Friday, April 11, 2008

A Story

Written in a hurry on the day before I am to be wed so it isn't edited and is a jumbled mess, but I like it. Enjoy... Click Here for more fiction

It was April 1st, I thought I was being funny…
I walked into the corner store, where they know me well
I said, "Stick 'em up, this is a hold up!"
And before I could say "April Fools" the red and blue
Lights surrounded the places
Shadows lept every which way
Luckily I found an empty space on a shelf
I lay down in it and pretended I was product
My ruse worked for three days
For three days, I pretended I was made in Taiwan
And all I had to eat were Styrofoam peanuts
packed in with my neighbor The blender
Until, while doing inventory a young employee
Scanned me with the UPC scanner gun
I smiled and my teeth
gave a reading
Apparently, I was on sale

A childless housewife unable to pass up a bargain
Took me to her home, empty, as her husband
Spent all his time on the road getting happy ending massages
In motel rooms
He had a conference or sales meeting to attend
She gave me a shower, made me a sandwich
And we made love in the backyard
I said I gotta go now,
she said no,
I own you
I reminded her of the emancipation proclamation
But she claimed it didn't apply to middle aged white guys
How do I pay my debt to you, I pleaded
More love in the back yard?
But apparently I hadn't been as thrilling a lover as I'd thought
She handed me some paper towels and windex
And set me to work on the windows

Her husband came home just then
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, them are my windows,
You're squeezing my paper towels
and his wife, she swooned
Oh baby, I love it when you're jealous
She was pulling his clothes off and making for the backyard

I took the opportunity to sneak out the front door
And put out my thumb
A beautiful young woman picked me up
She said hey baby, you wanna have a little fun
I was still shaken from my failure with the housewife
And I was anxious to get better
I said yeah, that sounds real nice
She said "there'll be a price."
I said "excuse me?", and I realized she was a whore
An old and honorable profession
How much I inquired
Ten dollars a go!
I only intended one time around but at that price
I might go twice
We climbed into the back seat
Oh Baby, Oh Baby, she cried
Ten, Oh Oh, Twenty, Yes Yes, Thirty
I said, hey hey, what's with the counting?
She said honey, I'm counting orgasms
You owe me ten for each one
Oh no, I realized, she counted by HERS NOT MINE!?
It was too late to stop now, so I tried to hurry
And I tried, not to do it too well
But it couldn't be helped and as I finally yelled out
"OH Holy Hell, I'm BROKE!"
She'd gotten over a thousand

I can't pay that I asked, so what do you do?
You callin' some crazy pimp on me?
I don't have a pimp.
I'm a small business owner she boasted
Good I said, A pimp is a dirty awful thing
Now excuse me while I skip out on my bill

I turned to look back and I saw her shedding a tear
She shed another
And I realized there were more powerful things
Than men in furry hats with gold teeth and a limp
"Alright, alright. I said, returning
and I swear them tears ran up her cheek
and jumped back into her eyes
waiting for the next sucker
Park right here I instructed her
I headed into the corner store

I said, "Stick 'em up, this is a hold up!"
And before I could say "I really need the money."
The red and blue lights were back.
I was smarter this time though.
I hid in the grocery aisle
And passed myself of as a box of cornflakes.

Click Here for more fiction

Monday, April 7, 2008

Pass The Torch

My buddy Jason and I were chatting about the Torch going through France. If you missed the news, protesters came out en masse and the torch was extinguished many time and transported by van over several stretches.

I noticed the French tried a pretty sneaky trick. During the most heavily protested parts of the course they used guys in wheel chairs (or they just had the runner sit in a wheel chair when they saw protester. "Merde! There they are. Okay Jaques, back in zee chair.") But the plan failed and the French protesters went right on chuckin’ water bottles and booin’.

I worry that in the American Torch relay the wheel chair trick will work and the protesters will refrain from bum rushing and then the wheel chair bound torch carrier will feel discriminated against and raise lawsuits against the protesters who failed to protest and just for once I’d really like us to NOT look stupid in the eyes of the world. I guess, what I’m really trying to say here is, "Hey, Tibet loving hippies, Go Get Them Crippled Bastards." but I mean it in the most politically correct way imaginable.

And to my friends in the media; there are plenty of really smart people that want to use this opportunity to say China Is Not Nice.
Please refrain from interviewing the frat boy who is there because, ""Dude, I’m totally opposed to China. I was at that Beastie Boys concert and like Tibet is soo rad and China is way lame." and also , please avoid the blogger who says "China is not nice."

Fish In A Barrel, someones gotta shoot ’em

Charlton Heston is dead.
At last, we can pry the gun from his cold dead fingers!!!


We can learn a-lot from the Oreos Cookie folks.
Some guy is working in the factory, its probably late, he gets distracted by sheila, the smokin’ hot forklift driver and so...He Hits a Wrong Button!
The result is Oreos that have the colors reversed: White cookies, chocolate insides.
Does he get fired? No. The big bosses are cool. They just roll with it. "Uh Oh Oreos" hit the market. And they’re great.

The cereal folks understand the concept too. Remember Cap’n Crunch’s "Oops Just Berries"? Good stuff.

So look, let’s quit being dicks okay? Let’s get off George Bush’s ass. Get your American flag out, and just try to enjoy "Oops, we invaded the wrong country!" Really now, life doesn’t have to be so heavy.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Jesus Died For Me?

Fundy on my youtube page: "Jesus Died For You!"

Me: "Yeah. That's kind of a crappy gift aint it? I mean, if you're thinking of getting me something for my birthday, I'd rather have some comic books... a chocolate bar maybe, pretty much anything but that.

No? You're going to die for me. Um, you’re broke aren't you? Look man its cool, um, hey, you could vacuum for me! Yeah, how'd that be? I'd really like that much better. If you go dying for me, what goods it do me? I got a body to explain, they'll be an inquiry, in 2,000 years people'll be talking about it, getting into fights, righting snarky blogs. Wouldn't it be better if the carpets were clean? I mean that's something we can all enjoy."

Imagine if you could go door to door and tell people Jesus vacuumed for them.
Wouldn't that be spectacular?
"He did? He vacuumed for me?"
"Oh yeah, look at your carpet, all vacuumed, see?"
"Oh man, that's fantastic."

And if it got competitive that'd be even better.
"Hi I'm with the Buddhists. Would you mind incredibly if we waxed your car?"
"No, no that's fine. The Muslims are tuning it up right at the moment, but the Hare Krishna's are just finishing up mowing the lawn if you'd like to wait in the yard for a bit. Thanks."

The Devil's Advocate

Satan. I think he gets a bad rap.

If he was so unreasonable in his complaints against the big guy then why did so many other angels join him? It’s not easy to motivate people to revolution.

And, if the boss man was so mighty and powerful why did he make so many concessions when they reached a peace? The treaty of Versailles this was not. Satan got access to humans, his own domain, and apparently control over most of the entertainment industry as well.

Sure, the BOOK says it happened one way, but who wrote the book? Would you study the American Revolution by reading King George’s book?