I'm trying to decide how interested I am in continuing to do stand up comedy. I'll be taking a three month break while I work on ICBINC's next show so it's a good time to see if I miss it. Here's some of the shtick I've done onstage. It's of course funnier when I read it then when you read it, cuz you're timing sucks. Enjoy.
"Do you think plastic surgeons recognize eating disorders as 'The Competition?' "
"The hardest part about being an atheist? What do I say when someone sneezes? 'Ah Choo.' 'Oh, uh, hey listen, there's no god, so you should probably go wash your hands now.' "
"I'm the white comedian tonight. I didn't draw the short straw or anything, I'm just good at it. I got it down. In fact just before I came out here I was back stage oppressing the other comedians. Yeah, and twice today I used the word Yo completely out of context."
"Science can be fun. It's known that a cat falling less than seven stories is more likely to get hurt than a cat falling more than seven stories, even up to 20 plus stories. Think of the experimenting that gave us this information. Science can be fun."
"It's true the headliner tonight is Indian, and the opener is black, and this club is owned by a Mexican, but you can all relax. There's also three white guys on the bill so we're still the majority, and one of us is running the show. So you see, it's just the kind of diversity us liberals love."
"Why do you guys applaude when someone says they just had a baby? What are you applauding? The condom broke. Someone drank too much. She forgot the pill. Don't applaud that. I've been having sex for more than a decade. No kids. Applaud that! Six billion people on the planet and your applauding the biggest mistake this guy's ever made!"
"I went to catholic school. Nobody ever tried to molest me. . . Do you think I'm pretty?"
"Ask someone why they hate homos and they'll tell you, 'It goes against nature.' I find this dedication to nature perplexing. These are generally not Greenpeace supporters.
But, look at the centerfolds of their magazines and you will see "turn on's include long walks on the beach, honesty and nature." So, either we're a country of men who love nature, or we just love girls with great big fake tits who love nature."
"There is a feminist cigarette?!? How does that work? 'Here, put this phallic symbol in you mouth, suck on it, and die. . . Sister.' "
"Why do they have these milk programs at all the inner city schools? These schools tend to have a-lot of minority students. Are they trying to whiten 'em up? Is Farrakhan in some nice suburb somewhere pushing for a chocolate milk program? When I was in school, I didn't understand what race was, I just knew the mexican kids had little pink cards that let them get free milk. And if traded a couple of my dad's cigarettes for a pink card, I could be a mexican too!"
"Workin' in a pet store was great. Where else is it appropriate to discuss lactating bitches in heat with old ladies. "