RockAss.net / AtheistComedian.com

Facebook Comment Lameness

2012-02-02T12:46:00.000-08:00

Please, let me help you help me not be annoyed when reading comments on facebook. The following are comments which suck and you should stop making them immediately. Please, use the comment section here to share your FB comment pet peeves.

Why Is Anyone Surprised?
Um... do you just assume that anything we share is shared out of surprise? I didn't type WOAH! I didn't say, HOLY BAT TURDS, ROBIN! I just posted a link about some shit that happened, thought we might discuss it. Maybe you have a quota of comments to make per hour and that one fills the bill without having to actually read the post your commenting on? When I post and someone doesn't comment "Why Are You Surprised?" I'm surprised.

Sheople, Robots, End of The World, Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Look, I'm not even gonna bash you for liking RP, but come on man, (and yes, if you like Ron Paul you're almost for sure a man, and white) we're talking about The Lord of The Rings. Why, why, why do you have to comment on EVERY fucking post about how we're all sheople and robots marching to our doom? If you changed your name on Facebook to include a pro Paul statement, please wait until I post something about Paul before you talk to me. (Okay, so I did bash on you a little bit.)

Fuckin' Hipsters
Hatin' hipsters is so hip that hipster haters must now hate themselves which will hopefully result in mass suicides cutting down on overpopulation and ending the whole hipster hating trend. From what I see hipsters are fun, creative, sometimes silly people who are way less concerned with you than you are with them. I like 'em.

Google it!
No, I'm not going to do your research to prove your point. YOU google it and then quote your sources when you find 'em. Google is not a source. Vote for Ron Paul.

If you don't like it then just don't watch/listen to/buy it
If you don't like me reviewing things, particularly things which failed to impress me, why not take your own advice and stop reading?

I'll pray for you, Want a hamburger
Telling atheists you'll pray for 'em and offering vegans a hamburger isn't offensive or edgy it's just really, really played out and boring. My brother Erick has been offering me a hamburger for twenty years now, that shit is tired. (Except when you do it bro, HILARIOUS!)

Who Cares?
Take a guess. If you guessed, I do and thats why I posted this, you are correct. Also would have accepted, The Other Commenters and thats why they are discussing it. But thank you for letting us know that you don't care because we care whether or not you care. Take care.

Hello 2009
Oh, you mean you knew about this band three years ago? Shit, sorry, I'll stop listening to them immediately and will refrain from enjoying them until they're old enough to be retro and then I'll rush to enjoy 'em as quickly as possible before their revival also becomes passe.

Vote For Ron Paul, Wanna Hamburger, Why are you Surprised, etc?
Yes, someone is reading this list right now and getting all excited about hitting the comment button and doing one or more or all of the things that I am complaining about because that is hilarious, oh so fucking hilarious. It makes me wish I'd written a post about how much I hate when people put their head in an oven with the pilot light out and the gas on high.

Arguing with Libertarians About Apples

2012-01-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

"I would like to ask you to answer this question with yes or no: "If If I pick apples and somebody comes and takes more than half (roughly 65% in my country) to help somebody else, is this ethical?"

How many apples are you picking? Are you being a greedy pig and picking so many apples that the rest of us are like, What the fuck? Where'd the apples go? Are you then selling your apples for prices that most of us can't afford and even throwing away some excess apples because you make more money selling a few at high prices than you would by selling all of them for a reasonable price and you can't give away the extras lest you devalue your apples which as I've said are now CRAZY valuable because such a small minority control the apple market?

Is that whats happening? Because in that case my answer is YES. Totally ethical.

Atheist Church Seeking Producer

2012-01-19T10:04:00.000-08:00

I'm looking for someone to help me produce Atheist Church. I have over 5,000 youtube subscribers but I'm not having time to keep up with what was a weekly show for the first two years.
I have a nice camera, a Cannon GL2, though unfortunately it does use MiniDV tapes where I'd prefer to go digital.

What I'm looking for is someone to operate the camera, help edit and upload and someone with the technical know how to help me record Skype interviews with atheists of interest around the globe and to do live video chats as well.

What I can offer is a share in the youtube ad revenue, which at the moment is not much but I feel very strongly that it could be much more. And of course you'd be fully credited.

I got off to a great start doing just an amateur vlog type thing but I think we can take this think up a notch and really make it into something special.

The Black Out

2012-01-19T08:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went 24 hours without the Internet in support of the Black Out to protest SOPA. It was an amazing thing to be part of with major websites like Wikipedia and Craigslist going dark for the day and even Google giving a nod of support. I kept notes throughout the day.

6am: Phone alarm woke me up and I immediately reached for phone so that I could look at google news while doing my important morning business in the bathroom, then I remembered no Internet today.
Looked at phone again, saw green blinking light indicating I had new messages on GMail, was reaching to check, oh wait, no Internet today.
Looked at the time, I’d been awake for less than 5 minutes. I’d reached for the Internet twice.

7:40am Peaked at newsstands on my walk to work, Newsstands were empty. Dammit.
Thought about texting comedian friends who I knew would be sleeping. Seemed like it would be funny and would give me some of the human interaction and idle chatter that normally fills my day.

8:10am Muscle memory wants to type or touch a screen. I decide to play bejeweled. It’s on my phone already, no internet. I open it up and realize it’s a conduit for advertising… from the internet. That’s why its free. No Bejeweled.

8:30am Thinking about how to get to my 1st appt. of the day. No Google maps. Does phone GPS use internet? I know it uses satellite but I’m not sure if it utilized the internet or not. I wish I could look it up. I’d ask my friend Ian. He knows about this kind of thing… but the only contact I have for Ian is via Facebook or email.

8:35am Radio would be nice. I don’t have one at work. Normally I listen via the internet. Can’t wait to go to appt. so I can listen to the news in my truck. I’m sure they use the internet in many ways to broadcast but I will just be listening via an old fashioned antenna.

8:45 I find some music saved on my hard drive. My goddamn Windows Media Player won’t play it unless I update which involves using the internet. I’d use a different player but I don’t have one on this computer and to download one WOULD INVOLVE USING THE FUCKING INTERNET. MY BOSS IS WALKING AROUND SINGING SMASHING PUMPKINS AND NOT EVEN GOOD SMASHING PUMPKINS BUT SHIT OFF OF MELON CHOLLY AND THE INFINITE SADNESS OR WHATEVER THEIR DOUBLE ALBUM OF WHINY BULLSHIT IS CALLED! Damn, I hope SOPA don’t pass. I don’t want this suffering to be in vain. Sure, you think I’m being melodramatic. I’ll record my boss singing, then we’ll see who is being melodramatic.

Texted comedian friend Johnny Taylor. “I miss the internet” “Entertain me monkey” “First read me the news” “Then sing me my favorite songs” It’s been five minutes and he has not replied.

I want to go on Facebook just to see who is on Facebook though I wouldn’t be able to call them out for being on facebook lest I reveal I also am on Facebook so I’ll just stay off of Facebook. I remember opening my eyes during church prayer to see who else had opened their eyes during church prayer. I think this is how atheists find each other at church. WAIT! Have we left the internet to the conservatives for 24 hours? Good thing they don’t really understand it that well or that might be a problem.

8:50 Am I NON-Live Tweeting the BlackOut? Can’t wait to blog this, but I will.
Johnny Taylor must still be sleeping. Asshole.
Johnny texted back: What did we do before the internet?
Me “I don’t remember.” “Was there something called sex?” “That’d be hilarious if a new population explosion starts today.” “”I guess we’ll see in 9 months”
Johnny: “I’m not familiar with this sex of which you speak”

8:55am I wonder if criminal types will take advantage of a large number of people being offline?
Text from Johnny: “I already forgot about the blackout and checked my facebook. I’m terrible at protesting”
Me: “What did you see? What’s going on? Tell me everything?!” “Any hot girls post new profile pics?”
Johnny: “I got poked by a couple of people. My old friend Sam Starks sent me a message. People are talking SOPA and the reddit and Wikipedia blackouts. Laura Kimball posted about it.” “I think so. Its bound to happen.”

9:10am
Me to Conservative Boss: So what do you think of this black out thing?
Boss: Why are they doing it?
Me: There are bills in congress that would give Washington power to censor the internet.
Boss (Sarcastically): Oh, who did that? Bush?
Me: Dude, I don’t blame everything on Bush nor do I think Obama is anywhere near perfect, but Obama has come actually out against it.
Boss: Then why worry? He’ll just veto it.
Me: Can’t take that chance, and fuck congress for even considering it.
Boss: Why don’t you just do what Obama does and blame Bush?
Me: I haven’t heard him blame Bush for anything that Bush didn’t actually do. Bush did crash this car.
Boss: But he didn’t total it.
OH MAN, I’m talking to my boss. That’s not a good idea. How desperate am I? Goddamn I need you internet!!! Calgon.com take me away! (That’s a joke for old people. Even older than me.)
Remembered I have a CD that Kepi Ghoulie gave me. Oh thank you Kepi!
Singing along: “She’s got a brain scramblin’ device and I feel it in my he-e-ead…”

9:22 Thought about sending Kepi a note to tell him how much I’m digging this album… then I remembered. I’ll send him a note tomorrow.

12:25 Went out, listened to radio, NPR, was excited to hear the black out mentioned Got interested in a story on the West Memphis 3, had to sit in truck to hear it since I wouldn’t be able to pull it up on the computer.
Phone keeps telling me I have emails. Should’ve turned that off yesterday. I keep thinking about what emails I might have. Is a festival writing to tell me I got in? Is someone offering me a last minute booking that they need filled right away? Is Conan O’Brien writing to ask if I can come do his show and maybe hang out, go to Disneyland, do some writing? Most likely I’m just getting spam emails from progressive lists I subscribe to telling me about the black out.

I hope tonight’s show does well. I don’t know how important “day of” reminders are. We’ll see. Super impressed with Wikipedia. I think a small donation to them will be one of the first things I do when I get back online. I’ve been meaning to send them a few bucks for awhile but they really stepped up on this one.

12:45: Listening to Phenonomnauts CD given to me by the band when we did an atheist event together. Ah CDs, will anyone romanticize them the way tapes and records are romanticized? The overlap between pining for records, and CDs starting towards obsolescence may be enough to push them into the dustbin of history without a lot poetry being written on their behalf. Enjoying the Phenomonauts. I hope I remember to drop ‘em a line tomorrow.

Maybe I should make a “to do” list for tomorrow? Maybe I should write it on a sheet of tree pulp like in the old days. I’ll need to find one of those ink straws.

1:29 Oh Jesus H. Christ office life is boring without the internet. I always say that the internet was the death of American productivity but maybe it actually makes sitting at a desk all day tolerable. I AM SO BORED I MAY HAVE TO PLAY MINESWEEPER!

1:40 I got down to 75 seconds on Minesweeper. I think that’s gonna have to do.

1:44: Maybe I can shave a few more seconds off my score.

1:49: Minesweeper 35 seconds. If I ever do this again I’m making arrangements for music.

2:57 Minesweeper 24 seconds

3:05 I got the Velvet Underground to play through Spotify. Spotify is probably accessing the internet but the files it’s playing for me are stored locally on my machine and I’m not looking at the Spotify player. Cheating? Probably.

6:19pm Text from my brother “They are giving out free boobs on the internet quick go on”
Me: “liar”
Brother: “Whatever I am literally surrounded by boobs”

7:30 The venue is empty except for comics. Seriously, is a day of post on Facebook that important?

8:00 Crowded room, nice. Audience was just late. Who needs you internet?! The night’s headliner Jason Resler makes a few comments on the black out. I think that most of the crowd has no idea what he’s talking about.

10:15pm, I try to rationalize that I got offline more than 24 hours ago so its okay to take a peak at my email and facebook before turning in. I decide that having one full day, one full waking cycle, without the internet is good for me. Its more of a personal thing at this point. Off to bed.

1/19/12 6am INTERNET!!! OH INTERNET! I’VE MISSED YOU SO! What wonders do you have for me today? Hmmmm. Kind of boring. Oh well, Pandora, play me some music. Hang on Spotify, I’ll get to you…

Oh yeah, and Fuck You SOPA!

Don G, Douche

2011-12-29T08:16:00.000-08:00

Looks like Don G got some press from The News and Review. Congrats Don. "Geronimo out-douched the douches" http://www.newsreview.com/sacramento/whats-up-grinches/content?oid=4715847

Religion in School Animated Typography Video

2011-12-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

Jack Bensinger contacted me saying that he was a fan of my comedy and wanting to use some audio of me for a school project. This is that project. I hope he got an A+, I love it!
My other fans are gonna need to step up their game.

SF Sketchfest

2011-11-22T12:47:00.000-08:00

I have been invited to perform at the 2012 San Francisco Sketchfest, one of the coolest comedy festivals in the country and I couldn't be more excited. I'm booked for three shows at the fest.

I'm performing on January 20th on The Stand Up Showcase at The Purple Onion.

On January 27th and 28th I'm hosting the Myq Kaplan and Sheng Wang show at The SF Punch Line!

See my calendar on the right of this site for specifics (Double click on the date you want more info. on)

Reviews for Cats Made of Rabbits

2011-11-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

I'm very pleased, stoked even, with the reviews for Cats Made of Rabbits so far. Its nerve wracking when you finish a project and send it out and then you wait, at the mercy of the critics. One of the first responses I got was a text from Mark S. Allen of Mark at The Movies saying it was "Brilliant" and "F@(*ing Fabulous". This had me feeling confident as I waited for more feedback. Here are some highlights with links to the articles. You can buy the album or DVD here: Amazon.com or at KLJShop.com, iTunes and lots of other places.

