obviously with the film so close to finished I need to put my energy there for now which is great. I really believe in the film. When its in the can I think I want to do either some solo work that falls somewhere between stand up and sketch or a smaller sketch project. A project that will involve only a few people who are willing to rehearse four to five times a week and really up the level of professionalism.

Another emotion going through my head is a bit of sadness at seeing the guys head back to Washington. The two performers, Mike and Andrew along with Andrew's brother Casey who did tech for them are all so smart, so sweet and I feel like we all just really clicked. They stayed at Becca's (one of our troupe members) place while they were in town and I just couldn't spend enough time there, joking, talking about comedy and being really silly. I really hope to get to Washington soon, and since my cousins in Seattle are expecting a kid soon I have a great reason to go.

In the midst of this muddy swamp of emotions is also pride. I'm really proud of my troupe's performance. It was all new material, and if we were taking it on the road it would be refined, polished and some skits would be cut etc, but I felt we made a good strong showing and the musical number came off GREAT, even though I was rendered COMPLETELY BLIND by the TV I had on my head while trying to dance with Sid.
And I'm proud that I bring acts like Brent Weinbach, The Cody Rivers Show and more to Sacramento. It makes me feel like I'm an important part of this community when I'm bringing cool stuff like this to town.

For any of you who missed it, HOLY CRAP! You missed one of the best shows I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of. Big thank yous to all of you did make it. Mwah!

My Atheist Stand-Up Videos

These are getting some great feedback on youtube. Hope nobody minds if I repost 'em here. I'll try to get some new comedy videos up soon. Thanks.


You can tell I'm nervous here as I curse more than I should, a sure give away. I was nervous because I hadn't done stand up in a while having been distracted by performing sketch (www.notcomedy.com) and I was getting my sea legs back. But it's still a good clip. Enjoy.


So here's more from the same weekend of shows at The Geery. I was performing with Tapan Trivedi and Brent Weinbach.

I Can't Recall

I stand accused of perusing Google news stories about Alberto Gonzales and blogging about said stories while I was being paid by my employer to do other tasks that didn't involve the internet in any way whatsoever.

Was I in fact behaving in this fashion?
I don't recall.

Was I reminded of the last great Republican administration's greatest scandal, starring Ollie North, The Gipper and a bunch of South American terrorists?
I don't recall.

Sorry. Really. My memory just doesn't seem to be performing right today. Did I maybe get really high before being presented with this inquiry?
I can't recall.

Well, it is a fact that Alberto Gonzales said that the attorneys were fired justly after poor performance and then turned around and admitted he really had no specific complaints to note and had performed no evaluation of these attorneys. Do I have any opinion on this?
I Can't Recall!

Um, I'm asking for a current opinion, not a recollection. Do I have an opinion?
I can't recall.

Was this a trial or was Alberto Gonzales looking for a sponsorship from some memory supplement? Now with Gingko Biloba!!!

I CAN'T RECALL! ! ! And this, this American understands with empathy and compassion. If there's one think we American's are lacking it's a decent memory.

Floppy Dog to Mini Mullet

I don't care what anyone says, this do, which I dubbed the floppy dog is the best hair cut ever on man or beast.


But alas, I'm sorry to say I was a wussy and only wore it for four days before going to The Amazin' Mason and getting this do:


It's more of a mullet than the photo would have you think.

Mason is rad and he just got his own Salon on Franklin. He cuts girl hair, boy hair, black hair, white hair, does eyelashes and plays good music while he cuts. He's never killed a man without good reason.

Visit his myspace and check out his blog for details. www.myspace.com/amazinmason

Steve Martin, Plagiarist?

Ladies and Gentleman, Steve Martin stole my act.
It's true.

When I precocious young kid, barely out of the toddler stage, I went to Disneyland and there I witnessed a tragic young man engrossed in a pathetic attempt at making the funny.

I coached the sad young fella on how to be humorous and that my friends is when he did it, Steve Martin stole my entire act, the white suit, the baloons, the arrow through the head, even the banjo playing. Now, a few decades later he's getting rich making really bad movies and I'm still struggling to make a new start.
Now I want you Steve Martin fans to know that although I'm mad at Steve for stealing my material when I was but a mere boy incapable of defending myself, I do love his comedy dearly. Of course I do, since it's really mine. So you see, in that sense I too am a Steve Martin Fan, though I hate his stinking guts.

