Joan Rivers at The Crest

Sid, did get to get a pic. Lucky bitch.

My consolation prize from the booker for the Joan Rivers show at The Crest was a front row seat which I sure appreciated. Admittedly I'm more of a Bob Newhart kind of guy then a Don Rickles or Joan Rivers kind of guy but I thought she put on a fantastic show. When she made a joke about her husband's suicide, and getting his ring and his watch in her mouth before his head hit the ground I gasped! Wow. Nobody can accuse her of being tougher on anyone else than she is on herself.

On the way out the older woman who sat next to me said she didn't get a certain joke about somebody named Shwartz. I told her "It's not the name. The joke is that the winner of a Porn Academy Award for Snuff Porn wouldn't be there to collect their trophy." She says, "What's snuff porn." I told her "I'm not willing to take your innocence. You'll have to Google it."

I hung out after hoping to get in on the meet and greet. Don Geronimo comes walking out and I asked him politely as possible, "Can I get a picture with you Mr. Geronimo?" I figured, standing face to face, we could maybe put the bullshit aside and move on, make nice. Nope. He starts toward me to take the picture then recognizes me and his face freezes. His wife, sensing danger says "Let's just go Don." and he says "Why don't you write more letters to my advertisers." Cool, nice to hear that's been effective. I have only shared with his advertisers actual quotes of things he has said on radio. It's not my fault he said them and he should be proud to stand behind them. At any rate I plan on filling his request and I hope you will too. I have to say I was surprised to see HOW angry he was. He's coming from the position of power here so I'm amazed that I actually got to him. Bizarre?

Janet, Joan and my future BFF

I said the feud was over and I meant it. But I had this accidental run in with him and wanted to share it. Hopefully someday we can get that pic. Whenever you're ready Don... I'll be there.

Tony, who actually opened for Joan and who writes for her told me how bad he felt to take the spot. I told him to knock that off. He did what any comedian SHOULD do when offered such a spot say yes. Say hell yes. Good job Tony. And thanks for being a really nice, gracious person. I really hope you took my advice and didn't just go to Denny's.

As I left, carrying the stool that I had borrowed from Tommy T's to be used on stage (Thanks Tommy T's) I went out the stage exit and there was Joan Rivers. I said a polite hello, told her I enjoyed the show and beat it. She was cool, especially being addressed by a strange man in an alley carrying a stool.

The promoter has promised me another gig and the one I'm hoping to get, the one he's working on getting me, I'm really excited about. We'll see.

Celebrating My Birthday Belatedly with Dad and Sadie

Hanging out with Max at my Dad's house. 

Finally made it out to Dad and Sadie's with Bryna and Max to celebrate my birthday. Chocolate cake and presents and brunch. I'm at least part gay, I really love brunch.

Bridgetown Here I Come

What a great way to cap off an awesome week. I got tons of free publicity on the radio, heard from several new fans that heard my knock knock joke on the AM, had a few days off to hang out with my baby girl and my lovely wife and I wake up this morning to an email from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival that started with the words "We're excited to extend an invitation to you to perform in this year's festival." AWESOME! The festival in the past has featured Patton Oswalt, Janeane Garofalo, Moshe Kasher and many other favorites of mine! STOKED!
http://bridgetowncomedyfestival.com/

But you CAN help

At this blog because you love Don G and hate me?
Here because you love me and hate Don G?
Cool. I'm glad so many people are hitting this blog at such an important time. Let's do what this culture does when bad shit happens in the world and break all records for individual giving.
You CAN help: Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 from your phone

The Master and The Pilgrim

(Finally migrated my fiction blog. Read more here.)

"Oh exalted one, we present before you now a pilgrim who has been through the trial of endless desert, who has scaled the 1,000 steps of enlightenment, he has endured every test of faith, soul and body and has earned an audience with your holiness."

The master listened as the young man who stood before him was introduced. Despite all he'd been through, all he'd endured, he still showed a hint of nervousness, or was it because of all that he'd invested in this moment that his lip quivered ever so slightly and his forehead was dotted tiny beads of sweat. He was disciplined, had to give him that. His stance was perfectly steady, his gaze did not shift.

"Thank you brother." The master said excusing the devoted priest who'd excorted the young man this far. It was as many words as anyone had heard him speak. He led by listening as he sat upon his mat in deep contemplation for hours at a stretch.

