Faux-Mo

Straight guys often think I'm gay, as do really square straight women. Gay people almost never think I'm gay, except when I'm having sex with them.
I guess I'm a little femme, actually a little flamboyant is probably more accurate. Someone suggested I was a metro-sexual. Nope. Metrosexuals are too neat. I'm a slob, unshaven, shaggy haired, fingernails all a mess. The metrosexual club would certainly not have me as a member.

So, what do I do that's "Gay" and what does it make me?:

1. I collect vintage Barbie dolls (mostly reproductions, I aint rich).
2. I love women's fashion. I don't know the names of designers or anything, but I'll sit and people watch with you for hours and rip to shred what most folks are wearing, giving the occasional thumbs up. And before you get catty, rarely would I give myself the thumbs up.
   
3. I watch Musicals. Love 'em. I've watched them since I was a kid.
4. I dig Figure skating. Okay, I can't figure out why this is considered gay. It's the sexiest thing in the world. Ballet too. It's like porn only the people are better looking and you don't have to worry about them ruining everything by spitting.
5. I have sex with men. No, just kidding. Ha ha. Really, I'm just kidding. Shutup.
   
6. I cross my legs high. Drives my little brother crazy. "Dude, why do sit like that. Doesn't it hurt your balls?"
7. My voice goes high when I get excited. My boss makes fun of me for this one all the time. It may have something do with crossing my legs high.
   
8. I like pink. It's a fun color. Colors don't have genders. Get over it.
9. I say "Get over it."
10. Sometimes I pretend my girlfriend's really a dude. No, just kidding, heh heh. No, sweetie, really, I'm just kidding. Dang!
11. I LOVE drag. I think it's an amazing form of entertainment and I just can't get enough. Though Sacramento doesn't offer very good drag. Tranny Shack at Club Stud in SF is where it's at.
12. Salad spinner. I have one at home, and I want one to keep at work. I like to wash my lettuce before I have a salad or sandwich, and then I like it dry. So, a salad spinner. Allen thinks this makes me the gayest of the gay.
    

There are more. But that'll do for now. My girlfriend in trying to come up with a term for me, and the many others like me, has coined the phrase Faux-Mo, rhymes with homo. I like it. It works. Yay! (13. I say "Yay!")

Hot Little Nymphos in Heat, apply within

Click here to check out a particularly wild new post on my jobs blog.

My friend Amber got offered a, um, "career opportunity" that was too sleazy not to pass up. Check it out. It's pretty outrageous.

I'm Hosting The Sammies

I was chosen to host this years Sammies awards. For you non Sacramento types, that's the Sacramento Area Music Awards.

A lot of people bitch about the Sammies, as should be expected as people bitch about everything. Of course The News and Review has made some bad decisions now and then but for the most part they've tried hard to recognize local bands and thats a good thing. I've been on the organizing side of The Sammies and I know that, in the last few years at least, a real effort has been made to get the music community involved so that the awards will reflect said community more accurately. This effort is an uphill battle and then some.

But, none of that is my concern. I will host The Sammies. I will do the best job I can and I endeavor to bring something new to the awards. Think guerilla theatre using actual South American Guerilla Millitias! Yeah!

Ben from I Can't Believe It's Not Comedy will be helping me out as will my good friends Scott and Jason from Gas, Food, Theatre (They are not related to Smooot Valley High. Why can't you stop with these vicious rumors?).

The event is July 12th at The Crest Theater. I'll post more information soon.

STOP with the Emo crap

When I was a kid we called everybody gaylord. We sounded stupid. Emo is the new gaylord. People use it as the insulting term to call anyone who is not the same as them. I've been called Emo. Rob Cockerham has been called Emo! Rob! He's as un-emo as they come. Shut up already with the Emo thing. And hipster aint much better. Emo hipster, hipster emo, it's as tired as flippin' off the camera in your my space pic.
That is all. Good night. Gaylord!

De Ja Voo Doo

So first off I spend the night drivng around with Yorey, my insane friend from when I was teenager. I met Yorey about 18 years ago when he almost ran me and my skateboard over in his Porsche. He slammed on his brakes and I swear if I hadn't bent my knees the bumper would have made contact with them. This little gnome looking guy with died black hair cut super short save for three little spike of varrying lenghth sticking up in the front stick he freaky little head out of the white Porsche.