"4 STARS!"
TimeOut New York

"Cats Made of Rabbits is every bit as deserving of your laughter as one by Jim Gaffigan or Louis C.K."
www.justpressplay.net

"The best part of Jensen’s “Cats Made of Rabbits” was his take on duck vaginas. His transition into the unusual subject was classic. And in trademark Jensen style, the crowd gets to learn from him about something they never thought they would hear at a comedy show."
AmericasComedy.com

"a fun and funny DVD that is well worth watching"
Mass Movement Magazine, UK

"covering job hunting, marijuana legalization and a wonderful atheist knock-knock joke there is some genuinely entertaining material here"
DVDTalk.com

"Jensen’s act is at its strongest when he is weaving stories down bizarre pathways"
TheCelebrityCafe.com

"Jensen is an engaging personality and, while edgy and – for the narrow-minded – offensive, he’s not abrasive. He’s genial and friendly and draws you in with his understated style. And, he’ll make you laugh. Out loud."
Corazine

"The way he describes his own homophobia is hysterical"
FFanzeen

"don't let the "atheist" tag fool you, as Lowell Jensen has much more to offer than just that"
GoatsEnd

"one might get the idea that Jensen is really weird"
Sacramento News and Review

"very funny, original, and sometimes daring"
www.theseriouscomedysite.com

Why Lie? I Need a Drink, watch it free right here

2011-10-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

My documentary film, Why Lie? I Need a Drink has been reissued as part of Double Plus Good, a box set along with my 2009 comedy album To The Moon. The distributor has decided to put the film on youtube in its entirety. Enjoy.

Click here to buy the box set Double Plus Good.

Four Stars from Time Out New York!

2011-10-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

I'll put a full list of reviews soon, but today I'm all excited about this:
http://newyork.timeout.com/music-nightlife/comedy/2070785/ha-ha-at-home

"Jensen is someone who stands out in a regular-guy-in-beige-corduroy kind of way. His “dry dreams” of dendrophilia—that’s having sex with trees—might sound weird, but his language and delivery get the laughs before anyone considers the WTF factor."

They gave me the same number or stars they gave Patton Oswalt and one more than Doug Benson got! Wow!

Here's another great review from Just Press Play: http://www.justpressplay.net/articles/8608-make-em-laugh-keith-lowell-jensens-qcats-made-of-rabbitsq.html

You can buy Cats Made of Rabbits on DVD, CD or MP3 from Amazon by clicking here.

And you can get my first CD, To The Moon from Amazon also, click here.

Seasons

2011-10-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

When I was little the four seasons were:
Fireworks season, Trick or Treat season, Presents season, and Chocolate Bunny season.

As I got older it became:
Girls riding bikes wearing tiny shorts season, girls in short skirts, leggings and tight sweaters season, girls in skin tight jeans and boots season, and girls in little dresses with bare legs season.

Now that I have a daughter its:
Relive fireworks, trick or treating, presents, and chocolate bunny happiness through my daughter's eyes.

But I dread that soon it will be:
Daughter wants to ride bike in little shorts season, daughter trying to sneak out in tiny skirt, leggings and tight sweater season, daughters jeans too tight season, and wife takes daughter's side in little dress debate season.

Upskirt Heaven

2011-10-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

By: Keith Lowell Jensen
Art: Bill Cleveland

Photo Quote

2011-09-29T11:35:00.001-07:00

My full length DVD on Youtube? For FREE?

2011-09-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

The distributors of my new album and DVD Cats Made of Rabbits have the radical idea that we should give the product away for free! It's not that uncommon these days actually though it kind of freaks me out. But, I work with them because I believe that they know what they're doing. It'd be silly of me to stand in their way as they do what they came on board to do. So, here you go dear comedy fans... Cats Made of Rabbits, all 75 minutes of it. Enjoy:

Ladies and Gentlemen... The Cars

2011-09-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

Art: Bill Cleveland
Writer: Keith Lowell Jensen

When I'm Rich!

2011-09-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

I love comics. Always thought I'd grow up to be involved in comics. I created comics in Junior High. I read mostly graphic novels these days, so much so that when my wife got my daughter Art Spiegelman's kids comic "Jack and The Box" my little girl was mostly excited that she was reading a real "comic book like daddy!" and always refers to it as "The comic book for babies."

I could draw pretty well as a kid but I didn't keep my chops up and whenever I'm tempted to get back into it I think "Great, just what you need, one more thing keeping your insanely busy life insanely busy." SO.... I hit up some friends who hit up some friends and then comic book super star Jeffrey Brown introduced me to Bill Cleveland, a friend of his whose art he admired and thought would be compatible with my sense of humor and voila.... COMIC!!!!

Click to enlarge
Art by Bill Cleveland, written by Keith Lowell Jensen

Look for more in coming weeks!

On Amazon and iTunes Now!

2011-09-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

NOW ON TOUR. CLICK HERE FOR DATES!

My album, two years in the making, is finally and at least unleashed on the public. I don't have a big label or lots of advertising dollars behind it so I'm getting the word out by blogging, youtubing, facebooking, tweeting and bugging my friends. If you buy one comedy album by a Sacramento based atheist comedian this year, I hope it's this one.
And I hope that you will help spread the word. Please, tell a friend, tweet, share on FB and Google+ and if we make this the little indy album that could I promise to personally arrange a cocaine and Twinkies(c) party for you with the celebrity of your choice.

It is available today at iTunes:
http://itunes.apple.com/album/cats-made-of-rabbits/id462911284?l=ja&v0=9988&ign-mpt=uo%3D1

And if you like a physical copy of it, it's also up at Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/Cats-Rabbits-Keith-Lowell-Jensen/dp/B0058OKQX4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1315931453&sr=8-2

In two weeks the DVD comes out. It can be purchased now at Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/Lowell-Jensen-Keith-Cats-Rabbits/dp/B0058OR3OY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315931453&sr=8-1

Here is a video trailer:

Cats Made of Rabbits, Comedy DVD / CD

2011-09-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Buy Keith Lowell Jensen's Cats Made of Rabbits at Amazon, iTunes or at KLJShop.com.
The Perfect Christmas gift for atheists, comedy fans, or conservatives you want to piss off.

"4 STARS!"
TimeOut New York

"Cats Made of Rabbits is every bit as deserving of your laughter as one by Jim Gaffigan or Louis C.K."
www.justpressplay.net

"a fun and funny DVD that is well worth watching"
Mass Movement Magazine, UK

"covering job hunting, marijuana legalization and a wonderful atheist knock-knock joke there is some genuinely entertaining material here"
DVDTalk.com

"Jensen’s act is at its strongest when he is weaving stories down bizarre pathways"
TheCelebrityCafe.com

"Jensen is an engaging personality and, while edgy and – for the narrow-minded – offensive, he’s not abrasive. He’s genial and friendly and draws you in with his understated style. And, he’ll make you laugh. Out loud."
Corazine

"don't let the "atheist" tag fool you, as Lowell Jensen has much more to offer than just that"
GoatsEnd

"one might get the idea that Jensen is really weird"
Sacramento News and Review

"very funny, original, and sometimes daring"
www.theseriouscomedysite.com

September 11th

2011-09-11T14:33:00.001-07:00

Max and Max email exchange

2011-09-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

My 22 month old daughter Maxine got an email from Max, a cat that lives on my friend Brett's porch in Portland. I don't know who did the typing for cat Max, but I took dictation for my Max, and I typed her response exactly as it came from her mouth. Here is their exchange:

Hi Max

My name is Max to. I heard about you from one of your of your Dad's friend and when I found out we had the same name I wanted to write you to see if we could be friends. I live in Portland Oregon. Where do you live? I like to chase bugs, eat flowers and poop in the bushes. Do you like to chase bugs, eat flowers and poop in the bushes?

Hope to hear from you soon

Your friend
the other Max

Hi kitty cat, would I like to pet the kitty cat? Yes! Max pet the kitty cat.
I live in San Francisco in a house.
Kitty cat Max likes to poop in the bushes. Flowers, poop in the garden and poop in the bushes, poop in the bushes and I poop in the bushes, chase bugs.
Goodbye Kitty Cat!
Your friend,
Max

Riot In The Streets

2011-09-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

There are times when I feel compelled to riot in the streets. When they just push a little too far and it seems appropriate to riot in the streets. I imagine that many others around me feel the same but none of us know how to start rioting in the streets.

I'm gripped by fear. You see, one time, my dad took me to see The Rolling Stones. Keith Richards did a pretty bad ass solo and so I jumped up to give him his standing o. I figured we'd all be jumping, you know, for Keith. Over 60,000 people stayed seated and I was standing all by myself. I was stuck standing too because now I had to play it off like I didn't care, like they were the ones, all 60,000 plus of them, who should be embarassed, not me. I was giving Keith his due. It was a pretty damn fine solo.

I don't want to get caught out rioting in a crowd full of lame assholes who just sit on their asses. I'd get arrested for throwing a can through a window like Mookie in Do The Right Thing, only I'd be all by myself and the cops would just arrest me for vandalism. They wouldn't put Rioting In The Streets on my arrest record nor on my little plastic jail bracelet. I'd have to explain to the judge, "No your honor, I was rioting. Yeah, just by myself, sort of a solo riot. No, I thought there'd be others but no, not so much. Just me. Yes, your honor, I have learned my lesson. Next time I will have a planning committee and I'll check out the permitting process. Your honor, I think I know where I really blew it. I put some Nilsson on the boom box and nobody is going to riot to Nilsson. I really should've put on The Clash or maybe some Public Enemy. Yes your honor, Rage would be a good choice. Thanks for the tip."
So, anyone feel like rioting in the street?

Bros Before Hoes? Tweekers Before Huffers?

2011-09-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

This was taped at The Throckmorton Theatre in August. I was on the bill with Nick Aragon, Mark Pitta, Dana Carvey and Robin Williams.

Please, buy this DVD or CD now!

2011-09-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

My CD comes out in a week! Please pre-order it and tell a friend. The more presales we have when the release hits the harder Amazon will push it. It takes a good grass roots push and momentum to get an indy release noticed. I want to make this that indy release! Click anywhere on the image above to go the page at Amazon.

And for my DVD, which comes out just two week after the CD click on this image. Thanks!

Atheist Church; Meet Mr. Lizard

2011-09-04T13:07:00.001-07:00

While I was in Portland for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival I stayed with my friends Christy and Bret and their many scaled roommates. Being kept away by tortoise sex is one of the more unusual reasons for me showing up to a gig tired.

A really nice comment left on my Youtube Channel

2011-09-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

Keith,
Sometime ago you asked me to compare and contrast your two albums, or at least you wanted a fans honest opinion on which is better. Honestly, I like them both, just for different reasons. TO THE MOON seems to cover more topics, while CATS MADE OUT OF RABBITS has longer stories. Both have an equal amount of favorite bits, moments of sheer comedic brilliance, and more than one bit that I can totally relate to.

Now I see you're talking about album #3, and I can't wait to hear it and compare all three.

My youtube channel is: http://www.youtube.com/user/klfly

Tour Dates

2011-08-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

Tour Dates
Sept 18, Los Angeles, The Improv Lab 8:30pm
With Eric Cash and Andy Wood.
Sept 22, Chico, The Blue Room Theatre, 9:30pm
With John Ross
Sept 23, Sacramento - Sacramento Comedy Spot, 8pm
With Nick Aragon, Nick Pettigrew, Josh Barbee
Sept 24, San Francisco - The Dark Room Theatre, 10pm
With Trevor Hill, Joe Gorman, Johnny Taylor

October 2, Santa Cruz - The Crow's Nest, 9pm
With Trevor Hill
October 3, Berkeley -Marga's Funny Mondays The Marsh, 8pm
With Marga Gomez and friends
October 15th, Portland, Curious Comedy Theater, 10pm
With Trevor Hill
October 16th, Seattle, The Comedy Underground, 8pm
With Derek Sheen, Emmett Montgomery, Trevor Hill

Elf Orgies and Porn Star Pals

2011-08-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

I have shingles. That sucks. But oh well, in the last month I've received raves about my comedy from Mark S. Allen, from The Creators of ElfQuest (my favorite comic when I was kid, still one of my favorites) and a progressive, feminist, porn star. I've performed with Dana Carvey and Robin Williams, in the same night. Shingles shmingles, Life is Good!

Stand Up about Libya

2011-08-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

I got to open for Dana Carvey AND Robin Williams on Tuesday. Stoked. Here is a clip from my set...

New Poster

2011-08-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

Biography

2011-08-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

I had to work with my label and publicist to come up with a bio. Nothing like writing a glowing version of your own life to make you feel even more like a self obsessed ego-maniac than usual. I wished they'd have titled it, Keith Lowell Jensen; Non Gay!

Keith Lowell Jensen has found a very unique niche in comedy. He is the non-pot smoker that performs at pro-marijuana legalization benefits. He is the straight host of The Gay and Lesbian Comedy Show. He is the non-disabled founder and sometimes host of The Comedians With Disabilities Act, and he is the atheist member of the multi-faith comedy show about religion, The Coexist? Comedy Tour. Yes, Keith Lowell Jensen the Non-Pot Smoker, Non-Gay, Non-Religious, Non-Disabled comedian has become a professional token.

Starting in comedy at ten years of age when he entered a talent show with a ventriloquist act and some old Abbott and Costello routines, Jensen found that school got in his way so, as soon as he was able, he dropped out and took a gig as the only non-animated entertainer on Spike and Mike's Festival of Animation. As emcee for this wild film festival Jensen toured throughout the US and Canada. Since settling back down in California the comic has produced an indie documentary on panhandling, Why Lie? I Need A Drink, which landed him a spot as a panhandling expert on Spike TV. He then appeared on Lopez Tonight where he had his Chris Rock impersonation judged by Rock himself.