Now, alone in the room with a pilgrim who had been watched by all over the last two years, since it was first noticed that he was making it through the ordeals more rapidly than any other in the history of the faith. That it seemed he would make it all the way was exciting beyond measure, but that he would do it without ever once having to repeat a trial inspired a sort of fanaticism amongst the throng of believers, usually not prone to such emotion.

"So, you've made it through every ordeal?"

"Yes master."

"Uh… wow. Congratulations, that's… that's amazing."

The disciplined and intense young man stood perfectly still. He was not asked a question and so, he did not offer a response.

"Um, okay… listen, the thing is, it's great that you got here, that you made it, we all applaud you. I look forward to finding you a great place within the ministry and I think its safe to say, you'll be well compensated for your… your um… your ministry."

The two men sat in intense silence. The young man began to wonder if this was another test, another ordeal. He stood, still and stared straight ahead. He would pass it.

"Uh, that's it. Thanks. Look, I'm not playing or speaking in riddles or anything, we're cool here. Let's see if we can't find you a prayer mat eh? I'll call Brother Kelly back in," and as the master took a deep breath, prepared to holler for his most faithful dedicated follower to return the young man spoke.

"I need to know. What does it all mean? I went through all of those ordeals, the night of one hundred odors, the week of truly awful films, and I still don't get it. I'm sorry, but I just, I just don't feel any closer to understanding what it all means; Why I'm here, why I exist, why here exists."

"Oh, that, yeah, well... um... Meaning is meaningless in the eyes of a goat. He just wants to eat your sweater."

"What?!"

"Okay, look kid, I'm gonna level with you. It's really quite easy. It doesn't mean jack. It's all biological imperative."

"I don't understand?"

"Biological imperitive. It's about progeny living on, a bit of you living on. It's what the plants are all about, the ants too, the birds, and us. We just want to make something that carries on."

"So thats your great wisdom? Jjust have a bunch of babies!"

"No, no, no. Kid you're getting all worked up. Listen, it might be your babies, or it might be your ideas, the influence you peddle. The books, art, music, poetry, technology, whatever your thing is man. You want to make it and you want it to live on."

"That's awful."

"No it's not."

"It is."

"No, really it's not."

"Look, if that's what its all about, then why be moral. Why not rape and kill and plunder? As long as it's for the good of me and mine it's all good yeah?"

"It would seem that way wouldn't it?"

The young man looked particluarly distressed and dissappointed.

The master continued hastily, "But no, it's not really that way... because, you see... Well for instance, lets say you write a book. You're book won't be read anymore if the neighbors you piss off are burning down our libraries right? You're kids won't fair too well if the planet can't support life, will they? A more peaceful and healthy planet is the most selfish thing we can hope for, for me and mine, you and your's, them and there's. In the long term doing whats best for us all has its rewards."

The two men stood, staring at each other, one smiling, one not as a breeze carried the scent of burning Pop Tarts from another room. At last the pilgrim spoke.

"So that's it?"

"That's it."

"Well then why the two dozen nights of itchy beddings or the three hours of cable News viewing. I suffered through "The ordeals" so that you could tell me, biological imperative?"

"No. I didn't need to tell you biological imperative any more than I needed to tell the newts. You were already livin' it. Look, we never meant for you to get through all that crap. That stuff was there to not kill you, while making you stronger, and keeping you praying and paying. Fact is you're either smart enough to get that being a dick is bad news or you're not and we weren't going to do much to help you, but hopefully we keep some of the dicks busy for awhile."

"You believe in some kind of pre-ordainment or something? You don't believe that people can learn?"

"Well… not quite. Let me put it this way kid. A higher level intelligence has not yet really proven itself to be a biologically successful trait. Of course I, much like the average dodo bird, think that my traits are the ones that should live on, and so I do the best for me and mine as you say, but the truth is there are a-lot of dumb people out there and they're pretty good at taking care of the biological imperative, at least in the short run. We'll see. Just do what you can, and we'll see, eventually."

And now the master, whose name is actually Ron, noticed his guest clenching his jaw and fist, tears forming in his eyes. Maybe he'd overestimated this pilgrim.

"Hey, look buddy, we're going to give you a good position here and there'll be plenty of time for more study. Maybe I'm wrong. Shit, maybe there is something to be found. You'll have plenty of time to find it."