"Oh fuck, sorry dude." he said in high, slightly southern voice. "You wanna maybe smoke some pot?"

Well, I certainly did. The spot where he almost killed me was right in front of his tiny little apartment. His pad was wall to wall art, canvases stacked everywhere. The guy painted up a storm. He had some wild mixed media pieces that just cracked me up. A picture of a chair pasted to the wall, with a dead bee hanging from a thread above it. Pasted in the upper left corner an article about increasing pesticides found in the air in Sacamento. He flicked the bee just enough to get it swinging and told me, "Oh fuck, looks like the little guy took his own life."

I became friends with Yorey, much to my parent's dismay. I was sixteen and he was somewhere past forty. My parents were right to be concerned. Yorey's house gave me access to guns, drugs, some really bizarre porn. He tried to get with all of my female friends, who I of course brought around. Having an older insane artist friend was a great and important piece of the image I was cultivating.

Yorey had a Master's degree and at one time he had had really good credit. He bought his car with cash while paying for all kinds of things that couldn't be liquidated using his credit cards. When he ran up the maximum debt he claimed bancruptcy. He was very proud of scraping the ice off his porsche using his food stamps card, feeling like he'd pulled the ultimate heist. We all thought it was pretty cool too. I guess we figured he had a back up plan, a phase two. But no. That was it. Since then he's lost the car, when he couldn't afford it's up keep, and he still lives in a tiny apartment with tons of paintings in expensive frames. He has a new crap job every few months. His plan sort of sucked.

So anyway, I frequent the place where he currently makes sandwiches. When Allen at The Horse Cow invited me to drive the shuttle for his last party I said why sure. I'd be driving until three am or later so I stocked up on eats, including a nice fat sandwich.

"Hey Yorey, gimme some extra avacado, and hey, you want to go to a party tonight? Cool, what time should I pick you up?"

Yorey decided to hang out in the van with me all night. It was great. We were picking up lots of fun and interesting people including quite a number of very attractive girls. In between runs we'd go into the party, eat some food, and I'd take skate breaks. We had a nice time.

I dropped Yorey off just before 3 am. "Oh fuck dude, I got something for you. You wanna come up?" I went up to his apartment, and he hands me a drawing I'd done just 2 days after my 18th birthday. I'd attempted in a dunken stupor to attach it to his cieling. It still has the safety pin and screw-hook that I used hanging from it's corners. The picture says "control" and the word forms the top half of a grinning face. Pretty neat thing to get back after so long.

Yorey quit drinking a few weeks back and I'm trying to help him show his art to someone other than me for once. It was great to hang out with him again. And he makes a pretty good sandwich.

The other weird flash back was going to see Ministry. The last time I saw them was half my life ago and I spent the night in the SF Greyhound station. I'll write about that in the next couple of days.

Sea Monkeys!

UPDATE: I decided I had enough to say about Sea Monkeys to give them a blog of their own. Please visit www.SeaMonkeyGeek.com.

It's spring and that means I get a hankerin' to hatch some Sea Monkeys. I was at Hip-Co with Bryna when I saw the new pink Sea Monkey tank. It comes with a little locket that you can put your pets in after you hatch 'em. I don't think I'll be using that. I just want to hatch up some Sea Monkeys and watch 'em swim around.

I've been obsessed with these critters since I was a kid. My brothers made fun of me, saying they were just pieces of paper that unfolded when wet, and my pets never got big enough for me to prove them wrong because someone, usually my little brother, always spilt the tank all over the carpet.

When the magic of adulthood hit, and I got my own place I ran right out and had sex, but after that, I bought cigarettes, okay, so hatching Sea Monkey's wasn't my top prority, but within the first year of being "on my own" I brought home a little tank. I didn't have to order them from a comic book and wait for weeks like when I was a kid. They now sold the Monkey's of the Sea in toy stores. My roommate Christina, much to my dismay determined that Sea Monkeys do not like vodka.

