How I lost an hour of my life

He walked into my closet of an office and had a seat. "Hey Keith, can I talk to you about something really important?"

"Um... I don't know."

"It's really important."

"Well... is it related to work?"

"Yeah."

"Um... are you sure it's related to work?"

"Yes. It's about work."

"Okay, fine..."

"It's related to everything."

"Goddammit!"

ElfQuest had a happy ending

Oops. Searching for pics for this article
I developed an ElfQuest CosPlay fetish

There is a particular issue of indy comic book series ElfQuest that just had to be masturbated to. It's a comic book about elves. They ride wolves. They fight with trolls. They're on a quest. Pretty innocent stuff. For the first 16 issues there was only the usual comic book sexiness, elf breasts were often stretching the limits of elven fabric, belly buttons were bared, Nightfall's little elf pants were slung delightfully low on her hips. Nothing pointed to the surprise of issue 17. Nothing prepared me for the full on elf orgy that spanned several pages.

Click for larger version but turn up Mtv 1st

I felt that I would have been doing Wendy and Richard Pini, Elf Quest's husband and wife creators, a huge disrespect if I chose NOT to masturbate to it, not that it felt like a choice. It didn't. It felt very much like a necessity, a responsibility, a duty. So, I shut the bedroom door, turned up the Mtv to cover any noises I might make and was having my way with myself when... I heard someone turning my doorknob.

In a panic I flung the highly collectible comic on the ground and pulled a blanket up over myself just as my dad walked into my room. I could've said "Ever heard of knocking?" with a voice full of teenage angst and anger. I could've closed my eyes and pretended to be sleeping. Instead, I just grinned and tried to look natural because sitting in bed in the middle of the day clutching a blanket to your chest with a shit eating grin on your face is so very natural.

My dad looked at me, looked at the TV which was playing the Tina Turner video "Whats Love Got To Do With It" and he walked back out of my room mumbling something under his breath.

I was mortified, of course but I'm not sure what the actual source of the embarrassment was. For twenty five years now, I've felt the need to tell my dad that I was NOT masturbating to Tina Turner, a woman with great legs no doubt, but a woman entirely too old and corny at that point for a 14 year old boy to be rubbing one off to. Dad, I was masturbating to comic book Elf orgy goodness, like a normal healthy 14 year old! If I was going to spank it to Mtv I would have waited for a Jody Watley or a Bananarama video. Whew. Feels so good to get that off my chest.

Now, here are a couple of videos to enjoy, but take my advice, put a shoe in front of the door first.

Atheist Rapture Week Follies

Upskirt fans will dig the ascension the most.

What a great Rapture week. Our Ha Ha Heathens shows were packed in San Francisco and in Sacramento.

Before the Sacramento shows a reporter from News10 came to interview me. You can see that clip here: http://www.news10.net/news/article/138694/2/May21-Judgment-Day-prophecy-inspires-drinks-and-comedy

The SF Chronicle's website, SFGate.com has some pictures of me doing a set at The American Atheists regional meeting on Saturday which was largely rapture themed. Click here to see those.  I don't know if these pics  ran in the paper or not but I do know that on Tuesday the SF Examiner refered to me as "Youtube star and head atheist Keith Lowell Jensen." You hear that atheists? I'm in charge of this ship.

Troy Conrad "Comedy Jesus" got me the American Atheists gig and when I arrived my name was on the list as "Keith Lowell Jensen 'Comedy Moses'". They asked me if I needed somewhere to change into my costume. Ha! I assumed Troy had pulled a prank on me but he swears it wasn't him. Pretty funny.

I was nervous performing before the atheists crowds as so many of the people who'd be attending would already be famillar with my material. This is a dumb worry as I'm frequently telling younger comics, but I let it get to me and ended up going with mostly new material. Luckily it worked out great and I got a lot of new bits out of these shows. All in all, six shows this week. That's a good week.

"I hate to break it to you folks, but I don't think the rapture is happening The bible says when it happens it'll be secret, nobody will know. So God probably did plan to do it today, then he saw all those billboards and said "WTF? Damn it, Camping you ruined the surprise. Now I'm not gonna do it until next year. Looks like the Mayans are getting the collar on this one."