Now Steve's never going to admit to our little meeting. The only witnesses were my friend Cindy (the Jehova's Witness) and the girl working at the corn dog stand. Steve was sleeping with the corn dog girl, (and eating at her stand for free I should mention), and promised to sleep with Cindy when she came of age if she'd keep her mouth shut about his lifting of my gags. I have then no proof. I have only the knowledge that Steve will burn in hell for his crime. Of course as an atheist I don't believe in hell, but I'll convert if that's what it takes to show that funny man a little justice. Know any good religions with particularly nasty versions of hell and laxed attitudes towards custard?

I've been quiet about this for too long. I'm ready to fight! I will show this Steve Martin for the evil corn dog eating, comedy steeling, corn dog vendor and jehova's witness just turned 18 threesome having scoundrel (sorry for the bad language) that he is.

Maybe Mormonism, I hear they have a pretty good health plan. Or maybe I'll convert to the Hare Krishna faith. Can I arrange to have Steve reincarnated as Gilbert Godfried?
So, my parents were wheeling me around in one of those hard plastic Disneyland strollers with the Mickey head molded in the front. They may be cute but let me tell you they're nowheresville on the comfort map. I had on my little white suit, my arrow through the head. I'd bored of making hilarious balloon sculptures for my playmates (the Freud with a corndog is still one of my finest) and so I pulled out my banjo picked a few tunes and when a crowd gathered I told a joke or two.

This pathetic guy was there trying to sell guide books using some tired old jokes and shaking a tamberine. He witnessed all the hub-bub around my stroller and, coming in to get a closer look he realized I was everything he'd been looking to become. I combined the finest of vaudeville with modern sensibilities and a so unhip as to be hip anti-hipness that made the post-hip crowd love me. Above all I was innocent. That's what they loved the most; my feigned innocence combined with the seemingly accidental wit of a Wiseman.

Well that bastard's career has been nonstop ever since. He cornered me and Cindy while we waited for her Jehova's Witness parents who were engaged in a vain for sugar free beverages in the magic kingdom. Steve bougt us a couple of corndogs and I showed him my shtick.

From happy feet to balloon art. He took notes and kept saying, "Yes, Yes, Yes!" and then kissing the corn dog lady; Big sloppy kisses like the world would witness years later in Prince's Purple Rain (By the way Prince stole that script from cousin Paul, though Paul's version was about an airline stewardess who ran for congress and it featured more folk music. Believe it or not, it's up to you. I don't care.)
Steve is one of my biggest influences meaning I too want to steal all my material from a toddler.

Now I tried to fight back, but Steve sent his boys to rough me up. They beat me for hours with rubber chickens to a soundtrack of Steve on the banjo. I will not cave in though, I will continue to tell my story, and they'll not silence me, not without breaking out the custard anyway. For the record his gang was made up of Carrot Top, Arsenio Hall, David Arquette and Mr. T. I think he must be in cahoots with those devils in the collect phone call game. Oh what a seedy bunch.

Roxy Music and The White Stripes

Two bands that didn't really grab me the first time around but now, DAMN! I can't get enough.
I've always loved More Than This and Avalon, two songs from the later incarnation of Roxy Music. I dig Brian Eno so you'd think his work with the original Roxy Music would thrill me but until this week it really didn't, and I even like Eno's ambient stuff!

Don't know what the block was, but now, holy shit, this is great stuff. I've been playing "The Early Years" compilation over an over.

Here's a clip. Damn, I had no idea Ferry was so freakin' cool. He and Eno, with the feathers and crazy make up were such a great contrast:




I'm also totally loving White Blood Cells by The White Stripes. At first I dismissed them as a fairly solid rock and roll band with a minimalist gimick. Boy was I wrong. Jack White is the most amazing writer and player. What an extraordinary album. Here's some video clips including a live version of Hotel Yorba:

Mom Goes Nutball on Atheist Kid

No, I'm not putting this up to say that all theists behave this way. But SOME do, and if any of you wonder why many atheists may seem to have a bit of a chip on their shoulder imagine that they may have gone through some crap like this.Of course, it's also pretty damn funny.