This past April Jensen performed three sets at The Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, OR. He continues to tour ceaselessly, performing just in the last year with Norm Macdonald, Robin Williams, Doug Stanhope and Will Durst. And in the midst of all that Jensen has managed to publish a book of short stories, record two comedy albums and a comedy DVD.

This oddball comedian is not exactly a well kept secret. He has been written about in the pages of The Washington Post who raved “A work of Demented Genius”, and The LA Times featured his Coexist? Comedy Tour on the front page of their entertainment section. ABC Radio Los Angeles interviewed Jensen about his panhandling escapades and he is a regular guest on NPR affiliate station Capital Public Radio. Keith Lowell Jensen's sophomore comedy CD and 1st DVD is Cats Made of Rabbits.

Taped before a sold out audience at an independent comedy club in Sacramento California, Cats is a schizophrenic trip (a critic once praised/critiqued Jensen for having "Trouble sticking to any one topic") through personal stories, political observations and dreamland flights of fancy. Tales of having his first child segue into his unique view of homophobia as a legitimate psychological malady, a reasonable explanation for the paranoia supposedly induced by marijuana and perhaps the most obscene yet still scientific argument against creationism ever conjured. It all ends with an interesting look at just how we evaluate animals as friends or food or darling truck stop novelties.

Trailer for Cats Made of Rabbits DVD

2011-08-05T15:35:00.001-07:00

On sale now at KLJShop.com

Ha Ha Hurl

2011-08-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

This old clip of mine just received this comment on Youtube:
"I laughed so hard my face hurts and I nearly vomited."
New Goal: I want to make someone vomit!!!

Tour Schedule, coming to see you!

2011-08-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

So, I'm heading out on a small West Coast Tour this September and October to support the release of Cats Made of Rabbits on CD and DVD, schedule to follow...

You can help. The easiest and best way to help is of course to come see me. Yeah! Do that. But I also would like to hear from anyone who can recommend blogs, zines, college or public radio shows that are friendly to independent type artists. I have a publicist and he knows how to go after the bigger fish, but it's the small, local folks that I tend to vibe the best with.

And, I'm very eager to work with any local Humanist, atheist, Free Thinker groups.

Tour Dates
Sept 18, Los Angeles, The Improv Lab 8:30pm
With Eric Cash and Andy Wood.
Sept 22, Chico, The Blue Room Theatre, 9:30pm
With John Ross
Sept 23, Sacramento - Sacramento Comedy Spot, 8pm
With Nick Aragon, Nick Pettigrew, Josh Barbee
Sept 24, San Francisco - The Dark Room Theatre, 10pm
With Trevor Hill
Sept 25, Santa Cruz - The Crow's Nest, 9pm
With Trevor Hill

October 15th, Portland, Curious Comedy Theater, 10pm
With Trevor Hill
October 16th, Seattle, The Comedy Underground, 8pm
With Derek Sheen, Emmett Montgomery, Trevor Hill

Nilsson Shmilsson indeed

2011-07-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

In a 2010 Rolling Stone Jenny Lewis gave her ten song playlist of 70's California rock. Fantastic playlist featuring many cool acts I'd not heard before like the awesome JJ Cale. The song that most grabbed me though was Me and My Arrow by Nilsson. I'd heard this song sampled by Blackalicious on their album NIA, but I had no idea where they'd gotten the sample from. I was in love and decided that Nilsson, who I'd previously, mistakenly disregarded as a bit of a novelty act, deserved to be re-examined. That was a couple of weeks ago. I've listend to nothing but Nilsson since.

Wow. Amazing voice, wonderful lyrics, the whole package. No wonder both John Lennon and Paul McCartney referred to him as their favorite American artist. There is a documentary on him that is pretty cool called Who Is Harry Nilsson (and why is everybody talking about him.) It's currently streaming on Netflix.

My one problem with the doc and with many of the people interviewed for it is how they seems to dismiss his work after Pussy Cats, the 1974 album he made with John Lennon where he blew out his voice, altering it permanently and greatly reducing his range. This was not the end. On the records that followed he was more experimental than ever, which in his case is really saying something, and like the Rick Rubin produced Johnny Cash albums a voice with some wear and tear can be used to great dramatic effect.

here is a play list of some of my favorite Nilsson songs. It was hard to choose, and I too lean heavily toward his older stuff but it's because I'm only in the last few days cracking into the later albums. I did include the wonderful tune Tango which is from Sandman, layed down a few years after he sacrificed his vocal chords at the alter of rock and roll. Nice that the tune starts with "Deep down in my soul, I hate rock and roll."
Enjoy:

Pinis Give Props!

2011-07-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

A while back I posted about a certain issue of the comic Elfquest that, um, well, inspired me as a teenager. You can read that post here if I'm being too subtle for you. http://t.co/XIWxtZm

Last night I was THRILLED to get an email from the creators of Elfquest:

"ROFL doesn't begin to cover our reaction to your blog (May 25) about the infamous elf orgy in issue #17 of the original run of Elfquest."

I made my childhood heroes ROFL. That's awesome.

AFA Action Alert Alert

2011-07-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

After this helpful AFA Action Alert told me how cool Home Depot is I decided I'd take their advice and write Chairman Frank Blake a letter. I used their letter as a template but did not use their online form, as I don't trust them so I emailed it from my own account. I'm also calling Home Depot, again at their advice: Home Depot's corporate phone number is 770-433-8211.

Email: consumeraffairs@homedepot.com
Subject: Thank You for Supporting Equal Rights, Diversity, and Tolerance

Dear Chairman Blake:

Your company's financial support of gay pride parades is exciting and encouraging to me.

However, Home Depot's decision to also include children's activities at these events is the best.

Gay pride events are known for their frequent displays of diversity and acceptance. By offering craft workshops specifically designed for children, Home Depot is encouraging their attendance.

Thus, they will likely be exposed to healthy environments. Good job!

I'm imploring you to continue putting the safety and well-being of our country first. Please continue supporting and participating in these kinds of events.

Sincerely,
Keith Lowell Jensen
Sacramento, CA
Zipcode: 95818

Bill Maher Is Coming To Sacramento

2011-07-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

Who can NAME his show Politically Incorrect and still manage to get cancelled for being politically incorrect? That's our Bill Maher, and I love him, even when I disagree with him which does happen. Seriously Bill, anti-vaccination?

His show being canceled only seemed to push him more to speak his mind honestly and he started carrying the atheist banner loudly, as loudly as anyone with his level of fame, getting his feature documentary Religulous into wide release.

And of course he is back on television with Real Talk, as brazen and outspoken as ever.

I'm super excited that Maher is coming to Sacramento.
The Details:
SacramentoAugust 19th • 8:00 P.M
Sacramento Community Center Theate
http://purchase.tickets.com/buy/TicketPurchase?agency=TDC&pid=7015160

Hittin' The Road

2011-07-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

I'm currently booking my CD/DVD release tour in September and October. I've got dates locked in or almost locked in for Seattle, Chico, Sacramento, San Francisco.
Still working on LA area, maybe San Diego and Portland.
Open to any venues or cities you might suggest.
You can pre-order the DVD and CD here: www.KLJShop.com

The Secret To A Happy Life

2011-07-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

Maybe its' a bit lofty for a comic, a comic with a day job even, but I am confident that I have found it, the key to a happy existence.

You must not lose touch with the ten year old you once were. People try not to grow up because they knew happiness as kids, or at least they think they were happy as kids. This is not what I'm advising at all. This is the path to being someone who is annoying to get stuck talking to at a party. Don't resist being thirty or forty or fifty but enjoy those ages the way the ten year old you would if he or she got to test drive your current life for a day.

Here is my life the way I unfortunately sometimes view it:

I am struggling to make a living as a comedian while working at a horrible day job. I love my wife and my baby but we don't get enough time together and much of the time we get together is spent dealing with the complications of modern working class life. We live in a rented apartment and a small one at that.

But put ten year old Keith behind the wheel:

DUDE, I GET TO DRIVE A CAR!!!
I'm married to a beautiful girl and SHE LETS ME TOUCH HER BOOBS! AND HAVE SEX! AND OTHER STUFF. No I'm not gonna tell you what other stuff, perv. You can buy the book.
And I do comedy and hang out with people like Robin Williams, yeah, FUCKING MORK FROM ORK. FOR REAL!
I have my own place, no parents. I eat what I want, when I want, go to bed when I'm tired. And I have a cute baby and she is super fun to play with. I don't give her spankings or yell at her. And my wife is super fun too and my baby has her own room which is good for when I want to touch my wife's boobs WHICH SHE TOTALLY LETS ME DO!!! UNDER THE SHIRT!!!
I have to go to work. That sucks. Beats the shit out of school though, that's for sure. And I get PAID!
I live in the future too which is crazy. Everybody has computers even portable ones and they are all linked together so you can just watch movies and listen to pretty much any song you can think of anytime you want and I have pen pals all over the world.
Yeah, life is rad.

You see how that works? Sorry ten year old me is such a potty mouth.

But... it's the Violent Femmes

2011-07-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

That thing in the picture. That's a cassette tape.

Now, in the year 2011, I have a cassette player in my car.

I have a cassette player and AM/FM, no more.

I was thinking about that and remembering a time when I was a kid and I took great delight in ridiculing this thirty-something guy with a perm and lots of tight, faded concert shirts as he rocked out to his eight track player.

"Oh No!" I wondered "Have I become that guy, that cheesy walking anachronism?"

I try to defend myself to myself by saying, "But it's the Violent Femmes. That's pretty hip." and suddenly I can hear his voice crystal clear saying, "But dude, it's Graham Parsons."

The thing that seals the deal, the thing that assure me that I have indeed become he is that now, in hindsight, I realize he was right. Graham Parsons on 8-Track is actually pretty bitchin. Stupid smart mouth kids.

A Breakfast Miracle! Eye of Sauron Appears in Strawberry

2011-07-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

I was just making breakfast. It had been a hard week. The kind of week where one could really use a pick me up from the dark one, but I was willing to settle for sharing some strawberries with my daughter. I was slicing them up, preparing to douse them in non-dairy yogurt (us evil types hate dairy) and lo and behold, I see THE EYE staring up at me. Sauron blessed our breakfast nook with a morning miracle appearing in the strawberry slice on our cutting board!!! I immediately preserved the blessed image for future generations. I expect throngs of pilgrims to arrive shortly. Maybe GoldenPalace.com

will want to buy it, but they'll need to understand I am a deeply religious man meaning I'll require top dollar to part with my miracle strawberry slice!

Guess what I got today...

2011-07-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

No, not herpes*... THIS:

*I really hope NOT herpes.

Steve O Shows Rescheduled for November

2011-07-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

I just got good news, my friend DJ Mervyn and I will be performing with Steve O at Sacamento Punch Line November 17th through 20th.

2011-07-02T21:54:00.001-07:00

The Hopping Wind Up Penis

2011-07-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

Have you been to a bachelor or bachelorette party and seen the hopping wind up penises?

They're made in China, shipped out by the crate.

China knows the trouble we're in economically. They in fact hold much of our debt. They know that we're going broke. The also know that we continue to buy wind up hopping penises.

When we fall, they will believe that it is because we could not control our insatiable appetite for wind up hopping penises.

They will, at least in part, be right.

Homosexuals and runny eggs

2011-06-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

Funny exchange from the comments section on one of my youtube videos:

Although being an Atheist, I am homophobic. I just feel disgusted every time I see two men kissing.
L33tmoaf

@L33tmoaf There is nothing wrong with having a phobia. You are free to feel disgusted, as I am when I see runny eggs. It's when I start trying to stop others from enjoying runny eggs or telling lovers of runny eggs they can't get married that it becomes a problem.
klfly

Working On My Racism

2011-06-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

So I've been working on my racism.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy being anti-racist, as I've been all my life but I realize that it's easy to not be a racist in our times of relative calm and stability (calm and stable where I live at least.) When/if the shit hits the fan people will factionalize right quick and those of us who were raised without being taught proper racist etiquette are gonna be screwed. We won't know what we're doing. I don't want to be caught off guard so I'm working on my racism now.

My racist heroes are my older relatives. They're so racist, they're even racist against other white people. "Oooh I hate those Irish Mick Bastards!" "Um... what are we Uncle Eddy?" "We're Scott-Irish." "Oh, okay. Screw them non-Scott Irish Bastards!" As a kid I told Uncle Eddy that it seemed to me Scott-Irish just meant Irish who decided they didn't like Ireland so they switched sides and became Scottish to which Uncle Eddy replied "Oh, ya want ta be Irish do ya? Ya better find yourself another fookin' uncle." That's awesome. He has a green belt in racism.

I don't want to jump the gun and start being racist before it's time but how do I practice? I've started with Lord of The Rings Racism. Oooh I hate them bastard Orcs. The Elfs are okay I suppose but I don't trust 'em. Hobbits, oh I've no use for the men, but Hobbit chicks are hot. So petite, and they look twenty for like twenty years! But a lot of Hobbit chicks date Orcs. Oh that makes me sick to see a hot Hobbit chick with one of them big, sleek, sexy, dangerous looking Orc bastards!!!!" Anyone else getting uncomfortable?

I hope nobody Trolls this post. (See that? Subtle yes?)

And eat it too...

2011-06-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

Cake, one of my favorite bands, is from Sacramento, just like me and they've come to have a special significance in my life.

I worked with front man John McCrea and original bass player Shon Meckfessel at Greta's Cafe. My girlfriend actually left me and went on a roadtrip with Shon across the states and Europe. At least I get left big. World travel with a rockstar! Shit, I'd leave me too. She left me, Shon left cake. He was replaced by Gabe Nelson, another friend of mine who worked across the street from Greta's. And everyone in Sacramento knows and loves Vince their horn player.