It seemed it was too late for these words. The tears came, the shoulders hunched. "It's meaningless. It's all scam. I should tell everyone. I'd love to see you off your damn mat, standing in the unemployment line." And then the silence was back. The two men sat, neither uttering so much as a word for an excruciating fifteen minutes.

At last, the young pilgrim spoke in a calm, peaceful voice, "So... this position in the ministry… is there a good retirement plan? And what about flex time?"

An Open Letter to Don Geronimo

Don G.,

A feud can be fun. Entertaining for all. You talked some shit, I talked some shit back (and really Don, could a guy like you respect someone who didn't throw it back when gone after?)

It should have stayed at the level. Sling some insults, etc. Several fans that we have in common were telling me about past people you feuded with who are now friends and I thought, that's cool, maybe that could happen.

But you, even though you're in the business and habit of messing with people couldn't handle it coming back at you and elevated it to the point of attacking my livelihood. You encouraged your listeners to harass me at my shows and then you contacted Joan Rivers. You may never admit it publicly but you know, as does anyone who bothers to read Joan's response on Twitter, that you did NOT get me pulled from that show. It was a misunderstanding as the booker didn't know she had her own opener. But your intent WAS to cost me that show. I've worked very hard in an extremely competitive business to get to where bookers are putting me on such gigs. For you, because of a little shit talking to even try to undermine that makes you a sad, pathetic individual. It was taking this too far and it's completely inappropriate. Yes, I did encourage letters to your station, but only in response to the actions described above and only to express the same sentiments.

So, I'm done with our feud. My revenge will just be my continued success and happiness chasing this dream and working with amazing, creative people who are also chasing theirs as we keep things positive.

Did you win Don? Sure. You got to me. Congratulations. From a position of power you went after someone much lower on the totem pole then yourself and you succeeded in making him feel like he never should've messed with something so filthy and disgusting lest he get the stink on himself as well. You got me to wallow for a moment in the muddy place where you exist. You went after the means that I use to try and make the best life I can for me and my family. And yes, you got me to step away first. Congratulations. You're a vicious, nasty, mean-spirited man and I feel a huge relief at being done with you and a slowly fading regret at ever interacting with you in the first place.

Sincerely,
Keith Lowell Jensen

PS: I've got more big gigs coming. I hope your listeners do come and buy tickets. It would be nice to interact with them without you there to hang up on me before I can say my piece.

Don Geronimo Saga Continues

For those telling me to thicken my skin, thanks for the concern. I'm fine. I'm actually enjoying this. Fighting back is not the same as crying and licking your wounds. I'm not hurt or upset. I grew up with four brothers. I don't mind a good sparing match.

Don should be embarrassed at letting an obscure comedian get so much of his time and attention. The more he talks about how little I am, what a nobody I am, the more pathetic it is that he's going after me. And as little as I may be, I'm three times as big as I was two years ago. Don can't deny his career has gone the other direction. He shouldn't throw stones.

As for me, what do I have to lose? Most of his more rabid fans would never have liked my material anyway and I'm getting all kinds of exposure to people who wouldn't have heard of me who do like it. You'd be amazed how many emails and letter I've gotten praising the youtube clip with the knock-knock joke. Several people have told me that they're Don fans and they want me to stop fighting with him because they like my comedy now that they've checked it out. I'm doing an interview with a college station in Maine this week (way more my audience) and I've been interviewed by two different print publications so far. Thanks Don, couldn't have done it without you.

As for Joan Rivers, yes, I'm HUGELY disappointed but the gig was cancelled Monday morning long before Don's idiocy toward me kicked into high gear. Turns out she's bringing her own opening act. The promoter has another show for me which I'm very excited about. More details as it gets confirmed.

To the more rabid of Don's fans, stop for a minute and think for yourselves. What did I really do here?

1. I did a comedy show where I tried my best. Don didn't like it but I certainly gave it my all. Hell for the sake of this argument lets go ahead and say I sucked. So that's crime one, not being a good comic but trying hard anyway as I chase my dreams.
2. I defended myself when Don decided to insult me AND the other comics who I know as a fact did great, on air.

That's it. I did a crappy comedy act (Not according to the crowd who bought out my CDs but in Don's opinion) and I defended myself from someone who makes a living attacking people.

Come on now. I'm just a guy trying to be the best father, husband and comic he can, in that order. I'm not a bad person. What would you have done in my shoes? Maybe not the same thing, but do I deserve this level of hate? I didn't do anything violent or racist. I wasn't cruel to the downtrodden. I just defended myself when a talk radio guy attacked me. Period.