This one's triggering some huge dose of commenting and flame war on my myspace blog.
Check it out by clicking here.

Pitty Party, and you're invited

I don't know why people overshare personal shit on their blogs. I don't know why I'm about to do it either.

I had a major breakdown yesterday, with the sobbing and what not

Bryna was pissed at my not being there, being distracted, not talking to her beyond single sylables, etc. for the past, oh, I don't know, months maybe, weeks at least. I talked to her and I tried to expain where I'm at, and it wasn't that great as far as working things out. Finally it was time to move on, we agreed to talk more next week. I wanted to make sure that she knew that I loved her, that my not being there was not because I didn't care or want to be there, and much to my surprise I just totally fell apart.

I'm totally overwhelmed with finishing the film, getting our live show ready, keeping up on my homework and maintaining a relationship. So how do I deal with all this? I started ANOTHER project (the TrulyAwful site.)

Bryna who started out pissed at me for being "not there" helped me organize my tasks and fill out the callendar and get a bit less panicky.

This pursuit of artistic success thing is a total obsession and the thought of letting go even part of the drive to "make it" is horrifying. I have staked my self esteem on this, I've staked my future on this and I'm unwilling or unable (or both) to change direction. It just really hit me HOW emotionally invested I am and how much it hurts when I feel failure or even just lack of success. And it hit me that when I get overwhelmed I hide from things, including my sweetheart.

I only submitted my book to three places, but I've been convinced since I was little that I'm supposed to be super gifted at this shit and that these fuckers were supposed to read the book and then start fighting over who got to publish it. It's hard for me to handle that not happening. And why am I so convinced of this immense talent? When I was tiny the adults around me assured me that I was brilliant, they reinforced this at every turn; Parents, teachers, the many psychiatrist who all took at crack at me. And I believed 'em.

So it drives me crazy to have put as much writing out there as I have, as much stand up as I have, as much sketch as I have and to still be doing a meaningless job for eight hours every day so that I can barely squeek by.

Yeah. I don't know the point of putting something like this up here. Maybe I'm just looking for a pity party, or maybe just sharing because I'm sure you all have shit like this in your lives too. But whatever it is, it's done. Hope you enjoyed. I'll try to write something funny tommorrow.

I have the best girlfriend in the world.

Menage a Trois

I spotted this on the shelf at Safeway a while back. Is this the subtle way to bring up the idea of a threeway with a couple of your dear friends? It brings on drunkenness and it brings up the subject so you've got the basic ingredients. Pretty funny marketing.

My Book Reviewed

I recieved an odd review of my book, much of it written in Eagles' song quotes. You see I out myself in the book as a hater of The Eagles. In the review a favorite sentence is chosen from the book:

"NO MEANS NO!" I felt like screaming. It wasn't easy being a porn-loving feminist teenager watching his friend's parents not respecting sexual boundaries.

Yeah, that is a pretty good sentence. Click Here to read the mostly good review. (He said my work sparkles like painted toenails!)

My Book Reviewed

I recieved an odd review of my book, much of it written in Eagles' song quotes. You see I out myself in the book as a hater of The Eagles. In the review a favorite sentence is chosen from the book:

"NO MEANS NO!" I felt like screaming. It wasn't easy being a porn-loving feminist teenager watching his friend's parents not respecting sexual boundaries.

Yeah, that is a pretty good sentence. Click Here to read the mostly good review. (He said my work sparkles like painted toenails!)

The Japanese Bart Simpson, with Flashing Penis Alarm?!?

Crayon Shin Chan is popular in Japan and gaining popularity elsewhere. And no wonder with fine spin off products like the Crayon Shin Chan clock with flashing penis alarm.



read more | digg story

Too Busy For You

My apologies for the lack of posting here lately. I've been putting all my energy into the new I Can't Believe It's Not Comedy show. See www.NotComedy.com for that.

I've also been distracted by Brett and I's new blog, www.trulyawfulstuff.com, which has been immensely popular with almost 5,000 unique visits coming in yesterday.

I am working on a new post about a rockin' band I once fronted called The Uglysticks and I spent about an hour writing a new post for ritalin only to have cyberspace eat it. Damn!

More soon, thanks for you patience.