I'm superstitious. I know, I know, a skeptic isn't supposed to be. It's not voluntary and on an intellectual level I resist it, but I can't help it. I'm only human, not that superstition is limited to humans. I'm only pigeon would work just as well if I could manage to grow some wings.

When I was miserably working away as an assistant manager at Petco, Cake would come on the overhead speakers. That was humbling. The guy I used to talk music with while washing dishes was now being played over the speakers while I wore a nametag by day and scrambled to get a few minutes of stage time here and there by night. He'd gone up and I'd taken a step down. It made it hard for me to enjoy listening to them for awhile. I felt frustrated with where I was compared to my old friends and then I felt bad for feeling anything but happiness for their success. I saw firsthand how hard they'd worked for it.

The first time I got to play the Improv in Hollywood, guess what our walk on music was? Yep, the sound man was a huge Cake fan, and their music never sounded as sweet as it did on that sound system in that packed room for a show that I produced and performed in. Ever since then, they've followed me. I'll be walking to a gig and a parked car will be blaring Cake with the windows rolled down. It seems every time I make a forward stride Cake is there to say "Good going Keith." Wow, Thanks Cake. You too. Hope to see you around. Oh, and hey, if you ever want to take a comic on the road... I know one. Um... I should probably add, I'm better at telling jokes than I was at doing dishes.

My Bucket List

2011-06-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

Does it make me more of a pervert or just more honest that most of the items on my bucket list involve my penis?

MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER FOLKS! I meant like

Make sure not to hurt penis while sky diving.
Make sure not to hurt penis while racing motorcycles.
Make sure not to hurt penis while doing lots of weird kinky stuff with penis, some of which may hurt penis.
Have sex with bucket, using my penis.
Visit the Louvre. (I said most.)

How the pee couch got it's name

2011-06-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

ME: Dude, your girlfriend just pissed herself.
Other Comic: What?! No she didn't. She just spilled her beer.
ME: Through her urethra.

Tired of Telling Doctors What I Do For a Living

2011-06-23T08:31:00.001-07:00

Dr: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a nightclub performer.
Dr: Oh yeah. You sing?
Me: No.
Dr: You're a comedian?
Me: No. I go to leather bars and nail my dick to a table for tips.
Dr: ... Your penis doesn't have any scars.
Me: You know magic isn't real right?

Steve O shows postponed

2011-06-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

I was saddened to hear of Ryan Dunn's death this morning.
Not at all surprised to hear that the shows with Steve O at Sacramento Punch Line will be rescheduled. I was pretty sure it would be too much for him to go onstage and clown around this week. It sucks to lose a friend. I'll look forward to working with Steve O down the road.
I'll post the new dates as soon as they are locked down.

I REALLY like Louis CK

2011-06-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

Me: NO, you didn't catch me masturbating to Maxim Mag's 100 Hottest Women. I was reading the Louis CK interview.

Wife: Then why is there lotion?

Me: ... I was masturbating to the Louis CK interview!

(For the record, this conversation never actually happened, but it could've.)
(Also for the record Nikki Minaj and Christina Hendricks were both WAY too low on Maxim's list.)
(Oh, and I honestly don't know why Maxim comes to my house. I didn't subscribe and I find it insulting to the intelligence but I can't resist glossy pictures of pretty ladies or interviews with awesome comedians.)

Management at last?

2011-06-15T11:31:00.001-07:00

Her: So, you live in LA?
Me: No, I just say that on facebook while I shop for managers so they think I live in LA.... oh wait... you're a manager aren't you?
Her: Yes
Me: Yeah. I live in LA.

The above is a real conversation I had with a talent manager who saw me perform in Portland at The Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Yeah, I'm a moron, but apparently a funny one, in the opinion of this manager at any rate. We have a handshake deal but I'll avoid sharing any specifics until we've put a deal on paper. She's smart and friendly and is co-owner of a very cool small management company that has quite an impressive client list, one I will be very flattered to be included on. More news soon. YAY!

Kirk Cameron, Super Genius

2011-06-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

Studies have shown that the higher your IQ the better you're likely to be at estimating your own IQ. So, if you have say, an IQ of 115, you might say "Well, I'm fairly smart but I'm no Stephen Hawking" whereas, if you're a former Growing Pains actor you're more likely to say "Hawking ain't so bright."

Francois Fly

2011-06-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

It's funny to me to see the comedian I've become and how different it is from the kind of comedian I thought I'd be. My heroes were Andy Kaufman, The Unknown Comic, Steve Martin and Emo Philips. I'm now a semi-political, story telling comic. What was I back in the early days? A human fly comic...

Believe it or not it was this very tape that got me my first professional booking, a week at Laughs Unlimited. The headliner, who I'm very sorry to say I've forgotten the name of, was a black guy and when he walked into the green room and saw me with my old grey tux jacket and black make up on my face he said "OH HELL NO!" and turned and walked out of the room, pissed. I guess he was on his way to have me fired. I

The first Darin Wood Logo which

went on some t-shirts

caught up with him, threw the strainers on my head and said, "Francois Fly at your service!"
He paused. Took a breath, realized they hadn't hired someone in black face as his opener and said "Alright. Whatever." He still wasn't happy about having a costume act opening for him. At one point he said "How about that opener eh? Be cool, The Kings used to suck too." Ouch!

I struggled through most every night of my first week as a paid comic. Mainstream crowds just weren't into this kind of silliness. I always had at least two or three people at each show who would just go ape shit for Francois though. They'd seek me out and pump my hand and tell me how funny it was and how stupid the rest of the audience was.

I rolled with it. I remember at one show this woman was giving me a vicious stink eye through my whole set. I dropped to my knees in front of her, apologized, handed her a rolled up newspaper and offered to let her swat me. Not even a hint of a smile but the rest of the crowd loved it.

The enthusiasm of folks who got it was very encouraging. I remember my friend Patrick advising me not to over-do it as he was sure this was my ticket in. This character got me an audition and then acceptance to The Velvet Hammer burlesque show, unfortunately it was right as the show was imploding. I got to do a taping with one of my childhood heroes, Dr. Demento for an experiment in on-line "television" called UHF after the Weird Al cult classic. And I got to be on national TV as part of Last Comic Standing.

"Puke Splatter" at Trash Film Orgy.
Photo by Bob Herron

I got a call from an agent who said he needed "unique acts" for the show. Yeah, all the freaks that turn out for those auditions on "reality" based shows like Last Comic Standing or American Idol, that doesn't just happen on accident. I got to skip the long line on the sidewalk, I got to skip the pre-audition, though I did get to witness some of these table auditions and it was amazing. Six hopefuls crowded around a table each with one minute to make an impression. I saw some gawd-awful comedy. "Shit, I aint afraid to admit. I fuckin' love fried chicken. Fuck you if you don't. That shits good. I don't give a fuck." I kept waiting for the punch line but nope, that was it. That was the act. The next guy loved pussy as much as the first lady loved fried chicken. "All kinds a pussy too, it don't matter, if it's pussy, I love it."

Logo by Darin Wood

I ran into some friends backstage, professional comics who also got the invite to skip the tables. I had my audition. French Stewart said he really wanted to advance me. I said "Then Do It!" but he didn't. It was great fun. I was happy to fill my role. On the way out I ran into the agent and he was really happy with me. I told him I would happily go back in and audition as just me. I thought that would be a blast to have the same person auditioning as two different people. He agreed and started trying to make it happen. Three people told him there wasn't time before he finally gave in and said "Sorry, there isn't time." I told him that was fine and I drove back from San Francisco laughing to myself about my crazy life as a human fly. Sure enough a clip of Francois did indeed make it onto the air. That crazy fly got a TV credit before I did.

David Zed

As Francois, I got to be friends with some other costumed comedians via the internet including Zed The Robot Comedian From The Future, a very funny comic based in Rome. Well, my wife and I went to Rome for our honeymoon. I called Zed up and he and his wife and their two charming daughters had us over for dinner. Zed was on his way to pick us up from the train station when it dawned on me. I wasn't dressed like a fly and he wasn't likely to be dressed as a robot. I had to call him and tell him what I was wearing so we could find each other. Luckily I was the only man in Italy in red pants with green and yellow shoes.

Shmoozin' and boozin' with Dino and Frank.
Photoshop by Nick Roberts.

Francois continued to evade many. A very rude comic "headlining" a crappy open mic, talked a bunch of shit on me onstage in the middle of a set where he himself was clearly bombing. He then took a phone call during his set, not as a joke but for real. He told the audience "It's my agent. I gotta take this." The woman who ran the open mic then told me that what I did didn't count as stand up. "It's sketch" she said "and you shouldn't do it at stand up venues." She was fine with the dude answering his phone and not actually having any jokes but what I did wasn't stand up. Rad.

My favorite Francois Fly story was when I was invited

I gave this doll to the Velvet Hammer instead of a
head shot. Damn, I wish I still had it.

to perform in a dumpster in San Francisco as part of Popcorn Anti-Theatre, a show that involved a bus full of audience members going site to site. They stopped under the Golden Gate Bridge and were surprised to be gathered around a dumpster. I popped up out of the dumpster. I had a nice spot light on me, a microphone and a PA, it was a very professional set up for being in a dumpster. It wasn't a prop dumpster either. It was a dumpster with real garbage in it, I mean aside from me. The crowd had a blast and then I hopped out and joined them. A very attractive girl named Lu-Lu took my arm and she was quite flirty and quite drunk. When we got back on the bus I slipped to the back, squeezed into the tiny bathroom and turned back into Keith Lowell Jensen, human being. I made my way back up the aisle and as I passed my inebriated and infatuated friend who was watching for Francois, I said "Hello Lu-Lu." She looked at me, sized me up as a loser who shouldn't be

Another fine logo by Darin Wood for a

Trash Film Orgy flyer

talking to her, and went back to watching for that adorable fly without even returning my hello. It was official. I was less sexy than a dumpster perusing x-maggot.

Francois was the original host of The Trash Film Orgy, a yearly midnight movie festival I started with some friends. The festival continues without me and without Francois but he turns up there every so often, usually to be killed dead by Sid, the Evil Crest Manager. I've always planned to do more with Francois and I will. He's a very fun character to play. So full of swagger and ego. I watch clips like the one above and it's actually hard to believe it's me. I don't think I could be that bold without the strainers and make up.

The Three Little Pigs

2011-06-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

The other two little pigs said "Bricks! You're crazy. There is no scientific consensus to support the crackpot, leftist conspiracy theory that the so called 'big bad' wolf actually eats pigs. You're being duped by the govt. and the brick industry's lobbyists while hurting the straw and stick industries."

And after their houses are blown down and they accept their brothers generous offer to house them while they rebuild, "Houses fall down naturally all the time. There's no reason to believe some 'big bad' wolf did it."

How I lost an hour of my life

2011-05-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

He walked into my closet of an office and had a seat. "Hey Keith, can I talk to you about something really important?"

"Um... I don't know."

"It's really important."

"Well... is it related to work?"

"Yeah."

"Um... are you sure it's related to work?"

"Yes. It's about work."

"Okay, fine..."

"It's related to everything."

"Goddammit!"

ElfQuest had a happy ending

2011-05-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

Oops. Searching for pics for this article
I developed an ElfQuest CosPlay fetish

There is a particular issue of indy comic book series ElfQuest that just had to be masturbated to. It's a comic book about elves. They ride wolves. They fight with trolls. They're on a quest. Pretty innocent stuff. For the first 16 issues there was only the usual comic book sexiness, elf breasts were often stretching the limits of elven fabric, belly buttons were bared, Nightfall's little elf pants were slung delightfully low on her hips. Nothing pointed to the surprise of issue 17. Nothing prepared me for the full on elf orgy that spanned several pages.

Click for larger version but turn up Mtv 1st

I felt that I would have been doing Wendy and Richard Pini, Elf Quest's husband and wife creators, a huge disrespect if I chose NOT to masturbate to it, not that it felt like a choice. It didn't. It felt very much like a necessity, a responsibility, a duty. So, I shut the bedroom door, turned up the Mtv to cover any noises I might make and was having my way with myself when... I heard someone turning my doorknob.

In a panic I flung the highly collectible comic on the ground and pulled a blanket up over myself just as my dad walked into my room. I could've said "Ever heard of knocking?" with a voice full of teenage angst and anger. I could've closed my eyes and pretended to be sleeping. Instead, I just grinned and tried to look natural because sitting in bed in the middle of the day clutching a blanket to your chest with a shit eating grin on your face is so very natural.

My dad looked at me, looked at the TV which was playing the Tina Turner video "Whats Love Got To Do With It" and he walked back out of my room mumbling something under his breath.

I was mortified, of course but I'm not sure what the actual source of the embarrassment was. For twenty five years now, I've felt the need to tell my dad that I was NOT masturbating to Tina Turner, a woman with great legs no doubt, but a woman entirely too old and corny at that point for a 14 year old boy to be rubbing one off to. Dad, I was masturbating to comic book Elf orgy goodness, like a normal healthy 14 year old! If I was going to spank it to Mtv I would have waited for a Jody Watley or a Bananarama video. Whew. Feels so good to get that off my chest.

Now, here are a couple of videos to enjoy, but take my advice, put a shoe in front of the door first.

Atheist Rapture Week Follies

2011-05-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

Upskirt fans will dig the ascension the most.

What a great Rapture week. Our Ha Ha Heathens shows were packed in San Francisco and in Sacramento.

Before the Sacramento shows a reporter from News10 came to interview me. You can see that clip here: http://www.news10.net/news/article/138694/2/May21-Judgment-Day-prophecy-inspires-drinks-and-comedy

The SF Chronicle's website, SFGate.com has some pictures of me doing a set at The American Atheists regional meeting on Saturday which was largely rapture themed. Click here to see those. I don't know if these pics ran in the paper or not but I do know that on Tuesday the SF Examiner refered to me as "Youtube star and head atheist Keith Lowell Jensen." You hear that atheists? I'm in charge of this ship.

