Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Maxine The Vampire Slayer

They were running every test known to man on my four year old daughter Max, because they do that with the wee ones, just to stay ahead of anything that might be going screwy. They needed a good amount of blood and when you're tiny you don't give too much blood at once. So, we arranged three visits in three days, with a sticker and a lollipop and the end of each.

Max did pretty well on visit one, sitting on mommy's lap. Visit two was a bit more of a fight. Visit three she was over it and resisted hard.

When the phlebotomist stuck the needle in her right arm and wasn't able to get any blood they announced they'd have to switch arms. Well Max wasn't having it. "YOU SAID THREE! YOU SAID THREE TIMES NOT FOUR!" and of course she was right. But her parents, traitors that we are, said "Come on Max, we're already here, lets get it done and you won't have to come back."

My wife had Max on her lap, was holding both of her hands, and had a leg wrapped around the front blocking Max's feet. The kid was secured like Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, she is also as crafty. One phlebotomist having already failed moved aside and another leaned in to try and draw the blood. She leaned over and my sweet daughter saw her opportunity; she headbutted the lab-coat clad lady in the face. Lab-coat had seen it coming and pulled back avoiding any real damage. I said, "Max, NO!" Ignoring me completely Max looked her enemy in the eye and said very clearly, "I will punch you in the face!" and when the vampire went back to trying to place the needle, Max said, "If you put that needle in my arm I will punch it out!"

At the time I was shocked and worried, but the more I thought about the less concerned I was. It was an extreme situation. They HAD in fact made a deal and reneged on it, and it's nice to know my kid can take care of herself. That headbutt was kind of beautiful really.

To put it more succinctly, yes, my daughter did headbutt a phlebotomist, but the fiend was trying to stab her!

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