Thicken your skin Don. You're letting a nobody get you all worked up.

Why Don Geronimo is an Asshole

So Nationally Syndicated, oops wait, not anymore, so local Sacramento DJ Don Geronimo came to see a show where I was the feature on Saturday in Galt. He showed up late, brought friends who talked and texted through the whole show while he kept going outside and smoking. Today he started talking smack about me on the air. When I replied by Twitter he went into overdrive and tried to savage me on his radio show.

I'm a guy with a day job. An amateur comic. I'm really pleased with the progress I've made artistically and career wise in the past year but I still have not shed my amateur standing. I will continue to work hard. I'm really proud of the people even greener than me who I have encouraged and helped. There are of course young comics who haven't impressed me but I wish them the best and I hope they get better just as I hope I get better. Why a guy who is a professional would go after an amateur is beyond me.

He claims he's done stand up but I'd like to see him survive just twenty minutes at Punchline or The Improv on a showcase night with a crowd that isn't made up of his radio fans.

If he's done it he KNOWS how hard it is to do a show in a place like Galt. Nobody is stoked at Galt. The two nights before that gig I was on the bill with Doug Stanhope. Those were dream gigs. Galt was work. But I did my best and despite being way mismatched to the crowd I did great. How do I measure this? The audience response was great. I sold lots of merch which was totally unexpected and the owner had a cigar with me and told me he was getting great feedback on the show. You'd think an experienced comedian would get how tough a gig like that is.

So he's an asshole for talking shit on me to begin with but he's a much bigger asshole for hanging up on me when I called in. I was set to be civil and just to try and prove that I could go toe to toe and keep up. I wanted a fair opportunity to address his attacks and, it would've given him the opportunity to best me and show that he was right. But no, he was a coward, hung up on me and went on talking smack.

He is an asshole and a coward because when face to face with us he accepted our swag, shook our hands and told us he enjoyed us. When called out on this he just insulted said swag, lying and saying my CD was hand made. Have a look on Amazon, it's not. What he didn't do was explain why he was a coward and a liar when actually in our presence.

He is an asshole because he lied again. The venue never listed me as an atheist comedian. I don't perform as an atheist comedian except when hired to do so, when on The Coexist? Comedy Tour or when I'm the headliner. Most headliners don't want the feature doing material as potentially divisive as religion before their set.

He is the biggest asshole though because when he played my clip he inserted cricket noises to make it sound like I wasn't getting huge laughs but he's a stupid asshole because he didn't cut soon enough and you can HEAR that the joke gets a huge laugh. Here's the clip he sampled if you'd like to see for yourself.



He's an asshole and a sellout because he talked mad shit on Good Day Sacramento until they hired him. Wow, there's integrity for you.

So, this has-been on his way down wants to fuck with me on my way up. Cool. I don't start fights and everyone who knows me sees how I try really hard to encourage people and to be positive but this guy is just a prick and I look forward to letting people know it.

Oh, and here is a clip of him with a tore up face because he hasn't even mastered staying on the stage. My WORST nights in comedy haven't left me looking this bad Don, you fucking hack piece of shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byLkDqT7f_8
You have to hit the link as embed has been disabled.

Want to get involved? http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=158997764155570&id=104940526227961
Unfortunately you have to "Like" his turgid show before you can comment.

Birthday Weekend Craziness

Doug Stanhope and I at Marilyn's, Sacramento

Wednesday my weekly show in Sacramento was lightly attended which happens sometimes and I don't mind. I make a mental note to ramp up promotions and then I enjoy a small intimate audience. I dropped my material and just told stories of accidentally becoming a gangster and of teaching my stoner friends in High School the principle of "nature abhors a vacuum" using a gravity bong. Great times. Kristee Ono and Conrad Roth were our featured comics and they too went with the small crowd vibe and had a great time.

Thursday I headed to The Improv in San Jose to feature for Doug Stanhope. I did my twenty minutes with a couple of generous applause breaks lots of laughs and ended on a huge round of laughs and applause with my now well aged but new to them, knock-knock joke. I sold a great amount of merch, signed autographs and was fawned over much to my ego's delight.