Troy Conrad "Comedy Jesus" got me the American Atheists gig and when I arrived my name was on the list as "Keith Lowell Jensen 'Comedy Moses'". They asked me if I needed somewhere to change into my costume. Ha! I assumed Troy had pulled a prank on me but he swears it wasn't him. Pretty funny.

I was nervous performing before the atheists crowds as so many of the people who'd be attending would already be famillar with my material. This is a dumb worry as I'm frequently telling younger comics, but I let it get to me and ended up going with mostly new material. Luckily it worked out great and I got a lot of new bits out of these shows. All in all, six shows this week. That's a good week.

"I hate to break it to you folks, but I don't think the rapture is happening The bible says when it happens it'll be secret, nobody will know. So God probably did plan to do it today, then he saw all those billboards and said "WTF? Damn it, Camping you ruined the surprise. Now I'm not gonna do it until next year. Looks like the Mayans are getting the collar on this one."

Rapture Week Atheist Celebrity Sightings: "Healthy Addict" Ashley Paramore, atheist writer and blogger extraordinaire -Greta Christina, The Atheist Experience's Matt Dillahunty (don't take offense to my Texas bashing, Austin doesn't count), comic and filmmaker Troy Conrad, science comedian Bryan Malow and the other fine comics who did Ha Ha Heathens this time around, Caitlin Gill, Trevor Hill, Bryce Druzin and Bryce Jones.

My Brain Tumor

2011-05-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

I have a terrible memory. I meet a lot of people and I am really bad about remembering faces. I once introduced myself to the Sacramento Bee reporter who had a month earlier put me on the cover of Ticket, the Bee's entertainment magazine. I said, "Oh, you're into comedy. I have a sketch comedy troupe." He said, "Yeah Keith, I know. I wrote about them."

Unfortunately some people take this bad memory personally. They're insulted that they remember me but I don't remember them. This isn't fair. There's just one of me and there is almost 7 billion of them.

So, I started telling people I had a small brain tumor. People get mad at you for having a bad memory but nobody gets mad at you for having a brain tumor which I find interesting. I guess because a bad memory doesn't kill you? It's not like I had any more choice in having a bad memory than the average brain tumor patient has in having a brain tumor.

I describe it as tiny, like a candy sprinkle. Everybody loves candy sprinkles. Nothing scary about a candy sprinkle.

Some people think this is horribly insensitive to people with brain tumors. I don't think people with brain tumors are that possessive over their "Get out of jail free" for having a bad memory card. It's not like there is a finite supply.

If I told you I have a brain tumor and you've been feeling bad for me, I'm sorry. I don't have a brain tumor. What's your name again?

Jacquelyn Bond

2011-05-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

Jacquelyn Bond, the artist who did the Bunnies painting that we're using for the cover of my new CD has her paintings up at Sub Q this month (I st. between 17th and 18th, Sacramento.)

Surprisingly this is the first time we've met in person and it was hilarious to discover how many friends we have in common. Amazing we've never met before. She's really cool and I love her artwork.

You can check out more of her work at www.JacquelynBond.com. NSFW, depending on where you W.

Don G's Latest Feud

2011-05-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

I would like to be done with Don G for good, but I really appreciated the people who spoke up when he and his fans were harassing me. So, now that he has chosen to target Tesla for abuse, and Brian Wheat of Tesla has chosen to stand up to him I want to say, Way to go Brian! Good for you. Here's Brian's letter as posted on his Facebook page:

"To the people of Sacramento, kings fans and tesla fans
Here’s what happened straight from my mouth unedited
When the kings played their last game in Sacramento
The band was approached by the kings if they could use our song” love song”
To end what could possibly be their last game as the Sacramento kings
We were honored and said yes and went to the game to cheer the kings on

Fast forward a couple weeks later I get a call from a guy called Carmichael Dave asking if the kings stay could I get the band to play love song at their rally
Again I said yes I would do everything possible to make this happen
And then we started talking with the kings themselves and their representative Craig

With only 3 guys in the band still in the Sacramento area a lot of things had to be coordinated people flown in to Sacramento with us leaving the next day to go play shows
On the east coast

Everything was beautiful kings are happy …Carmichael Dave is happy
And tesla is happy to be invited to take part in this great event

Now the truth of what happened not some edited version to make some certain person
Feel justified

Tesla is doing a sound check
And yes I was wearing a Blackhawk’s jersey because I love hockey jerseys and live 16 blocks from the park
And was going home after the sound check to shower and get ready to play the 2 songs
That evening

All of sudden I start getting text messages from several people saying that this guy Don Geronimo and his crew are pissing all over tesla on the radio

Saying I was fat, frank looked like Garth from Wayne’s world and Jeff Keith looked like a 50 year old woman…and hey all this may be true! BUT I think it’s very inappropriate
To insult a band from Sacramento who are trying to do something nice for the fans of Sacramento Kings and Tesla , lots of fans of both in Sacramento

And then he started calling us telsa not tesla being even more of a smart ass
So me growing up in South Sacramento and being passionate about my family called Tesla . I went over to see this Don Geronimo

He sticks a microphone in my face like he’s my best friend ….so I slapped the mic out his hands and preceded to tell him what an asshole he is being
He told me I had no sense of humor ….as hard as I tried I couldn’t find the humor in what he was saying about tesla

Was he making fun of the maloof brothers NO! The kings players NO!
But why tesla?????

Tesla or I never said we wouldn’t play the event at any point
This is something he is saying
To make himself seem like the victim
Tesla is not that petty!

Bottom line is this…
Tesla is family to me and I don’t take kindly to some dumb ass shock jock
Meathead trying to discredit a band that comes from Sacramento and has made Sacramento very proud at times

Some people may think I was wrong to react the way i did and some have applauded me for it
Regardless if it happened tomorrow I would do the same thing again
To protect the honor of Tesla

Regards
Brian Wheat the fat bass player of tesla :)"

Robot!

2011-05-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap! This is the most fantastic, ridiculous, hilarious, imaginative, wonderful, over the top thing I have ever seen!

The Free Clinic

2011-05-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

“Dude, do you know the truth?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I was sure I didn’t, but I was pretty convinced he didn’t either. This question was his opening, so he could have been talking politics, conspiracy theory or life insurance, but I was pretty sure he was talking religion and I wasn’t interested.

“So you already know about Jesus’ awesome love.”

“Yep. Thanks.” I knew the odds of him saying “Oh, okay then, see ya.” were slim but I had to give it a try.

“Awesome. Can I pray with you?”

“No. Look you seem like a nice guy but I’m here because I don’t feel well, I’ve been here too long already and I really want to just sit and read okay?” He was a blonde surfer looking guy in his late twenties or early thirties. He’d probably quit partying like an idiot when he found Jesus and now he wanted to help the rest of us quit partying like idiots too.

“I’m not trying to pushy bro, but if you knew the truth in a world full of lies, wouldn’t you be pushy?”

“No. I’d take out an ad or something and talk to the folks who were interested.”

Ah, crap, now I’d done it. I’d engaged him.

He prattled on and on by “Totally awesome grace” and “the coolest dude ever” I tried really hard to just read my book. Finally someone on the other side of the room gave an amen and he went to preach to the choir. A bit of peace at last. As close to peace as I’d get anyway sitting in the free clinic with a sinus infection, soap operas blaring on the TV, people arguing with the staff about the insane wait. I’d only been there for a little over an hour. I had a feeling there was more waiting ahead of me.

My name was called and I followed the guy with the clipboard into a small room where he took a seat behind a large desk inviting me to sit on the other side of the desk in a folding chair. This did not look like a examination room. He was there to examine my finances. I filled out a stack of forms and promised that I really was poor. Like rich people are clamoring to take advantage of the amazing free health care the city offers. I was then sent back into the waiting room to sit and try not to watch soap operas while they made sure I wasn’t lying about not being poor. How did they verify this? They had my social security number, maybe they just ran it, but my guess is they just made me wait all day figuring if I didn’t really, really need their help I’d give up sooner.

And wait all day I did. The surfin’ Jesus freak did too, but he didn't seem interested in talking to me again. During my eight hours in the dingy little room with the folding chairs, cracked linoleum, beige paint and stained foam ceiling panels I became the person who argues with the staff about how long it’s taking. I’d have been more patient if I was waiting to see the doctor, but I was waiting to be proven poor. This infuriated me. I was too poor to spend eight hours sitting in this little room not earning any rent money. I asked if I could leave and come back the next day when they knew that I was poor but they kept convincing me that it would be just another fifteen minutes.

At long last I was brought back to the rear half of the building where I was weighed, and poked and prodded with thermometers and little squeezie bulb things that check my blood pressure. I sat in an examination room and waited for another twenty minutes before meeting the doctor. Dr. Nguyen seemed like a nice fellow. He spoke with a heavy Vietnamese accent.

“How do you feel?”

I told him that I had a sinus infection and explained my symptoms. I told him that this was a recurring problem and that I hoped to do more than just take penicillin again. Was there anything he could recommend to help stop the infection from returning?

He nodded in agreement and handed me a prescription. “Yes. Penicillin.”

“Wait. That’s what I’m asking. Can I do something more than just popping more penicillin? Something to help me avoid this in the future?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment and then “Oh yes. Penicillin.”

“Do you understand a word I’m saying?” I asked.

“Yes” he answered, uncomprehending.

I took my prescription and left, Jesus guy following me for about to blocks before I turned and asked him if he’d like to martyred.

The infection cleared up eventually without the penicillin. When a spot on my eye mysteriously became swollen I put off going to the clinic. It got worse. I planned to go in the next Monday, hoping they’d still have it on record that I was poor.

On Saturday I went to the little bagel shop by my girlfriend’s work and the sweet Mexican girl who worked the counter noticed my eye.

“I think it’s a clogged tear duct or something.” I explained.

“No, I don’t think so.” She leaned forward and took a better looking, squinting with her whole face. “That’s a spider bite. Put some olive oil on it.”
“Olive oil? Really?” I went home and put some olive oil on my face and then I bought bagels for all my friends when the swelling disappeared rapidly. Over time I noticed other folks getting good sound advice from the bagel lady. And she didn’t care if they were poor, or rich, just so long as they bought a bagel or a cup of coffee. I went to her with a sore throat (lavender essential oil), a bad back (treat with heat, cold, heat, cold and sleep on the floor.) and of course a hunger for bagels. Free clinic be damned.

Her grandmother, before coming to America had kept an herb garden in a small town in Mexico where she was sort of an unofficial medicine woman. The Bagel Lady had been a loyal student of her grandmother’s and was now becoming our much bigger small town’s unofficial medicine woman.

Noah’s bagel’s moved in a few streets over and the owners of the bagel shop didn’t like the resultant drop in business. The shop is now a café with overpriced coffee drinks and no free advice except for the occasional suggestion that you have a chocolate chip muffin with you’re half-caf latte. I don’t know where The Bagel Lady ended up, but I have no doubt she’s carrying on her family's wonderful tradition.

Dogma Free Raw?

2011-05-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

I am a rare breed in that I'm a skeptic who is stoked on raw food. Why should this be rare? Because the raw food movement is so chock full of dogma about it's miraculous powers. Fug all that. Listen, eating more food that grows out of the ground is good. Eating less manufactured food full of ingredients you can't pronounce is good. Eating raw food is good and besides its tasty and adventurous and fun cuisine. So, I was stoked to see Joshua Ploeg's newest zine is a raw food recipe book with a photo of a toilet seat written on in lipstick for it's cover. That ought to be a dogma free approach eh?

Ploeg is one talented guy. He catered my wedding, all vegan and it was yummy. The many non-vegans in attendance had no complaints. Check out his new zine here:
http://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/zines/3362/

YELLLING! (Zen Story #3)

2011-05-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

So last night this dude was yelling at his dog. The dog looked about 90, not in dog years but in real actual years. The mummy of a dog was not moving fast. It was just limping, slowly, toward the street. The man following it yelled "No! I said NO! Stop damn it. I said stop. Don't go in the street. Oh... Oh.... okay, fine. Go in the street. You'll just get killed. See if I care. You want to get killed? Go ahead and go in the street and get killed then. I'm just trying to save your life." The dog was meanwhile looking tired and wandering into the street.

I was close to walking over to the man and yelling at him, "HEY! The dog doesn't understand all those words. He doesn't have that kind of vocabulary or ability to reason!" But I realized that if I did that anyone passing would be totally justified in yelling at me "Hey! That dumb guy doesn't understand all those words. He doesn't have that kind of vocabulary or ability to reason!"
I guess by the stick and carrot approach I should have just told him to put his dog on a leash and then handed him a donut.

New CD/DVD Fully Funded

2011-05-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

My last CD was completely paid for and "in the black" by the time the release party audience had taken their seats. How very flattering that the new one was completely paid for before even being printed. Fans and friends who want to hear it pre-ordered the CD and/or DVD via Kickstarter and many of them even paid a bit extra to help make it happen and here we, five days ahead of schedule, completely funded. Yeah. That's very cool.
Like I said, we're still up on Kickstarter for another five days so take advantage of this chance to get the CD or DVD without paying any shipping costs. All moneys above the goal we set will go toward advertising. THANKS!

Where To Start

2011-04-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

I was talking with Andy Wood, the organizer of the Bridgetown comedy festival, about some classic comedy icons and he asked where a good place to start would be for The Marx Brothers. Here are my quick suggestions for some absolute must see comedy films:

The Marx Brothers: Duck Soup (Fantastic, and the climactic, musical courtroom scene at the end makes me laugh no matter how many times I see it. This is also the film with the classic mirror scene. My second choice for the brothers would be Horse Feathers.)

