Saturday, July 8, 2006

How To Talk to A Vegan

Hi meat and dairy eaters. I know that we vegans can seem, well, kind of freaky at first, but beneath our insane diet and snooty, holier than thou attitudes, we really are just people, albeit undernourished and brittle. The following is a list of phrases that all us vegans love to hear.

“But you eat eggs right?”

“How do you get you’re protein?”

“You know humans are carnivores. We have special teeth for eating meat.”

“Carrots are living creatures too you know?”

“So what do you eat?”

“But you can eat cheese right?”

“Wanna a hamburger? Mmmm, tasty hamburger…”

“You know, a cow would eat you!”

“Well what about butter? Oh, okay, well what about eggs? No? Um, well, what about cheese? No cheese! But you can have Ice Cream right?”

“I tried tofu once. It’s a sorry excuse for a steak.”

“You know, you’re body is digesting itself!”

“But you can eat fish right?”

“I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain so I could chew on a carrot.”

“So, do you eat a lot of salads?”

“I just wish that vegetarians weren’t so preachy.”

“You guys say you eat all natural, but what the hell is tofu? That can’t be natural.”

“I thought about going vegetarian, before I discovered the Atkins diet.”

“The sixties are over, hippie.”

“But you eat can pork right?”

“Okay, if you were on a desert island, with nothing to eat but a cow…”


Cary said...

Haha! So true. I can assure you that we vegetarians get much the same stuff. The conversation usually goes like this:

Me: I'm a vegetarian.
Other person: So, do you eat chicken?
M: No, I'm a vegetarian.
OP: Oh. Well, what about fish? Do you eat fish?
M: Nope. Like I said, I'm a vegetarian.
OP: What about shrimp? You GOTTA like shrimp!
M (sensing I need to be blatant to get out of this conversational rut): No. I don't eat any animal flesh of any kind.
OP: Well, you don't have to be so gross about it!
M: Sigh.

Keith Lowell Jensen said...

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Add an illness to the picture and everyone is sure you are ill because you don't eat meat, despite all of my doctors assuring me this is not the case. Oh well.

David said...

Vegetarianism is just another attention-seeking device used by those deficient in self-esteem.

Plus it is a very unhealthy lifestyle.

Keith Lowell Jensen said...

Ha ha. That's great.

Keith Lowell Jensen said...

Meet David/Donald Duck/Kieren Green, a lonely soul who I hope for his sake is quite young.
For some reason he gets some sort of satisfaction, or hopes to at least, from posting pointlessly contrary statements on other people's blogs.
He has made quite a pest of himself on my brother's blog.

Anyway, I gotta go, all this attention I'm getting from being a vegeterian must be basked in.

Woo hoo.