Monday, February 12, 2007

Darwin's Lost Writings

They just found these hidden inside a Valentine card that Darwin had written to Fanny Owen. Here is a selection from the text:

"For he or she who shall believe in my theory shall be rewarded with a graceful forehead and increased cranium but lo you that rejecteth mine wisdom shall be doomed to walk upon thine knuckles.

Let he or she who sings praises of the ideas I present have given unto him or her coupling with they who would not only produce the mostadvantaged of offspring but shall excite and stimulate with biological advantageous features of symmetry and fine hip to waste ratio and the like.

And for they who would reject my theory let the sex be barely satisfying and impossible to complete without the conjuring of images of those who they'd rather enter into reproductive activities with or let them be satisfied only by solo acts which shall not result in their gene for intellectual stubbornness being passed on.

And just to cover my bases, I ask any gods, deities, nebulous entities or network of such to reward those who would seek to fully understand the universe rather than reward them that would spend their life kissing the divine ass in expectation of heavenly reward. I mean seriously dude, if youain't gonna return my calls what am I supposed to think?

It is my wish then that my believers might paste fishes with feet growing from them upon their horseless carriages which are even now evolving from those horse powered carriages which now bear us. It will please me to believe that these believers might gather in groups and sing praises unto me and carry the most modern and evolved ofweapons with which they must smote all who believe not in my theory thus removing from the gene pool any who might doubt the greatness of Darwin for I am surely great andpowerful and any doubt as to my greatness must not be tolerated.

And these followers shall consider only my theories and shall refuse to consider other theories and shall enact laws which forbid the discussion of said theories and shall deny theirchildren access to such theories for surely these other theories be blasphemous and full of poop.

And the Darwinites shall be a mighty nation upon the earth and shall rule for a Milena and shall evolve into supermen and be mighty sexy and get cake and ice cream every day of their life."

Wow, I can see why he thought better of publishing this stuff. Another wise move by Darwin.

Happy Birthday Chuck. Thanks.

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