Charlie Chaplin: Modern Times (Hilarious but also poignant and politically very brave. Watching it with my 10 year old nephew and explaining the cultural context to him made me realize it's a socialist propaganda film in the best way. The Great Dictator is also very interesting, especially in the context of the times it was made but Modern Times is much funnier, imho.)

Buster Keaton: The Scarecrow and The General. (The 1st is a short film the other his most famous feature. They make a great double feature. Go West is also very good.)

Almost There!

2011-04-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

We've only got $407 left to raise before we hit our goal and with 9 days left to do it, I think we're in pretty damn good shape. Please go, order a CD and/or DVD now so you can be one of the few, the proud who can say they had it first and helped make it happen. See the video below and click here; http://kck.st/dZMxxn to contribute at Kickstarter.com

And The Reviews Are In...

2011-04-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

From the Portland Mercury's blog: "a too-brief set by Keith Lowell Jensen, who managed to (A) do some jokes about Portland that were actually funny, and (B) kick some much-needed excitement into the room."
And they posted a video clip from my new CD/DVD.
Read the article here. http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/

And also exciting, Margaret Cho told me I was funny. She walked over and said "Hi, I'm Margaret." To which I said, "OH YEAH!" and she said, "I like you're set. You're very funny." To which I said "OH YEAH!" She is really warm and friendly.

That is too much awesome. I have another show tonight and then I get to go home. YAY.

Legalize Marijuana 420 - Keith Lowell Jensen Stand-Up Comedy

2011-04-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

To celebrate 4/20, a clip from my new DVD/CD Cats Made Of Rabbits. Pre-order it and help it's release at http://kck.st/dZMxxn

Have you called an 8 year old girl a cunt today?

2011-04-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

c u n t

I fight with people on youtube. Christians mostly, the occasional Muslim and sometimes even other atheists. Yeah, it's my great shame. I don't drink, snort, shoot or lick anything I'm not supposed to but I do like to indulge in fighting on the internet.

When some creationist goon says something like, "If we came from monkeys, why they still monkeys?" I used to assume that I was talking to a child but time after time I'd check and find, to my amazement, that there are lots of very childish adults out there memorizing the Bible's less boring chapters.

After a while I quit checking. Actual kids it seemed were to busy posting "Justin Bieber is better than these guys" on Beatles videos to bother with the likes of me. Then I get a comment about how voo-doo is prominent in China and Japan and so they shouldn't be surprised to have been hit by God's wrath. This deep thought was followed by "U R Not Epic". A fan had referred to me as epic.

I wrote back that confusing Haiti with Japan and China was pretty fucking pathetic and closed out with "U R A Cunt".

Most surprised to see the reply "U MAKE ME SICK. SAYING THAT TO A SWEET 8 YEAR OLD GIRL!"

I clicked on the profile and saw a chubby 8 year old uploading videos with no parents anywhere to be seen.

A sane person should've just blocked her and deleted the whole exchange. That's not what I did. I replied "Your parents make me sick, letting a sweet 8 year old girl talk to strange adult men unsupervised on the internet."

Then I blocked her. And deleted the whole exchange.

Some days you fight the good fight. And some days you call an 8 year old girl a cunt.

At least I didn't tell her to google "Tub Girl" if she wanted to see some cute puppies. See, it could've been worse.

Whoa-oh, We're Halfway There...

2011-04-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

What's got me so excited I'm quoting Bon Jovi lyrics? We're halfway to the goal for my CD/DVD fundraising effort on Kickstarter and we're there ahead of schedule. See the video below and click here; http://kck.st/dZMxxn to contribute at Kickstarter.com

Interviewed by Jeffrey Callison on Capital Public Radio

2011-04-08T23:56:00.001-07:00

Check out the Kickstarter page. Buy the album. Click here: http://kck.st/dZMxxn

Want a Free Copy of My New Album?

2011-04-06T08:47:00.001-07:00

Get my new album for free! Have a blog? A Podcast? A college radio show? Send me details and I'll put in a request for indy label guy to send you an advance review copy of the disc.

Jokes About Fucking

2011-04-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

Big Black's "Songs About Fucking" was one of my favorite albums in High School and I still love it dearly. I left my cassette tape of it out on the dining room table though where one of my mom's friends picked it up during a tea or some such lady business. My mom was no censor. She let me keep my copy of The Cure's "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me" even after a friend's mom took the time to read her some of the more disturbing lyrics but this proved to be too much. Straight into the trash it went.

When Valentine's Day gets close again, someone please remind me that I want to do a romantic show called Jokes About Fucking.
(Click here to buy my new album http://kck.st/dZMxxn)

Capital Public Radio on Friday

2011-04-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

This Friday I'll be on "Insight" with Jeffrey Callison on Capital Public Radio talking about my new album and DVD and we'll play some clips from the recording.
If you're in the area you can listen between 10am and 11am at 90.9 on your FM dial. You can hear it online here: http://www.capradio.org/12063

Kickstarter page launched for new album

2011-04-04T08:56:00.003-07:00

Check out the Kickstarter page. Click here: http://kck.st/dZMxxn

Sunday Morning

2011-04-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

I woke up at a girlfriend's house, only she wasn't a girlfriend anymore, though I was desperately hoping that she would be again. And it wasn't actually her house. She was renting a room from a friend's mom, the same friend she'd gone to Europe with and fallen in love and lust with and done it in such a romantic, frantic, exciting situation that I didn't feel I could possibly compete.

There I was, waking up in her bed, which used to be his bed, in his childhood room full of his records. I wasn't there because things had gone well with her the night before. I was there because I smoked some weed with my employer and it put me on my ass, gave me the spins, made me want desperately to be unconscious. She let me crash at her place out of sympathy and probably with some annoyance.

I felt better in the morning. She woke me up as she headed out to work, told me to stay as long as I wanted and to lock the door behind me when I left. She hugged me, and planted a small kiss on my lips.

The sun was coming in the windows in storybook fashion and it felt like a new day in every way imaginable. I flipped through his records and came across an album with Andy Warhol's signature and an image of a banana on the otherwise blank, white cover.

I put the record on the turntable and the first sparse notes, played on a xylophone grabbed my attention as Sunday Morning came on. I sat and listened to the perfect song for that surprisingly perfect morning. I made a note to check out more of this album later, but for now I wanted this song to be the soundtrack for my day. I walked to the bus stop, enjoying the sun on my face and feeling very much alive.

Listen to me on The Don Geronimo Show today, 1pm - 2pm

2011-04-01T08:26:00.001-07:00

So, I ran into Don G himself at a comedy show last night and when all the bullshit was put aside we got along pretty well. Looks like I'll be a special guest on his show today from 1pm to 2pm.
How well could this go? The Don and Keith show anyone?

Interviewed in Sacramento News and Review

2011-03-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am one of a group of comedians interviewed in the latest Sacramento News and Review. Below is my interview. Full article here: http://www.newsreview.com/sacramento/content?oid=1947377

Name: Keith Lowell Jensen

Why did you decide to be a stand-up comedian?

I was in a band until the guitarist got his girlfriend pregnant. I decided I needed an art form that didn’t depend on other people using birth control. I pursue it as hard as I do because I love it, and because I suck at literally everything else I’ve ever tried to do for a living.

Moment you first realized that you were funny?
In fourth grade, I changed schools, and clowning in class helped me make new friends and new enemies. When I pulled out the ventriloquist doll, there was to be no turning back!

What are your sources of inspiration?
Listening to NPR and thinking, “Damn, that’s awful! The world is screwed. How can I make that funny?”

What was the funniest thing that happened to you in high school?
A teacher told us we couldn’t make him mad and then gave us each a “free” shot at trying. I ended up expelled.

Bridgetown Comedy Fest Line-Up Announced

2011-03-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

Bridgetown announces it's full line-up, see link:
http://bridgetowncomedyfestival.com/performers/
It's a group I'm honored to be a part of. Many of my friends are on there, Emmette Montgomery and Derek Sheen from Seattle, W. Kamau Bell, Janine Brito, Nato Green, Emily Heller, and DJ Real from San Francisco. Jimmy Dore from LA. Moshe Kasher and Brent Weinbach from all over but I guess officially LA and originally the SF Bay Area and a bunch of people I haven't met yet who I'm totally excited to meet and to see as many of as possible.
Of course there are some big celebrity types who I will try not to act like a star struck moron around should I end up face to face with. And of course with Andy Dick in town, well anything can happen.

My Huge Ego

2011-03-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

In the wake of the ridiculous feud I let myself get caught up in with a local radio jock, I was informed that I have a huge ego.
Hmmmm? Do I? It must take a pretty big ego to do stand up. To say, "I think I deserve to have my voice amplified, to have lights on me, and for you all to sit in the dark and listen, and to pay for the privilege of doing so."

So I guess I must have a pretty big ego then. I consider ego problems to come from not how you regard yourself but how you regard yourself in relation to others. Fact is I'm humbled by many of my comedy peers and more so by my comedy heroes. I've been humble when face to face with said heroes, like Doug Stanhope, Robin Williams, Bob Newhart and I've had to work to be confident when interacting with industry people, many of whom I've become friends with. In this situations its never been an issue of having to tone down my ego, always a matter of trying to ramp it up.

Ego gets talked about a-lot. I wish you all a good healthy ego. I don't think ego is a bad thing. Maybe that's an atheist angle. The bible is full of calls to be humble and to grovel, etc. It seems that in this age when democracy and self rule is championed a strong ego would be valued. So yeah, I do love myself but the good news is, I love you too. I may not like you, but I love you. And coming from me, that's valuable because I'm hot shit, the cat's meow, etc. et al.

Ha Ha Heathens Returns to San Francisco Punch Line

2011-03-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

Click Here for Tickets.

Come celebrate the end of the worlds or at least the end of that particular round of end of the world billboards with Ha Ha Heathens second season.

"With hit shows in LA, San Francisco and Sacramento, Ha Heathens first season still failed to bring God's fiery wrath down on any of the comedians or audience members involved. So Keith Lowell Jensen has put together a new batch of heathens for a 2nd go at it. It's Armageddon or bust as Ha Ha Heathens returns to The Punchline SF, a club that hopefully has it's lightening roods and flood insurance place.

Look for surprise guests, random blasphemy and good God fearing tourists who wander in unaware because they don't want to leave San Francisco without seeing a comedy show."

Meet The Heathens

Brian Malow
The popular "Science Comedian" and Time.com correspondent performed several times with the Coexist? Comedy Tour filling the Jewish slot but he's not exactly orthodox. What he is is a fiercely intelligent and hilarious stand up comedian.

Troy Conrad
He has gone on stage as George W. and as Jesus H., even managing to somehow get his Comedy Jesus DVD selling at WalMart where it surely has been purchased by nice, Christian families not quite realizing what they were getting. Troy was a special guest at The Ha Ha Heathens New Years Eve show at The Center For Inquiry in Hollywood and we're thrilled to have him back.

Caitlin Gill
A rising talent in the San Francisco comedy scene, people are talking about Caitlin Gill. Most of those are people stuck in conversations with her father, who is really, really excited about his daughter telling dirty jokes to strangers in clubs. Her style twists her personal experiences into engaging bits and stories, and drops phrases in your ear that will later litter your lexicon.

Keith Lowell Jensen
Keith Lowell Jensen, the head heathen, has a youtube sensation with his Atheist Church videos. He performs at atheist conventions and gatherings and goes to church with his mom on Easter. He recently performed with Robin Williams and regularly features for super-atheist Doug Stanhope.

Comedy is Easy

2011-03-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Ron Jeremy is the world’s most famous male porn star but Ron wants to be more than just a porn star. He tried his hand at being a real actor, but his cameos in various B-Movies failed to endear him to critics or producers. He doesn’t have much of a singing voice either and the world probably isn’t ready for a Porn Politician, well outside of Italy. So, Ron Jeremy does stand up comedy. It’s the obvious path, I mean who can’t do stand up?

Actor Dustin Diamond was unable to follow up his stint as Screech on tween sitcom Saved By The Bell. He failed as an actor, a championship wrestler, a reality tv star and even his leaked celebrity sex tape “Saved By The Smell” (I only wish I were kidding about this one) failed to grab him much attention. Only one discipline granted him any kind of post childhood success. Screech can always fall back on his “stand up comedy” performances. Like Ron Jeremy, he is booked as a headliner at A list clubs.

Child star Danny Bonaduce was hard pressed to find a new life after being a Partridge. Drugs, reality TV, celebrity boxing, stand up comedy.

We only know who John Wayne Bobbit is because his wife took the scissors to him back in the nineties. In addition to a "celebrity" sex tape, he got gigs in some of the top ranked comedy clubs in the country.

My fellow stand up comics and I may think ourselves artists. We may consider our discipline a beautiful way to hold a mirror up to our culture while helping society confront its fears, hypocrisies and insecurities. But to the masses we come in beneath fake sports, beneath amateur porn, beneath even that most hideous of beasts, reality television.

Need more evidence? Put together an outing to a comedy show on evite.com. Baby Showers, Book Clubs even Karaoke Night are all available themes. The closest you’ll find to Comedy Show is Concert or Night on The Town or Karaoke Night!!! That’s right, Stand Up Comedy weighs in lower than Karaoke. Not insulting enough? Well Pet Party comes in higher as well. What the hell is a Pet Party?

Of course you can organize a comedy show outing on facebook then right? Nope, but you’d fare better if you were putting together a fun loving crew to go to the flea market. Facebook has an event category for flea market and ten for music, but comedy? Sorry. Go fish.