Rapture Week Atheist Celebrity Sightings: "Healthy Addict" Ashley Paramore, atheist writer and  blogger extraordinaire -Greta Christina, The Atheist Experience's Matt Dillahunty (don't take offense to my Texas bashing, Austin doesn't count), comic and filmmaker Troy Conrad, science comedian Bryan Malow and the other fine comics who did Ha Ha Heathens this time around, Caitlin Gill, Trevor Hill, Bryce Druzin and Bryce Jones.

My Brain Tumor

I have a terrible memory. I meet a lot of people and I am really bad about remembering faces. I once introduced myself to the Sacramento Bee reporter who had a month earlier put me on the cover of Ticket, the Bee's entertainment magazine. I said, "Oh, you're into comedy. I have a sketch comedy troupe." He said, "Yeah Keith, I know. I wrote about them."

Unfortunately some people take this bad memory personally. They're insulted that they remember me but I don't remember them. This isn't fair. There's just one of me and there is almost 7 billion of them.

So, I started telling people I had a small brain tumor. People get mad at you for having a bad memory but nobody gets mad at you for having a brain tumor which I find interesting. I guess because a bad memory doesn't kill you? It's not like I had any more choice in having a bad memory than the average brain tumor patient has in having a brain tumor.

I describe it as tiny, like a candy sprinkle. Everybody loves candy sprinkles. Nothing scary about a candy sprinkle.

Some people think this is horribly insensitive to people with brain tumors. I don't think people with brain tumors are that possessive over their "Get out of jail free" for having a bad memory card. It's not like there is a finite supply.

If I told you I have a brain tumor and you've been feeling bad for me, I'm sorry. I don't have a brain tumor. What's your name again?

Jacquelyn Bond

Jacquelyn Bond, the artist who did the Bunnies painting that we're using for the cover of my new CD has her paintings up at Sub Q this month (I st. between 17th and 18th, Sacramento.)

Surprisingly this is the first time we've met in person and it was hilarious to discover how many friends we have in common. Amazing we've never met before. She's really cool and I love her artwork.

You can check out more of her work at www.JacquelynBond.com. NSFW, depending on where you W.

Don G's Latest Feud

 I would like to be done with Don G for good, but I really appreciated the people who spoke up when he and his fans were harassing me. So, now that he has chosen to target Tesla for abuse, and Brian Wheat of Tesla has chosen to stand up to him I want to say, Way to go Brian! Good for you. Here's Brian's letter as posted on his Facebook page:

"To the people of Sacramento, kings fans and tesla fans
Here’s what happened straight from my mouth unedited
When the kings played their last game in Sacramento
The band was approached by the kings if they could use our song” love song”
To end what could possibly be their last game as the Sacramento kings
We were honored and said yes and went to the game to cheer the kings on

Fast forward a couple weeks later I get a call from a guy called Carmichael Dave asking if the kings stay could I get the band to play love song at their rally
Again I said yes I would do everything possible to make this happen
And then we started talking with the kings themselves and their representative Craig

With only 3 guys in the band still in the Sacramento area a lot of things had to be coordinated people flown in to Sacramento with us leaving the next day to go play shows
On the east coast

Everything was beautiful kings are happy …Carmichael Dave is happy
And tesla is happy to be invited to take part in this great event

Now the truth of what happened not some edited version to make some certain person
Feel justified

Tesla is doing a sound check
And yes I was wearing a Blackhawk’s jersey because I love hockey jerseys and live 16 blocks from the park
And was going home after the sound check to shower and get ready to play the 2 songs
That evening

All of sudden I start getting text messages from several people saying that this guy Don Geronimo and his crew are pissing all over tesla on the radio

Saying I was fat, frank looked like Garth from Wayne’s world and Jeff Keith looked like a 50 year old woman…and hey all this may be true! BUT I think it’s very inappropriate
To insult a band from Sacramento who are trying to do something nice for the fans of Sacramento Kings and Tesla , lots of fans of both in Sacramento

And then he started calling us telsa not tesla being even more of a smart ass
So me growing up in South Sacramento and being passionate about my family called Tesla . I went over to see this Don Geronimo

He sticks a microphone in my face like he’s my best friend ….so I slapped the mic out his hands and preceded to tell him what an asshole he is being
He told me I had no sense of humor ….as hard as I tried I couldn’t find the humor in what he was saying about tesla

Was he making fun of the maloof brothers NO! The kings players NO!
But why tesla?????