I've hatched up a batch every couple of years since. I raise them to full grown, almost an inch in length. They fight and make sweet love, and then they die. I've yet to keep them alive for more than three or four months. Keep in mind of set up complex reef aquarium systems and pretty much every other kind of fish tank you can imagine with great success. Doing things on the small scale has it's own challenges.

I'm going to wait until I can borrow back the USB microscope that I gave my nephew before I hatch my latest packet o' pets. I'll document the whole process here, and hopefully I'll get some cool microcscope pics to share. The goal is to keep the Sea Monkey's alive for one ful year.

And lest you think I'm the only Sea Monkey fanatic, the song Palace Of The Brine by The Pixies is about Sea Monkeys. Yup. It is. Here's a snippet of the lyrics

"i saw the cloning
of the famous family
i heard the droning
in the shrine
of the sea-monkey"

Yeah,so I'm an ad whore

I got bills to pay so, if I do a review I'll give you a link to buy whatever I'm reviewing, even when I do a negative review, cuz I don't know nothing right? I mean c'mon, Tucker Max freakin' RULES! Hell Yeah!
Anyway, if you're gonna buy from Amazon, get there via a click from www.rockass.net and you'll make me happy. I can really use the help since I'm not a rich little brat, you know, like Tucker Max.

The Coup; Pick a Bigger Weapon

The Coup's new album "Pick a Bigger Weapon" is the best hip-hop album in ages. Definitely the best so far in 2006. Boots Riley and Pam The Funktress are joined this time around by an all star live band including members of Tony! Toni! Tone!, The Gap Band and Rage Against the Machine, and guest rappers Talib Kweli and Black Thought from The Roots.

Bigger Weapon finds The Coup ready for revolution as always, but there is a stronger sex and funk vibe here than ever before. IJuSWANNALYAROUNDALLDAYINBEDWITHYOU manages to work complaints about the crap jobs we all report to each day in with a slow jam about how much better off this particular member of the work force would be if he could just stay right where he is, in bed with his sweetie. "Monday rush, I'm sposed t skip, But I just found Sunday in your hips, Magic in the fingertips and lips." Yeah, that's what good sex rhymin' sounds like, and it gets even sexier.

The Bush administration and the Iraq mess predictably get skewered, but it's done so well and so straightfoward that you'll giggle at the brazenness of it, and then get pissed as the reality of the situations is layed out from a very personal perspective.

The ryhymes, the music, the big huge brass balls, this is what hip hop is all about at it's best; super sexy and confrontational as all hell.

Another "All My Jobs" blog

Victoria posted the following on her blog. Cool beans. And even though I'm disturbed that Rob at Cockeyed has ended the long standing tradition of people always refering to me as Keith Lowell Jensen or even KLJ instead of Keith, this is still pretty neat.

All my Jobs: Volume One
While stumbling around one of my favorite blogs Cockeyed.com, I came across a link to this list of all of All of Keith's Jobs in order even!

I thought to myself: I have an uncanny memory, a variable employment history, AND a place to write things down! I should copy him! I'm not going into the amount of detail that he does--I mean, this blog isn't SOLELY about my past employment experiences. I have to talk about my current ones as well!

Read the rest at www.RockAss.net/allmyjobs

I'm so swank

This is a pic from the new News and Review out today. I shaved my beard, leaving the mustache by request of the N&R folks who said they needed someone to look Sleazy. Glad sleazy makes 'em think of me. That's real nice guys.
Buy hey, a gigs a gig and I got porn and cocaine to pay for yeah. Not that I don't make a pretty penny selling used SUVs, but I got a REALLY big porn and cocaine habit.
Get it? I was being sleazy. Um, okay, see ya later.

Help, I've been Cockeyed

Can you tell what day Cockeyed.com put up a link to my All My Jobs blog?

Praise from Metafilter

It's nice how many people are reading and saying nice things about my All My Jobs blog. My favorite praise so far was this, posted at metafilter.com:

"So I read some stories. I'm not going to lie to you, man, you seem like bit of a jerk. But an entertaining jerk.

Thanks for writing these down. I'm definitely looking forward to enjoying the rest of them"

Uh, you're welcome, and thank you. By the way, with all due respect, you seem like a bit of a jerk as well. But a jerk who finds me entertaining.

Thanks for reading these. I'm definitely looking forward to you enjoying the rest of them.