Stand up comedy is a bastard art form. The hip kids want nothing to do with it as it doesn’t involve dancing or any other sort of mating behavior. Civilized people might attend if the comedian is Seinfeld or Jay Leno or someone else who they know they’ve seen on TV. Any bar with an open night fancies itself a comedy club. Worse yet, Pizza Parlors, Chinese Restaurants and even laundry mats think that Stand Up comedy is a fine fit for their classy establishments. Do opera singers have to start off singing for people as they fold their underwear?

Rarely do you hear an audience member heckle a movie, play or poetry reading. But it has become an accepted part of the stand up comedy show that some drunk housewife seated in the second row gets her turn in the spotlight. Stand up comedy gets less respect than bad poetry??? I’m pretty sure the poet can attend their family Christmas party without Uncle Harold suggesting some new rhymes. “Yeah, you can use that. It’s a doozey.”

Humorists, who for the most part are people that fancy themselves funny but whose heads would explode if they ever had to face a rowdy bar crowd, end up on NPR doing thought provoking satire on current events. Stand up comics might luck into a gig on morning radio as the “Man On The Street” guy doing stunts, the most popular of which are those most likely to see said comic getting his ass kicked.

And yet, there we are, night after night, facing the crowd, drunks and all, trying to make them laugh. What passion fuels such devotion in the face of such disrespect? Is it the same drive that kept Vincent van Gogh painting despite his failure to sell his work? Is it the same passion that led an increasingly deaf Beethoven to continue composing even as he lost the ability to hear his work performed? Surely it must be more than the occasional free drink, the stale bar pretzels or the chance that the rare comedy club groupie might decide it’s your night at last.

Actually, no, that’s about it.

Cats Made of Rabbits Prototypes

2011-03-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

Jonathan Morken and I at The Apprehensive Films offices holding two mock ups of the new album. These were made for the bigger label that is considering releasing the album. If they take a pass and we put it out independently, it'll be the bunny painting for the cover.
Jason Adair did all three covers. These two feature photos by Kiny McCarrick (banana baby) and the other pic, which Jason tricked me into using by calling it the Woody Guthry cover, is by Amy Scott.
We should know who is releasing it by next week and hopefully have a date soon after.

Shameful Confessions; Music Edition

2011-03-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

Shameful confession #1: I like New Order more than I like Joy Division. A lot more.

Shameful confession #2: Comedy friends Danielle Mandella and John Ross made me listen to Maroon 5 and I enjoyed them and even compared them to Michael Jackson.

Shameful confession #3: The first time I heard Never Mind The Bullocks I thought "This sounds like shit. The producer should be slapped."

Shameful confession #4: On the same day that I bought The B-52s' "Wild Planet" and The Talking Heads "Little Creatures" I also purchased Sting's 1st solo album and liked it as much as the other two.

Shameful confession #5: Hanson, "Mmmbop", love it.

Shameful confession #6: Thought Black Sabbath was something to be laughed at until late into my twenties when a musician friend yelled at me and made me promise to give them another listen.
Shameful confession #6 and 1/2: I like Ozzy's Crazy Train better than anything he did with Sabbath.

Shameful confession #7: Steely Dan, I don't get it. I've tried, more than once. I just don't get it.

Shameful confession #8: Once hated The Smiths, currently one of my favorite bands, so much that I'd ask that they not be played in my presence.

Shameful confession #9: I once said I liked all music except country and disco. And I defined country as anything slightly folksy, blue grass, etc. I defined disco as anything too blatantly non-white. Yes, this is a big one. Be kind, I was very young.

Shameful Confession #10: Listening to Jimi Hendrix is, for me, like watching a really great juggler. Amazing show of skill but no emotional resonance whatsoever.

I hope you enjoyed my musical shameful confessions. Maybe I'll do fashion ones next but I'll have to drag up pictures for that. Yes, I WAS a white kid TRYING to have dreadlocks once.

Fuck Timothy Leary

2011-03-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

She was sitting on the still wet ground outside of Peet's with several back packs, a garbage filled with clothes and one of those silly plastic skateboards with roller blade wheels and a hinge in the middle. I figured her to be the child of working class parents. Maybe her folks were assholes, maybe they were very nice people who missed their daughter. They could even be both I suppose.

Her hat was flipped up and on the bill she'd written "Tune in, turn on, drop out."

I wanted to tell her "Hey, the guy that popularized that saying had a fucking book deal! And a nice degree to fall back on. Don't listen to that trust fund asshole."

Then I though of her peers, most of whom were probably studying subjects they didn't care about on their way to work jobs they hated as they watched the years race by at amazing speeds.

So, I bought her something warm to drink and shared more practical advice. "Hey, having this drink in your hand they have to let you sit inside where it's dry and warm."

She said "Thanks man." in a really sincere voice that made me want to give her a hug. I drove back to my shitty job. Fuck Timothy Leary.

How to debate internet style

2011-03-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

It's time that someone mapped this out. Enjoy.

When you state your opinion be sure to make it clear that all other opinions are bullshit. It's even better when you call anyone that would hold these other, idiotic opinions an idiot (you may substitute your insult of choice for idiot. Be creative.) It works for Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Wally George and it can work for you.

Use MANY words to state your point, but be clear that it's effortless to you. Make it clear that brilliance just pours from your fingerprints and that, while your words are gospel, the exchange of words on something as meaningless as a blog, facebook, twitter, is of no importance to you whatsoever. We're fortunate you're troubling yourself to share it.

The internet is not a place for serious discussion. Engage in exchanges but then make it clear that anyone who expects normal rules of discussion to apply doesn't understand the internet which has apparently, at some point, been deemed unfit for anything other than supplying our porn, handling our finances and pretending to have a bigger impact on society than any other innovation in the last century.

Announce yourself the victor in any debate. Nothing marks the winner quite so clearly. The winner is always the guy saying, "I'm the winner."

That's all for now, I'm the winner.

Joan Rivers at The Crest

2011-03-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

Sid, did get to get a pic. Lucky bitch.

My consolation prize from the booker for the Joan Rivers show at The Crest was a front row seat which I sure appreciated. Admittedly I'm more of a Bob Newhart kind of guy then a Don Rickles or Joan Rivers kind of guy but I thought she put on a fantastic show. When she made a joke about her husband's suicide, and getting his ring and his watch in her mouth before his head hit the ground I gasped! Wow. Nobody can accuse her of being tougher on anyone else than she is on herself.

On the way out the older woman who sat next to me said she didn't get a certain joke about somebody named Shwartz. I told her "It's not the name. The joke is that the winner of a Porn Academy Award for Snuff Porn wouldn't be there to collect their trophy." She says, "What's snuff porn." I told her "I'm not willing to take your innocence. You'll have to Google it."

I hung out after hoping to get in on the meet and greet. Don Geronimo comes walking out and I asked him politely as possible, "Can I get a picture with you Mr. Geronimo?" I figured, standing face to face, we could maybe put the bullshit aside and move on, make nice. Nope. He starts toward me to take the picture then recognizes me and his face freezes. His wife, sensing danger says "Let's just go Don." and he says "Why don't you write more letters to my advertisers." Cool, nice to hear that's been effective. I have only shared with his advertisers actual quotes of things he has said on radio. It's not my fault he said them and he should be proud to stand behind them. At any rate I plan on filling his request and I hope you will too. I have to say I was surprised to see HOW angry he was. He's coming from the position of power here so I'm amazed that I actually got to him. Bizarre?

Janet, Joan and my future BFF

I said the feud was over and I meant it. But I had this accidental run in with him and wanted to share it. Hopefully someday we can get that pic. Whenever you're ready Don... I'll be there.

Tony, who actually opened for Joan and who writes for her told me how bad he felt to take the spot. I told him to knock that off. He did what any comedian SHOULD do when offered such a spot say yes. Say hell yes. Good job Tony. And thanks for being a really nice, gracious person. I really hope you took my advice and didn't just go to Denny's.

As I left, carrying the stool that I had borrowed from Tommy T's to be used on stage (Thanks Tommy T's) I went out the stage exit and there was Joan Rivers. I said a polite hello, told her I enjoyed the show and beat it. She was cool, especially being addressed by a strange man in an alley carrying a stool.

The promoter has promised me another gig and the one I'm hoping to get, the one he's working on getting me, I'm really excited about. We'll see.

Celebrating My Birthday Belatedly with Dad and Sadie

2011-03-13T16:00:00.001-07:00

Hanging out with Max at my Dad's house.

Finally made it out to Dad and Sadie's with Bryna and Max to celebrate my birthday. Chocolate cake and presents and brunch. I'm at least part gay, I really love brunch.

Bridgetown Here I Come

2011-03-12T08:51:00.000-08:00

What a great way to cap off an awesome week. I got tons of free publicity on the radio, heard from several new fans that heard my knock knock joke on the AM, had a few days off to hang out with my baby girl and my lovely wife and I wake up this morning to an email from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival that started with the words "We're excited to extend an invitation to you to perform in this year's festival." AWESOME! The festival in the past has featured Patton Oswalt, Janeane Garofalo, Moshe Kasher and many other favorites of mine! STOKED!
http://bridgetowncomedyfestival.com/

But you CAN help

2011-03-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

At this blog because you love Don G and hate me?
Here because you love me and hate Don G?
Cool. I'm glad so many people are hitting this blog at such an important time. Let's do what this culture does when bad shit happens in the world and break all records for individual giving.
You CAN help: Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 from your phone

The Master and The Pilgrim

2011-03-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

(Finally migrated my fiction blog. Read more here.)

"Oh exalted one, we present before you now a pilgrim who has been through the trial of endless desert, who has scaled the 1,000 steps of enlightenment, he has endured every test of faith, soul and body and has earned an audience with your holiness."

The master listened as the young man who stood before him was introduced. Despite all he'd been through, all he'd endured, he still showed a hint of nervousness, or was it because of all that he'd invested in this moment that his lip quivered ever so slightly and his forehead was dotted tiny beads of sweat. He was disciplined, had to give him that. His stance was perfectly steady, his gaze did not shift.

"Thank you brother." The master said excusing the devoted priest who'd excorted the young man this far. It was as many words as anyone had heard him speak. He led by listening as he sat upon his mat in deep contemplation for hours at a stretch.

Now, alone in the room with a pilgrim who had been watched by all over the last two years, since it was first noticed that he was making it through the ordeals more rapidly than any other in the history of the faith. That it seemed he would make it all the way was exciting beyond measure, but that he would do it without ever once having to repeat a trial inspired a sort of fanaticism amongst the throng of believers, usually not prone to such emotion.

"So, you've made it through every ordeal?"

"Yes master."

"Uh… wow. Congratulations, that's… that's amazing."

The disciplined and intense young man stood perfectly still. He was not asked a question and so, he did not offer a response.

"Um, okay… listen, the thing is, it's great that you got here, that you made it, we all applaud you. I look forward to finding you a great place within the ministry and I think its safe to say, you'll be well compensated for your… your um… your ministry."

The two men sat in intense silence. The young man began to wonder if this was another test, another ordeal. He stood, still and stared straight ahead. He would pass it.

"Uh, that's it. Thanks. Look, I'm not playing or speaking in riddles or anything, we're cool here. Let's see if we can't find you a prayer mat eh? I'll call Brother Kelly back in," and as the master took a deep breath, prepared to holler for his most faithful dedicated follower to return the young man spoke.

"I need to know. What does it all mean? I went through all of those ordeals, the night of one hundred odors, the week of truly awful films, and I still don't get it. I'm sorry, but I just, I just don't feel any closer to understanding what it all means; Why I'm here, why I exist, why here exists."

"Oh, that, yeah, well... um... Meaning is meaningless in the eyes of a goat. He just wants to eat your sweater."

"What?!"

"Okay, look kid, I'm gonna level with you. It's really quite easy. It doesn't mean jack. It's all biological imperative."

"I don't understand?"

"Biological imperitive. It's about progeny living on, a bit of you living on. It's what the plants are all about, the ants too, the birds, and us. We just want to make something that carries on."

"So thats your great wisdom? Jjust have a bunch of babies!"

"No, no, no. Kid you're getting all worked up. Listen, it might be your babies, or it might be your ideas, the influence you peddle. The books, art, music, poetry, technology, whatever your thing is man. You want to make it and you want it to live on."

"That's awful."

"No it's not."

"It is."

"No, really it's not."

"Look, if that's what its all about, then why be moral. Why not rape and kill and plunder? As long as it's for the good of me and mine it's all good yeah?"

"It would seem that way wouldn't it?"

The young man looked particluarly distressed and dissappointed.

The master continued hastily, "But no, it's not really that way... because, you see... Well for instance, lets say you write a book. You're book won't be read anymore if the neighbors you piss off are burning down our libraries right? You're kids won't fair too well if the planet can't support life, will they? A more peaceful and healthy planet is the most selfish thing we can hope for, for me and mine, you and your's, them and there's. In the long term doing whats best for us all has its rewards."

The two men stood, staring at each other, one smiling, one not as a breeze carried the scent of burning Pop Tarts from another room. At last the pilgrim spoke.

"So that's it?"

"That's it."

"Well then why the two dozen nights of itchy beddings or the three hours of cable News viewing. I suffered through "The ordeals" so that you could tell me, biological imperative?"

"No. I didn't need to tell you biological imperative any more than I needed to tell the newts. You were already livin' it. Look, we never meant for you to get through all that crap. That stuff was there to not kill you, while making you stronger, and keeping you praying and paying. Fact is you're either smart enough to get that being a dick is bad news or you're not and we weren't going to do much to help you, but hopefully we keep some of the dicks busy for awhile."

"You believe in some kind of pre-ordainment or something? You don't believe that people can learn?"