Tesla or I never said we wouldn’t play the event at any point
This is something he is saying
To make himself seem like the victim
Tesla is not that petty!

Bottom line is this…
Tesla is family to me and I don’t take kindly to some dumb ass shock jock
Meathead trying to discredit a band that comes from Sacramento and has made Sacramento very proud at times

Some people may think I was wrong to react the way i did and some have applauded me for it
Regardless if it happened tomorrow I would do the same thing again
To protect the honor of Tesla

Regards
Brian Wheat the fat bass player of tesla :)"

Robot!

Holy Crap! This is the most fantastic, ridiculous, hilarious, imaginative, wonderful, over the top thing I have ever seen!

The Free Clinic

“Dude, do you know the truth?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I was sure I didn’t, but I was pretty convinced he didn’t either. This question was his opening, so he could have been talking politics, conspiracy theory or life insurance, but I was pretty sure he was talking religion and I wasn’t interested.

“So you already know about Jesus’ awesome love.”

“Yep. Thanks.” I knew the odds of him saying “Oh, okay then, see ya.” were slim but I had to give it a try.

“Awesome. Can I pray with you?”

“No. Look you seem like a nice guy but I’m here because I don’t feel well, I’ve been here too long already and I really want to just sit and read okay?” He was a blonde surfer looking guy in his late twenties or early thirties. He’d probably quit partying like an idiot when he found Jesus and now he wanted to help the rest of us quit partying like idiots too.

“I’m not trying to pushy bro, but if you knew the truth in a world full of lies, wouldn’t you be pushy?”

“No. I’d take out an ad or something and talk to the folks who were interested.”

Ah, crap, now I’d done it. I’d engaged him.

He prattled on and on by “Totally awesome grace” and “the coolest dude ever” I tried really hard to just read my book. Finally someone on the other side of the room gave an amen and he went to preach to the choir. A bit of peace at last. As close to peace as I’d get anyway sitting in the free clinic with a sinus infection, soap operas blaring on the TV, people arguing with the staff about the insane wait. I’d only been there for a little over an hour. I had a feeling there was more waiting ahead of me.

My name was called and I followed the guy with the clipboard into a small room where he took a seat behind a large desk inviting me to sit on the other side of the desk in a folding chair. This did not look like a examination room. He was there to examine my finances. I filled out a stack of forms and promised that I really was poor. Like rich people are clamoring to take advantage of the amazing free health care the city offers. I was then sent back into the waiting room to sit and try not to watch soap operas while they made sure I wasn’t lying about not being poor. How did they verify this? They had my social security number, maybe they just ran it, but my guess is they just made me wait all day figuring if I didn’t really, really need their help I’d give up sooner.

And wait all day I did. The surfin’ Jesus freak did too, but he didn't seem interested in talking to me again. During my eight hours in the dingy little room with the folding chairs, cracked linoleum, beige paint and stained foam ceiling panels I became the person who argues with the staff about how long it’s taking. I’d have been more patient if I was waiting to see the doctor, but I was waiting to be proven poor. This infuriated me. I was too poor to spend eight hours sitting in this little room not earning any rent money. I asked if I could leave and come back the next day when they knew that I was poor but they kept convincing me that it would be just another fifteen minutes.

At long last I was brought back to the rear half of the building where I was weighed, and poked and prodded with thermometers and little squeezie bulb things that check my blood pressure. I sat in an examination room and waited for another twenty minutes before meeting the doctor. Dr. Nguyen seemed like a nice fellow. He spoke with a heavy Vietnamese accent.

“How do you feel?”

I told him that I had a sinus infection and explained my symptoms. I told him that this was a recurring problem and that I hoped to do more than just take penicillin again. Was there anything he could recommend to help stop the infection from returning?

He nodded in agreement and handed me a prescription. “Yes. Penicillin.”