Over Sharing

NO SEX! No sex with my sweetheart, no sex with myself, no sex with any food item or major household appliance, nor even a minor househould appliance for that matter. My health concerns, those that have resulted in my having camera's up my ass, and vials of blood being taken from me by those damned vampire nurses, now have me going a week, A FREAKING WEEK, without making the O face, so that my prostate can be checked out good an thorough. I don't know that connection either, I just know NO SEX!
Should be an interesting week.

Maybe att the end of it, a big party to celebrate my being permitted to go OOOOH! Yeah. That's what I'll do. I'll have a big party, and I'll invite me, and maybe my fiance, though I might want to wait until round two to allow her in the apartment, as things could get dangerous. Sorry, you'll not be invited. But feel free to RSVP anyway if you wish.
Okay, I'm gonna go find something unsexy to do, though suddenly everything's pretty damn sexy. The sponge in my hand as I wash the dishes is soft yet firm like a lovely breast.... AUGGGHHH! I'll never make it.

Wish me luck, pray to whatever god you give your money to, light a candle, I need all the help I can get.

I'm no Tucker Max

Thank god.

"My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole.

I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead."

Why do people think this is cool? I do lame things sometimes, and I write about them, but I don't celebrate my idiocy. I'm not proud of what a jerk I can be, and I would certainly never gleefully "ignore the consequences of my own actions." I hate guys like this, and I've never understood their appeal.

Sure, I love Bukowski, and he certainly writes of some, we'll call it anti-social behavior, but Bukowski wasn't the cool guy, nor was he a spoiled rich kid. He was sensitive to and concerned with the problems facing his fellow man. Max would seem to want us to believe he has no concern, that he's an uncaring asshole, and I guess it's his fans that are to blame for thinking this is something to be admired, or even that it's entertaining for more than a quick WTF moment.

Oh well. He's doing quite well for himself and guys like him probably enjoy success a-lot more so I'll be happy for him, and sad for all the people that encounter him and his "raging dickhead" behavior.

www.tuckermax.com

Ryan Stiles

Today I interviewed Ryan Stiles, the brilliant improv comedian from Whose Line Is It and The Drew Carey Show.

I talked to him for about 30 minutes about his career and what not but also about Shelley Berman and Jonothan Richman, two of my heroes. It was great. I'm doing a story for The News and Review on his improv tour. I'll put the story up here as well of course. Look for that soon.

Cockerham Does It Again

Rob over at Cockeyed.com has linked my Jobs blog, the list of jobs specifically. This is great, but also weird. I mean, hey, there's lots of bad grammar, misspellings and tales of getting freaky with myself in a little booth while watching girls pretend to like me.
Oh well.
Rob never warns me when he links me. I just notice suddenly that I've got TWO MILLION freaking hits. Okay, slight exageration. But I did get 3200 visits the first day the link was up.

Click here, to witness me BEGGING for a cockeyed link, with no success.

Tila Flyquila

No, F*ck You!

I was on 29th and T yesterday, walking home from work. I saw the big SUV full of teenagers coming at me and the smiling staring driver was definitely up to no good. I got ready figuring they were going to throw something at me or shoot me with a paint gun. Insead they pulled close to me, without really slowing down and the kid gave me the finger and said, "Hey, Fuck You!" Then they sped away high fiving each other. Wow. I was pretty impressed, I can tell you! I think I'll borrow daddy's SUV tonight and go out cruising for people to yell meaningless things at. I'm not sure I have the guts though, I mean it is damn ballsy. I'll try to muster up the courage. Should I start small and work my way up to it? Maybe I'll start on my bike just saying hello to people.

Number one for Mexican Disabled Porn

Click Here

What the hell are people searching for? Enlightenment?

Be a pal to Francois

The world's greatest underground comedian, Francois Fly, has a new my space page and you can be his myspace friend, which may entitle you to conjugal visits.
To visit his page and sign up click here.

Be sure to tell him that I sent you. I am his biggest groupie/fan boy ya know.

Number One For Old Fly Porn

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=Old%20FLY%20porn

Bible: The Movie

This is a silly little ICBINC film that Morken, Ben, and I threw together. Enjoy.