"Well… not quite. Let me put it this way kid. A higher level intelligence has not yet really proven itself to be a biologically successful trait. Of course I, much like the average dodo bird, think that my traits are the ones that should live on, and so I do the best for me and mine as you say, but the truth is there are a-lot of dumb people out there and they're pretty good at taking care of the biological imperative, at least in the short run. We'll see. Just do what you can, and we'll see, eventually."

And now the master, whose name is actually Ron, noticed his guest clenching his jaw and fist, tears forming in his eyes. Maybe he'd overestimated this pilgrim.

"Hey, look buddy, we're going to give you a good position here and there'll be plenty of time for more study. Maybe I'm wrong. Shit, maybe there is something to be found. You'll have plenty of time to find it."

It seemed it was too late for these words. The tears came, the shoulders hunched. "It's meaningless. It's all scam. I should tell everyone. I'd love to see you off your damn mat, standing in the unemployment line." And then the silence was back. The two men sat, neither uttering so much as a word for an excruciating fifteen minutes.

At last, the young pilgrim spoke in a calm, peaceful voice, "So... this position in the ministry… is there a good retirement plan? And what about flex time?"

An Open Letter to Don Geronimo

2011-03-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

Don G.,

A feud can be fun. Entertaining for all. You talked some shit, I talked some shit back (and really Don, could a guy like you respect someone who didn't throw it back when gone after?)

It should have stayed at the level. Sling some insults, etc. Several fans that we have in common were telling me about past people you feuded with who are now friends and I thought, that's cool, maybe that could happen.

But you, even though you're in the business and habit of messing with people couldn't handle it coming back at you and elevated it to the point of attacking my livelihood. You encouraged your listeners to harass me at my shows and then you contacted Joan Rivers. You may never admit it publicly but you know, as does anyone who bothers to read Joan's response on Twitter, that you did NOT get me pulled from that show. It was a misunderstanding as the booker didn't know she had her own opener. But your intent WAS to cost me that show. I've worked very hard in an extremely competitive business to get to where bookers are putting me on such gigs. For you, because of a little shit talking to even try to undermine that makes you a sad, pathetic individual. It was taking this too far and it's completely inappropriate. Yes, I did encourage letters to your station, but only in response to the actions described above and only to express the same sentiments.

So, I'm done with our feud. My revenge will just be my continued success and happiness chasing this dream and working with amazing, creative people who are also chasing theirs as we keep things positive.

Did you win Don? Sure. You got to me. Congratulations. From a position of power you went after someone much lower on the totem pole then yourself and you succeeded in making him feel like he never should've messed with something so filthy and disgusting lest he get the stink on himself as well. You got me to wallow for a moment in the muddy place where you exist. You went after the means that I use to try and make the best life I can for me and my family. And yes, you got me to step away first. Congratulations. You're a vicious, nasty, mean-spirited man and I feel a huge relief at being done with you and a slowly fading regret at ever interacting with you in the first place.

Sincerely,
Keith Lowell Jensen

PS: I've got more big gigs coming. I hope your listeners do come and buy tickets. It would be nice to interact with them without you there to hang up on me before I can say my piece.

Don Geronimo Saga Continues

2011-03-08T23:18:00.000-08:00

For those telling me to thicken my skin, thanks for the concern. I'm fine. I'm actually enjoying this. Fighting back is not the same as crying and licking your wounds. I'm not hurt or upset. I grew up with four brothers. I don't mind a good sparing match.

Don should be embarrassed at letting an obscure comedian get so much of his time and attention. The more he talks about how little I am, what a nobody I am, the more pathetic it is that he's going after me. And as little as I may be, I'm three times as big as I was two years ago. Don can't deny his career has gone the other direction. He shouldn't throw stones.

As for me, what do I have to lose? Most of his more rabid fans would never have liked my material anyway and I'm getting all kinds of exposure to people who wouldn't have heard of me who do like it. You'd be amazed how many emails and letter I've gotten praising the youtube clip with the knock-knock joke. Several people have told me that they're Don fans and they want me to stop fighting with him because they like my comedy now that they've checked it out. I'm doing an interview with a college station in Maine this week (way more my audience) and I've been interviewed by two different print publications so far. Thanks Don, couldn't have done it without you.

As for Joan Rivers, yes, I'm HUGELY disappointed but the gig was cancelled Monday morning long before Don's idiocy toward me kicked into high gear. Turns out she's bringing her own opening act. The promoter has another show for me which I'm very excited about. More details as it gets confirmed.

To the more rabid of Don's fans, stop for a minute and think for yourselves. What did I really do here?

I did a comedy show where I tried my best. Don didn't like it but I certainly gave it my all. Hell for the sake of this argument lets go ahead and say I sucked. So that's crime one, not being a good comic but trying hard anyway as I chase my dreams.
I defended myself when Don decided to insult me AND the other comics who I know as a fact did great, on air.

That's it. I did a crappy comedy act (Not according to the crowd who bought out my CDs but in Don's opinion) and I defended myself from someone who makes a living attacking people.

Come on now. I'm just a guy trying to be the best father, husband and comic he can, in that order. I'm not a bad person. What would you have done in my shoes? Maybe not the same thing, but do I deserve this level of hate? I didn't do anything violent or racist. I wasn't cruel to the downtrodden. I just defended myself when a talk radio guy attacked me. Period.

Thicken your skin Don. You're letting a nobody get you all worked up.

Why Don Geronimo is an Asshole

2011-03-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

So Nationally Syndicated, oops wait, not anymore, so local Sacramento DJ Don Geronimo came to see a show where I was the feature on Saturday in Galt. He showed up late, brought friends who talked and texted through the whole show while he kept going outside and smoking. Today he started talking smack about me on the air. When I replied by Twitter he went into overdrive and tried to savage me on his radio show.

I'm a guy with a day job. An amateur comic. I'm really pleased with the progress I've made artistically and career wise in the past year but I still have not shed my amateur standing. I will continue to work hard. I'm really proud of the people even greener than me who I have encouraged and helped. There are of course young comics who haven't impressed me but I wish them the best and I hope they get better just as I hope I get better. Why a guy who is a professional would go after an amateur is beyond me.

He claims he's done stand up but I'd like to see him survive just twenty minutes at Punchline or The Improv on a showcase night with a crowd that isn't made up of his radio fans.

If he's done it he KNOWS how hard it is to do a show in a place like Galt. Nobody is stoked at Galt. The two nights before that gig I was on the bill with Doug Stanhope. Those were dream gigs. Galt was work. But I did my best and despite being way mismatched to the crowd I did great. How do I measure this? The audience response was great. I sold lots of merch which was totally unexpected and the owner had a cigar with me and told me he was getting great feedback on the show. You'd think an experienced comedian would get how tough a gig like that is.

So he's an asshole for talking shit on me to begin with but he's a much bigger asshole for hanging up on me when I called in. I was set to be civil and just to try and prove that I could go toe to toe and keep up. I wanted a fair opportunity to address his attacks and, it would've given him the opportunity to best me and show that he was right. But no, he was a coward, hung up on me and went on talking smack.

He is an asshole and a coward because when face to face with us he accepted our swag, shook our hands and told us he enjoyed us. When called out on this he just insulted said swag, lying and saying my CD was hand made. Have a look on Amazon, it's not. What he didn't do was explain why he was a coward and a liar when actually in our presence.

He is an asshole because he lied again. The venue never listed me as an atheist comedian. I don't perform as an atheist comedian except when hired to do so, when on The Coexist? Comedy Tour or when I'm the headliner. Most headliners don't want the feature doing material as potentially divisive as religion before their set.

He is the biggest asshole though because when he played my clip he inserted cricket noises to make it sound like I wasn't getting huge laughs but he's a stupid asshole because he didn't cut soon enough and you can HEAR that the joke gets a huge laugh. Here's the clip he sampled if you'd like to see for yourself.

He's an asshole and a sellout because he talked mad shit on Good Day Sacramento until they hired him. Wow, there's integrity for you.

So, this has-been on his way down wants to fuck with me on my way up. Cool. I don't start fights and everyone who knows me sees how I try really hard to encourage people and to be positive but this guy is just a prick and I look forward to letting people know it.

Oh, and here is a clip of him with a tore up face because he hasn't even mastered staying on the stage. My WORST nights in comedy haven't left me looking this bad Don, you fucking hack piece of shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byLkDqT7f_8
You have to hit the link as embed has been disabled.

Want to get involved? http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=158997764155570&id=104940526227961
Unfortunately you have to "Like" his turgid show before you can comment.

Birthday Weekend Craziness

2011-03-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

Doug Stanhope and I at Marilyn's, Sacramento

Wednesday my weekly show in Sacramento was lightly attended which happens sometimes and I don't mind. I make a mental note to ramp up promotions and then I enjoy a small intimate audience. I dropped my material and just told stories of accidentally becoming a gangster and of teaching my stoner friends in High School the principle of "nature abhors a vacuum" using a gravity bong. Great times. Kristee Ono and Conrad Roth were our featured comics and they too went with the small crowd vibe and had a great time.

Thursday I headed to The Improv in San Jose to feature for Doug Stanhope. I did my twenty minutes with a couple of generous applause breaks lots of laughs and ended on a huge round of laughs and applause with my now well aged but new to them, knock-knock joke. I sold a great amount of merch, signed autographs and was fawned over much to my ego's delight.

Got to hang out with Stanhope and his too awesome for words girlfriend Bingo at the hotel piano bar while very drunk and very strange fans, including a tabloid class plastic surgery junkie in stilt like stilettos that I'm pretty sure were designed to be displayed and not worn much less walked in, milled about making the evening a bit surreal since we were sitting amongst a bunch of conventioneers while being serenaded by a cheesy, pompadoured jazz crooner.

I spent the night in a suite at The Fairmont feeling quite pampered. Two baths before check out in that deep tub was the high-lite of my stay. Being unable to bring myself to change the channel after stumbling on Girls Gone Wild the TV show the low point.

I drove home, did some work, got a nap, and then headed to Marilyn's on K for the Sacramento show with Doug Stanhope. Crazy audience, birthday girl telling Bingo to fuck off before the show had even started and then splitting before Doug had a chance to slaughter her from on stage, fights in the crowd during the show, more drinks being sent to the stage then Stanhope was able to keep up with, which is ALOT of drinks and again I sold much merch. A guy who bought my CD at the San Jose show bought three more at The Sacramento show because he liked it enough to buy copies for his friends. He paid with a hundred dollar bill and told me to keep that change. That certainly should happen more.

Doug said he had no use for comics who celebrate birthdays. "Every night is our birthday. We go to a bar, drink with friends, are the center of attention." I agreed and told him my birthday wish to my wife was to sleep in and then have a nice breakfast.

I dropped Doug and Bingo off at their hotel. Doug said I was really funny and that Nick Pettigrew who I'd invited to open the show was as well. He said that he'd resisted posting it on his facebook but that if someone should say that he said a certain teenage comic was a cunt he wouldn't deny it.

Marquee at "A Magic Place" in Galt

Saturday, my birthday, Galt with Michael O' Connell and Mark Pitta. The venue is a bouncy house kids place by day with a used book store inside, video games, a photo studio in one corner, magic shows on other nights (and a magician emcee hosting our show.) It's like Galt having nothing inspired one man to give them everything and put it all in one warehouse.

Popular talk radio host Don Geronimo had mentioned the show on air making reference to a paraplegic comic (Michael is not a paraplegic but is in a wheelchair as he has MD) and an atheist comic (which is technically me though I don't do much religious or anti-religious comedy unless I'm booked to or it's a show that I'm headlining). I became very nervous as a lot of skinhead looking guys rolled in carrying cases of beer, well the case that one brand of beer had come in with other brands dumped in it as if they emptied their 'fridge into an old empty box and said "Let's go see some got-dang comedy." I saw two of these guys pointing at me and talking probably saying "I think that's the comedian." or maybe even "That guy looks gay." but I imagined they were saying "That's that atheist we're going to skin, cook and eat." I went on stage made the whole audience laugh with some jokes made the younger half of the audience laugh with most of my jokes and as soon as I got off stage a woman approached me and bought two CDs. I sold a gang more CDs, got picked up on by very curvy young woman who then picked up on Michael and finally went home with the gentleman who'd brought her. Mark had a fantastic set including accepting two Vicodin from an audience member and stopping to ask the strength of them only after swallowing. 500 mg each. Is that a lot. I smoked a nice cigar that Michael had given me for my birthday and had a really polite and funny (laughing with not at) political conversation with someone from a military background and completely different outlook than me which I loved. It was a great night.

My birthday wish came true. Slept late, went to eat at Sugar Plum Vegan with my Bryna and Maxine. Went to the fish store and my wife picked out a new beta and came home to a bath and new comic books. It's going to be a great year. Next week I perform with Joan Rivers.

Holy Shit, I'm opening for Joan Rivers

2011-03-02T22:49:00.000-08:00

So, this year was already rockin' in a really big way. I started the new year with a NYE show in LA at The Steve Allen Theatre then flew to New York where Hailey Boyle and I lit up the scene. I come home to a surprise booking featuring for Robin Williams, my buddy Nick Aragon opening.

I knew it would continue rocking for at least a little while as I was booked for two shows with Doug Stanhope, possibly my favorite comedian currently performing
.
Then I get the email, I'm opening for Joan Rivers and it's at The Crest, my favorite venue that I used to dream of performing at when I was a teen and didn't even know yet what manner of performer
I wanted to be, rock star, sensitive political fiction author, comedian, whatever I just wanted to wander across that stage in front of a sold out audience which is exactly the case on March 13th.
Oh, and this Saturday, March 5th is my birthday. Life is good.

What wonderful thing will happen next? I'm hoping I'll stop shitting blood, but whatever, having my album released by a good label would be good too.