“Wait. That’s what I’m asking. Can I do something more than just popping more penicillin? Something to help me avoid this in the future?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment and then “Oh yes. Penicillin.”

“Do you understand a word I’m saying?” I asked.

“Yes” he answered, uncomprehending.

I took my prescription and left, Jesus guy following me for about to blocks before I turned and asked him if he’d like to martyred.

The infection cleared up eventually without the penicillin. When a spot on my eye mysteriously became swollen I put off going to the clinic. It got worse. I planned to go in the next Monday, hoping they’d still have it on record that I was poor.

On Saturday I went to the little bagel shop by my girlfriend’s work and the sweet Mexican girl who worked the counter noticed my eye.

“I think it’s a clogged tear duct or something.” I explained.

“No, I don’t think so.” She leaned forward and took a better looking, squinting with her whole face. “That’s a spider bite. Put some olive oil on it.”
“Olive oil? Really?” I went home and put some olive oil on my face and then I bought bagels for all my friends when the swelling disappeared rapidly. Over time I noticed other folks getting good sound advice from the bagel lady. And she didn’t care if they were poor, or rich, just so long as they bought a bagel or a cup of coffee. I went to her with a sore throat (lavender essential oil), a bad back (treat with heat, cold, heat, cold and sleep on the floor.) and of course a hunger for bagels. Free clinic be damned.

Her grandmother, before coming to America had kept an herb garden in a small town in Mexico where she was sort of an unofficial medicine woman. The Bagel Lady had been a loyal student of her grandmother’s and was now becoming our much bigger small town’s unofficial medicine woman.

Noah’s bagel’s moved in a few streets over and the owners of the bagel shop didn’t like the resultant drop in business. The shop is now a café with overpriced coffee drinks and no free advice except for the occasional suggestion that you have a chocolate chip muffin with you’re half-caf latte. I don’t know where The Bagel Lady ended up, but I have no doubt she’s carrying on her family's wonderful tradition.

Dogma Free Raw?

I am a rare breed in that I'm a skeptic who is stoked on raw food. Why should this be rare? Because the raw food movement is so chock full of dogma about it's miraculous powers. Fug all that. Listen, eating more food that grows out of the ground is good. Eating less manufactured food full of ingredients you can't pronounce is good. Eating raw food is good and besides its tasty and adventurous and fun cuisine. So, I was stoked to see Joshua Ploeg's newest zine is a raw food recipe book with a photo of a toilet seat written on in lipstick for it's cover. That ought to be a dogma free approach eh?

Ploeg is one talented guy. He catered my wedding, all vegan and it was yummy. The many non-vegans in attendance had no complaints. Check out his new zine here:
http://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/zines/3362/

YELLLING! (Zen Story #3)

So last night this dude was yelling at his dog. The dog looked about 90, not in dog years but in real actual years. The mummy of a dog was not moving fast. It was just limping, slowly, toward the street. The man following it yelled "No! I said NO! Stop damn it. I said stop. Don't go in the street. Oh... Oh.... okay, fine. Go in the street. You'll just get killed. See if I care. You want to get killed? Go ahead and go in the street and get killed then. I'm just trying to save your life." The dog was meanwhile looking tired and wandering into the street.


I was close to walking over to the man and yelling at him, "HEY! The dog doesn't understand all those words. He doesn't have that kind of vocabulary or ability to reason!" But I realized that if I did that anyone passing would be totally justified in yelling at me "Hey! That dumb guy doesn't understand all those words. He doesn't have that kind of vocabulary or ability to reason!"
I guess by the stick and carrot approach I should have just told him to put his dog on a leash and then handed him a donut.

New CD/DVD Fully Funded

My last CD was completely paid for and "in the black" by the time the release party audience had taken their seats. How very flattering that the new one was completely paid for before even being printed. Fans and friends who want to hear it pre-ordered the CD and/or DVD via Kickstarter and many of them even paid a bit extra to help make it happen and here we, five days ahead of schedule, completely funded. Yeah. That's very cool.
Like I said, we're still up on Kickstarter for another five days so take advantage of this chance to get the CD or DVD without paying any shipping costs. All moneys above the goal we set will go toward advertising. THANKS!