Got to hang out with Stanhope and his too awesome for words girlfriend Bingo at the hotel piano bar while very drunk and very strange fans, including a tabloid class plastic surgery junkie in stilt like stilettos that I'm pretty sure were designed to be displayed and not worn much less walked in, milled about making the evening a bit surreal since we were sitting amongst a bunch of conventioneers while being serenaded by a cheesy, pompadoured jazz crooner.

I spent the night in a suite at The Fairmont feeling quite pampered. Two baths before check out in that deep tub was the high-lite of my stay. Being unable to bring myself to change the channel after stumbling on Girls Gone Wild the TV show the low point.



I drove home, did some work, got a nap, and then headed to Marilyn's on K for the Sacramento show with Doug Stanhope. Crazy audience, birthday girl telling Bingo to fuck off before the show had even started and then splitting before Doug had a chance to slaughter her from on stage, fights in the crowd during the show, more drinks being sent to the stage then Stanhope was able to keep up with, which is ALOT of drinks and again I sold much merch. A guy who bought my CD at the San Jose show bought three more at The Sacramento show because he liked it enough to buy copies for his friends. He paid with a hundred dollar bill and told me to keep that change. That certainly should happen more.

Doug said he had no use for comics who celebrate birthdays. "Every night is our birthday. We go to a bar, drink with friends, are the center of attention." I agreed and told him my birthday wish to my wife was to sleep in and then have a nice breakfast.

I dropped Doug and Bingo off at their hotel. Doug said I was really funny and that Nick Pettigrew who I'd invited to open the show was as well. He said that he'd resisted posting it on his facebook but that if someone should say that he said a certain teenage comic was a cunt he wouldn't deny it.



Marquee at "A Magic Place" in Galt



Saturday, my birthday, Galt with Michael O' Connell and Mark Pitta. The venue is a bouncy house kids place by day with a used book store inside, video games, a photo studio in one corner, magic shows on other nights (and a magician emcee hosting our show.) It's like Galt having nothing inspired one man to give them everything and put it all in one warehouse.

Popular talk radio host Don Geronimo had mentioned the show on air making reference to a paraplegic comic (Michael is not a paraplegic but is in a wheelchair as he has MD) and an atheist comic (which is technically me though I don't do much religious or anti-religious comedy unless I'm booked to or it's a show that I'm headlining). I became very nervous as a lot of skinhead looking guys rolled in carrying cases of beer, well the case that one brand of beer had come in with other brands dumped in it as if they emptied their 'fridge into an old empty box and said "Let's go see some got-dang comedy." I saw two of these guys pointing at me and talking probably saying "I think that's the comedian." or maybe even "That guy looks gay." but I imagined they were saying "That's that atheist we're going to skin, cook and eat." I went on stage made the whole audience laugh with some jokes made the younger half of the audience laugh with most of my jokes and as soon as I got off stage a woman approached me and bought two CDs. I sold a gang more CDs, got picked up on by very curvy young woman who then picked up on Michael and finally went home with the gentleman who'd brought her. Mark had a fantastic set including accepting two Vicodin from an audience member and stopping to ask the strength of them only after swallowing. 500 mg each. Is that a lot. I smoked a nice cigar that Michael had given me for my birthday and had a really polite and funny (laughing with not at) political conversation with someone from a military background and completely different outlook than me which I loved. It was a great night.

My birthday wish came true. Slept late, went to eat at Sugar Plum Vegan with my Bryna and Maxine. Went to the fish store and my wife picked out a new beta and came home to a bath and new comic books. It's going to be a great year. Next week I perform with Joan Rivers.

Holy Shit, I'm opening for Joan Rivers

So, this year was already rockin' in a really big way. I started the new year with a NYE show in LA at The Steve Allen Theatre then flew to New York where Hailey Boyle and I lit up the scene. I come home to a surprise booking featuring for Robin Williams, my buddy Nick Aragon opening.

I knew it would continue rocking for at least a little while as I was booked for two shows with Doug Stanhope, possibly my favorite comedian currently performing
.
Then I get the email, I'm opening for Joan Rivers and it's at The Crest, my favorite venue that I used to dream of performing at when I was a teen and didn't even know yet what manner of performer
I wanted to be, rock star, sensitive political fiction author, comedian, whatever I just wanted to wander across that stage in front of a sold out audience which is exactly the case on March 13th.
Oh, and this Saturday, March 5th is my birthday. Life is good.

What wonderful thing will happen next? I'm hoping I'll stop shitting blood, but whatever, having my album released by a good label would be good too.