Thursday, December 13, 2007

I'm Not Angry

I'm not an angry atheist. I'm a happy atheist, for the most part.

If I believed in God, if I believed that I was the product of a divine creator, THEN I'd be angry. I'd be pissed.

Why? you ask.

I'm glad you asked. I'll tell you.

If I believed in a creator/God I would be angry about my inabillity to perform felattio on myself. Not that I can't do it. That's not why I'd be pissed, but rather because I can ALMOST do it. For it is that almost that has killed any opportunity I had to ever become a productive person.

A kind and loving God, one who didn't have one helluva cruel streak would not have made it so that I could get within an inch (half an inch if I stick my tongue out) of reaching the ultimate in self fullfillment.

Any God who really cared about me would've just put the damn thing IN my mouth, or else completely out of the way. How about on the back of my head? That would've worked. "Hmmm, lets see, can I reach that? Nope. Oh well, back to finding a cure for cancer."

But NO, according to you believers out there, I was intentionally designed in this way, leading to hours of what can only be described as back-breaking labor. And worse, I was designed this way by one who sees all, who is everywhere. Yeah, laugh it up God.

I am sure that the number one network in heaven is the Watching Humans Try To Suck Their Own Dicks Television. I want my WHTTSTOD-TV.

Angel 1: Oh man, did you see the stand up comedian with the three names working on his last night?
Angel 2: No, I was playing with the Army men. That guy was at it AGAIN?!
Angel 1: Yeah, and get this, He Made Contact!
Angel 2: You're shittin' me.
Angel 1: No man, for real. He was flexing and stretchin' for the better part of an hour. I was about to change over to the Shy Bladders Trying to Pee in a Crowded Bathroom Network, when his tongue comes out, he groans, stretches, and then I'll be damned if he didn't get a moment of contact, FOLLOWED BY AN HOUR OF ROLLING AROUND IN EXCRUTIATING PAIN! He still can't stand up straight. HA HA HA.
Angel 2: HA HA HA HA,
Angel 1: HA HA HA HA HA
Angel 2: HA HA HA HA Oooohhhh, Oh man, that's great. I'm glad I TIVOed it.
Angel 1: You'll love the slow mo instant replay man, classic.

The only religion I could belong to and not be angry would be Hinduism, 'cause they got Yoga.

I hope my Dad won't be reading this. It was him who I had to ask for locks on my door when I was fourteen. And while I'm sure he had a pretty good idea why, I don't need him knowing the gory details.

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